Endigar 67

Honesty.  Being real.  I am in a strange place.  I am two weeks away from picking up my year chip.  And I have had thoughts of returning to a chemical dependency.  Why?  I don’t want to be a good man.  I like living on the edge and being dangerous.  I hate what being good has done to me over the course of my life.  It has robbed me of so much living.  Yet I know the reality of releasing this demon once more.  I may be able to practice some controlled usage in the beginning, make certain promises to myself, but I KNOW what will happen.  Why then does this insanity return to the doorstep of my soul?

There are certain things that help restrain me for now.  But I know the ability of this insanity to circumvent restraints built by reason and sentiment, fortified by powerful resolve and intentions.  Ultimately the disease will break through.

Restraint One:  I have goals I want to achieve in recovery.  I would like to finish the amends, pick up this one year chip.  I would like to give it my best shot.  I have many close ended goals that I would like to see completed.

Restraint Two:  My Father still lives with me, and I would like for him to pass to the other side seeing my continued sobriety.  He is in His 80’s.  How long until I have to see this treasured relationship pass into memory?

Restraint Three:  There is a vague hope that I can find a way to manifest that darker side of my nature and still remain sober.  Why do I have such empathy for others?  What true benefit has this ever produced for me or those who depend on me?  My slave has suggested Nordic Shamanism.  I will look into that.  But if I remain corrupted with this sticky, syrupy goodness, no outside pursuit will be of lasting aid.  I don’t want to be a good guy.  I love being a Master of slaves, a soldier willing to kill, a man who leaps out of the plane into the unknown to conquer whatever he touches.  Maybe I shouldn’t have seen Batman 2 or 3 times in the theatre.  Maybe I should take up quilting.  Sigh.

Restraint Four:  I would like to take advantage of an educational opportunity to retool for the final years of my worklife.  I definitely need to be working with my brain rather than my body.  I would like to keep a clear head until I graduate and start working as a Micro Biologist or something along those lines, in medical research.  Maybe I would be able to keep the job long enough to get a retirement.

Restraint Five:  I would like to get all the projects done that are associated with my amends, most especially the clear explanation of my expectations for My beautiful slave.  Although, once I return to the chemical seduction, I will probably lose that relationship.  But my love will grow cold, I will cease to care, and I will become the harsh thing I so desire to see in the mirror.

Restraint Six:  I would like to give magic a chance to work.  I made a covenant with my Higher Power.  I would like to see it through.  But I do not have much patience with invisible entities.  I have to be able to hold tangible evidence to trust in intangible interventions. 

Restraint Seven:  I would like to finish the Right of Passage for my son, and the Coming of Age for my daughter.  I love them more than life itself. 

I am buying time.  I will talk to my sponsor about this tomorrow.  None of these restraints are powerful enough to resist the obsession.  I have been doing so good.  But my life is becoming too much like ministry, too sweet and nice.

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