Daily Reprieve

Question 11:  Have you developed the ability to intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle you?

I would have to say absolutely YES.  I feel like I have stepped over the intuitive obstacles of religion and fear, the primary voices of my lower power.

My slave said that I am starting to sound like a preacher.  yikes!  I have had people assume that I am a preacher because I was ordained for a short time in a store front church.  That was a galaxy far, far away.

The recovery program did not give me a Higher Power, it gave me the freedom to seek and the imperative to find.  That is apparently all I needed.  The doctrinal baggage nearly killed me.  My Higher Power is not definable in my current state of existence, I do not believe.  I am at peace with that fact, and I am also at peace with the fact that this entity doesn’t give a dam about how I reach out, just the fact that I do.  He-She-It cares about me.  That’s all I need to live and to receive intuitive guidance.  I could be Jewish, Muslim, Christian, Atheist, Wiccan, Pagan, or some individualistic blend that helps me to be comfortable in my own skin.  There is no more “Us and Them” for me.  If you want to be the best You there is, there is a force in the universe that shouts AMEN to that desire. 

That is what I have found, and what has kept me sober this past year, and resurrected my spiritual life that died in the year of fuck-it, 2003.  I am a deeply grateful heretic.

Are you about finished with those questions?  Good grief.

Just a few more.  Here is the next one:

10.  Has the fear of economic insecurity left you?

No, not completely.  I know this is a trust issue with my Higher Power and I am actively working on this.  I received a promise tonight through an intuitive journal.  My one year tag is going to be a prosperity guarantee.  I know, that could be a misread on my part and if you hear God promise to move a mountain, make sure to bring a shovel.  I know this.  But when I can trust HP on this, the fear leaves me.  I actually look forward to testing the reality of this promise.  Ultimately, serenity must not be dependant on outer circumstances.  But I think serenity, this trust in the magic of the universe, does have an impact on the physical environment.  Whatever is happening on the inside gets reflected on the outside.  Such is my hope. 

I went to my first Al Anon meeting tonight, with Sponsee One.  The speaker was someone I had just made amends to.  I think I need to take advantage of that.  He has invited me to a men’s only Al Anon meeting nearby.  Maybe so.

Next question;

9.  Has the fear of people left you?

It’s intensity has decreased.  During my drinking, I can remember having difficulty getting outside of the apartment.  I have always had difficulty connecting with others, but when I began to nurture my pathological relationship with alcohol, familiarity and closeness with others brought accountability I did not desire.  But, through the program, I have been able to connect with others in a way I never have.  I would say that it is even closer than the camaraderie I felt from being in the military, because there is no overwhelming sense of being judged.  I am understood on some very basic levels.

The fear of people has left me, most of the time.  Being annoyed with people is something I am still working on.  Progress prior to perfection, I guess.

I don’t know why I don’t give my sponsor credit for the experience and good advise he gives, and why I put so much my stock in my own isolation.  I got to talk to him this morning, when his cell came back into range and he discovered that I had been having a hard time.  I am trying to use a mind that is not yet healed.  I tracked back to a point last week when I turned my attention away from helping my sponsees to some more self indulgent pursuits.  I still have some issues about having to meet Sponsee Two at a church sponsored recovery program, and I think that it activated this fear of being sucked back into that realm of social and behavioral control.  I am no longer protected by my fierce anger.  But it all is beginning to make sense again, now that I have ridden the storm out and seen the tools of the program begin to bring me back into sanity.  Oops, the question man has returned:

Yes, we had only answered the first seven questions of the twelve I had for you, based on the ninth step promises.  So let us pick up the next one, now that you are back with us:

 8.  Has your whole attitude and outlook on life changed? 

Can I truly answer this question?  I have definitely had an attitude adjustment and my outlook on life is so much more positive and resilient than it has been.  But I generally shy away from all inclusive words and broad sweeping conclusions.  The phrase “whole attitude and outlook” is beyond my scope.  I am only able to answer because the question doesn’t add “completely changed.” 

So my answer is yes, with qualifications.

I am so tired; what a weekend.  I have restarted my reading of “As Bill Sees It.”  I came across a section in which he described the AA fellowship as Benign Anarchy.  It is an interesting concept.  I also think that Bill saw the fellowship’s purpose as transcending recovery and providing a new and brighter spiritual path or option.  That is what I picked up when I read the first forward.  “And besides, we are sure that our way of living has its advantages for all.”

I guess it becomes religious trite when I speak something I do not believe.  Something is helping me.  I should not be sober today.  I know what my response would have been in the past.  I am interacting with some force that is taking whatever I do and amplifying its effectiveness.  Some Higher Power is helping me.  Why do I struggle so with that.  I have acceptance issues.

