Daily Reprieve

I just got finished watching the movie, “The Box.”  And it only seemed to reinforce everything I said in the previous post.  Some advanced alien race is standing in judgment over mankind, examining us.  These aliens are conducting tests that they are pretty sure we are going to fail to justify mass extermination of our species. 

We are a race that is continually facing death with vivid self-awareness.  There are so many humans around me who are dying and I will not shed one tear for them to honor the significance of their lives, because I do not know who they are.  This system of mass denial is how we cope with the limitations of our mortality.  I have two children who will die.  When I held those little infants in my arms, I did not look at them and think about their upcoming funerals.  No!  I imagined the fullness of their lives, and reveled in my love for them as though they where eternal.  But I have no empirical evidence that is true.  So I push those doubts far from me and embrace the systemic denial of my kind. 

Imagine if we were physically eternal beings with no aging, no sickness, permanently young and strong.  Then give us time to evolve in our awareness.  I think the prospect that we would push the button in the box would become obsolete.  Is it not possible that it is our powerlessness over death that breeds our short-comings and not the other way around.  We are all walking around with a gun to our heads, our lives ticking away.  Time is running out.  A small fortune can speed up our personal pursuits.  Such an opportunity means more to mortals.  The illusion that being good will give us special consideration before some angry, demanding old god or some pridefule alien race is absolutely repugnant. 

Who is more brave, the soldier who sacrifices his life for the well-being of his countrymen, not knowing what or if there is anything afterwards, or a god-man who allows his own execution, knowing that he will rise from the dead, and knows that at any time he could have called a host of angelic warriors to his side.  It is the mortal man who lacks the knowledge and fights on anyway who has the greater courage, in my opinion. 

I understand that you admire the writings of John Paul Sartre. Perhaps these words will comfort you. “There are two ways to enter the final chamber, free or not free. The choice is ours.” – Arlington Steward, The Box

Martin Teague: Sir? If you don’t mind my asking… why a box?
Arlington Steward: Your home is a box. Your car is a box on wheels. You drive to work in it. You drive home in it. You sit in your home, staring into a box. It erodes your soul, while the box that is your body inevitably withers… then dies. Where upon it is placed in the ultimate box, to slowly decompose.
Martin Teague: It’s quite depressing, if you think of it that way.
Arlington Steward: Don’t think of it that way… think of it as a temporary state of being.

I prefer this message from William Wallace’s dead father in Braveheart:

Malcolm Wallace: Your heart is free. Have the courage to follow it.

And screw those advanced patronizing aliens who expend their fantastic technology and warped morality to justify their cosmic sadism.

Change Me or kill Me.  But do not ignore Me. 

I am in this program to gain power, to be empowered.  I will finish the amends.  I will do this.  Me.  I will sponsor on a 4 x 3 or 3 x 4 matrix.  I will do this.  Me.   And then I am finished.

If I am behaving stupidly, teach Me. 

I am tired of cringing from judgment, afraid of who I will disappoint next.  Give me a faith that is faithful to Me!  I am either everything to You, or I am nothing.  Don’t love Me because that is what is in your nature to do.  That is insulting.  Love Me because You have something unique and special going on with Me.  I would rather that you be totally turned on by Me, or hunt Me down in hatred.  But if you are simply disinterested in Me, I will spew you out of My mouth like vinegar given to a dying man.

I want superhuman, supernatural, universe rippling power. 

I don’t think I or any mortal who seeks the same is asking too much.  We are tired of being the scapegoat for Your “issues.”

Why do you hide in the dark, oh God.  Come out into the open so that your deeds can be seen and rightly appraised.  Have a real relationship with us.  Or get it over with and blot out our existence.

My sponsor has asked me to give Him His seven-year token this afternoon.  I will do this.  Me.  Because I value Him and the special place He holds in My life. 

I have already walked the path of religion.  For Me, it is the way of socially re-enforced denial. 

If you come to My door and knock, I will ask You in.  If you come in the back window and lurk in the shadows like a thief in the night, I will seek to expel you as an intruder.  Can you blame Me?  Truly, can You?

Oh god, it’s already after 5pm.  Traffic.  Next meeting at 6 and a run after that.  I must get prepared for drill this weekend.  Camping out and using the night vision goggles.  My nephew gets married next week, so I will head south for that event.  A birthday celebration as apart of my amends.  I sure hope there is some validity to the tortoise and the hare story.

The amends went well.  I experienced magic along the journey, and the one event I dreaded the most turned out to be a very good reconnection.  My anger, resentment, hatred all melted away.  I know that I should be on a high after this has been accomplished.  I found myself initially very emotional with something that passes for happiness.  But underneath was a surreal world in which elements of the steadfast, a pillar of my existence, had been disintegrated.  Some of the furniture of my world has been carved out of the reality of this resentment.  With it gone, what is there to fill its place.  In a meeting this week, I said that void is what I am dependant on the Higher Power to fill. 

