Daily Reprieve

From Endigar 277;

~ The concepts and thoughts that I value will be overshadowed by a stronger presence.  The products of my mind and heart will be dismissed as insignificant in a crowd, and assaulted in the presence of a strong presentation.  This idea moves me into withdrawal seasoned with a continuous, simmering, judgment or open and probably unwarranted aggression.  People are usually surprised by the latter.  Another idea that came out that seems related is that I would become nobody if not cloaked in some special ability. 

~ Uncontrolled and spiritually undeveloped people will attack or hurt me.  This leads me to create protective alliances by pretending weakness, vulnerability, or hurt.  I call this the belly up manipulation.  It is such an ingrained practice that I don’t realize when I am doing it. 

Is this a root idea, or is it a resulting fear of something else?  Is it related to the discussion of the idea in Endigar 281?  A couple of other ideas that seem to be close relatives to these are:

~ Personal assertions that are not wrapped in a mantle of pain, depression, and anguish will not be taken seriously.  Assertions expressed with happiness will be seen as frivolous and thus, discarded.   I realized I felt this at a Hoot Owl meeting this weekend when the topic was on laughter and not being a glum lot.  It appears that this might create the deliberate manufacture of misery, a habit of morbid self-reflection, and the need to condemn simplicity.

~ Honesty is a social control mechanism and has very little to do with the discovery of truth.  When I hear someone say, “I just want you to be honest with me,” I translate that to mean, “I just want you to give me enough personal information to ensnare you.”  When I got my first Big Book, I attempted to go through and mark out and replace every mention of the word HONESTY with the word TRUTH.  I gave up, because it was all over the place in my book. 

The true powerlessness here belongs to the actual root idea, and I am just not sure what that is.  I need to get with my guide and talk some more on this.

From post Endigar 277;

“~ My ideas concerning masculine and feminine energy are rather medieval, primitive.  That is what the Moon Shadow guide observed during our conversation and we began a discussion of Tao philosophy.”

I am not at all convinced that I am powerless over this idea, that it is useless, or that the problems I have in my own relationships are even related to this perspective.  But I am open to learning, and I am willing to consider his observations.  A friend loaned me her copy of the Tao of Pooh, which I have read, and her copy of the Te of Piglet, which I will start reading very soon.

I really like the Tao and I can see the truth of it in nature and the flow of the universe.  Yet there is another oriental writing that I find interesting, and that is “The Art of War” by Sun Tzu.  And this leads me to the idea that I have about masculine energy that might be related.  “The ability and willingness to kill can accelerate the power to steward others.”

There is another idea that I have heard females express or imply in relation to their post-rape perspective that I have a hard time accepting, and seems to be related to my understanding of male – female energy.   The female seems to focus on the personal feelings of being dismissed, discarded, devalued.  The observing male seems to focus on the line crossed that must be reasserted, lest a precedent of predatory behavior be unleashed like wolves on the sheep.  I do not have a hard time with the personal pain that those who are raped suffer.  That is, I do not have a problem with the apparent focus of their pain as I have observed.  What gets me is the tendency for the crime to go unpunished because punishing the rapist violates what appears to be the self-delusions of those raped in response to that pain.  To consider what has happened, report it to law enforcement or those willing to seek retribution in their behalf, makes them vulnerable to internal attacks on their self-esteem.

DISCLAIMER:  I am working on personal issues, and I have not personally experienced rape.  I am trying to remain transparent in the process so others may see both the struggle and solution working in my own life.  If you have experienced the trauma of rape, it is not my intention for my words here to be taken as a statement of what I believe should become policy, or even worse, a judgment of those who have suffered.

I would like to discuss this one more.  I think what the guide is picking up on is my resentments against the apparent disequilibrium caused in society by the abdication of males in the face of the assertion of masculine energy in women.  And my resentments of the demonization of males who embrace masculine energy.

Is it possible that the problems with male dominance comes from a confusion in mentorship, not knowing the appropriate way to express ourselves?  And left with frustrated testosterone, men lash out.  And then they have to be beaten back by others who command masculine energy, usually other frustrated males.

