Daily Reprieve

I heard in a sales meeting once that people are generally more motivated by the fear of losing than they are excited about the prospect of gaining an opportunity.  When I first put in my notice at this present job, I really sensed an intuitive nudge and an assurance in the rightness of time.  I also knew that I had totally lost heart in what I was doing, and my disease seemed to manifest when I could not give up on something even if it was killing me to hang on to it.  My life had been more strongly driven by fear than excited by opportunity.  I learned to appease and to hide.  This time, I am my own best friend.  I am who I am, and sometimes I am going to make mistakes.  But I am not going to hide out.  I may not be totally free of fear, but I am free of thinking fear is the same as morality.

I ask that any who read this particular entry from last night forgive my crass and insensitive remarks about a couple of members in my home group.  My slave says that when I get tired, I get all “crazified.”  Regardless, I am responsible for my words.  Again, my apologies.

There is another entry in the book “As Bill Sees It” that I will include.  It is an excerpt from the Grapevine, January 1962 followed by an excerpt from one of Bill’s letters dated 1966:

“In my own case, the foundation stone of freedom from fear is that of faith:  a faith that, despite all worldly appearances to the contrary, causes me to believe that I live in a universe that makes sense.”

“When I was driven to my knees by alcohol, I was made ready to ask for the gift of faith.  And all was changed.  Never again, my pains and problems notwithstanding, would I experience my former desolation.  I saw the universe to be lighted by God’s love;  I was alone no more.”

A universe that makes sense…alone no more.  Hmmm.  Could the need to connect and the need to make sense of chaotic forces create the Higher Power imperative?  Or is connecting and making sense apart of the process of being restored to sanity?  Holy crap, I am tired.  Good night all.

I knew the question would be coming to me.  Everyone who picks up a token for a year or more gets asked that same question.  “How did you do it?”  The addict or alcoholic with that much sobriety must have done something right.  Turn around and face those who are new and share some wisdom, something for others to grab hold of.  I thought I would be absolutely prepared for that moment.  I began meditating on this question many weeks ago when I realized how quickly the time was approaching.  I thought I might print out a copy of my progress report and read it off to them, showing that if you expect God to move a mountain, you better bring a shovel.  But then I sensed self glorification in that, something that is meant to make me feel good, without regard for its usefulness to the whole group of those who continue to struggle.  I did not want to provide bumper sticker answers that smacked of religious platitudes; “I didn’t, God did.”  That is a popular one.  But it is so misleading.  Yes, I need a contact with a Higher Power, but that alone sets the stage.  I am required to follow a few simple requirements, as they say. 

In the end, I was left to share this wisdom with no idea of what is going to come out of my mouth.  I listened in the group and awaited, no begged for inspiration. 

How did you do it?  Gomu and Disease.  The disease concept of this program removed a burden of self-loathing off of my back, no longer a man lacking in will power, but a man made helpless by a powerful and cunning disease.  (it was said during that meeting, “take a package of laxatives and will yourself not to shit”).  Gomu is my acronym for the God of My Understanding.  This program helped restore a spiritual life for me, not by giving me a Higher Power, but by setting me free to seek a Higher Power as I understand Him, She, It and giving me an imperative to do it or die.  I called these my favorite two heresies of the program, heresies because they are violations of the way I used to think, a way that was killing me. 

I read something from the book “As Bill Sees It” that I would like to include.  It was written by Bill Wilson in the Grapevine, 1961: 

“Do as I do…Perhaps more often than we think, we make no contact at depth with alcoholics who are suffering  the dilemma of no faith.

Certainly none are more sensitive to spiritual cocksureness, pride, and aggression than they are.  I’m sure this is something we too often forget.

In A.A.’s first years, I all but ruined the whole undertaking with this sort of unconscious arrogance.  God as I understood Him had to be for everybody.  Sometimes my aggression was subtle and sometimes it was crude.  But either way it was damaging – perhaps fatally so – to numbers of nonbelievers.

Of course this sort of thing isn’t confined to 12th Step work.  It is very apt to leak out into our relations with everybody.  Even now, I catch myself chanting that same old barrier-building refrain:  ‘Do as I do, believe as I do – or else!’ “

I have a third sponsee as of tonight.  I thought I would share my paraphrase of the 3rd step prayer that I did on the 13th of November, last year:

To my Higher Power,

Because you are specifically interested in me, I desire to know you.  Because you appear to love me and give a damn about what happens to me, and because you are more powerful than my enemy, my disease, I will entrust the care of my life to you.  Because you seemed to be connected to everyone, and to be the representative of the web of the cosmos to me, the repository of universal wisdom, I will trust your guidance for my life.  Because the examples of your demonstrated will around me unfold in creative beauty and satisfy the hunger to truly live, I will subordinate my will to yours.

I have felt ignored and abandoned by you in the past.  I do not claim to understand you.  Or even to have your identity nailed down.  I struggle to hear your voice and understand your activity or lack thereof.  But I have given up the right, the need to argue.  I just need to live.  And you have found me now.  I accept your right to correct my way of life.  I accept you because you accept me.  Own me.  I am yours. 

These are the words I have a prejudice against and will need your help with as I work this program: surrender, willingness, dependence, weakness, good, total obedience, tame, beaten, honesty, homogenizing love, the apathy of peace, serenity, and contentment, predator, molester, bully, stupidity, culturally enforced ignorance, religion, balance.

