Daily Reprieve

From Courage to Change of January 17;

Anyone who watched my interactions with the alcoholics in my life probably would have considered me the crazy one. I was the one who searched from bar to bar, made scenes in public places, and got hysterical over little things. I was also the one who agonized over the alcoholics’s behavior, lied, made apologies and excuses, and resented everything I was doing. Was this same?

Al-Anon was the first place where I ever thought to question my own sanity. I found that I couldn’t overcome the effects of this disease by force of will or reason. As they say, my best thinking got me here. But Al-Anon’s Second Step suggested that a Higher Power could restore me to sanity.

I knew that I felt more rational in an Al-Anon meeting than I did at any other time, and so I turned for help to the Power that seemed to flow through those meetings. From time to time I still have my irrational moments, but I no longer blame my erratic behavior on anyone else. I now know exactly where to turn when I am ready to find sanity once more.

Today’s Reminder

Today I will focus on my own behavior, If it could stand some improvement, I will ask a Power greater than myself for help.

“If we do not change our direction, we are likely to end up where we are headed.” ~ Ancient Chinese proverb

 

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Fear makes me crazy. I have played the part of hero in a story with no narration or plot. Can I stop the self-destruction of those I love? Not without their consent. Isn’t it possible to raise my crazy to a frequency that will override theirs? Doing nothing in the face of perpetual tragedies and humiliations is unacceptable.

Yes, indeed it is. I must work hard. On me.

It seems to me that when I connect with my Higher Power and gain some sanity in my own life, it gives those close to me permission to do the same. I cannot save them, but I can improve their chances by trusting the process of personal transformation through truthful self-evaluation and connecting to a community invested in my sanity, not my crazy.

From Courage to Change of January 16;

There was a time when, if a thought entered my mind, it automatically came out of my mouth. Even if I wasn’t sure that what I was saying was true, the words poured out of me. In Al-Anon I have learned to “Think” before I speak.

When I’m tempted to respond to angry accusations with accusations of my own, I stop and “Think.” When I have an urge to betray a confidence, to gossip, or to tell something extremely personal to a total stranger, I stop and “Think.” And when my opinion about another person’s business has not been requested, I take the time to “Think” before I get involved. That way I make a conscious choice about how I will respond.

Perhaps I will decide to say nothing, or choose a more tactful way to proceed, or question whether I really mean what I have been thinking. I may decide that this is not an appropriate place to discuss what is on my mond. Or I amy choose to go right ahead and speak up in a very direct manner. Regardless of which option I select, today I am willing to accept the consequences of my actions because I have taken the time to make a choice.

Today’s Reminder

Today I will let my words serve my best interests. I will choose them with care.

“I don’t let my mouth say nothin’ my head can’t stand.” ~ Louis Armstrong

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This is one of the early AA slogans along with “Easy Does It” and “One Day at a Time.” I have heard many interpretations of its meaning and speculations of its history. Because the quote capitalizes and puts in quotes the word “Think,” I imagine the author of those words is making reference to this slogan.

I have been told that the reason the iteration of think in the center of the quote is larger than the other two and has a large red T is because this represents a supernatural form of thinking guided by union with one’s Higher Power. It was common to red letter words spoken by God in the Bible, and this follows that idea.

I then go back to the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous to find a description of the type of thinking this slogan is talking about:

FIRST THINK: (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 86)

“On awakening let us think about the twenty-four hours ahead. We consider our plans for the day. Before we begin, we ask God to direct our thinking, especially asking that it be divorced from self-pity, dishonest or self-seeking motives. Under these conditions we can employ our mental faculties with assurance, for after all God gave us brains to use. Our thought-life will be placed on a much higher plane when our thinking is cleared of wrong motives.”

SECOND SUPERNATURAL THINK: (Alcoholics Anonymous, pages 86 – 87)

“In thinking about our day we may face indecision. We may not be able to determine which course to take. Here we ask God for inspiration, an intuitive thought or a decision. We relax and take it easy. We don’t struggle. We are often surprised how the right answers come after we have tried this for a while. What used to be the hunch or the occasional inspiration gradually becomes a working part of the mind. Being still inexperienced and having just made conscious contact with God, it is not probable that we are going to be inspired at all times. We might pay for this presumption in all sorts of absurd actions and ideas. Nevertheless, we find that our thinking will, as time passes, be more and more on the plane of inspiration. We come to rely upon it.”

THIRD THINK: (Alcoholics Anonymous, pages 87 – 88)

“As we go through the day we pause, when agitated or doubtful, and ask for the right thought or action. We constantly remind ourselves we are no longer running the show, humbly saying to ourselves many times each day “Thy will be done.” We are then in much less danger of excitement, fear, anger, worry, self-pity, or foolish decisions. We become much more efficient. We do not tire so easily, for we are not burning up energy foolishly as we did when we were trying to arrange life to suit ourselves.”

