Archive for Courage to Change

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Endigar 1115

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , on October 11, 2026 by endigar

From Courage to Change of Nov 26:

Feeling that I don’t belong has been a problem all my life. This was especially true when I first came to Al-Anon. My attending seemed wrong because there was no alcohol in my household as a child — it was my grandparents who drank.

At that first meeting, I learned that alcoholism is a family disease. It affects not only the person who drinks, but those who care about him or her. Indeed, the effects of this disease are often passed from one generation to another. When I heard a description of some of those effects, I recognized a profile of myself. For the first time in my life I was with people who knew what I was going through.

Today I see clearly that I have in fact been affected by the family disease of alcoholism. Al-Anon offers me a way to do my part in breaking this family pattern. I can get off the merry-go-round by choosing recovery.

Today’s Reminder

In Al-Anon I find people who understand as few others can. If I have been affected by the drinking of another, I need not doubt that I belong.

“No matter what the difficulty, no matter how unique we may feel, somewhere nearby are men and women with similar stories who have found help, comfort, and hope through recovery in Al-Anon.”
– In All Our Affairs

END OF QUOTE—————————————

I relate to that feeling of not belonging. In my family, I would have members express how close they felt to me, that we had a special relationship. And yet I knew that they did not truly know who I was and that it was the family icon I lived within that they felt close to. My service to those I loved was to make sure that icon lived even at my own expense. I faded.

I joined the military and had expectations of finding a special comradeship that was the legend of war stories. No. It was hit and miss and a continuation of suffering in silence. Entombing myself within myself at times seemed to be a super power. I could become impervious and invulnerable while I did whatever it was that I felt needed to be done for the sake of the group.

And no matter how many people surrounded me, I remained alone.

In the 12 Step program a big part of my work at recovery was recovering myself. My story suddenly became important. I entered a world where I could experience genuine expression. And I was embraced for becoming real. This is my second life and I am grateful for it.

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Endigar 1114

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on September 27, 2026 by endigar

From Courage to Change of Nov 25:

When I came to Al-Anon, I knew that a close relative drank too much, and I knew I wasn’t happy, but I didn’t think I needed much help. I went to a meeting every week unless there was something else to do and I didn’t get a Sponsor. I grew, but slowly.

A crisis brought my leisurely approach to recovery to an end. When I lost someone very special to me, the pain was almost more than I could stand. I was lucky; I had learned enough to pick up the phone and call someone in Al-Anon. That person helped me to make it through the crisis, but that was only the beginning. I saw how badly I needed the strength and skills that Al-Anon had to offer. I began going to quite a few meetings each week, doing service work, calling Al-Anon friends. My recovery really took off! Today, practicing the program gets top priority in my life, because I know where I would have wound up without that crisis.

Today’s Reminder

Sometimes the greatest growth comes through pain, but it’s not the pain that helps me grow, it’s my response to it. Will I suffer through the experience and continue as before or let the pain inspire changes that help me grow? The choice is mine.

“I had learned in Al-Anon to look for opportunities for growth in every situation. This attitude allowed me to gain many spiritual riches from the pain I was experiencing.” ~ In All Our Affairs

END OF QUOTE—————————————

“You look so much like him.” My mother would often comment about the similarity in my appearance to that of her Father. She would talk about his intelligence and persuasiveness. I could tell that her heart still ached for him. She just about lost her mind when he died from alcohol related complications. She was 17 years old at the time. She came from a time and a culture where family matters were not discussed with outsiders and seeking counseling was still stigmatized.

She had six children and would use us for her therapy. “You are my spiritual advisor.” A heavy embrace to wrap around a teenage son. Alcoholism found me like a whispered destiny. And it touched my own children. I am a double winner. I qualify for AA and Al-Anon. Once I found sobriety, I turned to Al-Anon to confront and break out of the co-dependent armor I lived in. And I sought to break the rippling waves of pain in my family that came from that banshee of damning family mantras.

