Daily Reprieve

From Today’s Daily Reflections;

“Years of living with an alcoholic is almost sure to make any wife or child neurotic. The entire family is, to some extent, ill.”  (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 122)

It is important for me to realize that, as an alcoholic, I not only hurt myself, but also those around me. Making amends to my family, and to the families of alcoholics still suffering, will always be important. Understanding the havoc I created and trying to repair the destruction, will be a lifelong endeavor. The example of my sobriety may give others hope, and faith to help themselves.

END OF QUOTE

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Quote from the Batman character in The Dark Knight;   “Because sometimes… the truth isn’t good enough.  Sometimes people deserve more.  Sometimes people deserve to have their faith rewarded.”

That quote has often resonated deeply for me.  That entire ending sends shivers down my spine.

Family should build and pass on myths.  Myths are not fairy tales.  They are useful stories constructed to point its members toward core values and encourage strength and growth.  Alcoholism takes a crap on family myths and thus causes trust, faith, and inspiration to evaporate in the storm of futility and disappointment.

An amends is not just about facing the truth and taking responsibility.  In families, it is about rewriting some powerful myths with our lives.  It is about rewarding the faith of those who still love us, or are willing to try.  A recovered alcoholic is a miraculous event.  It is a great living legacy to pass on to our family.

Quote from Hub McCann in Secondhand Lions;   “Sometimes the things that may or may not be true are the things that a man needs to believe in the most: that people are basically good; that honor, courage, and virtue mean everything; that power and money, money and power mean nothing; that good always triumphs over evil; and I want you to remember this, that love, true love, never dies… No matter if they’re true or not, a man should believe in those things because those are the things worth believing in.”

From Today’s Daily Reflections;

But it is from our twisted relations with family, friends, and society at large that many of us have suffered the most. We have been especially stupid and stubborn about them. The primary fact that we fail to recognize is our total inability to form a true partnership with another human being.  (Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, page 53)

Can these words apply to me, am I still unable to form a true partnership with another human being? What a terrible handicap that would be for me to carry into my sober life! In my sobriety I will meditate and pray to discover how I may be a trusted friend and companion.

END OF QUOTE

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“The primary fact that we fail to recognize is our total inability to form a true partnership with another human being… Always we tried to struggle to the top of the heap, or hide underneath it.  This self-centered behavior blocked a partnership relation with any one of those about us.  Of true brotherhood we had small comprehension.” (Twelve Step and Twelve Traditions, page 53)

I remember coming into AA with an absolute hatred of the word “honesty.”  I tried to go through my Big Book and replace every occurrence with “truthfulness.”  It had been my experience in family and intimate relationships that when someone said to me that they just wanted me to be HONEST, it actually meant they wanted to gather enough evidence for an inevitable prosecution  and condemnation of my failures.  Every example of a partnership I had witnessed demanded a price I was no longer willing to pay.  Emasculation.  Acceptance that I would be wrong in every argument.  Embracing love would invite parasitic personalities and I would be bound by an unending parade of leaches.  A continuous invasion of privacy.  Defiance of these conditions meant absolute abandonment.  So I have ended up with a strong desire for intimate distance.

I have found something that works for me in a power dynamic relationship, but it is not for everyone.  Of brotherhood, I must look to the rooms of AA to practice the possibility of being one among many.

I found a decent article on this topic that suggested the following as components of a truly healthy partnership:

1.  Feeling safe to express yourself without judgment.

2.  Feeling heard.

3.  Being more concerned with truthfulness than with not hurting each other’s feelings.

4.  Respecting each other’s boundaries.

5.  Having an equal balance of power.

6.  Being an avenue for continued growth rather than a distraction from it.

I will include the article on this site as a page.  The original article can be found here;

[ http://www.bravenewkitty.com/2011/05/healthy-relationships-what-is-a-true-partnership/ ]

From Today’s Daily Reflections;

. . . a spiritual life which does not include. . . family obligations may not be so perfect after all.  (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 129)

I can be doing great in the program — applying it at meetings, at work, and in service activities — and find that things have gone to pieces at home. I expect my loved ones to understand, but they cannot. I expect them to see and value my progress, but they don’t — unless I show them. Do I neglect their needs and desires for my attention and concern? When I’m around them, am I irritable or boring? Are my “amends” a mumbled “Sorry,” or do they take the form of patience and tolerance? Do I preach to them, trying to reform or “fix” them? Have I ever really cleaned house with them? “The spiritual life is not a theory. We have to live it”  (Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 83).