I suppose this is my very favorite part of the Big Book because it provides a discipline for thought transformation through the development of a two way communication with my Higher Power. It really doesn’t matter what I call that infinite entity that pervades the Universe and yet seems to care about me and the unfolding of my life. The labels I put on GOMU (God of My Understanding) tell more about me than about that strange Lover of my life. The will of GOMU is to transform in thought and action through conscience contact. May we all find our way to “Think … Think … Think.”

From Courage to Change of January 15;

Recently I learned about a crisis in the life of an alcoholic I love. Today, while trying to work, I found myself slumping n my chair, depressed and distracted. Soon, all thoughts of work had fled, and I was busy projecting a horrible outcome to my loved one’s crisis and dreading the ways in which the consequences might affect me. The slogan, “One Day at a Time” reminds me that, in spite of my fears, I don’t know what tomorrow will bring.

Why am I leaping into the future? Perhaps I’ve given my feelings no room to exist. Part of me gambles that by worrying in advance, bad news will be easier to face if it comes. But worrying will not protect me from the future. It will just keep me from living here and now.

Today’s Reminder

I needn’t explore how I’ll feel about something that might occur in the future. I don’t actually know how I’ll feel, and it may never happen. So when I feel myself leaving the present, I’ll remind myself that the future is not today’s problem.

“Worry never robs tomorrow of its sorrow; it only saps today of its strength.” ~ A.J. Cronin

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When I am outside of my comfort zone, anxiety comes. When shadow dragons inflame me with visions of darkness and uncertainty, my adrenal pumps. Fear is the primeval emotion, the oldest this physical body knows. When I love others who are vulnerable to risks they are undertaking, I worry.

As long as worry does not paralyze me, I will pass through it and continue to live. It will come and go like the ocean’s tide. Rumination is letting it paralyze me from daily living. Progress is living anyway, as a way of processing such negative emotions. Perfection is death, the rejection of my humanity. I seek progress, not perfection.

From Courage to Change of January 14;

I learned in Al-Anon that I’m bound to fail to make someone else stop drinking because I am powerless over alcoholism. Others in the fellowship had failed as well, yet they seemed almost happy to admit it. In time I understood: By letting go of this battle we were sure to lose, we became free.

Gradually I learned that nothing I did or did not do would convince my loved one to get sober. I understood intellectually, but it took time before I believed it in my heart. Frequent Al-Anon meetings, phone calls, and reading of Al-Anon literature were indispensable to his learning process.

Later, when my loved one chose sobriety, I found new ways to apply this principle of powerlessness. Although I was tempted to check upon the number of meetings attended and to protect the alcoholic from anything upsetting, I had accepted that nothing I could do would make or break another person’s sobriety. After a while, I saw that my fears had little to do with the alcoholic. Instead, they indicated that I needed to work my program.

Today’s Reminder

When I am able to admit that I am powerless over alcohol, my life becomes more manageable. Today I will take the path t personal freedom and serenity that begins when I surrender.

“Our spiritual growth is unlimited and our reward endless if we try to bring this program into every phase of our daily lives.” ~ The Twelve Steps and Traditions

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I am a double dipper being both qualified for Alcoholics Anonymous and Al-Anon. The concept of powerlessness was first limited to my personal struggle. Yet this powerlessness seems to be a spiritual principle quite similar to anonymity. I have considered this from time to time, but Al-Anon takes it to another level for me. It is not just my alcoholism I am powerless over. This is a paradoxical process of becoming free, and the process is advanced when my general meditation on powerlessness finds specific manifestations in my daily living. I am going to sit on this concept in the hope of hatching a new level of spiritual freedom.

“I’ve never been good at making friends; I’ve always been good at making strangers.” ~ Katie H.

May you finally rest in peace. May 1st, 2016.

From Courage to Change of January 13;

Al-Anon gives me great spiritual freedom because it encourages me to find a personal understanding of God, and to allow others the same freedom. Until I could think of God in terms that were meaningful to me, I was not able to truly turn my life over to a Higher Power.

My concept of God evolves. It changes and grows as I continue to change and grow. How wonderful it is, for I now sense a Higher Power that is as alive as I am! Never in my life did I dream of finding such a source of serenity, courage, and wisdom.

There is a sense of unique purpose to my journey through life. I am the only one who can live it, and I need the help of the God of my understanding in order to live it fully. Grounded in faith, I can hold tight to my course and meet the future with confidence.

Today’s Reminder

Once upon a time I was afraid to live life for myself. This was because I did not know how to do it and thought that there was no one to show me. Now I have a resource deep within me to guide me along life’s many roads. I am not alone on my journey.

