Daily Reprieve

From Courage to Change of February 26;

We all make mistakes. But hopefully, as we apply the Al-Anon program and continue to grow in self-awareness, we will learn from those mistakes. Amends can be made for any harm we’ve done, and we can change our behavior and attitudes so that we won’t repeat the same errors. thus, even painful past experiences can help us learn to create a better future.

The greatest obstacle to this learning process is shame. Shame is an excuse to hate ourselves today for something we did or didn’t do in the past.  There is no room in a shame-filled mind for the fact that we did our best at the time, no room to accept that as human beings we are bound to make mistakes.

If I feel ashamed, I need a reality check because my thinking is probably distorted. Even though it may take great courage, if I share about it with an Al-Anon friend, I will interrupt the self-destructive thoughts and make room for a more loving and nurturing point of view. With  a little help, I may discover that even my most embarrassing  moments can bless my life by teaching me to turn in a more positive direction.

Today’s Reminder

Today I will love myself enough to recognize shame as an error in judgment.

“The ultimate lesson all of us have to learn is unconditional love, which includes not only others but ourselves as well.” ~ Elisabeth Kübler-Ross

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[Elisabeth Kübler-Ross was a Swiss-American psychiatrist, a pioneer in near-death studies and the author of the groundbreaking book On Death and Dying, where she first discussed her theory of the five stages of grief discussed in detail in the Kübler-Ross model article.]

I have recently finished reading a book by a friend I met in the 12 Step recovery rooms in my area. He survived a suicide attempt and as a result, had a near death experience (NDE). I have read of several NDEs and the experience has some common threads of leaving or separating from the body but still aware of the surrounding environment of the body, the translation to a spiritual plane such as a tunnel, a light, a passage and then finally there is the encounter with some form of enlightenment that conforms to the spiritual inspiration of the Earthly experience.

All such revelation from across the veil is in antithesis to shame. Guilt and taking responsibility for cleaning up my side of the street have nothing to do with suicide and shame. Guilt can lead to action, but shame crushes the heart needed for self-improvement and recovery. I would like to read the works of Kübler-Ross. The book I finished reading was entitled I Saw Love by Tim Holmes. It has much to say about addiction and recovery. I recommend you take a peak as well. I found it on Amazon.

From Courage to Change of February 25;

Alcoholism in a family tends to promote neglect of self. Consequently, I never learned how to take care of myself when I didn’t feel well. Even with a high fever, I went about my business just as I would any other day. Anything else seemed self-indulgent and weak.

In Al-Anon I’ve had a chance to discover a different way to take care  of myself. I see others giving themselves extra attention when they are sick. They rest when they feel tired. They sometimes take the day off. They eat balanced diets. They see doctors when it seems  appropriate.

By following the examples of other Al-Anon members, I am learning to accept that I can’t  always feel on top of the world and to respond more lovingly. It’s just one  more area where I am letting go of my unrealistic expectations. Maybe illness is something my Higher Power uses to  tell me to  be good to myself.

Today’s Reminder

I am not a robot. Sometimes I get sick, or tired, or preoccupied. I will make an effort to learn what I can do to help myself feel better.

“. . . It is crucial to be diligent about taking care of ourselves, especially during stressful periods.”  . . .In All Our Affairs

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I have a friend in the program who described an overdose he experienced on a substance he got over the Internet to help deal with his anxiety. He had no history of mental illness except for the addictive nature and depression resulting from his perpetual gut-wrenching fear that lay suppressed in his daily living. He ended up in the emergency room experiencing paranoia inspired hallucinations and delusions. The worst of these was a continuous chorus of peepers who mocked him from outside the room. He would see them walk by or peek in. After he recovered, he realized that the things they said to him were voices he had heard all his life. “They all hate you. It is only a matter of time before they discover how pathetic you are. Such a pretender. There is nothing of substance or value in you. Step out onto the stage of life and they will strip you naked, expose your impotence to the world.”

