Endigar 782

From Courage to Change of February 19;

When I wrote my Fourth Step inventory, I carried a notebook around with me day and night. I didn’t want to leave anything out. I discovered my first defect — obsession. I was still writing fifteen minutes before I shared my Fifth Step.

As I took this Step and read my words out loud, some of my patterns became clear for the first time. My behavior paralleled that of the alcoholic. The only difference was that I did it sober — insane, but sober. I saw how much I blamed other people for the events in my life, how I took everything personally, and how my reactions to the alcoholic were based on my fears.

I expected to feel differently the next day, but nothing much happened  except that I felt very tired and a little fragile. But change had begun. As time went by, when I found myself in situations similar to those I had described in my Fourth Step, I noticed that my reactions were less extreme. Some things that had bothered me terribly no longer mattered. That’s when I knew I’d begun to change.

Today’s Reminder

I am learning the “nature of my nature” through the Twelve Steps. I trust that I will uncover what I need to know for now, and leave the rest for another time. I am worth learning about.

“When we take Step Five . . . we demonstrate a willingness  to change.” . . . In All Our Affairs

END OF QUOTE—————————————

I have been through the 4th Step Moral Inventory three times with progressive insight and truthfulness. I have called my short-comings “cog worms” that lived in pockets of personal guilt. Their presence in my life seemed natural until I found myself spiritually bankrupt and out of power to face life. Out of power. Powerless. Angry. Thrashing about in convulsions of isolated self will.

At first I thought this program’s “obsession” with cleaning up my side of the street was unfair and a bit like religious self-castigation. The reality I have found is that identifying a failing in my life and being willing to change it is empowering. It is something that is connective between me and my Higher Power and with that network of fellow recoverynauts who are invested in the best version of my Self. I do not weep and wail about these identified areas of weakness – I have a practical approach in the 12 Steps to turn weakness into strength.

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