END OF QUOTE

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The quote from page 129 in the Big Book put into context is actually encouraging the family to be tolerate of the alcoholic’s lopsided focus on helping other alcoholics.   The authors suggest that the alcoholic’s spirituality will naturally balance as he matures with the family’s tolerate support.  They encourage the family to accept his spiritual intoxication because it will fend off his chemical one.  They say that it is more dangerous if he puts financial concerns ahead of the spiritual.

“For us, material well-being always followed spiritual progress; it never preceded.”  (Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 129)

“Though some of his manifestations are alarming and disagreeable, we think dad will be on a firmer foundation then the man who is placing business or professional success ahead of spiritual development.  He will be less likely to drink again, and anything is preferable to that.” (Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 129 – 130)

I have heard it said that the family that has stayed with the alcoholic and endured the horrors of his disease will be sickened in their own right.  How could they not be?  So their expectations may be based on their role in hell, and they may be suspicious and uncomfortable with invitations to paradise.  They would do well to turn their attention to their own spiritual development in such programs as Al-Anon.

Alcoholics Anonymous gives me a new life and new family.  I must find my place and power within the AA family.  Once this is happening, all my other relationships have a better chance of sharing in the power of my sobriety rather than the curse of my alcoholism.

So I look at my relationship with my AA family and ask,  “Do I neglect their needs and desires for my attention and concern?”

If I can develop a spiritual life within the rooms of AA, it will echo on the outside in my family and work, as I seek to practice these principles in all my affairs.

From Today’s Daily Reflections;

We reacted more strongly to frustrations than normal people.  (As Bill Sees It, page 111)

Impatience with other people is one of my principal failings. Following a slow car in a no-passing lane, or waiting in a restaurant for the check, drives me to distraction. Before I give God a chance to slow me down, I explode, and that’s what I call being quicker than God. That repeated experience gave me an idea. I thought if I could look down on these events from God’s point of view, I might better control my feelings and behavior. I tried it and when I encountered the next slow driver, I levitated and looked down on the other car and upon myself. I saw an elderly couple driving along, happily chatting about their grandchildren. They were followed by me — bug-eyed and red of face — who had no time schedule to meet anyway. I looked so silly that I dropped back into reality and slowed down. Seeing things from God’s angle of vision can be very relaxing.

END OF QUOTE

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In the rooms, the impatient and angry response to traffic is a common theme.  It could probably be another story of alcoholic insanity in the Big Book, like the jay-walker.  The speed of driving and the risk of collision rob us of the ability to pause and think.  My exaggerated instincts pump up the fear which is quickly transformed into anger.  The insanity is that I trust my road rage instincts to rocket me into the forced dimension of power.  Unless I am retrained to respond differently, I will faced life like a cornered animal.

The contributor changed his perspective by seeing himself levitate to gain God’s view of  his rushed surroundings.  I have used a personal mantra, “This is not a race; we are all in this together,” to find serenity at seventy mile per hour.   These things work in the intense environment of negotiating the traffic of metal encased egos, because I have spent time alone with Gomu (God of my understanding) and rehearsed the troubled areas of my life.  I am learning to take advantage of the gift of quiet solitude to develop a more useful perspective on the living of my life in a civilized jungle.