Anyway, I am reading others ideas in this arena as they are being presented.  I feel that the current approach of my social environment is quite haphazard, with damning results.

I am not sure that the difficult parts of this idea reflects a root issue.

I heard this read in meeting over the weekend, and it is some good stuff, off of page 386 of the Big Book;

…I looked up an A.A. meeting and went there – alone.

Here I found an ingredient that had been lacking in any other effort I had made to save myself.  Here was – power!  Here was power to live to the end of any given day, power to have the courage to face the next day, power to have friends, power to help people, power to be sane, power to stay sober.  That was seven years ago – and many A.A. meetings ago – and I haven’t had a drink during those seven years.  Moreover, I am deeply convinced that so long as I continue to strive, in my bumbling way, toward the principles I first encountered in the earlier chapters of this book, this remarkable power will continue to flow through me.  What is this power?  With my A.A. friends, all I can say is that it’s a Power greater than myself.  If pressed, all I can do is follow the psalmist who said it long before me:  ‘Be still, and know that I am God.’

The person who shared this at the meeting talked about the 11th step’s direction to pray for the power to carry out God’s will for us, and then turned to the part in the book where it says that God desires for us to be happy, joyous and free.  It was really helpful to hear this.

Some relief today, a different understanding.   Perspective.  I am grateful for yesterday’s surroundings.  I am grateful for today’s slow journey.  I am grateful for the possibility of love in hot pursuit of my tomorrow.  That’s enough.

Is it possible that the Infinite One conspires to create a companion for Itself, and that we humans are very much apart of that romantic scheme? We are the Yin and It is the Yang in that powerful intercourse?  Is it possible that we must learn to embrace both the order of God, like an angel, as well as the Chaos of God like no other? 

Is it possible that Christ was a heretic whose primary focus was to teach us to seek resurrection while still in this body?

Is it possible to self-actualize personal mythology in these bodies?

Maybe it is more important to have really good questions to move us forward rather than the answers that serve to box us in.  I like these questions.  The foundation for some new adventures?  Maybe.  If you are reading this, I just want to say that I it is my passive desire to know that you are making it, and that you are unfolding as a fellow human being.  My desire is only passive because I cannot see you or directly connect with you.  But I genuinely desire good things for you.  And thank-you for your time.

Yet another trip into the “fearless” moral inventory.  This time, I am following the guidance of one who uses the multiple columns to identify the root obsessions that have proven to be unuseful, to threaten sobriety, and to feed those activities and events that have placed me in the position to acquire deep resentments.  These are my damning ideas:

~ My failure is inevitable.  Thus I will disappoint all those who are close to me, eventually.  I respond to this idea with a strong need to withdraw and hide.  I procrastinate.  I fall into incapacitating depression.  There is a possible new idea that Gomu (God of my understanding) may be replacing this one with; Success is inevitable when I grab hold of those things that are apart of my purpose, my path.  Failure is inevitable when I refuse to let go of those things that are not apart of my destiny.

~ If I fail, I deserve to die.  What remains of my honor demands it.  Is there no hope for escape?  The fear this idea engenders creates a last-minute panic on the tasks I have accumulated through procrastination.

~ You must hate yourself to love another.  The depth of effective love is measured in the level of self-hatred you can embody.  This causes me to resist the natural growth of relationships, or If I desire for the relationship to grow, I prepare myself for absolute martyrdom.  It has a corrosive effect on trust.  Freedom becomes escape from commitments in love.  In discussion with the Moon Shadow guide, we discovered that I don’t believe that empathy is weakness, but, my empathy and compassion makes me weak and vulnerable.  Another idea revealed in the Moonlight;  There may be only one answer to this dilemma and that is to become a predator.  The Moon Shadow guide also said that he believed I was mistaking co-dependency for compassion. 

~ The concepts and thoughts that I value will be overshadowed by a stronger presence.  The products of my mind and heart will be dismissed as insignificant in a crowd, and assaulted in the presence of a strong presentation.  This idea moves me into withdrawal seasoned with a continuous, simmering, judgment or open and probably unwarranted aggression.  People are usually surprised by the latter.  Another idea that came out that seems related is that I would become nobody if not cloaked in some special ability. 