I am grateful for the multiple manifestations of the 12 Steps.

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Endigar 1113

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on September 14, 2026 by endigar

From Courage to Change of Nov 24:

I am forever looking at friends and strangers and making little improvements: “She’d look much more attractive if only…” or, “He would be a lot easier to deal with if only…”

Step Ten is my daily reminder to let go of such thoughts. It reminds me to continue to take my own inventory and to promptly admit when I am wrong.

Every day I can look to myself and decide what improvement I can make. How can I grow today? What can I do by day’s end to improve myself? Is there something I can learn? Is there some challenge I can meet? Is there some old, tired fear I can walk through and be rid of? Is there some new happiness I can experience? Step Ten reminds me to be honest with myself, acknowledging my progress, admitting my mistakes, and recognizing opportunities to grow today.

Today’s Reminder

When I keep track of my inventory on a daily basis, I no longer have to fear that I will fall into that vague, hazy state in which denial so easily takes root. When I turn this inventory over to my Higher Power, I know that I am moving toward freedom.

“A man should never be ashamed to own he has been in the wrong, which is but saying, in other words, that he is wiser today than he was yesterday.” – Alexander Pope

END OF QUOTE—————————————

NOTE: Alexander Pope (1688–1744) was one of the most important English poets and satirists of the early 18th century. One thing that makes Pope particularly interesting is that he was physically disabled and socially marginalized. As a child he contracted what is generally believed to have been Pott’s disease, a form of spinal tuberculosis, which severely affected his growth and caused lifelong pain and physical deformity. Some of his sayings: “To err is human; to forgive, divine.” “Fools rush in where angels fear to tread.” “A little learning is a dangerous thing.”

END OF NOTE—————————————

These are the seven questions I ask myself each night: Was I resentful? Was I selfish? Was I dishonest? Was I afraid? Do I owe an apology? Have I kept something to myself which should be discussed with another person at once? Was I kind and loving toward all? Anyone with time in the rooms knows that I extracted those self inventory prompts from the Big Book on pages 86 to 87.

I am more dutiful about this regimen than I was in the beginning of my recovery. The repetition of it is both boring and reassuring.

Then comes the troublesome question, “What could I have done better.” Most of the time I simply don’t know. But I try.

“Were we thinking of ourselves most of the time? Or were we thinking of what we could do for others, of what we could pack into the stream of life?”

And then comes the poetry of the Stream of Life. These are good prompts. Some people benefit more from them than others. I wish there was more of the Spirit of Recovery whispering in my ear when I am asked what I could have done better. So, a lot of my living is educated guesswork. It is the best that I can do. I let the questions echo in the night, and I listen. When I wake in the morning and go to a meeting, I am still listening.

I often feel like I am skinny dipping in the stream of life. Exposed but willing to be present. To try.

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Endigar 1108

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on May 29, 2026 by endigar

From Courage to Change of Nov 23:

How often have I had a dream I longed to pursue, but quit before I started because it seemed too enormous a task to attempt? Going back to school, moving, taking a trip, changing jobs, all these and many other goals can seem overwhelming at first.

Al-Anon reminds me to “Keep It Simple.” Instead of approaching the task as a whole, I can simplify it by taking only one step at a time. I can gather information — and do nothing more. Then, when I’m ready, I can take the project further. That takes some of the pressure off having to know all the answers and solve every problem that may arise before I’ve even begun.

I am also free to try something and then change my mind. I do not have to make a lifetime commitment before I even know whether or not my goal is desirable.

My plans may involve many actions and many risks, but I don’t have to tackle them all today. I can take my time and move step by step at my own pace. By focusing on one thing at a time, the impossible can become likely if I “Keep It Simple.”

Today’s Reminder

With the help of Al-Anon and my Higher Power, I am capable of many things I could not even have considered before. I may even be capable of pursuing my heart’s desire.