On a much more toned down level, I have also had to fight these soul-jeers to move forward in life and risk performing. It is hard to accept life on life’s terms when the demonic chorus sings. Any sign of weakness must be tucked away. Self-care must never be made a matter of public record. I must do what must be done no matter how deeply it hurts.

I suspect these voices come from indoctrination in early childhood, growing up with a mother who remained wounded from life as an adult child of an active alcoholic, witnessing the tragic end of the Father she loved and adored.  The horror ripples through generations. For me, self-care becomes an act of exorcism. The voices are not real. Facts are my friends. Failing while performing is the path all must take to success. Humility is strength. I am creating a new choir in my head that values my life, my compassion, and fears not the effort to move forward. The new singers play epic soundtracks exalting the daily acts of courage.

From Courage to Change of February 24;

Isn’t it exasperating to go to the grocery for an item, only to find the shelf empty? Fortunately,  grocers can correct that situation by taking inventory to learn which shelves need replenishment.

The same is true for me. A Fourth Step inventory illuminates my own empty spaces, my shortcomings. This  doesn’t have to be a painful or scary experience. I don’t have to pass judgment on an empty shelf, but unless I take the time to become aware of it, I won’t do anything to fill it, and the problem will continue. By taking inventory, my empty spots can be filled with the help of the remaining Steps. I experience the healing power of these Steps whenever the formerly hurtful circumstances recur while the pain that I once felt does not.

Today’s Reminder

When I can’t find a solution to a problem, when I have nagging doubts, fears, or frustrations, when I feel  lost or confused, a searching and fearless moral inventory of myself can make a tremendous difference. Whenever I work the Steps, I tell my Higher Power that I am willing to heal, to find a solution, to feel better. The energy that would have been dumped into worry,  tears, and obsession can be turned into positive  action.

“We all wish good things to happen to us, but we cannot just pray and then sit down and expect miracles to happen. We must back up our  prayers with action.” ~ Freedom from Despair

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I have seen a pattern in the 12 Steps that has been helpful for me. Maybe it will be for you as well, dear reader. I see three primary life changing foci of my work in the Steps: Paradoxical Power from Powerlessness (Steps 1 – 4/5 – 10), Transformation via Spiritual Relationship (Steps 2 – 6/7 – 11), and Mission Execution through Covenant (Steps 3 – 8/9 – 12).

Paradoxical Power from Powerlessness: This process starts with identifying powerlessness in a specific area of my life, and seeing our Higher Power use it as a channel of empowerment. It often feels humiliating to look at our deficits, but it is this developed skill that opens the conduit of power in our behalf.

Transformation via Spiritual Relationship:  I see this as a process that makes me a worthy carrier of the power I am gaining in the previous one. I am being transformed into someone who cares about others, has self-esteem because I do estimable things, and who gains a greater awareness and communication with my Higher Power. I can begin to recognize the invisible force of the loving Entity of the God of my understanding. The inventory taking of this program is an essential practice to pinpoint areas that prevent my transformation.

Mission Execution through Covenant:  From my understanding of past spiritual training, a covenant is much more than an agreement. It was the death of separate individuals to create a new supernatural union. This was symbolized in Old Testament with the slaughter of an  animal that represented the separate individuals. After its death, the animal is cut in halves and the participates walk between them. The resulting union was expected to hold greater weight than any business contract or political treaty. The idea that what is mine is yours and vice versa comes from this ancient concept. It was the foundational teaching of marriage covenant and I suspect the true importance of losing virginity in marital consummation – the severing of halves and the shedding of blood.

Step three is the beginning of this process and Step 12 is the completion of it. I gain greater confidence in the reality of my covenant arrangement with my Higher Power when I am able to execute GOMU’s heart to other sufferers. I depend on this covenant for the direction of my will which is empowered by the initial process, and for the care of my physical life and well-being.