~ Uncontrolled and spiritually undeveloped people will attack or hurt me.  This leads me to create protective alliances by pretending weakness, vulnerability, or hurt.  I call this the belly up manipulation.  It is such an ingrained practice that I don’t realize when I am doing it. 

~ God is not interested in me, only in controlling me for his own purposes, to protect his distant control on the human species.   This idea is not useful to recovery or spiritual development.  The band-aid solution I created for it is that I am willing to be apart of God’s conspiracy because of my own philosophy of the benefits of manifested personal mythology.  I enlist in his cause to empower humans, not just control them.  I do not surrender if I become aware the elements of “loving” are the elements of ultimate suppression.  For the most part, my current understanding of the God conspiracy passes for what we human’s perceive as loving, that is personal empowerment.  But this is tentative and not useful to long-term sobriety.

~ God wants to control me for his purposes, wants me to be his sissy whore.  He uses my heart’s desires against me.  He has no desire for my ultimate success, only my advancement to control others.  When this idea rises, I feel that I am in such a predicament that I cannot trust my mind, my perception, my environment.  Nothing is real, because it is temporary.  This idea causes me to fear going crazy, and fuels a desire to lash out at God and his agents, his men in black, his mafia. 

~ If I get out of line, God has a kill switch to amplify my lusts and natural desires to consume me, or, if I am able to overcome that, God can use my disconnected strength to turn me into a predator. This line of thinking cause me to see the parable of the talents in a different light.  I see the demonization of masculine energy.  Atheism is used to push me into life as a predator.  Agnosticism could be a self-protective delusion. 

~ My ideas concerning masculine and feminine energy are rather medieval, primitive.  That is what the Moon Shadow guide observed during our conversation and we began a discussion of Tao philosophy. 

Now that these ideas have been identified, the task is to take them through the steps.  In the first step process, I must look at my life history and decide if these ideas are truly unuseful to me, and that they make my life unmanageable.  I also must evaluate if I am powerless over them, that I have continuously attempted to modify or eradicate them and have them manifest and dominate my life regardless of my efforts.  The steps are designed to deal with obsessive ideas.  Steps 2 and 3 dictate that I decide if I believe or am willing to believe that a power greater than myself will restore me to sanity, to a state of freedom and serenity.  The 4th and 5th steps, as I understand it, is to analyze the ideas to see if there are any deeper ideas propping up these.  Steps 6 and 7 embody the magical element of the process.  This is where we surrender to the prospect of the psychic change.  8 and 9 are the amends process.  10 is the protective vigilance.  11 seeks to strengthen my connection with the Higher Power, and 12 is the practical activity designed to enlarge my spiritual life.  I hope this works.

Page 63:  “…As we felt new power flow in, as we enjoyed peace of mind, as we discovered we could face life successfully, as we became conscious of His presence, we began to lose our fear of today, tomorrow or the hereafter.  We were reborn.”

Page 63:  “God, I offer myself to Thee – to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt.  Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do Thy will.  Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love, and Thy Way of life.  May I do Thy will always!”

Page 63:  “…making sure we were ready; that we could at last abandon ourselves utterly to Him.”

Page 76:  “My Creator, I am now willing that you should have all of me, good and bad, I pray that you now remove from me every single defect of character which stands in the way of my usefulness to you and my fellows.  Grant me strength, as I go out from here, to do your bidding.  Amen.”

Page 86 – 88:  [Instructions for ending the day with an evaluation to see how our psychic transformation is going; for starting the day to kick-start our ability to hear the intuitive guidance of our Gomu, and to condition our minds so that moving into this state of being is a natural process, and learning how to maintain our connection with the Higher Power as we interact with the day, and seek to fulfill the inspired plan we gathered from morning meditation]

It is my experience that this program of recovery works when both the science and magic of spiritual development are embraced.  In this covenant interaction with Gomu, the science is our endeavor to clean house and become useful.  Working the steps.  Making meetings. Helping others.  The magic comes from this attitude of release to the Infinite One.  For me, this is not a one shot deal.  I keep having to revisit these petitions for transformation.  I must be reborn, separated from my difficulties, ready to live in utter abandonment, and the removal of paralyzing defects of character, unuseful and obsessive ideas, strengthened with inspired purpose. 