“All glory comes from daring to begin.”
– Eugene F. Ware

END OF QUOTE—————————————

NOTE: Eugene Fitch Ware was a fascinating nineteenth-century American figure who wore many hats during his lifetime: Civil War officer, attorney, Kansas state senator, newspaper editor, poet, author, and federal official. He is best remembered under his pen name “Ironquill.” Ware’s greatest fame came from his poetry. Writing as Ironquill, he became one of Kansas’s most widely read poets and was sometimes called the unofficial poet laureate of Kansas. His collection Rhymes of Ironquill enjoyed considerable popularity in the late nineteenth century. His poem “The Washerwoman’s Song” became especially well known.

Among his notable works were:

  • Rhymes of Ironquill
  • The Rise and Fall of the Saloon
  • The Indian Campaign of 1864
  • From Court to Court
  • Ithuriel

END OF NOTE—————————————

I find myself thinking about how often fear disguises itself as practicality. And about how often the greatest blessings in life were delivered gift-wrapped in fear.

I tell myself I am being protective of the dream. I tell myself I need more information, more certainty, more preparation. But beneath those reasonable-sounding objections is often a frightened child standing at the foot of a mountain, convinced he must climb the entire thing before taking a single step.

Recovery has taught me something different. It points to a tension here that fascinates me. Part of me wants certainty. Another part longs for adventure. Recovery has become the bridge between those opposing forces. It teaches me that surrender is not the abandonment of dreams. It is the abandonment of the illusion that I must control every outcome before I am allowed to begin.

I need only the courage to take the next right step and the humility to trust that my Higher Power is already waiting somewhere beyond the bend in the trail.

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Endigar 1107

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , on March 11, 2026 by endigar

From Courage to Change of Nov 22:

Al-Anon is a spiritual recovery program. The word “recovery” implies that we are regaining something we once possessed but have lost or set aside.

In the confusion of living with active drinkers, I lost track of my spirit. Life was a survival game, a daily grind of fear and hard work. No matter what I tried, nothing seemed to help. Perhaps that’s because I was trying to do it all by myself.

In Al-Anon I have come to know that I have a resource within me and all around me that can guide me through the most overwhelming fears and the most challenging decisions – Higher Power. Regardless of how I define that Higher Power, it is real to me and has always been here for me. I am so grateful to have recovered that connection to my spirituality, for in doing so, I have regained an essential part of myself. As a result, today my life has a sense of purpose that makes each moment a precious gift.

Today’s Reminder

I am a spiritual creature, capable of faith, hope, and an appreciation of beauty. I have an unlimited source of strength and comfort at my disposal. Today I will take the time to cultivate that spiritual connection.

“Half an hour’s meditation is essential except when you are very busy. Then a full hour is needed.” ~ Francis de Sales

END OF QUOTE—————————————

There is a quiet honesty in the word recovery that I don’t always want to face.

It suggests I am not building something new.
It suggests I am returning—to something I once carried naturally in an unknown dimension, before the fear of being born mortal scattered me into fragments.

When I sit with that, I can feel the truth of it in my body.

There was a time when my spirit moved more freely—before vigilance became my default posture, before life narrowed into a corridor of managing, fixing, anticipating. Living with active drinkers trained me to become a kind of emotional contortionist. I learned to scan the room, adjust the tone, brace for impact. Somewhere in that daily grind of survival, I misplaced something essential.

Not destroyed.
Not erased.
Just… set aside, like a sacred object wrapped in cloth and hidden during a war.

And here is where Step Ten and Eleven begin to feel less like assignments and more like archaeology of the soul.

Because what I am recovering is not information.
It is contact.

Contact with a presence that I did not create and cannot control—but can learn to recognize again.

I see now that my exhaustion came, in part, from the belief that I was meant to carry everything alone. Every decision, every outcome, every emotional ripple—I appointed myself the manager of a universe I do not run. No wonder nothing worked. I was trying to substitute willpower for relationship.