This is what I see. It is helpful to me. The inventory process is not a matter of beating up on myself. I seek out my short-comings in anticipation of a transformed, powerful life walking in union with the Infinite One who loves me deeply while honoring my free will.

From Courage to Change of February 23;

Even as a child, I had grown-up responsibilities, so it is no wonder that I grew up to be a caretaker. It seemed so comfortable, so automatic to think of others first and to give myself completely to whatever crisis was at hand without a thought for myself. When I became aware that this was not one lf  my most admirable traits but was instead a form of self-destructiveness, I was horrified. I set  out to wipe out all such behavior and attitudes. I was determined to become as self-involved and uncaring as possible.

Fortunately, I failed to make such a radical change. Today, years later, I am still a caretaker, and I probably always will be. But now I consider it a valued characteristic, a gift of my upbringing that can greatly enhance my life if I don’t carry it to the extreme.  Although I no longer  do things for others that they could do for themselves, I still try to be nurturing to them as well as myself. Al-Anon helps me to find some balance.

Today’s Reminder

Today I will try not to condemn parts of myself while accepting other parts. I am a composite, and I love myself best when I embrace all that I am.

“My imperfections and failures are as much a blessing from God as my successes and my talents, and I lay them both at His feet.” ~ Mahatma Gandhi

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I struggle with this  self-destructive caretaking. It is difficult for me to see it as a gift from my childhood. I suppose I have not been able to achieve the balance necessary to use it without unknowingly discarding self-care. I wanted to go to military school when I was adolescent to escape this adult burden of family diplomat and champion and harden myself. My life of military service failed to purge this indoctrinated “weakness” from my personality.

Yet, when I became the primary care-giver of my father, I did see its benefit when used where it should be. My father was a good man who was self-sacrificing. In honoring him, it has given me a different perspective on my own compassion. I think the balance will come as I grow more comfortable directing some of that heart in my direction. I have tried it a few times and my soul seems to respond. This is an ongoing process that I believe to be a beneficial pursuit.

From Courage to Change of February 21;

Thanks to Al-Anon’s Traditions, I am able to have a Sponsor whose politics are abhorrent to me. Although we totally disagree on other issues, this person has helped me learn valuable lessons about serenity, courage, and wisdom. If I had insisted on a Sponsor with political views exactly like my own, I would have missed out on an extraordinarily rich and beneficial relationship.

I think that the spirit of the Tenth Tradition has  made this possible. It states that “The Al-Anon Family Groups have no opinion on outside issues; hence our name ought never be drawn into public controversy.” At the group level, this means that I can go to a meeting and know that I won’t be recruited for any particular cause. As a group, we have a single purpose — to support one another as we recover from the effects of alcoholism. But on a personal level,  this Tradition allows me to establish a valuable relationship with a person who, under less supportive conditions, I might have been hard pressed to treat with civility.

Today’s Reminder

Today I can  be more tolerant  of other views  as I learn to take what I like and leave  the rest. I don’t have  to let outside issues distract me from  my primary spiritual goal. I’ll keep the doors open, for I never  know  where I might find help.

“Within the fellowship, the one thing that has brought us together must remain our sole concern.” ~ Al-Anon’s Twelve Steps & Twelve Traditions

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Al-Anon has “no opinion on outside issues; hence the” Al-Anon “name ought never be drawn into public controversy.” This is the Tenth Tradition of Al-Anon, taken from AA and used for similar purpose in Al-Anon. It is there to provide protection for the group and focus for its individual members. The purpose is not the life and death struggle of the alcoholic or addict. Instead, as a member of Al-Anon, mine is a struggle for sanity. I need a safe place to recover. This is my focus when I come into the rooms and reach out.

Alcoholism/Addiction is like a deadly vine that wraps around poles, markers in my heart. The poles may be legitimate expression of love. The vines creep and grow and engulf that marker and it becomes too difficult for me to discern between the poisonous plant and the affirmation of devotion to my afflicted family member or close friend.