There is an implied reality that I do not hear to often, but seems important to me.  We are all connected, and we have personal dreams and aspirations written within.  When the text says, ‘we felt new power flow in,’ it assumes that is something we desire.  When the text says ‘we enjoyed peace of mind,’ it is says it knows that we as humans desire this state of being.  What does it mean to face life successfully?  Is it not the most satisfying fulfillment of those desires that the creative force of the universe has written within us?  We were reborn.  Assumed that we want to have another shot that is absent of fear of the unknown in today, tomorrow, and the hereafter. 

When I offer myself to God…it assumes that there is an entity that desires me to do so.  It assumes that I seek to interact in a loving way with that which created me and that I desire to personally and intimately benefit from this interaction.  I am not ignored, I am significant to the Creator, or else it would do no good to offer myself to It.  This very much sounds like the devotions promised in marriage, the establishment of a common vision and a future life together.  God is not intervening in my life to make me a better servant, valuable only as a battery in a religious social control engine.  The Infinite One is creating a place where I can do what is the most satisfying to me and the most fulfilling to my heart.  Helping others builds the foundation for this new world.  The total sacrifice of self, a completely selfless life is not what we were created for.  My desire to be reborn into a new and wonderful world is what drives me to offer myself to an Entity I believe has been looking forward to this union.  It simply doesn’t make sense any other way.

I am fighting for my life again.  Or maybe it is just obvious with another relapse.  Tuesday, 29 March, 3 bottles of Boones Farm Sangria.  An intervention puts the brakes on, for now.

And there are moments when I am hidden away, that the darkness comes for me again.  And I must develop another obsession, a desperate need to connect.  Connect with Gomu, with the recovery network, and most scary of all, with myself.  I have to connect in a better way.  So I am taking text from the Big Book to build a covenant life with my Gomu.  It is what I have been reading and meditating on for the past few months.

Page 60:  “The first requirement is that we be convinced that any life run on self-will can hardly be a success.”  I have struggled with this concept.  It doesn’t appear to say that self-will must be exterminated.  But it cannot be the ruling force.  Self reliance fails us.  I think this is because such an approach cuts us off from vital connections with Gomu and others.  It puts us into conflict with our fellows.  When a new way of thinking and approaching life is the desired achievement, then I must be convinced that the old way does not work.  I will not release it until I am absolutely convinced of its futility.  When I live in the delusion of reshaping myself and others to accommodate the thrust of my own will produced in isolation, I will humiliate myself with persistent failure. 

Ok, I am convinced.  Please, really, I am convinced. 

Page 62:  “Above everything, we alcoholics must be rid of this selfishness.  We must, or it kills us!  God makes that possible.”  This particular statement was ridiculous to me, until I saw THIS SELFISHNESS.  That is, the selfishness the book just got through describing in the preceding pages.  It is not saying we must be rid of all selfishness.  There is a selfishness that has to do with personal survival, that pulled me into the recovery rooms, that motivates me to take action, to live again.  But the selfishness that requires that I control my environment and all those in it, that I direct the outcome of all my interactions, this is the stage for my personal hell, this is the catalyst for the madness that has manifested in a delusion of chemical empowerment.  I have to be rid of this selfish obsession.  It will kill me.  And I am as powerless over this as I am over drinking itself.  One possible solution is presented in this program of recovery, and that is connection and surrender to Gomu. 

I am willing to try. 

 Page 62: “First of all,  we had to quit playing God.  It didn’t work.  Next, we decided that hereafter in this drama of life, God was going to be our Director.  He is the Principal; we are His agents.  He is the Father, and we are His children.  Most good ideas are simple, and this concept was the keystone of the new and triumphant arch through which we passed to freedom.”  Here again, I have struggled.  And I know of many who also struggle with this concept, but they do not have the alcoholic gun to the head.  They usually have enough political, economic, or social power to perpetuate this delusion.  And they become an icon in my mind for the possibility that it might be the case.  Why do they appear to succeed?  Maybe they have yet another solution that I am not aware of.  I have believed that we are embryonic God fetuses, and that the challenges of this life are meant to spur us forward to the manifestation of an inward deity.  Could it be that the path to this manifestation is to surrender to and follow the guidance of the Infinite One, and those delegated to this quest? 

