Daily Reprieve

From Daily Reflections of September 26;

The alcoholic may find it hard to re-establish friendly relations with his children. . . . In time they will see that he is a new man and in their own way they will let him know it. . . . From that point on, progress will be rapid.  Marvelous results often follow such a reunion.   (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 134)

While on the road to recovery I received a gift that could not be purchased. It was a card from my son in college, saying, “Dad, you can’t imagine how glad I am that everything is okay. Happy Birthday, I love you.” My son had told me that he loved me before. It had been during the previous Christmas holidays, when he had said to me, while crying, “Dad, I love you! Can’t you see what you’re doing to yourself?” I couldn’t. Choked with emotion, I had cried, but this time, when I received my son’s card, my tears were tears of joy, not desperation.

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This has become a painful area for me.  I lost a stepson to this disease, and my other son is not communicating with me because of my disease.  He is in his own world of pain.  I am responsible for some of it.  This is out of my hands, and there is nothing I would like more to be under my control because the relationship is so very significant.  My isolated self ego sees injustice and does not want to succeed on someone else’s terms, not even someone I love.  My righteous indignation is a call for emotional suicide.

I will not get or stay sober because anyone I love wants me to.  So, what will I do then?  What will those like me do?  I am so tired of hospital visits and brushes with the law for chemically induced stupidity.  I am tired of my ambitions leaving me spiritually bankrupt.

There is a solution.  I believe that.  I will keep coming back.  If I fall seven times, I will get up eight.  I have experienced recovery in bits and pieces.  And maybe I can have a good story of restored relationships, as is recorded here.  My first restored relationship must be with my God.

——– Upadte (September 2021) ———-

I now have what I consider to be open and genuine relationships with both my son and daughter. Both have affirmed my positive contributions to their lives. I am beyond grateful.

From Daily Reflections of September 25;

Some of us have taken very hard knocks to learn this truth: Job or no job – wife or no wife – we simply do not stop drinking so long as we place dependence upon other people ahead of dependence on God.   (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 98)

Before coming to A.A., I always had excuses for taking a drink: “She said . . . ,” “He said . . . ,” “I got fired yesterday,” “I got a great job today.” No area of my life could be good if I drank again. In sobriety my life gets better each day. I must always remember not to drink, to trust God, and to stay active in A.A. Am I putting anything before my sobriety, God, and A.A. today?

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I woke up this morning with a worried mind that was intent on rehearsing possible strategies and outcomes.  I knew this did not qualify as serenity.  I remembered that God is in charge of the results.  I have been created to take on tasks.  I turned toward meditation with a simple question; what are the tasks that are assigned to me for this day?  My head became clear and I began the ongoing process of releasing and trusting the results to my GOMU (God of my understanding).

In the past, my mind would have been fully involved in the worries I had chosen to entertain for the day.  This would lead me to seek comfort in relationships and escapes and obsessions and distractions and . . .in the end, I would not have been very effective at living.  When I chose this way of living, the lamentations and excuses flow.  I am glad I know I have choice today.

From Daily Reflections of September 24;

We have seen the truth demonstrated again and again: “Once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic.” Commencing to drink after a period of sobriety, we are in a short time as bad as ever.  If we are planning to stop drinking, there must be no reservation of any kind, nor any lurking notion that someday we will be immune to alcohol.   (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 33)

Today I am an alcoholic. Tomorrow will be no different. My alcoholism lives within me now and forever. I must never forget what I am. Alcohol will surely kill me if I fail to recognize and acknowledge my disease on a daily basis. I am not playing a game in which a loss is a temporary setback. I am dealing with my disease, for which there is no cure, only daily acceptance and vigilance.

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Drinking alcohol as a desirable way of life will always haunt me.  There are a thousand different ways I can find to justify  it and overcome all sane objections.  To drink again is inevitable unless something happens.  What is that something?  Why do some of us get it, and others, such as myself, fall prey to that familiar seduction over and over again?  I want to support the twelve steps and the recovery network, for through these I have walked through many meadows of sobriety.  My life is improved.  According to most optimistic life expectancy stats, I have maybe a little more than thirty years to live.  My vigilance is a temporary tour of duty.  I have certain highs and lows I will have to endure during that time.  I can ill afford extreme reactions.  I must keep true to acceptance and serenity based on trust and connection.  I am returning to my post.  Thirty more years one day at a time.

