Endigar 441 ~ Opening Up to Change

From Today’s Daily Reflections;

Self-searching is the means by which we bring new vision, action, and grace to bear upon the dark and negative side of our natures. With it comes the development of that kind of humility that makes it possible for us to receive God’s help. . . . we find that bit by bit we can discard the old life — the one that did not work — for a new life that can and does work under any conditions whatever.   (As Bill Sees It, pages 10, 8)

I have been given a daily reprieve contingent upon my spiritual condition, provided I seek progress, not perfection. To become ready for change, I practice willingness, opening myself to possibilities of change. If I realize there are defects that hinder my usefulness in A.A. and toward others, I become ready by meditating and receiving direction. “Some of us have tried to hold on to our old ideas and the result was nil until we let go absolutely” ( Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 58). To let go and let God, I need only surrender my old ways to Him; I no longer fight nor do I try to control, but simply believe that, with God’s help, I am changed and affirming this belief makes me ready. I empty myself to be full of awareness, light, and love, and I am ready to face each day with hope.

END OF QUOTE

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Before my alcoholism spun out of control, I lived over 14 years without drinking.  As a Christian I sought to purify myself of all lust and anger.  It was a miserable spiritual life of great futility.  I prayed and made deals with God.  I sought to appease the Father by emulating anything I knew about the Messiah.  I wanted to be transformed.

I felt that God ignored my desperation.  My continuous but futile struggle for purity so that I could become  a powerful channel of “God’s unconditional love,”  acted as a corrosive agent on my faith.  The death of my son, Josiah, and my marital apocalypse of 2003 crushed that strained faith.

I do not want to go back to a life of futility, a life that does not work.  Drinking and/or seeking to appease God are ways of life that do not work for me.  I think that it is impossible to “empty myself.”  My life and nature are the cards I have been dealt by the Universe.

In AA, my morality is based on intelligence, function, and the building of an intuitive, spiritual interaction between a loving Gomu (God of my understanding) and myself.  I trust the God that did not ignore me.  I trust the God that gives a damn.  I trust the God that I met in the rooms of AA.  For that God, I will listen and change.  I embrace the saving heresies of the 12 step spirituality.  Spiritual progress comes from a loving and empowering God.  Spiritual perfection comes from a condemning God who presides over our  human holocaust.

I am glad to surrender to Gomu, and whatever changes that intimate Deity deems appropriate for my service here on Earth.

 

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