From Today’s Daily Reflections;

First, we try living in the now just in order to stay sober — and it works. Once the idea has become a part of our thinking, we find that living life in 24-hour segments is an effective and satisfying way to handle many other matters as well.   (Living Sober, page 7)

“One Day At A Time.” To a newcomer this and other one-liners of A.A. may seem ridiculous. The passwords of the A.A. Fellowship can become lifelines in moments of stress. Each day can be like a rose unfurling according to the plan of a Power greater than myself. My program should be planted in the right location, just as it will need to be groomed, nourished, and protected from disease. My planting will require patience, and my realizing that some flowers will be more perfect than others. Each stage of the petals’ unfolding can bring wonder and delight if I do not interfere or let my expectations override my acceptance — and this brings serenity.

END OF QUOTE

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The anxiety I live with often perverts the concept of “One Day at a Time.”  I imagine that One Day is the throne from which I rule my eternal manifestation.  I try to stuff that day with so many desperate dreams.  My psych contains competing voices that lobby to be heard and vindicated with immediate and urgent action.  I spend a great deal of time attempting to work out a compromise, or suppressing many desires in hope of finding that one focus.

I used drinking to silence these internal arguments and second-guessing.  I used drinking to grab the nearest and most satisfying task and just do it.  I trusted the Higher Power of Alcohol and found my fulfillment in developing my relationship with its quick and easy presence.  I abdicated the process of living life.  Alcohol made me a fake copy of myself.  I was embracing death, one day at a time.

I have lost faith in Alcohol because of the humiliation I experienced under it cunning and predatory nature.  I continue to lose faith in my isolated self-reliance.

One Day at a time is a simple act of trust in my God.  The Voice of Gomu (God of my understanding) must be the one voice that I allow to overrule all others.  My fulfilled tasks are designed to see that I can trust my Higher Power.  I begin to build a record of little successes that vindicate my willingness to believe.

“On awakening let us think about the twenty-four hours ahead. We consider our plans for the day. Before we begin, we ask God to direct our thinking, especially asking that it be divorced from self-pity, dishonest or self-seeking motives. Under these conditions we can employ our mental faculties with assurance, for after all God gave us brains to use. Our thought-life will be placed on a much higher plane when our thinking is cleared of wrong motives…we find that our thinking will, as time passes, be more and more on the plane of inspiration.  We come to rely upon it.”  ~ (Alcoholics Anonymous, pages 86,87)

WARNING – SPOILER ALERT!  If you have not watched the new Battlestar Galactica series yet (and I highly recommend that you do), then this post contains quotes from that series.

Last night I was watching the new Battlestar Galactica series.  The particular episode was entitled “Lay Down Your Burden.”  The chief was getting counseling from a priest, and I felt the words resonate, as though my Higher Power was sneaking in on me:

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Cavill: Chief Tyrol, I am Brother Cavill. I understand you’ve asked for religious counseling.

Tyrol: I never really believed in psych therapy. My father was a priest.

Cavill: I see. You thought you’d have an easier time with a priest than a real doctor.

Tyrol: Okay. I pray to gods every night. But I don’t think they listen to me.

Cavill: Do you know how useless prayer is? Chanting and singing and mucking about with old half-remembered lines of bad poetry. And you know what it gets you? Exactly nothing.

Tyrol: Are you sure you’re a priest?

Cavill: I’ve been preaching longer than you’ve been sucking down oxygen. And in that time, I’ve learned enough to know that the gods don’t answer prayers. We’re here on our own. That’s the way they set things up. We have to find our own answers, our own way out of the wilderness without a nice little sunny path all laid out in front of us in advance.

Tyrol: That’s what I’m trying to do. I’m trying to find my way.

Cavill: Well, it’s not going to get better until you see what the problem is. And the problem is, you’re screwed up, heart and mind. You. Not the–not the gods or fate or the universe. You.

Tyrol: Thanks for the pep talk.

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I felt like I was in an AA meeting.

When my fear and anxiety rise, it is very difficult for me to tell the difference between the Voice of Gomu (God of my understanding) and the Voice of my Fear.  I decided to surrender this morning to the reality that God is using AA to bypass my fear blockage and help me to hear what he is continuously saying to me.  It was a speaker meeting, and I was overwhelmed by the spiritual resonance of the speaker’s words.

