Endigar 846 – About God (2021 vs 2011)

My relationship with my Higher Power prior to recovery got twisted with religious dogma that got corrupted by co-dependent expectations. The idea of a divine kill switch as an unmerciful shock collar in my life was my appraisal of all my futile attempts to appease God just short of suicide. My sexuality was at issue. I was and am fifty shades of darkest grey and have lived repressing some need for dominance in a heterosexual relationship. My issues are too normal, too patriarchal to be embraced by the left (feminine) aspect of the socio-political spectrum. They are too heretical and dangerous to be embraced by the right (masculine) guardians of money morality. Recovery opened a third door as I discovered the God of my understanding waiting to establish something personal with me, something peculiarly wonderful that did not require my castration.

We live in a time of sexwar when the mutual respect between masculine and feminine energy has been lost and the human collective is in disequilibrium. It will resolve lethal masuclinity and enslaving feminity by producing oddities such as Myself until some semblance of sexpeace is restored.  I am not the arbiter of anyone’s sexual-spiritual expression as long as it does not include predation. And no one is the director in my dungeon of painful consent but me and my Life Source.

Unuseful Idea of 2011:  God is a manipulator ~ If I get out of line, God has a kill switch to amplify my lusts and natural desires to consume me, or, if I am able to overcome that, God can use my disconnected strength to turn me into a predator.

Useful Idea of 2021: God is my Life Source urging me toward expressive experience. He/She is God of everything or nothing in my life. I chose the former in a Step 3 covenant reaffirmation.

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