Daily Reprieve

I have taken the counsel of others in the recovery network and have pulled back from this intimate dance with my core.  It is threatening my co-consciousness and I am about to leave for a 3 week annual training for my Army Reserve unit.  I can ill afford to be suffering problems with the demands of unexpected transitions.  I have also received a suggestion from the guide and others to seek a professional to help me through this.  I will probably do that before continuing with this particular 4th step.  Things have calmed down within since I have pulled back.  But if I retreat entirely, then I have to face the return of active alcoholism.  I have much work today when I get back. 

This morning, I had a message left by the Rogue Elf in the Book of Faces.  She had apparently taken the central statement of my co-dependancy and worn it as her own garment, “To love another I must hate myself.”  She had her own issues to apply this to, so she wore this mantra to see how it fits.  She ended up discarding it, and sending me the missive recording her own insight.  I capture it here, because I think it has potency to it, and because it moves me inside.  I don’t want to lose these words in the midst of my personal struggles:

To love another I must love myself and reach deep inside for all the treasures that reside there.

 

To love another takes courage, takes endurance, takes persistence.

 

To love another I must accept my lack of power, my lack of control…my humanity with its beautiful strength and weakness.

 

To love another is being open to experience the full range of human emotion, including fear and pain, but also joy.

 

To love another means to have eyes wide open, versus selective vision.

 

To love another requires trust in a Higher, unseen power and a belief in a plan Grander than a human being can imagine.

 

To love another means accepting not knowing how the story ends, but showing up anyway, knowing that no matter how it all plays out… I am safe, my beloved is safe; and I have given the universe an opportunity to heal souls and to express itself.

 

To love another is to experience and observe my filthiest ugliness and my highest beauty and an opportunity to embrace both!

 

To love another is the highest calling I can respond to and if I can continue to love no matter what it brings out in myself…if I can rise up from my wounds, both externally derived and self-inflicted, then, rather than being diminished as I used to believe, my worth, my value, my joy is increased! 

 

The only reward I can identify in surrendering to the idea that God is a manipulator is a limited dose of freedom, that is freedom defined as escape from social control. 

So is it true?  I must remember that facts are my friends. 

My experience with Christianity left me with great bonds of guilt, ideals of purity and perfection that I could never attain.  This guilt led me to pretend to be something else, something more socially acceptable.  It taught me to hide deep within myself, to take refuge in the shadow of my own image.  It was the image that was loved and accepted, not me.  If I was exposed, I would be rejected. 

Once I began to hold God accountable for his demands upon my life, with inadequate communication, once I pointed out and realized that the best I could hope for from God was to be ignored, I was free to take charge of my own life. 

Is it true that I escaped social control?  Is it true that I escaped repression?  Is it true that holding on to such an idea keeps me free from my program being hijacked by agents of social and behavioral control? 

Or is this idea preventing me from connecting with a power greater than myself, a very real entity that works in conjunction with my own desire for freedom?

I am not willing to give up this freedom to embrace a slavery of my mind.  But I am willing to relinquish for an even greater freedom.  Perspective fading.  Futility fog rolling in.

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I don’ t mean to be argumentative,  just trying to be thorough.  I am willing to dig deep to gain a more durable sobriety.

The first obsessive and unuseful idea I will focus on is that God is a manipulator.  My understanding is that the sixth step causes me to consider, what did I get from this idea, and am I willing to live without those rewards?

God is a manipulator (A co-dependant assertion, a family of origin adaption)

~ God is not interested in me, only in controlling me for his own purposes, to protect his distant control on the human species.

~ God wants to control me for his purposes, wants me to be his sissy whore.  He uses my heart’s desires against me.  He has no desire for my ultimate success, only my advancement to control others.

I really don’t see what I could have gotten from this idea, this way of thinking.  I will consider it as I pray and meditate tonight, and then sleep on it.  It has been a lethal, stormy day in Alabama.  It is a really quiet night after such an unleashing of nature’s fury.  Almost like God had an orgasm and is now sated.  I am truly powerless over this idea.

I talked with the guide about the Tao and my pursuit of growth and enlightenment concerning natural balance and the interplay of masculine and feminine energy.  I told him the books that I am currently reading, and he suggested one other; “The Tao of Leadership,” and I googled it and found such a book written by John Heider. 

