Endigar 265

The amends went well.  I experienced magic along the journey, and the one event I dreaded the most turned out to be a very good reconnection.  My anger, resentment, hatred all melted away.  I know that I should be on a high after this has been accomplished.  I found myself initially very emotional with something that passes for happiness.  But underneath was a surreal world in which elements of the steadfast, a pillar of my existence, had been disintegrated.  Some of the furniture of my world has been carved out of the reality of this resentment.  With it gone, what is there to fill its place.  In a meeting this week, I said that void is what I am dependant on the Higher Power to fill. 

Anxiety builds as I move to accomplish the other 20 amends.  I find myself growing impatient.  I am wanting to argue again.  Slight altercation in the Bruno’s parking lot.  Obsessing over disagreements, hoping for confrontation.  I don’t want to scare the civilians, but…I don’t tend to trust love, or what gets tendered as such.  I find that I am in need for my connections in the lifestyle.  But I don’t want to lose this opportunity to get these amends behind me.  Self-control is so important for someone with my predispositions.  Suppression only increases the prospect of a future explosion.  I need a community where I can be me.  And the recovery community only partially answers that need.  It seems to be a yin-yang type of connection.  I can feel the internal clock ticking.  I have some time. 

“I have ceased fighting anything or anyone…”  Relax. Breath. Move forward.

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