The speaker touched me deeply when he talked about how God had dealt with relationship difficulties between he and his son.  I felt that I needed to trust my sponsor’s words.  Back off, and let God take care of it.

Then the speaker talked about how he blamed everyone else in order to take the focus off of the reality that he was his own problem.  He railed against the church in meetings, but it was not the church that was his problem.  It was himself. 

The counseling session on BSG continues:

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Cavill: And you were having the same dream when Cally woke you up, weren’t you?

Tyrol: I don’t know. I don’t remember. Maybe. It doesn’t matter, does it? All I remember is Cally o­n the ground and the blood.

Cavill: She stopped you. By waking you up, she prevented you from carrying out your secret desire to kill yourself.

Tyrol: I don’t have a secret desire to kill myself.

Cavill: Well, actually, you’re right. It’s not a secret. You obviously want to kill yourself. Question is why…….

Cavill: How long are you going to do this? How long are you going to refuse to see what’s right in front of your face? Forget it. I’m done.

Tyrol: What, you’re– you’re leaving?

Cavill: That’s right. I’m done. I’m done dancing around the truth with you. You know what’s going o­n. But you can’t or you won’t face it, so… I’m not a therapist. I’m not going to hold your hand and help you along. I’m just trying to get you right with yourself and with your gods, but you’re not willing to do it.

Tyrol: I don’t even know what you’re talking about.

Cavill: Oh for gods’ sake, chief! Come o­n! You think you’re a cylon.

Tyrol: I am not a cylon.

Cavill: Well, of course you’re not. But that’s what you’re afraid of, isn’t it? That you might be a cylon and not even know it just–just like Boomer, right? Right? That’s the thought that’s torturing your dreams and crippling your soul. I’m a cylon, just like Sharon, and I deserve to die.

Tyrol: Sharon didn’t know what she was. She just kept thinking– feeling that she was going to do this terrible thing. But she knew that she had to stop herself before she did.

Cavill: And you think that’s what you’re going to do. Some terrible thing. Well, the truth is, you might. But not because you’re a cylon. Because you’re a human being, and human beings do terrible things all the time.

Tyrol: But how do you know I’m human?

Cavill: Oh, well, maybe because T’m a cylon, and I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings. There’s not much more I can do for you. You’re going to have to go back to work and try and leave all of this behind you.

Tyrol: No. I– I can’t. I can’t go back and face the deck people again. And Cally?

Cavill: Well, you’d better. That’s the o­nly family you’ve got. Just know that that’s your family and that they love you. Even Cally. Especially Cally. If you doubt your humanity and your essential nature as a human being, all you need to do is look to them for the salvation you’ve been seeking from the gods. The gods lift up those who lift each other, Chief.

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I like the modification of “God help those that help themselves.”

I am listening, to the God that gives a damn.

From Today’s Daily Reflections;

Self-searching is the means by which we bring new vision, action, and grace to bear upon the dark and negative side of our natures. With it comes the development of that kind of humility that makes it possible for us to receive God’s help. . . . we find that bit by bit we can discard the old life — the one that did not work — for a new life that can and does work under any conditions whatever.   (As Bill Sees It, pages 10, 8)

I have been given a daily reprieve contingent upon my spiritual condition, provided I seek progress, not perfection. To become ready for change, I practice willingness, opening myself to possibilities of change. If I realize there are defects that hinder my usefulness in A.A. and toward others, I become ready by meditating and receiving direction. “Some of us have tried to hold on to our old ideas and the result was nil until we let go absolutely” ( Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 58). To let go and let God, I need only surrender my old ways to Him; I no longer fight nor do I try to control, but simply believe that, with God’s help, I am changed and affirming this belief makes me ready. I empty myself to be full of awareness, light, and love, and I am ready to face each day with hope.

END OF QUOTE

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Before my alcoholism spun out of control, I lived over 14 years without drinking.  As a Christian I sought to purify myself of all lust and anger.  It was a miserable spiritual life of great futility.  I prayed and made deals with God.  I sought to appease the Father by emulating anything I knew about the Messiah.  I wanted to be transformed.