The summarization of the ideas I have identified as useless and harmful to my life can be simply listed as:

1.  God is a manipulator (A co-dependant assertion, a family of origin adaption)

2.  In order to love others, you must hate yourself (confusing compassion and empathy with co-dependency)

3.  I lack potency. (Public school peer interaction in conjunction with distrust of outsiders)

4.  I am bound by family icons of devotion, resulting in the two statements on failure.  Outside the family, inevitable and lethal.

An important first lesson that I am to remember is that, CO-DEPENDENCY CAUSES YOU TO FORGET FACTS.  And facts are our friends.

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In the first step, I evaluate whether I am truly powerless over the idea, and if it makes my life unmanageable.  I have done this with these ideas.  They are both.

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The second step requires three things.

– The first is that I believe the idea I possess is insane.

– Next, I cannot or believe that I cannot restore myself to sanity.

– Finally, I can answer affirmatively the following question; “Do I now or am I willing to believe that a Power greater than myself can restore me to sanity with respect to each of these ideas.”

Sanity is defined as the removal of the idea, the obsession being arrested to the point of being undetectable.  Progress is defined as gaining territory and keeping it.  It is not an acceptance of back and forth struggles, and a life of trudging.

I am in agreement on all three points. 

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The third step is a decision to utilize the connection with the Higher Power through the 12 step program with the exclusion of all.  I think the point here was that there needs to be a single-minded devotion to the steps, that it is easy to be distracted. 

There was some discussion about the difference between an Answer and Enlightenment.   An answer is the rendering of a fact to an inquiry.  What is my problem?  The answer is, Alcohol.  But that does not give me a solution.  The solution is found in Enlightenment, which is the answer in context of the process, I think he said. 

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We talked about the fourth and fifth steps as applied to these ideas.  The guide said I should not get bogged down with this, that I am simply trying to confirm that these ideas are fundamental, that they are not being supported by some other idea.  Identifying this will prevent me from cutting at the branch and put the focus on root issues.  If I discover an idea that is more fundamental, then I need to talk to someone about it.  But it shouldn’t take much time.

I think my review of the two ideas on failure are a more clear restatement, and that the ideas are still fundamental.  It appears that I am able to move on.  I will fire of a text to insure such.

TEXT HAS BEEN SENT.

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The guide suggested that I read the section in the 12 & 12 on steps six and seven before doing them.  He said that it is important to know that I am entirely ready to let go of the idea.  I need to ask myself, what do I get out of the idea and can I live without those rewards?  Once I can truly answer yes, then I move on to step seven.

In step seven, I humbly ask once and mean it.  If I find myself having to ask over and over again, it means that I was not ready to let go of the idea.  I must remember that when I ask humbly, the Higher Power answers by initiating a process, not providing a fix.  This is not like going to a candy vending machine. 

The guide also discussed with me the difference between Faith and Belief.  He gave me a visual of a series of islands connected by a network of bridges.  Faith is the bridge that is taking you somewhere.  It has a focus.  The island is the place we wanted to be, it is the Belief.  The process that Faith takes us through earns us experience that confirms Belief. 

IN READING THE 12 & 12 ON STEP SIX, I AM DISCOURAGED.  TALK OF PERFECTION SOUNDS LIKE A SQUASHING OF INDIVIDUALITY.  THE RELIGIOUS OVERTONES CAUSE ME TO HACKLE.  I CANNOT EVEN SEEM TO READ THIS AND I AM CONFRONTED WITH THE IDEA THAT GOD IS A MANIPULATOR.  HOW AM I GOING TO TRUST A HIGHER POWER TO RESTORE ME TO SANITY WHEN I BATTLE WITH TRUSTING THAT HIGHER POWER.  GOMU, PLEASE HELP ME.

THEN I READ THE 12 & 12 ON STEP SEVEN AND I AM CONFRONTED WITH HUMILITY.  I AM CONFRONTED WITH THE ACCUSATIONS, THE BLAMING OF OTHERS THAT ARE APART OF MY OBSESSIVE IDEAS.  THESE IDEAS ARE NO LONGER MY PARENT’S IDEAS, NOR MY PEERS, NOR THE CHURCH’S.  THEY ARE MY IDEAS, MY REACTIONS, MY ARMOR, AND IT IS KILLING ME.  WHATEVER PERFECTION IS, IT IS SOMETHING OTHER THAN THESE IDEAS I HAVE CARRIED AND TRIED TO MAKE WORK. 