From Daily Reflections of September 23;

He [Bill W.] said to me, gently and simply, “Do you think that you are one of us?”   (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 413, Third Edition)

During my drinking life I was convinced I was an exception. I thought I was beyond petty requirements and had the right to be excused. I never realized that the dark counterbalance of my attitude was the constant feeling that I did not “belong.” At first, in A.A., I identified with others only as an alcoholic. What a wonderful awakening for me it has been to realize that, if human beings were doing the best they could, then so was I! All of the pains, confusions and joys they feel are not exceptional, but part of my life, just as much as anybody’s.

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I have never had this awakening.  I do see it though.  I really want to belong and be part of the group.  I am so very odd.  I love it when I connect.  This fellowship has given me that opportunity like none other.

From Daily Reflections of September 22;

Like a gaunt prospector, belt drawn in over the last ounce of food, our pick struck gold.  Joy at our release from a lifetime of frustration knew no bounds.  Father feels he has struck something better than gold.  For a time he may try to hug the new treasure to himself.  He may not see at once that he has barely scratched a limitless lode which will pay dividends only if he mines it for the rest of his life and insists on giving away the entire product.   (Alcoholics Anonymous, pages 128-129)

When I talk with a newcomer to A.A., my past looks me straight in the face. I see the pain in those hopeful eyes, I extend my hand, and then the miracle happens: I become healed. My problems vanish as I reach out to this trembling soul.

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I do not relate to the prospector story.  I am grateful for my sobriety, but my lifetime of frustration was the result of high levels of social anxiety, of religious promises unfulfilled, of self loathing for not achieving, of hurt for giving and loving and losing so much.  These are things I experienced in abstinence of alcohol.  In fact, I was grateful to finally have a problem that had a name and a viable solution and a group that I could suffer with.  The alcoholic tendency made periodic visits in my earlier life, but it left its pamphlets like Jehovah Witnesses and did not stay.  Most of my spiritual life has been that of a sad monk, with brief respite through the smiling faces of my children.  I fear that my complexities and my inconsistencies would not be helpful to newcomers.

I do not feel very good inside.   I have tried to wait to write when I get to the other side of this yuck.  Yet I fear too long away and I might not return.  Forgive me.  This too shall pass.

From the Daily Reflections of September 21;

We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.   (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 84)

The last Promise in the Big Book came true for me on the very first day of sobriety. God kept me sober that day, and on every other day I allowed Him to operate in my life. He gives me the strength, courage and guidance to meet my responsibilities in life so that I am then able to reach out and help others stay sober and grow. He manifests within me, making me a channel of His word, thought and deed. He works with my inner self, while I produce in the outer world, for He will not do for me what I can do for myself. I must be willing to do His work, so that He can function through me successfully.

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Where do I end?  Where does God begin?  If I exterminate my life, the Infinite Lover of the Universe cannot work through me.  If I become a lifeless zombie, disengaging intellect and passion, I am still rather useless to GOMU (God of my understanding).  I believe my Higher Power is in charge of the RESULTS of my life.  I believe the Goddess Lover of My Soul makes me a Demigod, a God Embryo, a Child of God, and that I am responsible for TASKS based on the daily visions and communications I receive through prayer and meditation, and the guidance I get through my support network – other humans I see that have my best interest at heart.  God moves mountains by amplifying the shovel I bring to the process.  And it must be a mountain that God wanted moved.  I have discovered that usually, God’s will and my ultimate desires do not conflict.  It is only the will I produce in fearful isolation that challenges Gomu’s (God of my understanding) leadership in my life.

IMAGE SOURCE:  Steven Puetzer Photography

From Daily Reflections of September 20;

From Daily Reflections 19 September;

We admitted we couldn’t lick alcohol with our own remaining resources, and so we accepted the further fact that dependence upon a Higher Power (if only our A.A. group) could do this hitherto impossible job. The moment we were able to accept these facts fully, our release from the alcohol compulsion had begun.   (As Bill Sees It, page 109)

Freedom came to me only with my acceptance that I could turn my will and my life over to the care of my Higher Power, whom I call God. Serenity seeped into the chaos of my life when I accepted that what I was going through was life, and that God would help me through my difficulties – and much more, as well. Since then He has helped me through all of my difficulties! When I accept situations as they are, not as I wish them to be, then I can begin to grow and have serenity and peace of mind.