If I am to live a life where it is safe to love again, I cannot be distracted by “outside issues” or become burdened with “public controversy.” If I am to build a new life and a new freedom, I need others with similar focus. There is hard fought wisdom in the Tenth Tradition. Outside issues are anything other than my efforts at cleaning my side of the street. It is the only place I can exercise real power. And that is the source of my strength in the face of tragedy and chaos. The arena of public controversy seeds resentment and distrust in my life. I embrace the Tenth Tradition to clean away the wreckage of my inner life, and to share that power with others.

From Courage to Change of February 22;

I had problems making  decisions because my standards were impossible to achieve. I wanted to make decisions that would get me exactly what I wanted, or I didn’t want to make them at all. I learned in Al-Anon that no one can know in advance all the consequences of any decision. We can only take the information at  hand and do our best in choosing thoughtfully.

I don’t have to make decisions alone. I can turn to God and ask for help. Over time I have come to realize that this help takes  many different forms — a meeting topic that offered perspective, a tug at my stomach, a “coincidence.” And sometimes God speaks through others. When members share their experience, strength, and hope, I listen carefully to how they handled similar situations.

In the grand  scheme of things, no single decision is ever really that important. I can  do my best to make decisions wisely, but the results are in the hands of a Higher Power.

Today’s Reminder

With the help of a Higher Power, decision-making can be one of life’s great adventures. Each crossroad brings a new challenge, and I am capable of dealing with whatever comes my way.

“When I used to make specific requests [of God], I was so busy waiting for them to be granted that I didn’t realize the answers were staring me in the face.” ~ As We Understood . . .

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“Nevertheless, we find that our thinking will, as time passes, be more and more on the plane of inspiration. We come to rely on it.” ~ Alcoholics Anonymous

Climbing up on Solsbury Hill
I could see the city light
Wind was blowing, time stood still
Eagle flew out of the night

He was something to observe
Came in close, I heard a voice
Standing stretching every nerve
I had to listen had no choice

I did not believe the information
Just had to trust imagination
My heart was going boom boom, boom
“Son,” he said, “Grab your things, I’ve come to take you home.”

To keeping silence I resigned
My friends would think I was a nut
Turning water into wine
Open doors would soon be shut

So I went from day to day
Tho’ my life was in a rut
‘Till I thought of what I’d say
Which connection I should cut

I was feeling part of the scenery
I walked right out of the machinery
My heart was going boom boom boom
“Hey,” he said, “grab your things, I’ve come to take you home.”
Yeah back home

When illusion spin her net
I’m never where I want to be
And liberty she pirouette
When I think that I am free

Watched by empty silhouettes
Who close their eyes, but still can see
No one taught them etiquette
I will show another me

Today I don’t need a replacement
I’ll tell them what the smile on my face meant
My heart was going boom boom boom
“Hey,” I said, “You can keep my things, they’ve come to take me home.”

For me, the spiritual experience is an intimate relationship with Mystery, and that experience can be relived in small daily interactions when I am faced with decisions to be made. Decision-making can be the foundational stones in the pursuit of intimacy with my Higher Power. I struggle with life when I exercise my volition in a reactive dance with fear. Those moments then become fodder for the muddy earth where life is ground underfoot, and ruts grow deep. Is it possible that something out there gives a damn about me?

“I believe the universe wants to be noticed. I think the universe is improbably biased toward consciousness, that it rewards intelligence in part because the universe enjoys its elegance being observed. And who am I, living in the middle of history, to tell the universe that it – or my observation of it – is temporary?” ~ John Green, The Fault in Our Stars.

The GOMU (God of my understanding) seems to care much for those who reach out to connect. This God is often subtle though, wanting me to experience life and partake of it with my free will intact. God is a gentleman.