These are the words that I like and I will also need your help with:  dangerous, strong, honorable, brave, powerful, intelligent, secrets reaper, high pain tolerance, endurance, persistence, pleasure, lust, adventure, vicious, cunning, creative, magic, superseding order out of explosive chaos, animal instinct, stoic, war, ambition, drive, adaptation, stealth, truth.

But I know that the logical conclusion of this disease is jail, insanity, or tragic death.

So I pray this – I am willing to surrender everything about me for you, my Higher Power, to become active  in my life.  I reach as I grow, I do what I know, I  let it all go.  Thank-you for one more apple to eat, a bite at a time.

The final question:

12.  Have you realized that God is doing for you what you could not do for yourself?

I find this question repugnant, as though it is not enough for an admission of powerlessness, but now you have to rub my nose in it!  No, I do not sense that there is a God magically spoon-feeding this program to me on any level.  But I feel that this God entity is partnering up with me, empowering me to do what needs to be done and making me effective, amplifying every effort I exercise. 

I believe this God entity needs me as much as I need It.

God was alone in the universe and it “was not good.”  This self-aware central force of the universe, the spider of the web that connects all, wanted others that could relate to It on a level no other being could achieve.  God needed beings that could understand the power of both order and chaos.  He created us, and he set us up to fall.  Perfection with a flaw was the design.  I am OK with this.  I have to express who I am to be a value to It, and It has to enhance my life to be of value to me.  Thus, our relationship has relevance one to the other.

Question 11:  Have you developed the ability to intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle you?

I would have to say absolutely YES.  I feel like I have stepped over the intuitive obstacles of religion and fear, the primary voices of my lower power.

My slave said that I am starting to sound like a preacher.  yikes!  I have had people assume that I am a preacher because I was ordained for a short time in a store front church.  That was a galaxy far, far away.

The recovery program did not give me a Higher Power, it gave me the freedom to seek and the imperative to find.  That is apparently all I needed.  The doctrinal baggage nearly killed me.  My Higher Power is not definable in my current state of existence, I do not believe.  I am at peace with that fact, and I am also at peace with the fact that this entity doesn’t give a dam about how I reach out, just the fact that I do.  He-She-It cares about me.  That’s all I need to live and to receive intuitive guidance.  I could be Jewish, Muslim, Christian, Atheist, Wiccan, Pagan, or some individualistic blend that helps me to be comfortable in my own skin.  There is no more “Us and Them” for me.  If you want to be the best You there is, there is a force in the universe that shouts AMEN to that desire. 

That is what I have found, and what has kept me sober this past year, and resurrected my spiritual life that died in the year of fuck-it, 2003.  I am a deeply grateful heretic.

Are you about finished with those questions?  Good grief.

Just a few more.  Here is the next one:

10.  Has the fear of economic insecurity left you?

No, not completely.  I know this is a trust issue with my Higher Power and I am actively working on this.  I received a promise tonight through an intuitive journal.  My one year tag is going to be a prosperity guarantee.  I know, that could be a misread on my part and if you hear God promise to move a mountain, make sure to bring a shovel.  I know this.  But when I can trust HP on this, the fear leaves me.  I actually look forward to testing the reality of this promise.  Ultimately, serenity must not be dependant on outer circumstances.  But I think serenity, this trust in the magic of the universe, does have an impact on the physical environment.  Whatever is happening on the inside gets reflected on the outside.  Such is my hope. 

I went to my first Al Anon meeting tonight, with Sponsee One.  The speaker was someone I had just made amends to.  I think I need to take advantage of that.  He has invited me to a men’s only Al Anon meeting nearby.  Maybe so.

Next question;

9.  Has the fear of people left you?

It’s intensity has decreased.  During my drinking, I can remember having difficulty getting outside of the apartment.  I have always had difficulty connecting with others, but when I began to nurture my pathological relationship with alcohol, familiarity and closeness with others brought accountability I did not desire.  But, through the program, I have been able to connect with others in a way I never have.  I would say that it is even closer than the camaraderie I felt from being in the military, because there is no overwhelming sense of being judged.  I am understood on some very basic levels.

The fear of people has left me, most of the time.  Being annoyed with people is something I am still working on.  Progress prior to perfection, I guess.

I don’t know why I don’t give my sponsor credit for the experience and good advise he gives, and why I put so much my stock in my own isolation.  I got to talk to him this morning, when his cell came back into range and he discovered that I had been having a hard time.  I am trying to use a mind that is not yet healed.  I tracked back to a point last week when I turned my attention away from helping my sponsees to some more self indulgent pursuits.  I still have some issues about having to meet Sponsee Two at a church sponsored recovery program, and I think that it activated this fear of being sucked back into that realm of social and behavioral control.  I am no longer protected by my fierce anger.  But it all is beginning to make sense again, now that I have ridden the storm out and seen the tools of the program begin to bring me back into sanity.  Oops, the question man has returned:

Yes, we had only answered the first seven questions of the twelve I had for you, based on the ninth step promises.  So let us pick up the next one, now that you are back with us:

 8.  Has your whole attitude and outlook on life changed? 

Can I truly answer this question?  I have definitely had an attitude adjustment and my outlook on life is so much more positive and resilient than it has been.  But I generally shy away from all inclusive words and broad sweeping conclusions.  The phrase “whole attitude and outlook” is beyond my scope.  I am only able to answer because the question doesn’t add “completely changed.” 

So my answer is yes, with qualifications.