My relationship with my Higher Power prior to recovery got twisted with religious dogma that got corrupted by co-dependent expectations. The idea of a divine kill switch as an unmerciful shock collar in my life was my appraisal of all my futile attempts to appease God just short of suicide. My sexuality was at issue. I was and am fifty shades of darkest grey and have lived repressing some need for dominance in a heterosexual relationship. My issues are too normal, too patriarchal to be embraced by the left (feminine) aspect of the socio-political spectrum. They are too heretical and dangerous to be embraced by the right (masculine) guardians of money morality. Recovery opened a third door as I discovered the God of my understanding waiting to establish something personal with me, something peculiarly wonderful that did not require my castration.
We live in a time of sexwar when the mutual respect between masculine and feminine energy has been lost and the human collective is in disequilibrium. It will resolve lethal masuclinity and enslaving feminity by producing oddities such as Myself until some semblance of sexpeace is restored. I am not the arbiter of anyone’s sexual-spiritual expression as long as it does not include predation. And no one is the director in my dungeon of painful consent but me and my Life Source.
Unuseful Idea of 2011:God is a manipulator ~ If I get out of line, God has a kill switch to amplify my lusts and natural desires to consume me, or, if I am able to overcome that, God can use my disconnected strength to turn me into a predator.
Useful Idea of 2021: God is my Life Source urging me toward expressive experience. He/She is God of everything or nothing in my life. I chose the former in a Step 3 covenant reaffirmation.
I have experienced the pain of betrayal and loss in the course of living that left me questioning my devotion to a God that allowed it all to happen. The wounds stayed fresh because I could not resolve the silence of my God in the midst of my personal injustice. In my anguish I saw a sissy whore in the mirror of the reward and punishment religion of my youth. I had decided that life was about avoiding a very special kind of pain; It is that pain that can only be administered by those you trust, those you draw near to you, those you want to hear your truest voice. I answered that vulnerability with self-castigation. I would beat them to the punch and would blame myself for the pain. Of course, a sissy whore invites abuse. Of course, a silly child invites soul-crushing correction. Of course, God manipulates me away from frivolity and towards social utility. Of course, those who closely know me savage the sacred in my soulscape. Of course, my death is as meaningless as my life.
As I catch my breath from my own beatdown, I withdraw, only to return when I can no longer bare the solitary confinement. God is just another parasitic spirit on this merry-go-round of pain. He is the only one who has enough power to deliver me from it and he will not because He finds utility in my futility. This is not a spiritually useful idea because it does not allow me to believe that my Higher Power has my best interests at heart. This program of recovery requires I develop enough positive selfishness to say Hell Yeah! I want to live. My best interests are an imperative to the program, and thus to my Higher Power.
God’s silence comes from His self-limiting inability to lie, to manipulate. Manipulation is the language of my family of origin. God refuses to engage in it. The language of the magical realms is the recognized intent of one’s own will. I chose to practice surrendering my fears to the Spirit. I honor God’s free will in the process of recovery and don’t take His apparent silence as rejection. The Spirit silently waits for the restoration of my own free will. He will test me along the way to reveal to me that I have an important power and responsibility in the manifestation of my Intent to Will. My problem was powerlessness. The solutions will not be dependency. My Higher Power is individually invested in my positive freedom. Now that is a useful idea.
Unuseful Idea of 2011: God is a manipulator ~ God wants to control me for his purposes, wants me to be his sissy whore. He uses my heart’s desires against me. He has no desire for my ultimate success, only my advancement to control others.
Useful Idea of 2021: God is an investor in my Intent of Will and asks that I surrender my fears, trade them in for trust in a covenant relationship between the Higher Power and myself.
I had spent a lot of time yearning for things I wasn’t gettting from the alcoholic in my life. As a part of my Al-Anon recovery, I was encouraged to put those needs on paper. Courtesty, respect, attention, affection, communication –my list of the areas in which I felt my loved one had let me down went on and on.
My Sponsor applauded my honesty and then suggested that I could bring all the things on my list into my life. The catch: I had to give what I wanted to receive and become what I wanted to attract. Did I present a shining example of courtesy and all the rest? If not, I had a wonderful list of goals already on paper.
I have often heard that we get back what we give, and now I know that it’s true. As I grew kinder and more loving, other people responded to the change. I also felt much better about myself. Today I can honestly say that all the qualites on my list exist in my life at least some of the time. I hadn’t expected these results–or any others, for that matter. I was too busy focusing on myself. I think that’s why it worked.