Al-Anon did not hand me a Higher Power.
It revealed that I had been cut off from the awareness of one that never left.

That shift feels small when spoken, but it rearranges everything.

Because now, when fear rises—and it still does—I have somewhere to place it. Not to dump it carelessly, but to offer it, to say: I am willing to not be the only mind at the table right now.

And in that offering, something subtle happens.

The pressure eases.
The horizon widens.
The next right step becomes just visible enough to take.

I am beginning to understand that spirituality, for me, is not a belief system I maintain—it is a relationship I practice.

A daily returning.

Sometimes it feels like tuning a signal through static.
Sometimes it feels like standing in the dark, unsure if anyone is listening.
But then there are moments—quiet, unforced—where I sense alignment. Not perfection. Just… rightness. A small click inside the machinery of the soul.

And I realize:

The connection was never lost.
Only my attention wandered.

So today, I do something simple, almost unimpressive by the standards of my old thinking.

I pause.

I notice breath.
I notice tension.
I notice the impulse to control, to predict, to brace.

And instead of obeying it, I turn—just slightly—toward that presence I am learning to trust.

No fireworks.
No grand declarations.

Just a willingness to remain connected.

Because if I am honest, that is what I am recovering:

Not a perfect life.
Not immunity from fear.

But the quiet, steady knowing that I am not alone inside my own experience.

And from that place, even this moment—ordinary, imperfect, unfinished—
begins to feel like something I can receive… rather than survive.

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Endigar 1105

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on January 15, 2026 by endigar

From Courage to Change of Nov 21:

Sometimes I think that, because I’ve been in Al-Anon for a long time, I shouldn’t have any more problems. When difficulties do arise, I feel something is wrong with me or with the program.

Actually, in some ways I have more problems than ever. When I came to Al-Anon, I had only one problem: I didn’t know how to fix the alcoholic. (My life was completely in shambles, but I swore that I was fine.) Today I know that I can’t fix anyone but myself, and I challenge myself daily to seek a richer, more meaningful life. I’m taking risks, facing fears, making changes, speaking up, making myself available to life.

I’m bound to run into snags here and there. Sometimes life doesn’t follow my blueprint. I get overwhelmed and want to crawl under the covers and hide. At such a time it helps to remember that Al-Anon doesn’t take away problems, but it does give me the courage and insight to turn stumbling blocks into stepping stones.

Today’s Reminder

In handling my difficulties, what’s important isn’t how much time I have in Al-Anon but how willing I am to implement the tools of recovery. While Al-Anon doesn’t grant immunity from problems, it does offer a healthy way to deal with them.

“Troubles are often the tools by which God fashions us for better things.”
~ H.W. Beecher

END OF QUOTE—————————————

NOTE: H. W. Beecher refers to Henry Ward Beecher (1813–1887), a highly influential American Congregationalist minister, abolitionist, social reformer, and public speaker in the 19th century.

He was one of the most famous preachers in the United States during his lifetime.

Who he was

  • Born: June 24, 1813
  • Died: March 8, 1887
  • Son of famous preacher Lyman Beecher
  • Brother of Harriet Beecher Stowe, author of Uncle Tom’s Cabin

Why he mattered

Beecher was known for:

  • Abolitionism – He strongly opposed slavery and supported the Union during the Civil War.
  • Progressive theology – He emphasized God’s love over fear-based religion and rejected harsh Calvinism.
  • Women’s rights – He supported women’s suffrage (controversial for his era).
  • Social reform – He spoke on temperance, poverty, labor issues, and education.
  • Powerful oratory – His sermons drew massive crowds; he was considered one of the greatest speakers of the century.

His church in Brooklyn, Plymouth Church, became nationally famous, and he used his pulpit almost like a media platform to shape public opinion.

