Endigar 291

The only reward I can identify in surrendering to the idea that God is a manipulator is a limited dose of freedom, that is freedom defined as escape from social control. 

So is it true?  I must remember that facts are my friends. 

My experience with Christianity left me with great bonds of guilt, ideals of purity and perfection that I could never attain.  This guilt led me to pretend to be something else, something more socially acceptable.  It taught me to hide deep within myself, to take refuge in the shadow of my own image.  It was the image that was loved and accepted, not me.  If I was exposed, I would be rejected. 

Once I began to hold God accountable for his demands upon my life, with inadequate communication, once I pointed out and realized that the best I could hope for from God was to be ignored, I was free to take charge of my own life. 

Is it true that I escaped social control?  Is it true that I escaped repression?  Is it true that holding on to such an idea keeps me free from my program being hijacked by agents of social and behavioral control? 

Or is this idea preventing me from connecting with a power greater than myself, a very real entity that works in conjunction with my own desire for freedom?

I am not willing to give up this freedom to embrace a slavery of my mind.  But I am willing to relinquish for an even greater freedom.  Perspective fading.  Futility fog rolling in.

———————————————

I don’ t mean to be argumentative,  just trying to be thorough.  I am willing to dig deep to gain a more durable sobriety.

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