Endigar 263

Well, I’ve reached a new level of stuckism.  Which means that I have moved forward.  I am not in the old level.  You know, I never picked up my 18 month CA chip prior to last year’s relapse…just wasn’t interested anymore.  I guess that’s why.  January 2011 this time.  I’ll make damn sure I at least stay involved enough to remember to pick it up this time. 

Something has happened in me, and there are a lot of things that I just do not feel anymore, a lot of voices that used to cry out have gone silent.  And I have felt strangely alone, in a very different way.  I am not sure it is a negative.  Now I see this program as something to accomplish, and levels to graduate to.  I am not sure that is a positive.

I have asked my HP to remove a character flaw, a bad idea that causes my life to become unmanageable. 

THE BAD IDEA:  Failure is inevitable.  I will disappoint those who stay in a relationship with me.

THE UGLY TWIN SISTER OF THIS IDEA:  If I fail the only honorable course is death.

The resulting behavior is paralysis, procrastination, anxious over-planning, until I get to the last moment of a deadline, and then I rush in a panic as if there is a gun to my head.  By then it is usually too late, and a self-fulfilling prophesy gains credibility.

I am sick of talking about this for now.  But I will say that I found what I believe to be the mother of both of these:

MOTHER OF BAD IDEAS:  God is not interested in me as an individual, is only interested in controlling me.  He resists my individual expression, conspires to break me.  He is totally apathetic toward me, but desires to empower His purpose through me.  I feel like His presence is a rape of my soul, and that this amuses Him. 

In response, I have yet another BAD IDEA:  The belly up manipulator.  So I not only have problems trusting the HP, but I have problems trusting my own mind and motives.  Am I addressing a real issue or am I just manufacturing something to manipulate individuals into some form of protective alliance?

One by-pass that I have is to trust in a female Higher Power.  Primarily because these bad ideas were built around the premise of a masculine diety.  But I know that is a band-aid.  She has been helpful though.

I have heard that the program is not going to really work unless you have a complete surrender to the HP, not just a cease-fire.  From a military point of view, that sounds more like I am dealing with an enemy, not someone I want to trust my life to.  Someone I want to escape given the first opportunity.

I have not found a mention of surrender in the first 164 pages of the BB and I suspect a religious hijack in making that a big deal.  The 12 and 12 talks about taking our concept of God in piece-mill.    But I desire the intervention of a HP to overcome and eliminate these bad ideas, like It did with my drinking.  And I am afraid that it is not going to work for me, that I will become what I hate…a professional victim, because (whine, sniffle) failure is inevitable.

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