Endigar 747

From Courage to Change of January 18;

When I first heard that the best way to help an alcoholic was to focus on myself, I thought Al-Anon was a heartless place where I would be forced to stop caring about my loved ones. I had decided never to return, but someone shared a thought that changed my mind. He said that although the desire to help another person can be well-motivated and compassionate, our old ways of “helping” don’t necessarily help. Al-Anon offers a new way to help.

I examined my version of helping the alcoholic. I saw that when I covered her bad checks or made excuses for her, I kept her from facing the consequences of her actions. I actually was depriving her of opportunities to want to change.

I also had to consider why I felt so desperate unless I was helping. When I took a look at my motives, I found that it was my anxiety I didn’t want to face.

Today’s Reminder

Is the help I offer truly loving or do I have other motives? Am I trying to change another person or get them to do what I want? Talking it over with my Sponsor can offer perspective. My best hope for helping those I love really does begin when I focus on myself.

“In Al-Anon we learn:

-Not to create a crisis;

-Not to prevent a crisis if it is in the natural course of events.”



END OF QUOTE———————————————-


I do not understand my own motives at times. I am often blind to what pushes and paralyzes me. It has been natural to live a life exhaling panic and inhaling apathy.

I know that I can take this concept of detachment and use it to withdraw into a puddle of morbid self-reflection. I know that I can take it as license to protect myself from pain only to find myself fearing all intimacy. Detachment cannot become isolation.

So what am I detaching from?

The active alcoholic/addict is a true personification of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. Ingest the chemical and Mr. Hyde is on center stage and the Doctor is a paralyzed captive.

I will not support the living death of an active, breathing Mr. Hyde, in myself or others. That is what detachment is to me. I do not want to inadvertently perpetuate the doctor’s captivity by paying Mr. Hyde’s ransom.

Detachment also requires attachment to an aggressive, positive selfishness on my part. I am not speaking of the isolating, suicidal selfishness. I have to want to live and prove it in my own acts of self-care. This takes time and practice and self-evaluation. I have to chose to carve out this time to grow or surrender to the waste of time involved in crisis management.


Art Credit: Manuel Bejarano of Spain


2 Responses to “Endigar 747”

  1. It’s hard to stop. I tries to stop my husband from driving last night after drinking 1.5 bottles of whiskey. He almost attacked me. I couldn’t stop him…I knew it bofore I even tried it.

    • endigar Says:

      It is hard to handle stuff like that on your own. I would strongly suggest that you connect with Al-Anon in your area. Don’t take it on by yourself. There are others out there who have been through this and found the way to sanity. You do not need to be alone. My heart is with you. Reach out and connect.

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