I felt that God ignored my desperation.  My continuous but futile struggle for purity so that I could become  a powerful channel of “God’s unconditional love,”  acted as a corrosive agent on my faith.  The death of my son, Josiah, and my marital apocalypse of 2003 crushed that strained faith.

I do not want to go back to a life of futility, a life that does not work.  Drinking and/or seeking to appease God are ways of life that do not work for me.  I think that it is impossible to “empty myself.”  My life and nature are the cards I have been dealt by the Universe.

In AA, my morality is based on intelligence, function, and the building of an intuitive, spiritual interaction between a loving Gomu (God of my understanding) and myself.  I trust the God that did not ignore me.  I trust the God that gives a damn.  I trust the God that I met in the rooms of AA.  For that God, I will listen and change.  I embrace the saving heresies of the 12 step spirituality.  Spiritual progress comes from a loving and empowering God.  Spiritual perfection comes from a condemning God who presides over our  human holocaust.

I am glad to surrender to Gomu, and whatever changes that intimate Deity deems appropriate for my service here on Earth.

From Today’s Daily Reflections;

Since most of us are born with an abundance of natural desires, it isn’t strange that we often let these far exceed their intended purpose. When they drive us blindly, or we willfully demand that they supply us with more satisfactions or pleasures than are possible or due us, that is the point at which we depart from the degree of perfection that God wishes for us here on earth. That is the measure of our character defects, or, if you wish, of our sins.   (Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, page 65)

This is where long-term hope is born and perspective is gained, both of the nature of my illness and the path of my recovery. The beauty of A.A. lies in knowing that my life, with God’s help, will improve. The A.A. journey becomes richer, the understanding becomes truth, the dreams become realities — and today becomes forever.

As I step into the A.A. light, my heart fills with the presence of God.

END OF QUOTE

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I imagine the days of the natural man which was the time before recorded history and controlled civilization.  The natural man was a survivor and a predator.  His adaptive and aggressive intelligence helped his small nomadic family unit to live in a world filled with more powerful predatory species.  This was the hunter path for mankind.

As humanity outlived some of its fiercest competitor species, a new approach to survival developed;  agriculture and cooperative enslavement. This was the foundation of  our modern government  and economy.  The farmer man and the hunter man began to cooperate.  The farmer could provide so much more food and resource than the hunter, and the hunter could give the farmer communities protection from the onslaught of  predators and other raiding hunters.  The basis for a human military was formed.

The rise of the scientific community tends to make the hunter man more of a liability than an asset because of his resistance to peaceful indoctrination.   I speculate that alcoholism and other addictive diseases are the result of residual elements of the hunter man’s evolutionary path being suppressed.  Anxiety is a natural internal state for a hunter.  Ever surprise a cat and watch it leap several feet in the air?  Our exaggerated appetites were helpful in the wild.

I believe that the Light of AA has shown because God values the wild at heart.  He does not wish to see the hunter man choke on the vomit of his addiction.  The God of my understanding is the author of the hunter path (masculine energy), the farmer path (feminine energy) , and is responsible for  leading them to the evolutionary marriage bed.  The evolutionary intercourse between the hunter Man and the farmer Woman gave birth to the Infant scientific path of humanity.

We are now stewards of a very powerful development in mankind’s short history.

It is my long-term hope that I will adapt and grow strong and that my predatory core will be channeled into a courageous stewardship of life supporting the rise of positive individual freedom.  One day at a time.

NOTE:  This is not a scientific paper.  It is a simple myth that is helpful to me and my sobriety.  If it is not helpful to you and yours, do not spend time entertaining it.

From Today’s Daily Reflections;

Can He now take them all — every one?   (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 76)

In doing Step Six it helped me a lot to remember that I am striving for “spiritual progress.” Some of my character defects may be with me for the rest of my life, but most have been toned down or eliminated. All that Step Six asks of me is to become willing to name my defects, claim them as my own, and be willing to discard the ones I can, just for today. As I grow in the program, many of my defects become more objectionable to me than previously and, therefore, I need to repeat Step Six so that I can become happier with myself and maintain my serenity.