The scandal

Late in his life, Beecher was involved in a sensational public scandal:

  • He was accused of having an affair with Elizabeth Tilton, the wife of his friend Theodore Tilton.
  • The case led to a massive public trial in the 1870s.
  • The trial ended in a hung jury, so he was never convicted, but his reputation was deeply divided afterward.

END OF NOTE—————————————

There is a quiet humility in admitting that longevity in the program does not equal immunity from life. It is a mistake to give into that ache that causes me to say, “surely by now I should be done struggling.”  And I recognize that voice—not as weakness, but as the lingering echo of perfectionism disguised as spirituality.

I once believed recovery would make life smoother. Fewer conflicts. Fewer fears. A clean emotional horizon. What I’m slowly learning is that recovery does not flatten the terrain—it returns my eyesight. I now see the hills I once stumbled over blindfolded. I notice the interior weather. I hear my own resistance. And sometimes that awareness is exhausting.

But this is the difference:
Before, I was drowning and calling it swimming.
Now, I am swimming—and occasionally tiring—but still moving.

The old life was denial wrapped in bravado: “I’m fine.”
The new life is truth spoken gently: “I am struggling, and I am still showing up.”

How willing am I to continue to carry my spiritual toolbox forward with me.

That is where the living edge of recovery is. Not seniority. Not identity. Not performance. But willingness. Willingness to pause. To inventory. To reach out. To sit with discomfort instead of armoring against it. Willingness to let life interrupt my blueprint without collapsing into resentment.

Sometimes I absolutely want to hide. Sometimes I want the covers. Sometimes I want to be done.
And that, too, is part of the human curriculum.

But the promise is not escape.
The promise is transformation of relationship.

The problems remain.
But I am no longer alone with them.
I am no longer dishonest with them.
I am no longer powerless before them.

Today, I do not measure my recovery by the absence of difficulty.
I measure it by this quieter miracle:

That I still show up.
That I still tell the truth.
That I still reach.
That I still believe becoming is possible.

And that is enough for today.

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Endigar 1104

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , on January 13, 2026 by endigar

From Courage to Change of Nov 20:

Although there are many ways to tame a horse, there is general agreement on one point: The important thing is not to break the horse’s spirit. Colts, puppies, and little children are full of boundless joy in being alive. What had happened to my joy? Alcoholism, which has touched every generation of my family, had broken my spirit.

Al-Anon gives me a fellowship, a Sponsor, and Twelve Steps and Traditions that allow me to heal my broken spirit. My healing started when I quit fighting the God of other people’s understanding and found a God who honored the long-forgotten spirit in me. That’s the God who can restore me to my true self.

Today I make a sincere effort to roll in the clover, kick up my heels, and celebrate being alive. It is one way in which I touch my God.

Today’s Reminder

Let me make this day a celebration of the spirit. There is a part of me that retains a childlike sense of curiosity, wonder, enthusiasm, and delight. I may have lost touch with it, but I know it still exists. I will set my problems to the side for a little while and appreciate what it means to be vitally alive.

“Life is no brief candle to me. It is a sort of splendid torch which I have got hold of for the moment, and I want to make it burn as brightly as possible before handing it on to future generations.”
~ George Bernard Shaw

END OF QUOTE—————————————

The spirit in me was never meant to be broken. I think I buried it under years of fear, vigilance, and inherited sorrow. I did not lose my joy because I was defective. I lost it because I learned to survive.

Alcoholism did not simply wound my family; it trained us. It taught us to brace. To monitor. To endure. And endurance, when practiced too long, can masquerade as identity.

What Al-Anon offered me was not correction, but remembrance.

I no longer embraced a God imposed from outside, but a God discovered within — a Presence that did not ask me to become someone else, but invited me back to who I was before I began contorting myself for safety.

There is still a child in me who knows how to marvel. I meet him sometimes when I stop trying to solve everything. When I let the moment be enough. When I breathe without scanning for threat.

I am learning what it means to re-parent that core entity, that inner child. To let his quietness find expression.