“In the midst of winter, I finally learned that there was in me an invincible summer.”  ~ Albert Camus

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I do not have what I would call real spiritual freedom. I have negative spiritual freedom. Freedom from “us and them.” Freedom from perpetual social guilt. Freedom from the fearful censorship of ideas that might damn me. Freedom from that need to prove I am willing to save the world and freedom from the desperation of self-castigation necessary to catch God’s attention.

For me, real spiritual freedom is positive. It is the freedom to do something with my life. It is the freedom to find or create meaning in my daily living. It is the freedom to establish contact beyond the fleshly veil and walk between the worlds. I seek such a fantastic existence without repentance to realism. I stay open and embrace the possibility of all forms of communication beyond my understanding into the spirit realm, that which is not bound to the inevitability of death.

Sisyphus knew the punishment of the gods. His labors were senseless and his efforts were futile. So the God of his understanding was actually the boulder he was damned to push up the mountain. The punishing gods had made themselves irrelevant in their subject’s life. It was a God of guilt in the form of a boulder that defined his existence.

If you look closer his muscles have grown tight and powerfully hard. His callouses make him unflinching in the broken stone face of his labors. Finally the gods will relent and give him the gift of failing.

As I see him walk away from an obsession that ruled his life, I do not know how to finish the story. Spending your life ascending the mountaintop makes the journey in its shadow one of great uncertainty.

Living within me is a God of great relevance. This story is currently being written in the rooms of Al-Anon and Alcoholics Anonymous. That uncertainty is the result of an active mind exploring the possibility of freedom.

My persistent energy forges a new path.

From Courage to Change of January 12;

Early one morning I stopped to watch a colony of bees. A little intimidated by the frenzied motion and intense buzzing, I reminded myself that if I didn’t poke my nose into their hive, I wouldn’t get stung. If I hose to maintain a safe distance from a dangerous situation, I would be fine.

To me, that is exactly the lesson that detachment teaches. The choice is mine. When I sense that a situation is dangerous to my physical, mental, or spiritual well-being, I can put extra distance between myself and the situation. Sometime this means that I don’t get too emotionally involved in a problem; sometimes I am physically leave the room or end a conversation. And sometimes I try to put spiritual space between myself and another person’s alcoholism or behavior. This doesn’t mean I stop loving the person, only that I acknowledge the risks to my own well-being and make choices to take care of myself.

Today’s Reminder

Now I know how to end an argument by simply refusing to participate, to turn to my Higher Power for help with whatever I’m powerless to change, to say, “No,” when I mean no, and to step back from insanity rather than diving into it. Detachment is a loving gift I continue to give to myself and to others.

“If a man carries his own lantern, he need not fear darkness.” ~ Hasidic saying

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Divorce. Exile. Isolation. Renunciation. Escape. Disassociation. . .

Detachment.

It is difficult to escape the damming connotations of the word detachment when the strategy of withdrawing from a volatile situation is not necessarily associated with well-being and gifts and spiritual lanterns. At times, it even seems cowardly.

Add to the mix that I am creating safe distance from someone I deeply love and the strategy becomes unbearable.

When dealing with a loved one’s choices that appear to be self-destructive and personally painful, I tend to fall into the choice of being a tyrant with intervention or fall prey to a victim’s world view. I believe detachment is an attempt to provide a third option.

This third option of detachment is not something easily navigated and should not be undertaken in isolation. I have to stay connected with a network of people who are invested in my higher self. In fact, I believe detachment in one relationship area should be balanced with attachment to others.

It is a work in progress for me not to stir the beehive nor grow apathetic to the taste of honey.

Artwork: Angry Blue

From Courage to Change of January 11;

I feel like the luckiest person in the world because I’ve found a second family, and I am a very real part of it. In my new family, I am accepted just as I am. I never have to pretend, or wear a mask over my feelings. I can speak freely and know that my words won’t leave the room.

In my new family, people empathize when I share my troubles. But instead of trying to solve my problems for me, they allow me the dignity to do so on my own. They do offer their experience, strength, and hope, and in this sharing  often hear just what I need to help me with a troublesome situation.

In my new family, love is not a point system. I don’t have to earn love from others – it’s given freely as a gift. I don’t have to earn my place in the sun, I can just relax and be myself.

Today’s Reminder

When a loved one’s alcoholism brought me to Al-Anon, I found a new, second family, a family that helped me discover the me that had been hidden for so long, a family that will always be there for me. Today I will enjoy having a place where I really belong.

