Endigar 261

“Do you have a sponsor?? I see a disconnect with the principles of the program and your conclusions and judgements. Right with you about the sharing of experience, strength and hope found in (nearly) every meeting.” ~ gangagirl

Yes, I have a sponsor.  And no I probably won’t ever parrot the party line.  But I wish I knew specifically what you are talking about here.  Which principles of the program do you speak of?  What conclusions and judgements?  This comment was made on my “43 things” web posting where I had, at that time, a goal to read the Big Book.  I accomplished that and that site wants you to tell “How did you do it” for others who may share that goal.  I simply ran a cut/paste from AA literature.  So I assumed that gangagirl had seen my actual thoughts concerning recovery here.  Otherwise, she was responding to the disconnect of AA literature to the principles of its program.

Ganga Girl, if you read this, please comment.

It does bring me to last night’s topic in the meeting on Balance.  In the context of our discussion on recovery, balance was finding the best answer to the question, “How much of my self, my time do I invest in recovery related activities?”  This question becomes even more critical when the disease is in remission, and you don’t feel the loaded gun of relapse placed against your skull.  Participation becomes more about keeping the sanity of sobriety rather than surviving the onslaught of obsession.  The urgency of the moment has evaporated and you step outside to smell the fresh air of a new freedom.

Yet I have heard many of us who have had long term sobriety talk about the “slippery slope,” the stealth of our disease to silently creep back in and the mindset that opens the door inch by inch to the possibility of eating dinner with our demon.  We forget that we are the dinner. 

I have heard something like this before.  “Seek ye first the kingdom of God, and all these things shall be added to you.”  I have heard talk of the slippery slope and the frog in boiling water when I was a traditional Christian. 

It seems to be that regardless of what my spiritual pursuit is, if my desire for it to free me of my personal demons, and empower me to live life, then “Seek ye first” seems to be the only real answer to Balance.  Then I am dependant on the magic brewing in my own particular cauldron of the 12 steps to add “all these things,” the other stuff that I need in my life.

The truth is that has not been the case for me.  Or maybe I just haven’t given it a good chance.  When I attempt to have a single-minded focus on the program, it feels like other very important areas suffer from neglect. 

I think maybe I have this too compartmentalized.  When I was drinking, it was a primary activity in my life that touched all other activities with its power.  From waking up to going to bed, my drinking was being called on to help me live life.  I don’t know.  This comparison fails, because my drinking turned on me when it consumed every aspect of my life and caused me to neglect people and pursuits that I valued.   Isn’t that the nature of obsession?  It consumes completely.  And isn’t balance a concept we use to avoid this destructive process?

Is recovery trading one obsession for another?

It is time for me to go to work.  And I haven’t found a neat package to place this in.  Damn!  That other stuff needs my presence as well.  But I love my job.  So off I go.

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