MY GRATITUDE TO GOMU.  I AM SURPRISED THAT MY PERSPECTIVE SHIFTED  SO QUICKLY.

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Steps eight and nine are done with guidance. 

In step eight, I would make a list of all the people I have hurt because of a particular idea. 

In step nine, and in discussion with the guide, we may conclude that it would be more harmful to the other people to engage them in a discussion of how an idea hurt them, or it might be more confusing to them.  So we discuss amends that need to be made to people, places, or things where appropriate. 

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There was some discussion about the Lakota belief in the greater potency of a wounded healer.  I don’t remember where this fits in here, but the guide recommended a book called Seven Arrows as a good read.  I think I will head out to Brains & Noodles tomorrow and see if they have it in stock.  My daughter might also be interested.

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Step ten is where I will enter into the “Observe without Judgment” phase.  He said that the Big Book actually gives eleven tasks associated with accomplishing this step.  But he went over three with me.

~ When a particular idea manifests in my previously identified short-comings, I am to pray.  This is my acknowledgement of my power source.

~ Talk to someone in order to regain perspective.

~ Resolutely turn to someone else to help, which puts a check on the momentum of self-centeredness. 

I am to learn to observe without judgement, to become well armed with the facts about how this idea functions in my life, what do I get out of it?  Is this true?  Step one is revisited.  Facts are our friends.  We must develop a factual based perspective. 

A trick of this step is that it dissociates our ego from the performance of the idea.  We become less invested in it.

As we become armed with the facts of how this idea functions, we become better equipped to help others.  But regardless of where we are in the process, we can always offer the truth that we are not alone. 

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In step eleven, the guide said that there is only one prayer, and that is pretty much all he prays now.  I failed to take many notes here, because I got caught up in listening. 

He said this is where the Tao comes in as well, because we learn to be open and listen.  

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In step twelve, the guide gave this warning; NEVER, EVER, EVER,  Go in uninvited.  It is attraction rather than promotion.  As soon as you get it, give it away.  That is a spiritual maxim for truly gaining power.  And it is important to gain true humility, and not to strut around like you have arrived.

“Dreams feel real while we’re in them. It’s only when we wake up that we realize something was actually strange.” ~ From the movie Inception.

I stayed up late last night, considering the two statements on failure that my guide had challenged.  There was something incomplete in them.  Was there a more fundamental idea that was supporting them?  Why did they seem to ring true to me? 

~ My failure is inevitable, and I will disappoint those who become intimate with me.

~ If I fail, my honor demands that I self-terminate.

It seems that if I held these to be true, I would not become so close to my children, or anyone, or that I would even be alive.  I had no explanation for this failure in logic. 

I sought escape, in the games.  A sickening feeling came over me.  I am not going to be able to do this.  There was only one thing that seemed to comfort me.  If this program failed to set me free of these and the other damning ideas, I would take a trip to Seppuku park in Anchorage, Alaska and find some peace feeding the beautiful ravens there.  The wind whispers, “Given, after Give.”  I made a plan to go there, if all else fails me.

With that I was able to lay down, and hide from the rising sun.

I dreamed…

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I had to break off the writing on this entry.  I knew that my mind was going to a bad place, that I was losing perspective as the guide had predicted I would.  He warned me that at that time I would need to reach out to the network to regain perspective.  I went to a meeting, and the topic was on the realities of relapse.  I opened up, let them know that I was hurting.  I was surrounded by people who I believe genuinely cared.  I walked out of the meeting feeling that I am not alone.

Someone told me that those who make it seem to share one thing, the willingness to stay and endure the suffering that comes with this process.  That seems to be true. 

I then decided to call someone who was familiar with this process, who I have seen in the program over the years, who I have learned to trust and appreciate.  The person reminded me of times I had shared in meetings and been of benefit to him.  He asserted that the fact that I am being torn open, and having a process of change invested in me shows a Higher Power willing to help, who will be there to put me together again.  It is funny, but as he spoke it, I felt I could believe it. 

I have decided not to “correct” the entry, but just to carry on with a more hopeful perspective.

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When I went to sleep, I dreamed of my mother.  This has happened a few times, and initially it seemed quite normal that she should be there.  Thus my quote from the movie Inception.  But unlike most dreams, I realized that my Mother had passed away, that her presence was a miracle.  I remember coming to her, and just hugging her, holding on, and weeping.  I told her how much I loved and missed her.  I woke up with my face soaked in tears. 