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I responded to the chaos storms of my life by installing an internal panic button in my psyche.  Any indication, any overhead shadow, could cause me to sound the internal alarm.  The other boot of an angry, cruel God of the human cockroach was about to drop.  If good things happened, I knew I should not let down my guard, for life was just softening me up so that the inevitable tragedies would have greater impact.  If things were going badly it was probably going to get worse, until the ruling Death-god got bored with me.  Until I realized that this cruel Deity was my own reflection empowered by self-loathing, I could not find Gomu (God of my Understanding), the loving God I could trust enough to remove the panic button and accept life on life’s terms.

PICTURE SOURCE:  Abby Kroke Photography – “Monster in the Mirror”

From Daily Reflections 18 September;

Our whole treasured philosophy of self-sufficiency had to be cast aside. This had not been done with old-fashioned willpower; it was instead a matter of developing the willingness to accept these new facts of living. We neither ran nor fought. But accept we did. And then we were free.   (Best of the Grapevine, Vol. I, page 198)

I can be free of my old enslaving self. After a while I recognize, and believe in, the good within myself. I see that I have been loved back to recovery by my Higher Power, who envelops me. My Higher Power becomes that source of love and strength that is performing a continuing miracle in me. I am sober . . . and I am grateful.

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When I hear that a person learned to give up “self-sufficiency,”  I imagine a human being that has had his bones liquefied and extracted, while the resulting jelly fish man is held on life-support in a spiritual hospital of some sort.  Flopping about in his state of permanent repose he spouts off about acceptance.  This vision was not helpful for my own recovery.

So I studied and realized the Big Book is pointing out the damning effects of isolated selfishness and not counseling us to be rid of the self-preservation  that helped us walk in the rooms of recovery.  The treasured philosophy that I am cursed with is isolated self-sufficiency.  This is the old enslaver of my soul, cutting me off from my life giving Source.

Over time, my self-preservation would be nursed into self-appreciation when I see that there is good in me.  One day at a time, self-appreciation manifested in the freedom of self-love.  This transformation comes from being able to connect to others that have mine and their own best interest at heart, and by connecting with the Infinite One, the God of my Understanding (Gomu).   In nature, the Lone Wolf is a miserable and desperate creature.

“For the strength of the pack is the wolf, and the strength of the wolf is the pack.”  ~ The Law for the Wolves by Rudyard Kipling.

From Today’s Daily Reflections;

When, with God’s help, we calmly accepted our lot, then we found we could live at peace with ourselves and show others who still suffered the same fears that they could get over them, too. We found that freedom from fear was more important than freedom from want.   (Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, page 122)

Material values ruled my life for many years during my active alcoholism. I believed that all of my possessions would make me happy, yet I still felt bankrupt after I obtained them. When I first came into A.A., I found out about a new way of living. As a result of learning to trust others, I began to believe in a power greater than myself. Having faith freed me from the bondage of self. As material gains were replaced by the gifts of the spirit, my life became manageable. I then chose to share my experiences with other alcoholics.

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I am beginning to experience this freedom from fear and anxiety.  It is a slow adjustment, but it is happening.  In the past I desired power and position and kept looking in my isolated mind for the ability to rule.  I wanted to be the God of the Results of my life.  Material possessions have never been of interest to me.  It was always about power.  When I tried to master the results of life, I kept discovering layer upon layer of powerlessness.

“This is the how and why of it.  First of all, we had to quit playing God.  It didn’t work.  Next we decided . . . ” (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 62)

. . .  that God would be in charge of the Results of Life.  I would be the Demigod of Tasks.  My only concern is to perform the tasks revealed to me by Gomu (God of my understanding).

Demigods are sired into human flesh by Deity.

“He is the Father, and we are His children.  Most good ideas are simple, and this concept was the keystone of the new and triumphant arch through which we passed to freedom.”

When I publish this article today, I will have performed a task as a recovery Demigod and I know that Gomu – the Infinite God of the Results – will take it from there.  What an amazing relief it is when I truly believe that.