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Endigar 1103

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , on January 12, 2026 by endigar

From Courage to Change of Nov 19:

For years I lamented the absence of a label that would identify the soul sickness that brought me to the fellowship. I wanted to say, “I’m a recovering controller, enabler, caretaker, fixer.” Although they identify some of my character defects, these labels miss the mark. I’m not simply seeking recovery from one limitation or problem. The goal I’m striving for in Al-Anon is an overall sense of wellness.

My pursuit of this goal began by seeking recovery from the way a loved one’s alcoholism has affected my life. But today Al-Anon offers me even more. As I heal and grow, I find that it is no longer enough simply to survive. The principles and tools that brought me this far can help me to create an increasingly rich and fulfilling life.

Today, when I say I’m a grateful member of Al-Anon, I’m not zeroing in on one particular problem but rather participating in a whole host of solutions that can lead to emotional, physical, and spiritual health.

Today’s Reminder

As I continue on the never-ending path of spiritual progress, I will expand my view of recovery.

“In Al-Anon we believe life is for growth, both mental and spiritual.”
~ The Twelve Steps and Traditions

END OF QUOTE—————————————

Recovery, I’ve learned, is not a cosmetic repair. It is not about sanding down the most visible flaws. It is about tending to the deeper architecture of the soul.

I came to Al-Anon because of the chaotic legacy of addiction in my family. That was the doorway. But the work has taken me far beyond that original pain. What I am being invited into now is not mere survival but a widening life. A life with breath in it. With flexibility. With presence. With color returning where everything once felt gray.

There is a subtle but sacred shift that happens along the path: I stop asking, “How do I endure this?” and begin asking, “How do I live well?” The same tools that once helped me stay afloat now help me steer. The same principles that once protected me now shape me.

When I say I am a grateful member of several 12 Step groups, Al-Anon included, I am not confessing pathology. I am affirming participation in a way of living. A way that honors emotional sobriety, spiritual attentiveness, embodied truth. A way that invites me to grow instead of contract.

Recovery is no longer a narrow hallway. It has become a widening horizon. It is the one place where spiritual growth and the writing of my own story are not in conflict.
It seems that life is not meant to be managed.
It is meant to be grown into.

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Endigar 1102

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on January 11, 2026 by endigar

From Courage to Change of Nov 18:

To me, when the Second Step talks about being restored to sanity, it covers more than the ability to function responsibly and realistically. A sane way of life also includes the willingness to play, to take a break, to cultivate a hobby. I suppose I think of humor as an especially appealing hobby. It takes no special equipment, doesn’t require travel, and never falls out of fashion. When I have a good laugh, I know that my Higher Power is restoring some of my sanity.

If I can see nothing but my troubles, I am seeing with limited vision. Dwelling on these troubles allows them to control me. Of course, I need to do whatever footwork is required, but I also need to learn when to let go. When I take time to play, to laugh, and to enjoy, I am taking care of myself and giving my Higher Power some room to take care of the rest.

Today’s Reminder

A good chuckle or an engrossing activity can lift my spirits and cleanse my mind. I will refresh myself by adding some lightness to this day.

“Now I look for humor in every situation, and my Higher Power is a laughing God who reminds me not to take myself too seriously.”
~ As We Understood…

END OF QUOTE—————————————

Have I begun to trust gentleness again — not as indulgence, but as medicine?

In recovery, “sanity” often starts as crisis stabilization: stop burning down my life, stop lying, stop reacting from fear. But I want to reach deeper. I want to experience the return of playfulness, curiosity, and joy. That is not peripheral healing; that is evidence that the spirit is thawing.

I truly enjoy playing chess. Not just because of the game itself, but because it becomes a symbol:
a quiet discipline that doesn’t demand escape,
a practice that invites presence,
a place where outcome matters less than engagement.
Win or lose, I am still participating in life rather than wrestling it into submission.