There are things I will say here that may sound like the traditional blame your parents parade.  That is not what I want to do.  I love both my Mother and Father, and there are things they did right, things they did wrong, and that is the nature of fulfilling the most God-like job in our culture.  We are guaranteed to fail at something.  It is then the young adult’s job to assume responsibility to re-parent themselves with the help of their Higher Power.  So, I move on.

Because my parents consistently covered me and smothered me in protection, I think I developed a self-image of incompetence.  The rules of success in my home of origin were never stable, never really clear, because they evolved around the threat of emotional blackmail from my Mother.  I learned and adapted with the idea that if I desire to be free of this emotional torment I have to accept that no matter what I do, failure is inevitable, and I will disappoint those who become intimate with me.  And the more I accepted it, the more it became a self-fulfilling prophecy.

But I did hunger for freedom, or rather escape, which is the closest thing to freedom I could imagine.  I became willing to risk this inevitable failure.  I focused in on a coping mechanism that my Mother used to brave the demons of being an adult child of an alcoholic.  “I can try this, and if I fail, I can always kill myself.”  As a result of this courage forged out of embracing suicide as an option, she lived a powerful life against some extraordinary odds. 

But my Father said that he would not commit suicide and would rather opt for riding the Red Horse, meaning he would rather find some final glory in a blaze of violence.  We watched sacred, iconic movie presentations together such as the Godfather series, a movie on Lucky Luciano, a book on the Valachi Papers, the movie series Shogun.  My Father, when he was frustrated with my continued procrastinations and PT failures, said that you just have to get out there and do it.  And then he said something along the lines of, “Everything I have ever done has been for my family.”  He later told me that his Mother had said something along those lines.  And then I saw this quote by Tommy Gambino, “Me I never had the chance to say, Well, I’m going to do something I want to do.  I always did if for my family, for my children, for my father, for my mother.”  This is the gist of what I got from Dad that feeds into the development of these ideas. 

I developed the feeling that there was no getting out of the family and its demands.  Not really.  There was always some phantom hitman waiting for those who dared.  I knew that if my failures were exposed, what was left of my honor demanded my death.

Jesus once said that he who lived by the sword must die by it.  I saw in the final movie of the Godfather series that there are far worse ways to die, than by the sword. 

There is so much more I could talk about here.  The profound effect on my own parenting, to attempt to ensure that my children knew they had succeeded in my eyes, that they had intrinsic value that I recognized.  I could also talk about the lurking voice of the Assassin in my inner council.  The voice that terrifies me to my core and remains to enforce that call for self-termination, if I lack the courage to do so.  I could talk about why my creative voice took his day out and went on a Dead Tree quest, or visited Mom’s grave.  I could talk about my hypersensitivity to criticism, or my abhorrence of what I perceive to be agents of social control.  But that is probably all a distraction to my purpose here.

The two ideas on failure would better be expressed as;

~ If I desire to be free of emotional blackmail and manipulation, I must accept that failure is inevitable and I will disappoint those who become intimate, who get close to me.

~ If my failure is exposed, what is left of my honor demands my death.

I believe these ideas are fundamental and lethal.  I live with this suppressed terror every day.  For me it is real.  God, please help me.

“Why did you first start compartmentalizing?…that would be a worthwhile meditation, to understand what first led you to start doing that.” 

This was brought up by the guide.  I have spent time on this and have not been able to find any deep, sinister memory in my past that warrants me opting for this means of coping.  I remember that role-playing as a child was a favorite amusement, that I first began using a role-playing system as a means of having a parallel reality when I entered school.  I was a sensitive child who was taught to distrust outsiders over the years.  My public education was very painful for me.  And the more detached I became, the more painful, the more the system was needed.  

My primary concern with this approach to coping is that, even though I have remained co-conscience for the most part, particularly stressful times will challenge me to remain in contact with the interactive reality.  I have read some material that also talks about the survivor use of the system breaking down as they get older, often time requiring hospitalization and special treatment.  But that was for Dissociative Identity Disorder where co-consciensness is lost. 

I am getting older and I feel the system becoming a cumbersome feature of my life.  The term for treatment I am reading, and prefer, is teamwork, that attempts to get the various alternates to work as a team.  I hate the thought of reintegration.  If the many could become one without the loss of the many, maybe.  I have tried to go through a process of exorcism before, and it does not work for me. 