Anxiety builds as I move to accomplish the other 20 amends.  I find myself growing impatient.  I am wanting to argue again.  Slight altercation in the Bruno’s parking lot.  Obsessing over disagreements, hoping for confrontation.  I don’t want to scare the civilians, but…I don’t tend to trust love, or what gets tendered as such.  I find that I am in need for my connections in the lifestyle.  But I don’t want to lose this opportunity to get these amends behind me.  Self-control is so important for someone with my predispositions.  Suppression only increases the prospect of a future explosion.  I need a community where I can be me.  And the recovery community only partially answers that need.  It seems to be a yin-yang type of connection.  I can feel the internal clock ticking.  I have some time. 

“I have ceased fighting anything or anyone…”  Relax. Breath. Move forward.

I have 22 amends left from my trip through the steps.  I performed my last amends in January 2009.  July 2009 I was in jail for DUI.  I have since made a re-run on the steps and am left with these same 22 amends.  I am going to make a trip down to Florida this weekend and hope to set some things right, and to get my most horrendous amends completed.  My expectations are low for one in particular.  I grew up with him.  I have seen my hopes for his life replaced with the horror of what he has become.  My own love for him fuels a seething anger and hatred that I feel for few others on the face of this small planet.  If I could die and he would be saved, I would consider it.  It won’t happen.  I simply do not believe that he will ever change.  So all I can do is concentrate on my side of the street.  And there is plenty of my own dirt to deal with there.  This may be the last time I look on his face, if he even gives me that chance.  I will make the effort and leave the rest to the Higher Power to sort out.

Well, I’ve reached a new level of stuckism.  Which means that I have moved forward.  I am not in the old level.  You know, I never picked up my 18 month CA chip prior to last year’s relapse…just wasn’t interested anymore.  I guess that’s why.  January 2011 this time.  I’ll make damn sure I at least stay involved enough to remember to pick it up this time. 

Something has happened in me, and there are a lot of things that I just do not feel anymore, a lot of voices that used to cry out have gone silent.  And I have felt strangely alone, in a very different way.  I am not sure it is a negative.  Now I see this program as something to accomplish, and levels to graduate to.  I am not sure that is a positive.

I have asked my HP to remove a character flaw, a bad idea that causes my life to become unmanageable. 

THE BAD IDEA:  Failure is inevitable.  I will disappoint those who stay in a relationship with me.

THE UGLY TWIN SISTER OF THIS IDEA:  If I fail the only honorable course is death.

The resulting behavior is paralysis, procrastination, anxious over-planning, until I get to the last moment of a deadline, and then I rush in a panic as if there is a gun to my head.  By then it is usually too late, and a self-fulfilling prophesy gains credibility.

I am sick of talking about this for now.  But I will say that I found what I believe to be the mother of both of these:

MOTHER OF BAD IDEAS:  God is not interested in me as an individual, is only interested in controlling me.  He resists my individual expression, conspires to break me.  He is totally apathetic toward me, but desires to empower His purpose through me.  I feel like His presence is a rape of my soul, and that this amuses Him. 

In response, I have yet another BAD IDEA:  The belly up manipulator.  So I not only have problems trusting the HP, but I have problems trusting my own mind and motives.  Am I addressing a real issue or am I just manufacturing something to manipulate individuals into some form of protective alliance?

One by-pass that I have is to trust in a female Higher Power.  Primarily because these bad ideas were built around the premise of a masculine diety.  But I know that is a band-aid.  She has been helpful though.

I have heard that the program is not going to really work unless you have a complete surrender to the HP, not just a cease-fire.  From a military point of view, that sounds more like I am dealing with an enemy, not someone I want to trust my life to.  Someone I want to escape given the first opportunity.

I have not found a mention of surrender in the first 164 pages of the BB and I suspect a religious hijack in making that a big deal.  The 12 and 12 talks about taking our concept of God in piece-mill.    But I desire the intervention of a HP to overcome and eliminate these bad ideas, like It did with my drinking.  And I am afraid that it is not going to work for me, that I will become what I hate…a professional victim, because (whine, sniffle) failure is inevitable.

I was recently tasked by my sponsor to look for the root cause of my fear fever when approaching my military Physical Training test.  I came up with irrational statements of self-loathing that I could not find a reason for.  But then I was listening to an audio book, a fictional novel about a serial killer.  The book was called “The Bride Collector” by Ted Dekker.  Toward the end, as the detective faces the killer, he realizes something about himself.  He loved himself, and that this self-love had prevented him from being able to intimately love anyone else.  This resonated with me.  But hadn’t I expressed self-hatred?  How cold both love and hate exist together?  Then it occurred to me, that when love creates expectations, and those expectations become central, and they are crushed, I could see the passion of love giving way to the fires of hatred.  Does this not explain the cyclic nature of my discipline, my emotions, the roller coaster ride between isolated obsession and judgmental depression?  As hatred cools down into loathing, I am relieved that the unrealistic standard I have of myself has passed.  And as the loathing regresses, I give myself some introspective time to see “what went wrong.”  I begin to enjoy reviewing my dreams and once again look for a way to manifest my internal reality into the interactive one.  As I obsess, I fall in love with me again.  But life keeps interrupting my time with me.  And I cling to my expectations of me, build a standard that will be above reproach, invincible to invasion, impossible to misunderstand, and universally accepted.  This standard becomes an icon I can never truly fulfill.  I fail me, again.  I hate me.  And I hate this life.