The idea of limited vision is especially true in recovery work. When my mind fixates on problems, it shrinks. The world becomes a tunnel of urgency. But when you step into humor, into hobby, into lightness, the field of vision widens again. That widening feels very much like grace — like my Higher Power restoring perspective, not by force, but by invitation.

I am learning that trust in God sometimes looks like setting the burden down and picking up something beautiful instead.

The image of a “laughing God” is powerful too. Not mocking. Not dismissive. But delighted. A Presence that wants you unburdened enough to smile, unguarded enough to enjoy. Many people fear that taking life lightly is irresponsible. But what if joy is actually a spiritual discipline.

This is recovery at its clearest:

  • honest about tendency to brood
  • humble about the need for footwork
  • tender toward the self
  • reverent without rigidity
  • grounded in lived experience rather than slogans

It is indeed a life of progress, rather than a slavery to perfection. I prefer it.

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Endigar 1100

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , on January 1, 2026 by endigar

From Courage to Change of Nov 17:

“Keep coming back” is a phrase we often hear in Al-Anon. Why is it so important? Because many of us have grown so hardened in our fights with alcoholics or flights from alcoholics that we literally found it difficult to sit still for the process of recovery. We had to have answers right away or take action right away. Yet we felt just enough relief at our first meeting to come back once more. And then again, and again. Slowly we learned to sit still, to listen, and to heal.

No matter how many years we’ve been practicing the Al-Anon program, we can use the reminder to keep coming back. Difficult times come and go, even after long-term Al-Anon recovery. With each new challenge, many of us still need reminding that “there is no situation too difficult to be bettered and no unhappiness too great to be lessened.”

Today’s Reminder

If I feel discouraged today, I will turn to the basics of the Al-Anon program. I’ll get to a meeting, call my Sponsor, go back to the First Step. One day at a time, if I keep coming back, I know my situation will improve.

“If I really want to learn how to fit easily and happily into my environment and my relations with other people, Al-Anon has something for me.”
~ One Day at a Time in Al-Anon

END OF QUOTE—————————————

I did not learn stillness because I wanted to. I learned it because urgency finally betrayed me.

Urgency sold itself as survival. It claimed I had to act now, decide now, fix now—or else something would collapse. But that voice was never wisdom. It was control wearing panic’s uniform. It was fear insisting it be obeyed immediately so it wouldn’t be exposed.

Recovery did not indulge that impulse. It dismantled it.

Learning how to sit—really sit—was an act of resistance. Listening without fixing felt like standing down from a war posture I had lived in for decades. Letting truth arrive on its own schedule felt like treason against the part of me that believed speed was strength. But urgency was not strength. It was exhaustion pretending to be vigilance.

The work did not make life easier. It made me clearer.

Old patterns don’t die. They stalk. They wait for fatigue, pride, or distraction. New challenges don’t announce themselves as threats—they arrive disguised as competence tests: You should know better by now. That lie is seductive. It flatters the ego while isolating the soul.

When discouragement hits, the corrective is not drama. Drama is the addiction’s afterimage. The corrective is obedience to what works.

Go to the meeting.
Call the Sponsor.
Tell the truth without curating it.

Not because I am weak—but because I refuse to be ruled by impulse again.

“One day at a time” is not a concession. It is a refusal to be tyrannized by imagined futures. It is mercy with teeth. It strips the moment down to what is real and survivable and actionable—without fantasy or self-punishment.

Fitting easily and happily into the world does not mean shrinking. It does not mean appeasing. It does not mean erasing sharp edges or pretending to be agreeable. It means alignment. Spine under spirit. Presence without armor. Strength without flailing.

Consistency outperforms intensity because intensity burns hot and fast and demands applause. Consistency builds authority quietly and leaves evidence behind.

So today, I keep coming back.

Not out of sentiment.
Not out of hope alone.
But because I have learned which battles are real—and which ones were never mine to fight in the first place.

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