The team work option is done through counseling and contracts, that ALL members must agree to, or the system will find a loophole around it.  I currently have nine alternates, one of which is the core.  And one alternate, not the core, has predominance.  But an argument has erupted between he and one that is our truly creative voice, because of conflicts in our interaction with women, respect for the lifestyle protocol, and such.  It has now gone beyond the events in question, and has become a back and forth about the vision of the future the two of them hunger for.  It’s a mess.

I have prayed about this, and will attempt to make a contract that is witnessed and officiated by my Father.  All members of the inner council respect him.  Hopefully, it will be something that helps us through the coming years to function as a team. 

The fourth step work that I am to continue with is to take another look at each of the obsessive ideas in question and see if they are fundamental or if there are any undiscovered ideas supporting them.  If so then I need to go on to step five and talk about it with someone.  He challenged the veracity of the two ideas that have to do with failure, because if they were true, would I not keep my children far away from myself?  So I will do that, and then read the section in the 12 & 12 on steps six and seven.

There are two things that the guide said that I would like to remember from this last session.  One was that Facts are our Friends.  When looking over the validity or power of an idea, look at the facts. 

The second is that when we pray, when we send out a petition into the universe, Gomu initiates a process as the answer.  We tend to look at our prayers as trips to a vending machine.  God cannot be milked like a cow.

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I prayed and I have to avoid complexities like a detailed contract.  That sort of thing will bog me down and distract me.  I am really rather dependant on the intuitive guidance and authority of my Higher Power.

“Did you do your taxes?”

My apartment is dark, and my Father sits in his central place on the couch.  It took everything for me to get up out of my sacred Den where I go to seek spiritual contact.  Today, it was a protective womb, a private cell to hide my inner collapse.  The only place where the lights are on is in my daughter’s room.  She is happy.  Visiting with a friend.  Thank God.  I sent up a pitiful plea to just get up and be.  My submissive sends a text reaching out, sending love to her extended family.  I use the stark intrusion of my cell phone’s ring to move.  I asses my environment.  I join my Father on the couch in hopes of a real conversation.  The question he asks is simple, but filled with implications of my own personal impotence, the ultimate disappoint he must feel in seeing me flounder about.  No, of course I have not done the taxes.  Of course, I am late, even though I have had all the time in the world. 

So I leave the couch to come here, to write.  Writing seems to be the only thing in my life that gives me a safe place, a solid hold on a shifting world, a world that moves like a boa to suffocate me.  If I sit still too long it will find me.  It will take me.

Cannot…stay…in…this…place.

My Father made some surface comment about the prospect of my daughter getting a job.  We are unable to connect.  He is trying to be polite.  He has been sleeping a lot today.  He is probably depressed himself.  I get up from my place beside him.  And come to you, oh blank screen.  And I feel him walk past me, return to his room, and to the solace of his bed. 

My daughter and her friend want food.  I have been a dud for them today.  And they are oblivious to my unfolding death.  A saving grace.

I had a conversation with my guide today.  It was good and seemed productive.  I have work to do.  I have learned that “Facts are my Friend.”  I have learned that co-dendency will keep me from seeing the truth.  He challenged whether I was actually invested in the useless ideas concerning Failure, since I keep drawing my children close to me.  Why would I do that if I was certain of my failure?  He has zeroed in on the fact that being a parent is the one thing I feel I have done right.  He uses that fact to keep me commented to this world.  And to this process.  I am trying.  I will try.

I have hungry girls depending on me.  Deep breath.  Get up Trinity, just get up.

Am I being foolish?  I am sober, must count for something.  Will I ever feel sane?

There is something going on.  Stripped of my usual self-expression, I am like a shy little child inside.  I feel that the eye of God is moving over me.  I went to two meetings today, and it was suggested that I also attend a business meeting, get involved.  I took the suggestion.  I ended up on an exploratory team to find profitable events for fund-raising for the CA convention this August. I was also able to talk with someone who was smarting from a recent relapse which helped me to feel useful, and I was able to meet with the one currently sponsoring me through the steps.  He said that it is inevitable that I will lose perspective, and that is why I contact others in the network who will help me bring my perspective back in tune with reality. 

In the course of these activities, I received texts from three different people indicating that I was giving them blank checks in communication, that they were being somewhat hurt by my silence.  But I am truly at a loss.  My core is just out there in the open. 

