Daily Reprieve

“Why did you first start compartmentalizing?…that would be a worthwhile meditation, to understand what first led you to start doing that.” 

This was brought up by the guide.  I have spent time on this and have not been able to find any deep, sinister memory in my past that warrants me opting for this means of coping.  I remember that role-playing as a child was a favorite amusement, that I first began using a role-playing system as a means of having a parallel reality when I entered school.  I was a sensitive child who was taught to distrust outsiders over the years.  My public education was very painful for me.  And the more detached I became, the more painful, the more the system was needed.  

My primary concern with this approach to coping is that, even though I have remained co-conscience for the most part, particularly stressful times will challenge me to remain in contact with the interactive reality.  I have read some material that also talks about the survivor use of the system breaking down as they get older, often time requiring hospitalization and special treatment.  But that was for Dissociative Identity Disorder where co-consciensness is lost. 

I am getting older and I feel the system becoming a cumbersome feature of my life.  The term for treatment I am reading, and prefer, is teamwork, that attempts to get the various alternates to work as a team.  I hate the thought of reintegration.  If the many could become one without the loss of the many, maybe.  I have tried to go through a process of exorcism before, and it does not work for me. 

The team work option is done through counseling and contracts, that ALL members must agree to, or the system will find a loophole around it.  I currently have nine alternates, one of which is the core.  And one alternate, not the core, has predominance.  But an argument has erupted between he and one that is our truly creative voice, because of conflicts in our interaction with women, respect for the lifestyle protocol, and such.  It has now gone beyond the events in question, and has become a back and forth about the vision of the future the two of them hunger for.  It’s a mess.

I have prayed about this, and will attempt to make a contract that is witnessed and officiated by my Father.  All members of the inner council respect him.  Hopefully, it will be something that helps us through the coming years to function as a team. 

The fourth step work that I am to continue with is to take another look at each of the obsessive ideas in question and see if they are fundamental or if there are any undiscovered ideas supporting them.  If so then I need to go on to step five and talk about it with someone.  He challenged the veracity of the two ideas that have to do with failure, because if they were true, would I not keep my children far away from myself?  So I will do that, and then read the section in the 12 & 12 on steps six and seven.

There are two things that the guide said that I would like to remember from this last session.  One was that Facts are our Friends.  When looking over the validity or power of an idea, look at the facts. 

The second is that when we pray, when we send out a petition into the universe, Gomu initiates a process as the answer.  We tend to look at our prayers as trips to a vending machine.  God cannot be milked like a cow.

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I prayed and I have to avoid complexities like a detailed contract.  That sort of thing will bog me down and distract me.  I am really rather dependant on the intuitive guidance and authority of my Higher Power.

This entry was posted on April 18, 2011 at 9:50 pm and is filed under Uncategorized with tags Addiction, Alcoholism, Journal, Life, Personal, Recovery, Spirituality. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.