Daily Reprieve

I have been approved for re-entry into the military!  This is a wonderful day in many ways.  It is the celebration of First Night, when the slave first knelt before Me.  We had a wonderful time together, and ate at IHOP.  My Father and I went out to celebrate at the Iguanana Grill, our favorite source for Mexican food.  I am stuffed and drained and happy.  In an hour I will meet with my sponsee, and then head off to a meeting.  Today, I love this life.  One day at a time, this day is what counts.

97

I dropped my daughter off.  My father has gone to sleep.  My slave is cryptically silent.  I have been to a meeting and talked with my sponsee.  And so that just leaves me.  What does it mean to be “restored to sanity,” as it says in the Second Step.  I was reading some material on this, and it defined insanity as prefering fantasy over reality.  The disconnect between the two comes when the world of fantasy is built upon self-deception.  The fantasy world has many advantages; I am always right, I am always justified, any infringement of my rule is a punishable offense, and the universe bends around my goals, and bows to my creativity.  The problem is that my world has a true population of only one, with some occasional tourists.  Reality is where I export my products to others, and interact.  But I isolate this fantasy world to protect me from dangerous criticism.  It is cold and lonely.   But the steps help build a connection to reality.  The problem with this thinking is that it puts me in a second-guessing frame of mind, and I just don’t need to stay there too long.  But I don’t want to die of isolation and lonliness because I cannot connect the inspiration of my fantasy with the work of my reality.  Balance, grasshopper, balance.

98

My beautiful young daughter came home yesterday.  I really love being with my children.  She said a few things that challenged my parental courage.  We talked intensely and then I spent some time with the Higher Power.  Parental fears are worse than any Saw movie, and can turn grown men into blithering apes.  Having a daughter as beautiful as mine and being a man well familiar with the impact of lust on the male psyche creates a playground for horror scenarios.  I spoke to her of vigilance and keeping her brain engaged and my spider senses tingling about a particular guy that she she likes as a friend only.  When I went to the meeting and connected with the recovery social mind once more, I could see past the fear, and see the strong and intelligent young lady who still loves her father, and is willing to listen. 

So she and I sat down and watched the movie “Jonathan Livingston Seagull” together.  I had been putting it off for fear that my hopes and expectations for the movie would be disappointed.  This is the same reason I have not been able to watch the newest Indiana Jones movie.  The very first one was a source of spiritual ecstasy, and this last one has a link to Edgar Cayce via the crystal skull phenomenon who was instrumental in re-opening me to the prospect of intuitive contact with my Higher Power.  Actually, I attempted to emulate his methods for my own personal meditation.

The Seagull movie was powerful.  No disappointment.  She wants to bring it home for her brother to see.  Today I was able to chose courage and inspiration over fear and repression working the principals of this program. 

I may take a risk on the Crystal Skull movie today.

99

I haven’t written a letter to my HP in a while.  A lot has happened.  I wrote one today, and posted as a page on this site.  It is password protected.  Email me at parboncreeb@yahoo.com if you want to know the password.  When those who know the password have accessed the document 27 times, I will remove the password.  In 100 days, I will remove the letter from this site.

The meeting was ok tonight.  They split us up and suggested the ones who had 30 days or less come into the back room.  It seemed to gut the meeting we were in, and from what I understand, the meeting in the backroom was great.  I did not really connect.  But I stayed emotionally up.  I am going to have to find a way to connect beyond just sharing in meetings.  Need to gain some intimacy.  I don’t mean the sexual sort.

I had a good meeting tonight.  We talked about the chapter in the Big Book entitled “To the Wives.”  It really is a difficult one to relate to.  It is from another culture when divorce just wasn’t as acceptable and advising women to hang in there was not seen as ludicrous.  I’m sure the tough love of Alanon would have a difficult time relating.  I remember talking with My slave about the earlier days of My disease when she attempted to attend an Alanon meeting.  The tough love message was totally out of touch with her situation.  We really needed a group that was dedicated to those in alternative lifestyles.  Ironically, she probably would have understood this chapter better than those it was originally written for.  Submission and sobriety are both treasures worthy of protection. 

For me, I saw the discussion of the progression of the disease and some insight into what to expect at its various stages. 

I accomplished many things today, small things.  Very tired.  I have a happiness mixed with anxiety.    Come on Army, let’s get this done.  Time to sleep, I guess.

I have updated “Explore 164.”  Possible rendezvous with the military tomorrow.  Didn’t go to a meeting.  But the time I spent with My sponsee last night was very beneficial for me.

I voted for McCain yesterday.  But I am not at all disappointed today.  I am proud of my country and of the history we continue to make.  I respect President-elect Obama for the campaign he ran.  He has played by the rules and not asked for special consideration for being black, been tested by some of the best political machines out there, and came through the crucible.  He came from the state of the “great emancipator,” and the design of a Higher Power cannot be honestly denied.  I have often feared the rise of black politicians, because of the human tendency to become what you hate.  I have seen some of them become the racist bigots that once dominated them.  Professional victims often morph into tyrants.  The word “racist” is the white man’s ‘n’ word and I am tired of it.  But Barak was raised by a white woman.  I don’t think he will see oppression merely because a person is white.  I have hope. 

My sponsee relapsed last night.  I remember the frustration of being blind-sided by the obsession.  Maybe we will be able to make some progress today.  I have hope.

Today I am sober and grateful.  I am grateful to be “just me.”

It was a good day in recovery.  A good meeting.  Sponsee moving forward.  Started the day attempting to close a circle, a goal I had for reciting my 3rd and 7th step prayers.  It took me over 60 times with repetitious reciting, but I achieved the goal.  My sponsor called and we had a good conversation.  We discoussed the need for humility to avoid following ideas without running them by others in recovery.  He encouraged me to hold my sponsee accountable for content of the meeting.  I was able to share at the meeting, and connected.  It was on reaching out.  Gave the history of how I got the name “Rick James…bitch.” 

I will get up early tomorrow and go vote.  And look for temp work while waiting on word from the military.   Start over, one day at a time.

I have lost track of my Higher Power.  The new week starts and the prospect that I will once again belong to the military causes Me some intense anxiety.  For some reason, I transform fear into depression.  I turn inward.  I become somewhat morose.  And my intuitive sensitivity is obscured.  I am going to see if I can convince myself to lie down and actually sleep.  I am going to look up that prayer having to do with fear and see if I can plant it in my brain before drifting off.  The prayers are basically encapsulated principals.  Anyway, I must shut it down.