When I can stop long enough to involve GOMU in a decision, the process of walking it out is an examination of the most profound union I will experience, which is the one between the individual human and the Infinite Spirit. All my mortal relationships are an echo of this great Mystery.

From Courage to Change of February 20;

One of the first things I heard in Al-Anon was that we didn’t have to accept unacceptable behavior. This idea helped me to see that I need not tolerate violence or abuse, and that I had choices I hadn’t even recognized before. I set some limits, not to control others, but to offer myself guidelines so that I would know what was and was not acceptable and what to do  about it.

A few years later I was congratulating myself on how I no longer had such problems, when I suddenly realized that there was still one person from whom I regularly accepted unacceptable behavior –me! I was continually berating myself and blaming myself when things went wrong. I never gave myself credit for my efforts. I told myself I  was homely, thoughtless, lazy, stupid. I would never say those things to a friend. I realized that until I started  treating myself like a valued friend, I would be standing in the way of my own recovery.

Today’s Reminder

I  have been affected by a disease of attitudes. When I treat myself with love and  approval, I know that I am recovering.

“Let one therefore keep the mind pure, for what a man thinks, that he becomes.” – The Upanishads

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My faith in a Higher Power does a dance with faith in myself. I saw this connection when conducting my moral inventory and realized that most of my resentments were against myself and my God. I cannot build trust in the God of my understanding without likewise building a trust in me for myself. “To thine own self be true” means that I have to get to know me. The 12 Step program provides an opportunity to take myself out on dates and develop an understanding of who I am. That relationship deserves a protection in the boundaries I set. And just like another human being that I would date in pursuit of intimate connection, I must protect it from harsh, hurtful treatment.

I have a family member in the program who received this bit of advice that I think is appropriate here: “If you want self-esteem, do esteemable things.” I think one of those things worthy of esteem is how I choose to treat myself.

From Courage to Change of February 19;

When I wrote my Fourth Step inventory, I carried a notebook around with me day and night. I didn’t want to leave anything out. I discovered my first defect — obsession. I was still writing fifteen minutes before I shared my Fifth Step.

As I took this Step and read my words out loud, some of my patterns became clear for the first time. My behavior paralleled that of the alcoholic. The only difference was that I did it sober — insane, but sober. I saw how much I blamed other people for the events in my life, how I took everything personally, and how my reactions to the alcoholic were based on my fears.

I expected to feel differently the next day, but nothing much happened  except that I felt very tired and a little fragile. But change had begun. As time went by, when I found myself in situations similar to those I had described in my Fourth Step, I noticed that my reactions were less extreme. Some things that had bothered me terribly no longer mattered. That’s when I knew I’d begun to change.

Today’s Reminder

I am learning the “nature of my nature” through the Twelve Steps. I trust that I will uncover what I need to know for now, and leave the rest for another time. I am worth learning about.

“When we take Step Five . . . we demonstrate a willingness  to change.” . . . In All Our Affairs

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I have been through the 4th Step Moral Inventory three times with progressive insight and truthfulness. I have called my short-comings “cog worms” that lived in pockets of personal guilt. Their presence in my life seemed natural until I found myself spiritually bankrupt and out of power to face life. Out of power. Powerless. Angry. Thrashing about in convulsions of isolated self will.

At first I thought this program’s “obsession” with cleaning up my side of the street was unfair and a bit like religious self-castigation. The reality I have found is that identifying a failing in my life and being willing to change it is empowering. It is something that is connective between me and my Higher Power and with that network of fellow recoverynauts who are invested in the best version of my Self. I do not weep and wail about these identified areas of weakness – I have a practical approach in the 12 Steps to turn weakness into strength.

From Courage to Change of February 18;

Daily practice of the Al-Anon program is helping me to become more tolerant of other people. For example, when I take my own inventory and examine my motives, I recognize the same shortcomings I once eagerly pointed out in others. It is easier to accept the limitations of others when I acknowledge my own.

