Endigar 843 – About God (2021 vs 2011)

In 2011, I found that I perceived God as the ultimate manipulator, which was a terribly unuseful idea in this spiritual program of recovery. I remember a particular alcoholic relapse where I showed up to a meeting inebriated. As I was departing, one of the other members stopped me and told me that I needed to learn to surrender. I turned toward him in the full bravado of my intoxication and let him know that I was trained in the military that the only time surrender is discussed is when you are overwhelmed by an enemy. “Is God my enemy?” I asked. I slammed my fist into the side of my pick-up and proclaimed, “I will not surrender!”

“At least let me get you a cab,” he pleaded.

“No, I drive better when I drink.”

In jail that night I pondered my own angry question; “Is God my enemy?” No, I would not even be an annoyance to the force of His will. No, not an enemy. He was something much worse. He was the personification of all the irrational guilt and controlling manipulation I inheritied from my family of origin.

In reality, my active co-dependency associated initmacy with manipulation. In all my attempts to manipulate the Infinite One into what I viewed as a geniune relationship, I felt God ignored me. Today I recognize that the Higher Power is absolutely devoted to the expression of my own will unfettered by burning bush novas that terrify me into compliance. I understand that surrender is active, repetitive consent for aid. Eventually, consent rewarded becomes trust.

Sometimes my fear of life’s terms causes me to attempt to milk God for detailed blueprints. This is where I return to the insanity of pursuing absolute control over my living environment. When I respect the Spirit of Life as a free agent, I myself live free. The mighty force that smashs the chains of addiction and co-dependant expactations is not desinged to forge new bindings for religious appeasement.

Unuseful Idea of 2011: God is a manipulator ~ God is not interested in me, only in controlling me for his own purposes, to protect his distant control on the human species.

Useful Idea of 2021: God and I are one, even though I am not God. This is the paradoxical truth that makes me free in recovery and life. ~ Improving my communication skills between my truest Self and My Higher Power is a key element to spiritual growth and empowerment. God ignores my linguistics degree in manipulation.

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