Today’s Reminder
Today I can take an active role in fulfilling my needs. I can choose to become someone I would want to have in my life.
“Many of us find that as we practice treating others fairly, with love and respect, we ourselves become magnets for love and respect.” ~ . . . In All Our Affairs
END OF QUOTE—————————————
My self-awareness is critical for this law of attraction to be effectively rewarding. I have to call time out on life and my survival impulses long enough to get to know who I am and what I truly need. Self-delusion is an embedded survival skill for my co-dependent mind that I must resist.
If I immediately attempt to change my behavior to kindness in order to have kind people around me, I will establish a façade of compassion with no real relationships. It would be my fearful instinct to protect the real me from being revealed in order to avoid rejection.
This painfully challenging process to know the truth about myself/Self must be tackled first. Then I change my behavior to answer my needs. My improved, genuine expression will then give permission to others to do the same.
In 2011, I found that I perceived God as the ultimate manipulator, which was a terribly unuseful idea in this spiritual program of recovery. I remember a particular alcoholic relapse where I showed up to a meeting inebriated. As I was departing, one of the other members stopped me and told me that I needed to learn to surrender. I turned toward him in the full bravado of my intoxication and let him know that I was trained in the military that the only time surrender is discussed is when you are overwhelmed by an enemy. “Is God my enemy?” I asked. I slammed my fist into the side of my pick-up and proclaimed, “I will not surrender!”
“At least let me get you a cab,” he pleaded.
“No, I drive better when I drink.”
In jail that night I pondered my own angry question; “Is God my enemy?” No, I would not even be an annoyance to the force of His will. No, not an enemy. He was something much worse. He was the personification of all the irrational guilt and controlling manipulation I inheritied from my family of origin.
In reality, my active co-dependency associated initmacy with manipulation. In all my attempts to manipulate the Infinite One into what I viewed as a geniune relationship, I felt God ignored me. Today I recognize that the Higher Power is absolutely devoted to the expression of my own will unfettered by burning bush novas that terrify me into compliance. I understand that surrender is active, repetitive consent for aid. Eventually, consent rewarded becomes trust.
Sometimes my fear of life’s terms causes me to attempt to milk God for detailed blueprints. This is where I return to the insanity of pursuing absolute control over my living environment. When I respect the Spirit of Life as a free agent, I myself live free. The mighty force that smashs the chains of addiction and co-dependant expactations is not desinged to forge new bindings for religious appeasement.
Unuseful Idea of 2011: God is a manipulator ~ God is not interested in me, only in controlling me for his own purposes, to protect his distant control on the human species.
Useful Idea of 2021: God and I are one, even though I am not God. This is the paradoxical truth that makes me free in recovery and life. ~Improving my communication skills between my truest Self and My Higher Power is a key element to spiritual growth and empowerment. God ignores my linguistics degree in manipulation.
In 2006 I officially entered the 12 Step program of Alcoholics Anonymous and began my long journey out of adult onset alcoholism and the childhood darkness of a codependant legacy. My maternal grandfather died of untreated alcoholism in Mobile when my mother was seventeen years old. I remember her talkng of his great intellect and salesmenship. His death threw her into a whilrwind of madness that her youth was not equipped to manage. She would marry three times, have an illegal abortion, and produce six offspring. She would use her children to buffer her from emotional collapse. We where all left with our own wounds from that experience.
The 12 Step program helped me identify eight manifestations of my family of origin’s emotional abuse; maternal emashment, alcoholism, a murderous heart, the humiliation of an unaddressed reading problem, self-hatred for an asthmetic condition, Christ appeasement obsession, curse of financial indebtedness, and a strong dose of imposter’s syndrome. The chaos storm of 2020 helped solidify this realization.
It was 2011 that I began looking to Al-Anon’s 12 Step program to dig at the roots of my destructive manifestations. It was that year that I was able to dip my bloody hands around in the gaping wound of my soul and identify the embedded philosophy of a tragic end. I tucked it away attempting to safely deal with it piece-mill. I have decided that the me of 2021 can now answer the me of 2011 to avert the gravity of my self-destructive black hole.
I share this process in writing in hope that it might be helpful to those who happen upon these words. I will also continue the “Courgage to Change” reflections.
Here is the voice of 2011:
1. God is a manipulator (A co-dependant assertion, a family of origin adaption)
~ God is not interested in me, only in controlling me for his own purposes, to protect his distant control on the human species.
~ God wants to control me for his purposes, wants me to be his sissy whore. He uses my heart’s desires against me. He has no desire for my ultimate success, only my advancement to control others.