I see now that my thinking has often been distorted, my behavior inconsistent. If my perceptions of myself have been so inaccurate, how reliable can my perceptions of others be? I really don’t know what anyone else should think, feel, or do. Therefore, I can no longer justify intolerance.

Regular, dedicated practice of the principles of the program keeps me feeling good about myself. This permits me to be increasingly open-minded and considerate toward everyone in my life.

Today’s Reminder

Al-Anon meetings, fellowship, Steps, Traditions, and literature all help me to improve my ability to relate to others. I will renew my commitment to recovery today.

“An earnest and concentrated study of the Al-Anon program, in depth, will help us to become more tolerant, confident, and loving, teaching us to accept the faults of others as we seek to correct shortcomings in ourselves.” ~ The Dilemma of the Alcoholic Marriage

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The important lessons in truth and mercy have made appearances in my life, but the 12 Step program revealed these two gifts as something more than just a good idea. They are life-sustaining and enriching. When I was facing the harsh realities of alcoholism they were key to regaining my life.

There is a saying in AA that is quoted oft from Shakespeare; “To Thine Own Self be True.” Going back to Hamlet the full quote is actually “This above all: to thine own self be true. And it must follow, as the night the day. Thou canst not then be false to any man.” The fearless moral inventory of the 12 Steps allowed me to see the truth about me. Before I did this, my attempts at honesty with others were skewed by the falsities I truly believed of myself. Obtaining and maintaining truth in my life is an event of courage and a process of vigilance. This has been the case for me.

Armed with the truth about myself, I saw the need for mercy in my life. I had to have room to fall and get back up, to recover.  I obtained this by giving it to others. This does not mean that I abandon accountability and embrace enabling behavior. It means that I do not add the extra burden of harsh judgment that turns self-appraisal into morbid self-flagellation.

From Courage to Change of February 17;

My vision can be so limited. I often think that the only possible outcomes are those that I can imagine. Fortunately, my Higher Power is not restricted by such logic. In fact, some of the most wondrous events grow out of what appear to be disasters.

But faith takes practice. Fears can loom large, and I can get lost in my limited thinking. When I can’t see any way out and I doubt that even a Higher Power can help me, that’s when I most need to pray. When I do, my actions demonstrate my willingness to be helped. And time after time, the help I need is given to me.

Today I know that even when my situation looks bleak and I can’t see any way out, miracles can happen if I turn my will and my life over to God.

I have an important part to play in my relation-ship with my Higher Power–I have to be willing to receive help, and I have to ask for it. If I develop the habit of turning to my higher Power for help with small, everyday matters, I’ll know what to do when faced with more difficult challenges.

“In the hour of adversity be not without hope

For crystal rain falls from black clouds.”

~ Persian poem

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I am like most of my kind in that I desire to control my universe. Unlike others, it becomes an obsession for me that makes me vulnerable to despair when life happens beyond my ability to set it right. During the dark days when all I trusted crumbled beneath me, when betrayal replaced intimacy, when cash ransoms and casual visits replaced the respect and responsibilities of my home-building heart, and when finally the devotion of my faith became the mockery of my life and love – I wandered the Earth with no use for discussion of miracles. I had concluded that hope was a distraction and that divine intervention was only relevant when it happened. A miracle that could happen had become the ultimate tale of quantum physics, like Schrödinger’s cat.

Yet this life is not about God’s performance, but about our performance. Hope creates a nest for the prospect of a miracle and the justification for persistence in the face of failure. Fall down and get back up. Relapsed? Vomit out the poison and go after sober living again. Keep coming back. Don’t give up five minutes before the magic occurs. The intervention of my Higher Power is a crown given for my own dogged grasp of life. This life is a proving ground for me, not God. It is my union with the God of my understanding that extends my potency. It is not the existence of God but the intimacy with my GOMU that dictates the story of my life. I will not surrender to despair. Let the Watchers of the Universe ink their quills and record the story of my strength of heart. And yours too.