Endigar 845 – About God (2021 vs 2011)

I have experienced the pain of betrayal and loss in the course of living that left me questioning my devotion to a God that allowed it all to happen. The wounds stayed fresh because I could not resolve the silence of my God in the midst of my personal injustice. In my anguish I saw a sissy whore in the mirror of the reward and punishment religion of my youth. I had decided that life was about avoiding a very special kind of pain; It is that pain that can only be administered by those you trust, those you draw near to you, those you want to hear your truest voice. I answered that vulnerability with self-castigation. I would beat them to the punch and would blame myself for the pain. Of course, a sissy whore invites abuse. Of course, a silly child invites soul-crushing correction. Of course, God manipulates me away from frivolity and towards social utility. Of course, those who closely know me savage the sacred in my soulscape. Of course, my death is as meaningless as my life.

As I catch my breath from my own beatdown, I withdraw, only to return when I can no longer bare the solitary confinement. God is just another parasitic spirit on this merry-go-round of pain. He is the only one who has enough power to deliver me from it and he will not because He finds utility in my futility. This is not a spiritually useful idea because it does not allow me to believe that my Higher Power has my best interests at heart. This program of recovery requires I develop enough positive selfishness to say Hell Yeah! I want to live. My best interests are an imperative to the program, and thus to my Higher Power.

God’s silence comes from His self-limiting inability to lie, to manipulate. Manipulation is the language of my family of origin. God refuses to engage in it. The language of the magical realms is the recognized intent of one’s own will. I chose to practice surrendering my fears to the Spirit. I honor God’s free will in the process of recovery and don’t take His apparent silence as rejection. The Spirit silently waits for the restoration of my own free will. He will test me along the way to reveal to me that I have an important power and responsibility in the manifestation of my Intent to Will. My problem was powerlessness. The solutions will not be dependency. My Higher Power is individually invested in my positive freedom. Now that is a useful idea.

Unuseful Idea of 2011: God is a manipulator  ~ God wants to control me for his purposes, wants me to be his sissy whore.  He uses my heart’s desires against me.  He has no desire for my ultimate success, only my advancement to control others.

Useful Idea of 2021: God is an investor in my Intent of Will and asks that I surrender my fears, trade them in for trust in a covenant relationship between the Higher Power and myself.

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