~ If I get out of line, God has a kill switch to amplify my lusts and natural desires to consume me, or, if I am able to overcome that, God can use my disconnected strength to turn me into a predator.
2. In order to love others, you must hate yourself (confusing compassion and empathy with co-dependency)
~ You must hate yourself to love another. The depth of effective love is measured in the level of self-hatred you can embody.
3. I lack potency. (Public school peer interaction in conjunction with distrust of outsiders)
~ The concepts and thoughts that I value will be overshadowed by a stronger presence. The products of my mind and heart will be dismissed as insignificant in a crowd, and assaulted in the presence of a strong presentation.
~ Uncontrolled and spiritually undeveloped people will attack or hurt me.
~ Personal assertions that are not wrapped in a mantle of pain, depression, and anguish will not be taken seriously. Assertions expressed with happiness will be seen as frivolous and thus, discarded.
~ Honesty is a social control mechanism and has very little to do with the discovery of truth.
~ My internal reality is more important than my external reality
4. I am bound by family icons of devotion, resulting in the two statements on failure. Outside the family, inevitable and lethal.
~ If I desire to be free of emotional blackmail and manipulation, I must accept that failure is inevitable and I will disappoint those who become intimate, who get close to me.
~ If my failure is exposed, what is left of my honor demands my death.
Many of us have had anxious moments at work and around our families when it came to making decisions affecting others as a group. We’d worry, “Will everyone be happy with the decision?” Surely there was one perfect way to do things, and it was our responsibility to find it.
Al-Anon has helped me to develop a simple policy about group decisions, as suggested by Al-Anon’s First Tradition: “Our common welfare should come first.” This Tradition applies to the conduct of our Al-Anon groups, but I find it useful in other siturations, too. If the group’s plans seem designed to benefit the greatest number of people, I can usually support them. I don’t mean that I ignore my own needs and feelings –I express them. But others have needs too, and I must respect them. Such choices may not bring immediate happiness to me or to others, but ultimately we will all benefit. As the First Tradition says, “Personal progress for the greatest number depends upon unity.”
Today’s Reminder
Do I try to force my will on others in group situations, or am I learning to respect their rights as well as my own? I can feel secure in my opinions if I keep the group’s best interest at heart.
“Unity presents not only the necessary climate for the growth of Al-Anon as a whole but also the atmosphere in which each member within the group may acquire peace of mind.”
~ Twelve Steps and Traditions
END OF QUOTE—————————————
The best group decision I have made is to avoid my tendency to withdraw. The best personal decision I have made for my own welfare while in the group is not to embrace martydom. I am not well versed in achievng that balance of expresive participation and active listening. It takes practice and the development of some intimate trust. But I have gained life-giving support and I desire to reciprocate. I need to be useful within and without to secure the realiity of my own recovery.
I came to Al-Anon in so much pain that I quickly opened my arms and my heart to whatever the program and its memebers were willing to show me. What I discovered is that what I go through in life is not as important as how I interpret the experience. In other words, I have a choice about my attitude.
For instance, I always expected my happiness to come through others, especially my alcoholic parents. I spent most of my life waiting for them to show their love and approval in a way I could understand. They didn’t, and I felt deprived and unlovable as a result.
Al-Anon has helped me to interpret my situation differently. Through working the Steps, I have learned that I am lovable, regardless of what a parent or anyone else thinks. I can either feel sorry for what I have missed or I can appreciate the chance to learn to love and appreciate myself. I do some of both, but today I know I have a choice.
Today’s Reminder
It’s time to stop waiting for others to take care of me. The only person who can love me the way I want to be loved is me.
Gradually I accepted the fact that my ‘if only’ wishes were not about to come true. But I also learned that I could be happy even if they didn’t.
~ Al-Anon Faces Alcoholism
END OF QUOTE—————————————
Personal pain seemed like such an important possession. It seemed that it provided the most trustworthy intimacy. It felt more geniune, more revelatory. Smiles were carved into social masks for the frivalous relationships of capitalistic gain. Such is the perspective I carried into this 12 Step program. Such is the bloody bag of secrets I lived with. This isn’t truth, it’s just what I had leanred to trust in a family held together by irrational guilt.
I have a choice to carve tears into my intimacy or find the geniune laughter of a hopeful and helpful community of friends. The insanity I live with is that I have to think about which path to take; campfire comradery or graveside gatherings. One day at time. Come with me, and let the dead bury the dead.
