Endigar 840

From Courage to Change of April 16;

I came to Al-Anon in so much pain that I quickly opened my arms and my heart to whatever the program and its memebers were willing to show me. What I discovered is that what I go through in life is not as important as how I interpret the experience. In other words, I have a choice about my attitude.

For instance, I always expected my happiness to come through others, especially my alcoholic parents. I spent most of my life waiting for them to show their love and approval in a way I could understand. They didn’t, and I felt deprived and unlovable as a result.

Al-Anon has helped me to interpret my situation differently. Through working the Steps, I have learned that I am lovable, regardless of what a parent or anyone else thinks. I can either feel sorry for what I have missed or I can appreciate the chance to learn to love and appreciate myself. I do some of both, but today I know I have a choice.

Today’s Reminder

It’s time to stop waiting for others to take care of me. The only person who can love me the way I want to be loved is me.

Gradually I accepted the fact that my ‘if only’ wishes were not about to come true. But I also learned that I could be happy even if they didn’t.

~ Al-Anon Faces Alcoholism

END OF QUOTE—————————————

Personal pain seemed like such an important possession. It seemed that it provided the most trustworthy intimacy. It felt more geniune, more revelatory. Smiles were carved into social masks for the frivalous relationships of capitalistic gain. Such is the perspective I carried into this 12 Step program. Such is the bloody bag of secrets I lived with. This isn’t truth, it’s just what I had leanred to trust in a family held together by irrational guilt.

I have a choice to carve tears into my intimacy or find the geniune laughter of a hopeful and helpful community of friends. The insanity I live with is that I have to think about which path to take; campfire comradery or graveside gatherings. One day at time. Come with me, and let the dead bury the dead.

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