Endigar 275

I am fighting for my life again.  Or maybe it is just obvious with another relapse.  Tuesday, 29 March, 3 bottles of Boones Farm Sangria.  An intervention puts the brakes on, for now.

And there are moments when I am hidden away, that the darkness comes for me again.  And I must develop another obsession, a desperate need to connect.  Connect with Gomu, with the recovery network, and most scary of all, with myself.  I have to connect in a better way.  So I am taking text from the Big Book to build a covenant life with my Gomu.  It is what I have been reading and meditating on for the past few months.

Page 60:  “The first requirement is that we be convinced that any life run on self-will can hardly be a success.”  I have struggled with this concept.  It doesn’t appear to say that self-will must be exterminated.  But it cannot be the ruling force.  Self reliance fails us.  I think this is because such an approach cuts us off from vital connections with Gomu and others.  It puts us into conflict with our fellows.  When a new way of thinking and approaching life is the desired achievement, then I must be convinced that the old way does not work.  I will not release it until I am absolutely convinced of its futility.  When I live in the delusion of reshaping myself and others to accommodate the thrust of my own will produced in isolation, I will humiliate myself with persistent failure. 

Ok, I am convinced.  Please, really, I am convinced. 

Page 62:  “Above everything, we alcoholics must be rid of this selfishness.  We must, or it kills us!  God makes that possible.”  This particular statement was ridiculous to me, until I saw THIS SELFISHNESS.  That is, the selfishness the book just got through describing in the preceding pages.  It is not saying we must be rid of all selfishness.  There is a selfishness that has to do with personal survival, that pulled me into the recovery rooms, that motivates me to take action, to live again.  But the selfishness that requires that I control my environment and all those in it, that I direct the outcome of all my interactions, this is the stage for my personal hell, this is the catalyst for the madness that has manifested in a delusion of chemical empowerment.  I have to be rid of this selfish obsession.  It will kill me.  And I am as powerless over this as I am over drinking itself.  One possible solution is presented in this program of recovery, and that is connection and surrender to Gomu. 

I am willing to try. 

 Page 62: “First of all,  we had to quit playing God.  It didn’t work.  Next, we decided that hereafter in this drama of life, God was going to be our Director.  He is the Principal; we are His agents.  He is the Father, and we are His children.  Most good ideas are simple, and this concept was the keystone of the new and triumphant arch through which we passed to freedom.”  Here again, I have struggled.  And I know of many who also struggle with this concept, but they do not have the alcoholic gun to the head.  They usually have enough political, economic, or social power to perpetuate this delusion.  And they become an icon in my mind for the possibility that it might be the case.  Why do they appear to succeed?  Maybe they have yet another solution that I am not aware of.  I have believed that we are embryonic God fetuses, and that the challenges of this life are meant to spur us forward to the manifestation of an inward deity.  Could it be that the path to this manifestation is to surrender to and follow the guidance of the Infinite One, and those delegated to this quest? 

Page 63:  “We had a new Employer.  Being all powerful, He provided what we needed.  If we kept close to Him and performed His work well.” 

Page 97:  “Never avoid these responsibilities, but be sure you are doing the right thing if you assume them.  Helping others is the foundation stone of your recovery.  A kindly act once in a while isn’t enough.  You have to act the Good Samaritan every day, if need be.  It may mean the loss of many nights’ sleep, great interference with your pleasures, interruptions to your business.  It may mean sharing your money and your home, counseling frantic wives and relatives, innumerable trips to police courts, sanitariums, hospitals, jails and asylums.  Your telephone may jangle at any time of the day or night.  Your wife may sometimes a she is neglected.  A drunk may smash the furniture in your home, or burn a mattress.  You may have to fight with him if he is violent. Sometimes you will have to call a doctor and administer sedatives under his direction.  Another time you may have to send for the police or an ambulance.  Occasionally you will have t meet such conditions”

Page 98:  “Job or no job – wife or no wife- we simply do not stop drinking  so long as we place dependence upon other people ahead of dependence on God.  Burn the idea into the consciousness of every man that he can get well regardless of anyone.  The only condition is that he trust in God and clean house.”

Page 100:  “Both you and the new man must walk day by day in the path of spiritual progress.  If you persist, remarkable things will happen.  When we look back, we realize that the things which came to us when we put ourselves in God’s hands were better than anything we could have planned.  Follow the dictates of a Higher Power and you will presently (means soon) live in a new and wonderful world, no matter what your present circumstances.”

Page 102:  “Your job now is to be at the place where you may be of maximum helpfulness to others, so never hesitate to go anywhere if you can be helpful.  You should not hesitate to visit the most sordid spot on earth on such an errand.  Keep on the firing line of life with these motives and God will keep you unharmed.”

These five references reflect the expectations and conditions of this covenant relationship for me.  I need a shift in perspective to see Gomu as my actual employer.  As an employee, I am expected to do my job well, and to stay close, remain open and available, to the guidance of what my next task is to be.  The second reference is a reality check of some of the difficulties I can expect to encounter in the fulfillment of my job.  So I should fortify myself, prepare myself, for these difficulties.  This will allow me to remain true to my specific commitments, as they are revealed.  The next reference is to shift my dependency away from human sources, and learn to trust and devote myself to Gomu.  The fourth reference tells me that the path to the new world that is greater than what I was struggling to secure is one of spiritual progress and mentorship.  And finally, the appropriate place for me to be is wherever my usefulness can be maximized. 

I am willing to walk this path.  I welcome a new and wonderful world that exceeds anything I could have planned.  Sounds like a good career move, to perpetuate the metaphor of being under a new Employer.  My problem is a lingering distrust for spiritual scams.  I hate the thought of investing years of my life into something that just leaves me weak and vulnerable and feeling like a fool.  My faith may always be shaky, tenuous, and inconsistent, if I can not lay hold of some elements of that new and wonderful world.  I guess this is why we do gratitude lists, to see that, even if I do not get to the promised land, there have been many streams in the deserts that make it a worthy endeavor.  This trust is like walking across a foot bridge over a deep and threatening chasm.  I need to walk it with others who have developed their trust in Gomu.  I think that is how it works.

I am going to break, to seek this contact.  I will be back.  I have four more references to cover that help me define the nature of this spiritual covenant.

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