Endigar 553 ~ A “Limitless Lode”

From Daily Reflections of September 22;

Like a gaunt prospector, belt drawn in over the last ounce of food, our pick struck gold.  Joy at our release from a lifetime of frustration knew no bounds.  Father feels he has struck something better than gold.  For a time he may try to hug the new treasure to himself.  He may not see at once that he has barely scratched a limitless lode which will pay dividends only if he mines it for the rest of his life and insists on giving away the entire product.   (Alcoholics Anonymous, pages 128-129)

When I talk with a newcomer to A.A., my past looks me straight in the face. I see the pain in those hopeful eyes, I extend my hand, and then the miracle happens: I become healed. My problems vanish as I reach out to this trembling soul.

END OF QUOTE

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I do not relate to the prospector story.  I am grateful for my sobriety, but my lifetime of frustration was the result of high levels of social anxiety, of religious promises unfulfilled, of self loathing for not achieving, of hurt for giving and loving and losing so much.  These are things I experienced in abstinence of alcohol.  In fact, I was grateful to finally have a problem that had a name and a viable solution and a group that I could suffer with.  The alcoholic tendency made periodic visits in my earlier life, but it left its pamphlets like Jehovah Witnesses and did not stay.  Most of my spiritual life has been that of a sad monk, with brief respite through the smiling faces of my children.  I fear that my complexities and my inconsistencies would not be helpful to newcomers.

I do not feel very good inside.   I have tried to wait to write when I get to the other side of this yuck.  Yet I fear too long away and I might not return.  Forgive me.  This too shall pass.

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