By the way, the last statements do not reflect my current state of mind.  I am just following the cycle around.  Notice the arrows circling the core of my being in a clockwise direction?  That represents the propulsion of my will.  And this chart reflects my understanding of self-will, that there is bad self-will, which is the product of fear, and tends to isolate and cut-off.  Then there is good self-will that pushed me to pursue sobriety in the first place.  I wanted to live and was willing to do whatever I had to secure that end.  I would not be breathing without a good dose of this self-preservation.

“Do you have a sponsor?? I see a disconnect with the principles of the program and your conclusions and judgements. Right with you about the sharing of experience, strength and hope found in (nearly) every meeting.” ~ gangagirl

Yes, I have a sponsor.  And no I probably won’t ever parrot the party line.  But I wish I knew specifically what you are talking about here.  Which principles of the program do you speak of?  What conclusions and judgements?  This comment was made on my “43 things” web posting where I had, at that time, a goal to read the Big Book.  I accomplished that and that site wants you to tell “How did you do it” for others who may share that goal.  I simply ran a cut/paste from AA literature.  So I assumed that gangagirl had seen my actual thoughts concerning recovery here.  Otherwise, she was responding to the disconnect of AA literature to the principles of its program.

Ganga Girl, if you read this, please comment.

It does bring me to last night’s topic in the meeting on Balance.  In the context of our discussion on recovery, balance was finding the best answer to the question, “How much of my self, my time do I invest in recovery related activities?”  This question becomes even more critical when the disease is in remission, and you don’t feel the loaded gun of relapse placed against your skull.  Participation becomes more about keeping the sanity of sobriety rather than surviving the onslaught of obsession.  The urgency of the moment has evaporated and you step outside to smell the fresh air of a new freedom.

Yet I have heard many of us who have had long term sobriety talk about the “slippery slope,” the stealth of our disease to silently creep back in and the mindset that opens the door inch by inch to the possibility of eating dinner with our demon.  We forget that we are the dinner. 

I have heard something like this before.  “Seek ye first the kingdom of God, and all these things shall be added to you.”  I have heard talk of the slippery slope and the frog in boiling water when I was a traditional Christian. 

It seems to be that regardless of what my spiritual pursuit is, if my desire for it to free me of my personal demons, and empower me to live life, then “Seek ye first” seems to be the only real answer to Balance.  Then I am dependant on the magic brewing in my own particular cauldron of the 12 steps to add “all these things,” the other stuff that I need in my life.

The truth is that has not been the case for me.  Or maybe I just haven’t given it a good chance.  When I attempt to have a single-minded focus on the program, it feels like other very important areas suffer from neglect. 

I think maybe I have this too compartmentalized.  When I was drinking, it was a primary activity in my life that touched all other activities with its power.  From waking up to going to bed, my drinking was being called on to help me live life.  I don’t know.  This comparison fails, because my drinking turned on me when it consumed every aspect of my life and caused me to neglect people and pursuits that I valued.   Isn’t that the nature of obsession?  It consumes completely.  And isn’t balance a concept we use to avoid this destructive process?

Is recovery trading one obsession for another?

It is time for me to go to work.  And I haven’t found a neat package to place this in.  Damn!  That other stuff needs my presence as well.  But I love my job.  So off I go.

There is going to come a time, if you live long enough, when you are going to see a father grieving for his broken or mutilated daughter on a Monday after that family spent the day in church, paying tithes, caring for the poor, and praising their God. 

At that time, you will KNOW that God is a mean, ugly, Monster.  At that point, if you are truthful and refuse to close your eyes in a religious stupor, then you will either self-destruct because life’s terms ARE unacceptable,  or you will decide to become a better person than the God we know in this reality.

The cruelty that we play out with one another is often what we have learned from that all-powerful, all-knowing, Meglomaniac. 

Today, I am able to accept my relationship and dependance on the great What-ever, because I value myself.  The fact that I choose to love or be loved by such a Being speaks more for me than for the Higher Power. 

Can you love the great Cruel Bastard, and know that somehow, accepting the fact that God has issues, gives you the freedom to rise above it all. 

Maybe in some other context all this will make sense.  But right now, accepting life on life’s terms includes embracing a Higher Power that will do or allow (omnipotent allowances are the same as doing) horrible things in my life.

Spirituality takes a little bit of masochism to be successful. 

So my attempts to rise above god and religion, to find a truly spiritual path, will be defined by the following five words:

SIMPLE

POSITIVE

CERTAIN

FREE

FUN

We’ll see how this works.

I am truly grateful to have nine months again.  It is magical.  The colors of the elements are purple and green, AA & CA combined.  And I have decided that I am going to appreciate the fact that I get to be with fellow soldiers this weekend, and quit putting on armour today to face the shadow dragons of tomorrow.  If I make a habit out of hating myself and my life, I cannot help but to hurt those who draw close to me.  If I fear and prepare for evil with each waking breath, that is all I will draw to myself.  I don’t want to live that way.  Great Power, help me to be Simple, Positive, Fun, Free; but most of all, help me to be Certain of my own value.