I had a momentary thought of drinking.  I couldn’t believe it.  I prayed, and intuitively heard that drinking was an option, and I pretty much knew how that would go.  Another option was just to continue to trust and draw from God in spite of my co-dependant relationship with the Higher Power.  I chose the latter, and the obsession vanished. 

I find myself looking at all my relationships, and I wonder if my co-dependency produced such a delusive power that its absence is going to require me to rebuild on a new basis?  I fear that if I retreat to the familiar ways, I will lose access to the new world that might be opening up.  I have no clue how or when I am going to be out of this limbo.  So I am trying to move carefully and not just slide back into well-worn ruts.

I am fearfully hopeful.

From Endigar 277;

~ My failure is inevitable.  Thus I will disappoint all those who are close to me, eventually.  I respond to this idea with a strong need to withdraw and hide.  I procrastinate.  I fall into incapacitating depression.  There is a possible new idea that Gomu (God of my understanding) may be replacing this one with; Success is inevitable when I grab hold of those things that are apart of my purpose, my path.  Failure is inevitable when I refuse to let go of those things that are not apart of my destiny.

~ If I fail, I deserve to die.  What remains of my honor demands it.  Is there no hope for escape?  The fear this idea engenders creates a last-minute panic on the tasks I have accumulated through procrastination.

~ You must hate yourself to love another.  The depth of effective love is measured in the level of self-hatred you can embody.  This causes me to resist the natural growth of relationships, or If I desire for the relationship to grow, I prepare myself for absolute martyrdom.  It has a corrosive effect on trust.  Freedom becomes escape from commitments in love.  In discussion with the Moon Shadow guide, we discovered that I don’t believe that empathy is weakness, but, my empathy and compassion makes me weak and vulnerable.  Another idea revealed in the Moonlight;  There may be only one answer to this dilemma and that is to become a predator.  The Moon Shadow guide also said that he believed I was mistaking co-dependency for compassion. 

These three ideas seem to be related to one another.  The last one speaks to the warped thinking that comes from a well indoctrinated co-dependency, and the top two where developed to support the demands of assuming god-like responsibilities for lives of others in my intimate environment.  There is no doubt in my mind that this gets to the root of my useless ideas.  There is no doubt in my mind that I am powerless to extinguish, modify, or minimize it.  And I am very certain that it makes my life a chaotic hell. 

And if I believe that the only way to love others is to hate me, imagine the effect that has on my relationship with God.  If loving God means that I am to become a martyr, imagine what service work will feel like.  No wonder I get depressed after speaking, or doing anything remotely selfless and spiritual.  I am supposed to hate myself.  And if I feel that I have failed and disappointed God and everyone close to me, no wonder I walk around with a feeling that I am not supposed to be here.  I should be dead.  I am not and therefore I am wrong.  So the following ideas about God probably find their root in the deep-seated co-dependency revealed above.

~ God is not interested in me, only in controlling me for his own purposes, to protect his distant control on the human species.   This idea is not useful to recovery or spiritual development.  The band-aid solution I created for it is that I am willing to be apart of God’s conspiracy because of my own philosophy of the benefits of manifested personal mythology.  I enlist in his cause to empower humans, not just control them.  I do not surrender if I become aware the elements of “loving” are the elements of ultimate suppression.  For the most part, my current understanding of the God conspiracy passes for what we human’s perceive as loving, that is personal empowerment.  But this is tentative and not useful to long-term sobriety.

~ God wants to control me for his purposes, wants me to be his sissy whore.  He uses my heart’s desires against me.  He has no desire for my ultimate success, only my advancement to control others.  When this idea rises, I feel that I am in such a predicament that I cannot trust my mind, my perception, my environment.  Nothing is real, because it is temporary.  This idea causes me to fear going crazy, and fuels a desire to lash out at God and his agents, his men in black, his mafia. 

~ If I get out of line, God has a kill switch to amplify my lusts and natural desires to consume me, or, if I am able to overcome that, God can use my disconnected strength to turn me into a predator. This line of thinking cause me to see the parable of the talents in a different light.  I see the demonization of masculine energy.  Atheism is used to push me into life as a predator.  Agnosticism could be a self-protective delusion. 

So, at Oak Mountain, I turned the care and direction of my co-dependent life over to Gomu.  (God of my understanding).  I have done my individual work and now I continue on with the steps, and that means I will need to establish a 4th / 5th step discussion with the guide He has designated for me.