See. That is the kind of crap I am talking about.  “Higher Power doing for me what I could not do for myself.”  That is so trite, such a religious bumper sticker!  I feel like I’m stuck in a clean padded cell with guards “doing for me…” and telling me that I will die and learn to  love it.  I think I might be a rotten poster child for recovery.

I went out with my daughter to the dollar theatre and saw the movie Hancock.  It was such a perfect parable of what I am going through and gave me some unexpected insight.  The PR rep is the good man that I do not want to be and for the reasons that were demonstrated in the movie.  Yet he is there and as persistant as that PR man.  And Hancock is that hard edge, the darker (sorry Will, that wasn’t a racial slur) side.  And of course sobriety is not his strong suit.  And the unexpected strength of the good man’s wife is Lady Recovery.  Go see the movie and you will see the unbelievable parallel. 

INSIGHT:   The good guy and the asshole can actually support one another, as long as the asshole maintains his distance from Lady Recovery.  It is not a one or the other prospect, a mutually exclusive inevitability.  I am amazed how many times the Higher Power uses movies to demonstrate profound truths to me.  Star Trek and Rocky have been canonized in my spiritual walk.  The raw Dominant is calm again, and Lady Recovery will have her way – a life with the good guy.

I think this qualifies as my Higher Power doing for me what I could not do for myself.

Alright.  I realize this is not a good place to be.  I do not underestimate this obsession.  I find myself not wanting to talk to my sponsor.  This disease is like a computer virus for the brain.  It has a negative programing that seems to key into vulnerabilities.  I know the work I have done is buying me time, but that will run out.  I was going to write that my phone is screwing up, which is slightly true.  Thus I am unable to talk to my sponsor.  Then I remembered that I just got off the phone with Sponsee One.  I confessed to my 14 year old daughter that my obsession has kicked in.  She gave some interesting advise about trying on different personas that you enjoy and whichever one feels enjoyable is closer to being the real you.  But, I know that I have to do something to catch this disease, which might even key into her advise to get me to do what is “natural” to do.  Ok, I am going to go ahead and call the sponsor.

Honesty.  Being real.  I am in a strange place.  I am two weeks away from picking up my year chip.  And I have had thoughts of returning to a chemical dependency.  Why?  I don’t want to be a good man.  I like living on the edge and being dangerous.  I hate what being good has done to me over the course of my life.  It has robbed me of so much living.  Yet I know the reality of releasing this demon once more.  I may be able to practice some controlled usage in the beginning, make certain promises to myself, but I KNOW what will happen.  Why then does this insanity return to the doorstep of my soul?

There are certain things that help restrain me for now.  But I know the ability of this insanity to circumvent restraints built by reason and sentiment, fortified by powerful resolve and intentions.  Ultimately the disease will break through.

Restraint One:  I have goals I want to achieve in recovery.  I would like to finish the amends, pick up this one year chip.  I would like to give it my best shot.  I have many close ended goals that I would like to see completed.

Restraint Two:  My Father still lives with me, and I would like for him to pass to the other side seeing my continued sobriety.  He is in His 80’s.  How long until I have to see this treasured relationship pass into memory?

Restraint Three:  There is a vague hope that I can find a way to manifest that darker side of my nature and still remain sober.  Why do I have such empathy for others?  What true benefit has this ever produced for me or those who depend on me?  My slave has suggested Nordic Shamanism.  I will look into that.  But if I remain corrupted with this sticky, syrupy goodness, no outside pursuit will be of lasting aid.  I don’t want to be a good guy.  I love being a Master of slaves, a soldier willing to kill, a man who leaps out of the plane into the unknown to conquer whatever he touches.  Maybe I shouldn’t have seen Batman 2 or 3 times in the theatre.  Maybe I should take up quilting.  Sigh.

Restraint Four:  I would like to take advantage of an educational opportunity to retool for the final years of my worklife.  I definitely need to be working with my brain rather than my body.  I would like to keep a clear head until I graduate and start working as a Micro Biologist or something along those lines, in medical research.  Maybe I would be able to keep the job long enough to get a retirement.

Restraint Five:  I would like to get all the projects done that are associated with my amends, most especially the clear explanation of my expectations for My beautiful slave.  Although, once I return to the chemical seduction, I will probably lose that relationship.  But my love will grow cold, I will cease to care, and I will become the harsh thing I so desire to see in the mirror.

Restraint Six:  I would like to give magic a chance to work.  I made a covenant with my Higher Power.  I would like to see it through.  But I do not have much patience with invisible entities.  I have to be able to hold tangible evidence to trust in intangible interventions. 

Restraint Seven:  I would like to finish the Right of Passage for my son, and the Coming of Age for my daughter.  I love them more than life itself. 

I am buying time.  I will talk to my sponsor about this tomorrow.  None of these restraints are powerful enough to resist the obsession.  I have been doing so good.  But my life is becoming too much like ministry, too sweet and nice.