Endigar 289
I talked with the guide about the Tao and my pursuit of growth and enlightenment concerning natural balance and the interplay of masculine and feminine energy. I told him the books that I am currently reading, and he suggested one other; “The Tao of Leadership,” and I googled it and found such a book written by John Heider.
The summarization of the ideas I have identified as useless and harmful to my life can be simply listed as:
1. God is a manipulator (A co-dependant assertion, a family of origin adaption)
2. In order to love others, you must hate yourself (confusing compassion and empathy with co-dependency)
3. I lack potency. (Public school peer interaction in conjunction with distrust of outsiders)
4. I am bound by family icons of devotion, resulting in the two statements on failure. Outside the family, inevitable and lethal.
An important first lesson that I am to remember is that, CO-DEPENDENCY CAUSES YOU TO FORGET FACTS. And facts are our friends.
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In the first step, I evaluate whether I am truly powerless over the idea, and if it makes my life unmanageable. I have done this with these ideas. They are both.
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The second step requires three things.
– The first is that I believe the idea I possess is insane.
– Next, I cannot or believe that I cannot restore myself to sanity.
– Finally, I can answer affirmatively the following question; “Do I now or am I willing to believe that a Power greater than myself can restore me to sanity with respect to each of these ideas.”
Sanity is defined as the removal of the idea, the obsession being arrested to the point of being undetectable. Progress is defined as gaining territory and keeping it. It is not an acceptance of back and forth struggles, and a life of trudging.
I am in agreement on all three points.
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The third step is a decision to utilize the connection with the Higher Power through the 12 step program with the exclusion of all. I think the point here was that there needs to be a single-minded devotion to the steps, that it is easy to be distracted.
There was some discussion about the difference between an Answer and Enlightenment. An answer is the rendering of a fact to an inquiry. What is my problem? The answer is, Alcohol. But that does not give me a solution. The solution is found in Enlightenment, which is the answer in context of the process, I think he said.
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We talked about the fourth and fifth steps as applied to these ideas. The guide said I should not get bogged down with this, that I am simply trying to confirm that these ideas are fundamental, that they are not being supported by some other idea. Identifying this will prevent me from cutting at the branch and put the focus on root issues. If I discover an idea that is more fundamental, then I need to talk to someone about it. But it shouldn’t take much time.
I think my review of the two ideas on failure are a more clear restatement, and that the ideas are still fundamental. It appears that I am able to move on. I will fire of a text to insure such.
TEXT HAS BEEN SENT.
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The guide suggested that I read the section in the 12 & 12 on steps six and seven before doing them. He said that it is important to know that I am entirely ready to let go of the idea. I need to ask myself, what do I get out of the idea and can I live without those rewards? Once I can truly answer yes, then I move on to step seven.
In step seven, I humbly ask once and mean it. If I find myself having to ask over and over again, it means that I was not ready to let go of the idea. I must remember that when I ask humbly, the Higher Power answers by initiating a process, not providing a fix. This is not like going to a candy vending machine.
The guide also discussed with me the difference between Faith and Belief. He gave me a visual of a series of islands connected by a network of bridges. Faith is the bridge that is taking you somewhere. It has a focus. The island is the place we wanted to be, it is the Belief. The process that Faith takes us through earns us experience that confirms Belief.
IN READING THE 12 & 12 ON STEP SIX, I AM DISCOURAGED. TALK OF PERFECTION SOUNDS LIKE A SQUASHING OF INDIVIDUALITY. THE RELIGIOUS OVERTONES CAUSE ME TO HACKLE. I CANNOT EVEN SEEM TO READ THIS AND I AM CONFRONTED WITH THE IDEA THAT GOD IS A MANIPULATOR. HOW AM I GOING TO TRUST A HIGHER POWER TO RESTORE ME TO SANITY WHEN I BATTLE WITH TRUSTING THAT HIGHER POWER. GOMU, PLEASE HELP ME.
THEN I READ THE 12 & 12 ON STEP SEVEN AND I AM CONFRONTED WITH HUMILITY. I AM CONFRONTED WITH THE ACCUSATIONS, THE BLAMING OF OTHERS THAT ARE APART OF MY OBSESSIVE IDEAS. THESE IDEAS ARE NO LONGER MY PARENT’S IDEAS, NOR MY PEERS, NOR THE CHURCH’S. THEY ARE MY IDEAS, MY REACTIONS, MY ARMOR, AND IT IS KILLING ME. WHATEVER PERFECTION IS, IT IS SOMETHING OTHER THAN THESE IDEAS I HAVE CARRIED AND TRIED TO MAKE WORK.
MY GRATITUDE TO GOMU. I AM SURPRISED THAT MY PERSPECTIVE SHIFTED SO QUICKLY.
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Steps eight and nine are done with guidance.
In step eight, I would make a list of all the people I have hurt because of a particular idea.
In step nine, and in discussion with the guide, we may conclude that it would be more harmful to the other people to engage them in a discussion of how an idea hurt them, or it might be more confusing to them. So we discuss amends that need to be made to people, places, or things where appropriate.
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There was some discussion about the Lakota belief in the greater potency of a wounded healer. I don’t remember where this fits in here, but the guide recommended a book called Seven Arrows as a good read. I think I will head out to Brains & Noodles tomorrow and see if they have it in stock. My daughter might also be interested.
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Step ten is where I will enter into the “Observe without Judgment” phase. He said that the Big Book actually gives eleven tasks associated with accomplishing this step. But he went over three with me.
~ When a particular idea manifests in my previously identified short-comings, I am to pray. This is my acknowledgement of my power source.
~ Talk to someone in order to regain perspective.
~ Resolutely turn to someone else to help, which puts a check on the momentum of self-centeredness.
I am to learn to observe without judgement, to become well armed with the facts about how this idea functions in my life, what do I get out of it? Is this true? Step one is revisited. Facts are our friends. We must develop a factual based perspective.
A trick of this step is that it dissociates our ego from the performance of the idea. We become less invested in it.
As we become armed with the facts of how this idea functions, we become better equipped to help others. But regardless of where we are in the process, we can always offer the truth that we are not alone.
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In step eleven, the guide said that there is only one prayer, and that is pretty much all he prays now. I failed to take many notes here, because I got caught up in listening.
He said this is where the Tao comes in as well, because we learn to be open and listen.
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In step twelve, the guide gave this warning; NEVER, EVER, EVER, Go in uninvited. It is attraction rather than promotion. As soon as you get it, give it away. That is a spiritual maxim for truly gaining power. And it is important to gain true humility, and not to strut around like you have arrived.
Daily Reprieve 
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