END OF QUOTE

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I have never been a fan of open-ended missions.  When boots hit the ground, you should have a clear picture of the objective so that the troops can eventually come home.  Initially, I feared the open-ended task of removing my defects of character.

So what is the objective of Step Six and Seven?  Is it to make me feel better?  That was my alcoholic way of approaching life.  I think it is training.  The episodes of instant deliverance help me to recognize and remember the very real presence of Gomu (God of my understanding) in the rooms.  The obstacles that require a process help me to develop skills  in building character strength.  Soldiers train so that they will be effective on the battlefield.

Twelve step usefulness is my goal.

“Your job now is to be at the place of maximum helpfulness to others, so never hesitate to go anywhere if you can be helpful.  You should not hesitate to visit the most sordid spot on earth on such an errand.  Keep on the firing line of life with these motives and God will keep you unharmed.”  (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 102)

From Today’s Daily Reflections;

“This is the Step that separates the men from the boys.”. . . the difference between “the boys and the men” is the difference between striving for a self- determined objective and for the perfect objective which is of God. . . . It is suggested that we ought to become entirely willing to aim toward perfection. . . . The moment we say, “No, never!” our minds close against the grace of God. . . . This is the exact point at which we abandon limited objectives, and move toward God’s will for us.   (Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, pages 63, 68, 69)

Am I entirely ready to have God remove these defects of character? Do I know at long last that I cannot save myself? I have come to believe that I cannot. If I am unable, if my best intentions go wrong, if my desires are selfishly motivated and if my knowledge and will are limited — then I am ready to embrace God’s will for my life.

END OF QUOTE

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Entirely willing to aim toward perfection.  The word perfection makes me nauseated.  It sounds like the ultimate in an obsessive compulsive life.  It sounds like the religious suppression of individuality for the sake of some sterile icon of stoicism.  It sounds like the end of spiritual adventure, because the answer has been found.  I have no desire to be that kind of perfect.  That kind of perfection-seeking was very much a part of my old self.   I don’t think it is supposed to be that way.

I have regarded the people in my life who have made statements such as “this will separate the men from the boys,” as neanderthal-like  knuckle draggers who are seeking control over the weak minded and insecure.  I do not want the vulnerabilities that my alcoholism has created in my life to be exploited as an opportunity to echo the vision of Constantine the Great; “In This Sign Conquer.”

In order for me to embrace this step, I have to trust that there is a better perfection than the swill served in Churchian dungeons.  I have to trust that there is a maturing into manhood that allows me to have a brain.  I have to trust that my God loves my individual expression as much or better than I do myself, and that this process is leading me to the fulfillment of the en-coined mantra “To Thine Own Self Be True.”

For me, I must keep a boundary between the Spirituality of Gomu (God of my understanding) and the Religion of Man.  I do recognize that they may not always be mutually exclusive, but I remain suspicious.

To balance the negative impact that may cause me to veer too close to the isolating “No, never!” I have included some quotes from Joseph Campbell:

“Life has no meaning. Each of us has meaning and we bring it to life. It is a waste to be asking the question when you are the answer.”

“We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us.”

“If you do follow your bliss you put yourself on a kind of track that has been there all the while, waiting for you, and the life that you ought to be living is the one you are living.  Follow your bliss and don’t be afraid, and doors will open where you didn’t know they were going to be.”

“All religions are true but none are literal. . . Half the people in the world think that the metaphors of their religious traditions, for example, are facts. And the other half contends that they are not facts at all. As a result we have people who consider themselves believers because they accept metaphors as facts, and we have others who classify themselves as atheists because they think religious metaphors are lies.”

“The goal of life is to make your heartbeat match the beat of the universe to match your nature with Nature.”

“Your sacred space is where you can find yourself over and over again.”

Now, I am entirely ready.