Endigar 257

I found this gem in the Magic City Moments and sought permission from the author to publish it here.  I have not been able to get in touch with her, so I went ahead published it since she already has it out there in the public domain.  Ami, wherever you are, I sincerely hope the very best for you:

Hi, I’m Ami
by Ami H.

Hi, I’m Ami.
The smile you see, it really isn’t me.
It’s all a facade – a mask to hide 32 years of misery.
It’s the way I was raised – a way of life
‘Baby girl, hold that head up high.’
Don’t let them know your business and
Never, never let them see you cry.
I learned to run that game way too well
No one ever knowing of my inner hell
Addiction is in my family tree
And boy, do we have a history!
As a child, never staying in one place for very long,
Never having a house we called home.
Having to sleep on strangers’ floors
I wonder what happened to the drug dealer that kicked in the door.
I’m now 16 and I over achieve
Always wanting people to notice and be proud of me.
I have a job and make straight A’s
A couple of colleges already have my name.
No one could believe teenage pregnancy
Leaving high school behind because now I have to work full-time.
I have a little girl all my own and a cute little place to finally call home.
At 21 no time for fun!
I’m going through a divorce and working 80 hours a week.
Taking college classes
Never missing Haylie’s gymnastics and cheerleading practice
Some days forgetting to eat and what is sleep!
My little girl has things that I only dreamed…
…stability and a ‘happy’ mommy
Staying too busy to frown even when my world was crashing down.
It’s the way I was raised – a way of life
‘Baby girl, hold that head up high’
Don’t let them know your business
And never, never let them see you cry
I didn’t show any fear and no tears were shed
When my little brother was on a coke high and put a gun to my head
Or when they found my favorite cousin in a hotel bathtub dead
Not even the night, the other put a shotgun in his mouth and pulled the trigger in his bed
Always being told that it’s just the way our family cards were dealt
No one ever knowing how I truly felt
I’m 26 and have met the man of my dreams…Prince Charming
I didn’t realize he was sick,
Now I am getting my ass kicked
Closing my eyes and praying for death
Because I felt I had nothing left
It is the way I was raised – a way of life
Baby girl, hold that head up high
Don’t let them know your business and
Never, never let them see you cry
I’m 29 – four PIs, three DUIs – all within two years time
Every mug shot I had bruises and black eyes
I still didn’t know I was unhealthy
Always saying ‘I’m nothing like my family’
Convincing myself I wasn’t an addict because alcohol is my D.O.C.
It was only a matter of time before that history caught up with me
Almost three years in treatment and I have kicked and screamed and resisted
But somewhere I picked up that it is okay to feel and I am here for a reason
I realized that I’m tired of running…fighting…hiding.
Despite the way I was raised – I am learning a new way of life
Making amends – paying for past sins
Learning forgiveness and letting go of resentments
Some days I feel the tears will never end,
But I know it’s okay because it is time to heal
It is part of filling my empty soul and mending my broken heart
Now I can hold my head up high
And look at you without guilt or shame in my eyes
I had to tear down the walls – built so strong and tall
I let people in and actually have a couple of true friends
Learning a new way of life is scary
But not nearly as terrifying as dying without living
Today, the smile you see – it’s me
It’s really, really me
Hi, I’m Ami

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