“For me, alcoholism has proven to be a bittersweet legacy – bitter, because of the pain I suffered, and sweet, because if t weren’t for that pain, I wouldn’t have searched for and found a better way of living.” ~ Al-Anon Faces Alcoholism

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“See, your hard won wisdom is going to be invaluable to me.” The voice that spoke these words to me has walked closely with me in the “hard-won” part of the journey. She is dealing with someone she suspects is caught in the web of addiction. I am glad that she is here to share in the “wisdom.”

I am not sure that I have gained a second family as much as I have a second shot at family. And since I have had to work on myself in order to overcome both addiction in myself and others, I can move further with genuine intimacy. The purpose of the group helps me to become a better version of me, and thus that is reflected with the way I relate to others. As I become more truthful with myself, I can become so with others. And when I no longer see that truthfulness as a threat, I can accept it from others. I can care about others without losing myself in the process. And they can care about me without being taken hostage. It is an ongoing process to cultivate this bittersweet legacy of overcoming alcoholism and co-dependency.

From Courage to Change of January 10;

I suspect that if I reclaimed all the minutes, hours, and days I’ve sacrificed to worry and fear, I’d add years to my life. When I succumb to worry, I open a Pandora’s box of terrifying pictures, paranoid voices, and relentless self-criticism. The more attention I pay to this mental static, the more I lose my foothold in reality. Then nothing useful can be accomplished.

To break the cycle of worry and fear, I’m learning to focus all my attention on this very moment. I can turn away from destructive thoughts and concentrate instead on the sights and sounds around me: light and shadows, the earth beneath my feet, the pulse of everyday living – all pieces of the here-and-now. These bits of reality help rescue me from “what ifs” and “should haves” by anchoring me in the present. Prayer and meditation, the slogans, and phone calls to Al-Anon friends are other sources of serenity that bring me back to this moment. As I shut out the noise, I am more receptive to my Higher Power’s will, and therefore much more able to work my way through difficult times.

Today’s Reminder

This day is all I have to work with, and it is all I need. If I am tempted to worry about tomorrow’s concerns, I will gently bring my mind back to today.

“The past has flown away. The coming month and year do not exist. Ours only is the present’s tiny point.” ~ Mahmud Shabistari

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It resonates with me, this realization that I have spent so much time in negative rumination.  I have felt the painful flames of shadow dragons. These visions of darkness and abandonment become real as I entertain their possibility. I know that my hope is to protect myself, to surround and fend off the . . . fill in the blank.

I have been listening to the audio set for Natalie Goldberg’s “Writing Down the Bones.” It is spiritually soothing for me to know about her writing practice that combines lessons learned in Zen meditation. Many of her suggestions to help writers to go ahead and write can be applied to the self going ahead and living in this moment.

I am learning to trust the way that is laid before me, to take responsibility for the tasks and let my Higher Power convert that raw material to fulfillment.  I will gently bring my mind back to today. Yes, I believe I will.

From Courage to Change of January 09;

How often I look outside myself for approval! The project at work is successful, but my good feelings depend on having that success acknowledged. The meal I fix at home is not as tasty when no one compliments the cook. I resent the favors I do for my children when they neglect to thank me.

We all need an occasional pat on the back. But when the applause of others becomes the reason for my behavior and necessary for me to feel satisfied, then I have given them power over me. People may forget to notice the terrific things that I’ve done or may not be comfortable praising me. I don’t have to take ti personally. Self-pity and resentment are not my only options. If I can learn to evaluate my own actions and behavior and to value my own judgement, then the approval of others will be enjoyable, but no longer essential to my serenity.

Today’s Reminder

Just for today, I will appreciate myself. I will not look to others for approval; I will provide it for myself. I’ll allow myself to recognize that I am doing the best I can. Today my best is good enough.

“Your vision will become clear only when you can look into your own heart.” ~ Carl Jung

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A great deal of my anxiety comes from trying to manage the perspectives others have of me. At the height of my co-dependent anguish, I withdraw into whatever protective image I can muster to become what I believe will make others emotionally domesticated in my presence. I have heard the phrase, “what others think of me is none of my business.” I have never been able to get in line with such dismissal of a potential threat. This childhood indoctrination caused me to lose any real concept of my own identity. I struggle to find an “acceptable self-expression.” I was terribly sensitive to any criticism. I would meet any sign of uncontrollable emotion with wrath or withdrawal. There was no middle ground.

Separating my true core from this icon of impossible diplomacy has taken a surgeon greater than myself. The Steps have been, in a sense, a dating session with me. I have to find safe places to lure myself into the open so that I and Me can know each other. Sometimes the desire for self-sabotage swells within. Yet I resist.  This is a very difficult process. I am hoping to establish centers of trust in Al-Anon, stronger than those I have sought but never gained in the recovery rooms. Right now, I am just working on stopping myself from running away. Just for today, I will work on a consistent presence among my fellow survivors.