Endigar 277

Yet another trip into the “fearless” moral inventory.  This time, I am following the guidance of one who uses the multiple columns to identify the root obsessions that have proven to be unuseful, to threaten sobriety, and to feed those activities and events that have placed me in the position to acquire deep resentments.  These are my damning ideas:

~ My failure is inevitable.  Thus I will disappoint all those who are close to me, eventually.  I respond to this idea with a strong need to withdraw and hide.  I procrastinate.  I fall into incapacitating depression.  There is a possible new idea that Gomu (God of my understanding) may be replacing this one with; Success is inevitable when I grab hold of those things that are apart of my purpose, my path.  Failure is inevitable when I refuse to let go of those things that are not apart of my destiny.

~ If I fail, I deserve to die.  What remains of my honor demands it.  Is there no hope for escape?  The fear this idea engenders creates a last-minute panic on the tasks I have accumulated through procrastination.

~ You must hate yourself to love another.  The depth of effective love is measured in the level of self-hatred you can embody.  This causes me to resist the natural growth of relationships, or If I desire for the relationship to grow, I prepare myself for absolute martyrdom.  It has a corrosive effect on trust.  Freedom becomes escape from commitments in love.  In discussion with the Moon Shadow guide, we discovered that I don’t believe that empathy is weakness, but, my empathy and compassion makes me weak and vulnerable.  Another idea revealed in the Moonlight;  There may be only one answer to this dilemma and that is to become a predator.  The Moon Shadow guide also said that he believed I was mistaking co-dependency for compassion. 

~ The concepts and thoughts that I value will be overshadowed by a stronger presence.  The products of my mind and heart will be dismissed as insignificant in a crowd, and assaulted in the presence of a strong presentation.  This idea moves me into withdrawal seasoned with a continuous, simmering, judgment or open and probably unwarranted aggression.  People are usually surprised by the latter.  Another idea that came out that seems related is that I would become nobody if not cloaked in some special ability. 

~ Uncontrolled and spiritually undeveloped people will attack or hurt me.  This leads me to create protective alliances by pretending weakness, vulnerability, or hurt.  I call this the belly up manipulation.  It is such an ingrained practice that I don’t realize when I am doing it. 

~ God is not interested in me, only in controlling me for his own purposes, to protect his distant control on the human species.   This idea is not useful to recovery or spiritual development.  The band-aid solution I created for it is that I am willing to be apart of God’s conspiracy because of my own philosophy of the benefits of manifested personal mythology.  I enlist in his cause to empower humans, not just control them.  I do not surrender if I become aware the elements of “loving” are the elements of ultimate suppression.  For the most part, my current understanding of the God conspiracy passes for what we human’s perceive as loving, that is personal empowerment.  But this is tentative and not useful to long-term sobriety.

~ God wants to control me for his purposes, wants me to be his sissy whore.  He uses my heart’s desires against me.  He has no desire for my ultimate success, only my advancement to control others.  When this idea rises, I feel that I am in such a predicament that I cannot trust my mind, my perception, my environment.  Nothing is real, because it is temporary.  This idea causes me to fear going crazy, and fuels a desire to lash out at God and his agents, his men in black, his mafia. 

~ If I get out of line, God has a kill switch to amplify my lusts and natural desires to consume me, or, if I am able to overcome that, God can use my disconnected strength to turn me into a predator. This line of thinking cause me to see the parable of the talents in a different light.  I see the demonization of masculine energy.  Atheism is used to push me into life as a predator.  Agnosticism could be a self-protective delusion. 

~ My ideas concerning masculine and feminine energy are rather medieval, primitive.  That is what the Moon Shadow guide observed during our conversation and we began a discussion of Tao philosophy. 

Now that these ideas have been identified, the task is to take them through the steps.  In the first step process, I must look at my life history and decide if these ideas are truly unuseful to me, and that they make my life unmanageable.  I also must evaluate if I am powerless over them, that I have continuously attempted to modify or eradicate them and have them manifest and dominate my life regardless of my efforts.  The steps are designed to deal with obsessive ideas.  Steps 2 and 3 dictate that I decide if I believe or am willing to believe that a power greater than myself will restore me to sanity, to a state of freedom and serenity.  The 4th and 5th steps, as I understand it, is to analyze the ideas to see if there are any deeper ideas propping up these.  Steps 6 and 7 embody the magical element of the process.  This is where we surrender to the prospect of the psychic change.  8 and 9 are the amends process.  10 is the protective vigilance.  11 seeks to strengthen my connection with the Higher Power, and 12 is the practical activity designed to enlarge my spiritual life.  I hope this works.

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