Many of us come to Al-Anon hoping to find answers to the questions that plague us. Should I leave the alcoholic? What about the financial, sexual, medical, legal, and emotional problems? How can I stop abusive behavior? There are as many legitimate options as there are members, and Al-Anon’s position is that we must each find answers that are right for us.
The one exception is a life-threatening or violent situation. In this case, Al-Anon suggests putting first things first; ensuring the safety of ourselves and our children. Perhaps this means leaving money and keys in a safe place so that we can get out in an emergency, or calling the police, or arranging to stay with a friend, if only for today. We learn that we deserve to be safe.
Today’s Reminder
In Al-Anon we don’t make anyone’s choices for them, but we do offer advice of a different kind. We suggest attending Al-Anon meetings, finding a Sponsor, and reaching out by phone. We advise our members to practice the Steps, slogans, and Traditions, and to incorporate these principles into every aspect of our lives. This kind of advice helps us to find answers that we can live with.
“When I concentrate on my personal progress, the difficulties over which I have no control will iron themselves out.” ~ The Dilemma of the Alcoholic Marriage
END OF QUOTE—————————————
The nightmare of addiction is corrosively opportinistic, moving from the spider in the brain through the web of associations exploited to feed the ever-wating predator.
The horror of hurting the ones you love is compounded by those so willingly ensnared. The effectiveness of this damning trap is in its invisibility. Al-Anon’s response is to expose the web, and help to snip away those arrangements that benefit neither the alcoholic/addict nor the ones that love them. Starving the spider is the greatest gift you can give yourself and the diseased mind of those dying of chemical dependance. Live free in love.
Many of us develop a heightened awareness of our thoughts as we recover in Al-Anon. After a while we are able to notice the change when our thinking becomes distorted. But if we wish to put a stop to negative thoughts, awareness is just the beginning.
When “stinking thinking” takes hold of me, I must do more than just dismiss the negative thoughts. I must replace them with something positive or I am likely to slide right back into my negative thinking.
Our group ordered a collection of Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature (CAL.) on audiocassettes when they were available. I have gotten into the habit of listening to them in my car when I’m driving around town. Even though I had read these CAL pamphlets many times before, hearing them spoken out loud is a different and very powerful experience. If my attitude is not good, adjusting it by listening to Al-Anon wisdom on a tape, at a meeting, or one-to-one can get me back on track.
Today’s Reminder
Today I’m going to pay close attention to what I tell myself. If necessary, I’ll stop in mid-thought, start over, and replace negative illusions with positive truths.
“What we teach ourselves with out thoughts and attitudes is up to us.” ~ . . . In All Our Affairs
END OF QUOTE—————————————
A slip in the 12 Step program is an event of deviation from the protection of recovery teachings. A slip in chemical dependency is the insanity of the first drink or hit of one’s drug of choice. A slip in co-dependency is the acting on the belief that I can control another person’s life.
Yet a slip of this sort is never an accident. Thoughts build upon thoughts breaking down sound judgement until the action appears in public as some ludicrous answer to a shadow dragon. Awareness of these thoughts and patterns provides me an early warning system. The sinister aspect of the disease is its ability to explore and use my own thoughts against me. I am in competition with my anti-self to know who and what I am on a daily basis. My success is demonstrated when the building of my thoughts makes me useful in the lives of my fellow human beings.
If I don’t know how to respond to a situation today, why not try responding with kindness? Whether I accept or turn down a request, agree or disagree with someone’s point of view, I can still treat the other person with respect and courtesy. I can say, “No,” as gently and lovingly as I can say, “Yes.”
Today I can honor my decisions without being defensive because I respect my right to make the best decisions I can. Even when others are not happy with those decisions. I can behave in a way that feels good for me. Others have a right to disagree, to feel differently, to be disappointed. I can respect that right and still stick to my principles.
Relationships are complicated because people are complicated. We each have our own ideas, values, and hopes, and they can’t always coincide with the desires of those we love. Disagreements can be healthy and enlightening if we view them as a way to develop and deepen our relationships. Kindness and respect for everyone concerned will go a long way toward making this possible.
Today’s Reminder
Today I will try to view every conflict as an opportunity to heal. I will honor myself by responding with courtesy.
“The highest form of wisdom is kindness” ~ The Talmud
END OF QUOTE—————————————
Kindness says yes and no with equal energy. Kindness endures disapproval of personal decisions without the need to appease. Kindness given inward can be offered outward. Kindness navigates freely in the complexities of relationships without thrashing about. I asked for wisdom. I’m asked to try kindness. I will.
Daily Reprieve 
You must be logged in to post a comment.