Page 63:  “We had a new Employer.  Being all powerful, He provided what we needed.  If we kept close to Him and performed His work well.” 

Page 97:  “Never avoid these responsibilities, but be sure you are doing the right thing if you assume them.  Helping others is the foundation stone of your recovery.  A kindly act once in a while isn’t enough.  You have to act the Good Samaritan every day, if need be.  It may mean the loss of many nights’ sleep, great interference with your pleasures, interruptions to your business.  It may mean sharing your money and your home, counseling frantic wives and relatives, innumerable trips to police courts, sanitariums, hospitals, jails and asylums.  Your telephone may jangle at any time of the day or night.  Your wife may sometimes a she is neglected.  A drunk may smash the furniture in your home, or burn a mattress.  You may have to fight with him if he is violent. Sometimes you will have to call a doctor and administer sedatives under his direction.  Another time you may have to send for the police or an ambulance.  Occasionally you will have t meet such conditions”

Page 98:  “Job or no job – wife or no wife- we simply do not stop drinking  so long as we place dependence upon other people ahead of dependence on God.  Burn the idea into the consciousness of every man that he can get well regardless of anyone.  The only condition is that he trust in God and clean house.”

Page 100:  “Both you and the new man must walk day by day in the path of spiritual progress.  If you persist, remarkable things will happen.  When we look back, we realize that the things which came to us when we put ourselves in God’s hands were better than anything we could have planned.  Follow the dictates of a Higher Power and you will presently (means soon) live in a new and wonderful world, no matter what your present circumstances.”

Page 102:  “Your job now is to be at the place where you may be of maximum helpfulness to others, so never hesitate to go anywhere if you can be helpful.  You should not hesitate to visit the most sordid spot on earth on such an errand.  Keep on the firing line of life with these motives and God will keep you unharmed.”

These five references reflect the expectations and conditions of this covenant relationship for me.  I need a shift in perspective to see Gomu as my actual employer.  As an employee, I am expected to do my job well, and to stay close, remain open and available, to the guidance of what my next task is to be.  The second reference is a reality check of some of the difficulties I can expect to encounter in the fulfillment of my job.  So I should fortify myself, prepare myself, for these difficulties.  This will allow me to remain true to my specific commitments, as they are revealed.  The next reference is to shift my dependency away from human sources, and learn to trust and devote myself to Gomu.  The fourth reference tells me that the path to the new world that is greater than what I was struggling to secure is one of spiritual progress and mentorship.  And finally, the appropriate place for me to be is wherever my usefulness can be maximized. 

I am willing to walk this path.  I welcome a new and wonderful world that exceeds anything I could have planned.  Sounds like a good career move, to perpetuate the metaphor of being under a new Employer.  My problem is a lingering distrust for spiritual scams.  I hate the thought of investing years of my life into something that just leaves me weak and vulnerable and feeling like a fool.  My faith may always be shaky, tenuous, and inconsistent, if I can not lay hold of some elements of that new and wonderful world.  I guess this is why we do gratitude lists, to see that, even if I do not get to the promised land, there have been many streams in the deserts that make it a worthy endeavor.  This trust is like walking across a foot bridge over a deep and threatening chasm.  I need to walk it with others who have developed their trust in Gomu.  I think that is how it works.

I am going to break, to seek this contact.  I will be back.  I have four more references to cover that help me define the nature of this spiritual covenant.

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I am hopeful today.  I have found someone who has a sobriety I truly desire to have for myself.  I am motivated by his example and presence.  This is an extremely rare occurence for me.  I am working hard to capitalize on this.

I picked up my AA 30 day chip, and have purchased the book “Pass It On.”  I will pick up my 30 day tag at EON tonight for CA.