Daily Reprieve

Trusting my Higher Power with the financial care of my life has been a big leap for me.  A lot of magic has occurred since last I made that confession.  I served out a two week notice at my job without insuring that I have something waiting for me when the Walmart paycheck stops.  That is a violation of money morality.  Shame on me.  How irresponsible.

But I remember what it was like to cling to a job when my heart no longer supports the effort.  The money was too good.  The location perfect.  I began to chant the mantra that “A man’s gotta do what a man’s gotta do, no matter what.”  I turned to alcohol to empower me to work beyond the growing void of my heart.  It ended in pure humiliation and almost guaranteed my self-destruction. 

So, I really can’t be bothered too much by what the money morality police say.  I must be true to myself.  I was staying with a recovery job longer than I needed to.  It was time to move on.  So I made amends to myself, after I made amends to the co-workers I chewed up for being in the wrong place as my disease began manifesting through my short-comings. 

I was at peace with the decision and was encouraged because the State of Alabama had interviewed me for an IT operator’s position.

Then, I served my last day and was given an opportunity to take my daughter out with a friend and his daughter to the State Fair without paying a dime.  We were free to ride everything.  And riding the rides at amusement parks have become a metaphor for facing fears. 

I sought out my Higher Power.  I received intuitive inspiration that, since I had a new employer according to the Big Book of AA, I was to treat that as an absolute reality.  I was not unemployed, but had just walked into a full time job with the Higher Power.  I was to focus in on recovery related tasks, with around 3 hours of reading and around 6 hours of connecting.  The day was to begin with the 3rd and 7th step prayers, and seeking a 24 hour plan for the day.  It was to end with a review of the day, staying alert to where my disease might be trying to kill me.  How can I improve my life on a day to day basis? 

I drew circles with paintbrush on the computer to keep track of my activities, as if I were at a job.  I gave the completed days to my Higher Power in the process of review.  I have definitely not been perfect, but it motivates me, and activity seems to override fear.

Apart of my personal amends to the US Government, and the Military, was to offer my services once more, this time very much sober.  We are at war.  I have a lot of experience.  I have gained much as a service member.  How can I pay back the American people, and the US Government that I love so much. 

I gathered together and organized my records.  I created a portfolio of sorts, so that I could go to the recruiter and negotiate my return to service.  To say that I was nervous is an understatement.  But I entered the door and presented myself for service.

When I walked back out, my head was spinning.  It appears that I am on my way to San Antonio, Texas to go to medical training at Fort Sam Houston, maybe within a matter of weeks.  I am able to keep my rank.  The training will probably be a year or so.  I will be return to the Army Reserve so that I can re-serve.  I am getting a do over. 

My sponsor warned me that I will blow it again if I do not take proactive measures to insure I have contact with the recovery community in Texas, and find a sponsor in the home of the Alamo. 

I entered the military as an 18 year old on my first plain flight.  I was destined for Lackland AFB in San Antonio and now it appears that I am being allowed to close the circle by returning to this same place almost 30 years later. 

I know, I have to watch out for expectations that can set me up for resentments.  No contracts have been signed yet.  But I am pretty sure this is going to happen.  If not, I will attempt to remember that “acceptance is the answer to all my problems today.” (Page 417 BB).

Earlier in my recovery, I wrote an inverted paraphrase of the 12 steps.  It is the page entitled, “The 12 Steps of Addiction.”  It was inspired by one thought that seemed valid at the time.  In reality, I am and have always been working a program of self-improvement.  That was the thought; whether I was drunk or sober, I had been working a program.  Before I entered the 12 step program of recovery, I was working a program of alcoholic integration and chemical empowerment.  I recognized the hard work I had invested in making the alcoholic oblivion work for me.  I needed to be able socialize with confidence.  At times, I needed a little bit of extra social courage.  Alcohol would do that for me.  I needed to be able to get over intense emotional pain or I was going to off myself.  Alcohol did that for me.  I needed to free myself to attempt more creative boldness.  Alcohol did that for me.  But it was like Frodo’s use of the Ring.  It was short term empowerment with long term costs.  In order to make alcoholism work for me, I had to find ways to minimize the impact of the consequences I was experiencing.  I had to find a way to deceive myself on a regular basis.  That is hard work.  The inverted paraphrase outlined pretty accurately for me the work that I would have to invest in order to make the alcoholic booster shot a viable solution.  But I did not realize that there is a point of diminishing returns with the progression of the disease.  I also did not realize that what I learned under the influenced seemed to remain hidden in a pocket of my brain that I could not access without alcohol.  So if I learned something to enhance some element of my creativity while I was drunk, I had to be drunk to access and use it again. 

The 12 Steps of Recovery have allowed me the opportunity to deal with emotional pain rather than hide from it.  I am also learning to express myself creatively, without passing out during the process.  And what I learn stays with me.  And I am beginning to love who I am, and this gives me a lifestyle of social confidence rather than flurries of social bravado.  When I talk to someone on a real level, I remember what I talked about the next day.  This allows me to build relationships. 

If alcohol or drugs works for you, I am not here to judge you.  I don’t want to change you.  If you find that you are experiencing diminishing  results and overwhelming consequences, I understand that as well.  Be true to yourself.  I am being true to myself, and honest with you, when I tell you that I enjoy being sober and learning how to get what I got back then, and KEEPING IT.

I am supposed to develop the habit of reviewing my day prior to surrendering to the slumber slut (I prefer that image over being visited by the sandman). 

“When we retire at night, we constructively review our day.  Were we resentful, selfish, dishonest or AFRAID?  Do we owe an apology?  Have we kept something to ourselves which should be discussed with another person at once?  Were we kind and loving toward all?  What could we have done better?  Were we thinking of ourselves most of the time?  Or were we thinking of what we could do for others, of what we could pack into the stream of life?  But we must be careful not to drift into worry, remorse, or morbid reflection, for that would diminish our usefulness to others.  After making our review we ask God’s forgiveness and inquire what corrective measures should be taken.” – page 85 Big Book

My sponsor said he heard someone in a meeting say that this is basically asking “How did my disease try to kill me today?”

I carry a fear that I will be misunderstood.  And that misunderstanding will disappoint.  And the disappointment will rob me of any attempt to clarify.  And I will be alone, quietly shunned, eventually by all have who truly known me.  Or that the misunderstanding will create expectations of me that I cannot possibly fulfill, and then I will be seen as a repulsive fake. 

I shared in the meeting tonight about the wonderful unity of people who normally would not mix.  Was I too frivolous?  I said hello to a new female insuring that she felt received after risking opening up.  Did she think I was marking territory?  Was I?  Did I seem perverted?  Did she perceive me as a threat?  I laid out expectations to My slave.  Did I inadvertently strike at the core of who she is?  Will she still love and worship me in the morning?  I was impatient with sponsee one rather than relating to where he was at.  Did that flaw in my sponsorship shine through?  Did I just create a dangling participle for those of you who are reading to discard everything due to a lack of grammatical integrity?

What a ball of shit to carry around.  I want to drink so that I do not have to feel that fear.  I want to become comfortably numb.

The 4th Step prayer dealing with Fear on Page 68:

“The verdict through the ages is that faith means courage.  All men of faith have courage.  They trust their God.  We never apologize for God.  Instead we let Him demonstrate, through us, what He can do.  We ask Him to remove our fear and direct our attention to what He would have us be.  At once, we commence to outgrow fear.”

The Efficiency prayer on the bottom of Page 87:

“As we go through the day we pause, when agitated or doubtful, and ask for the right thought or action.  We constantly remind ourselves we are no longer running the show, humbly saying to ourselves many times each day ‘Thy will be done.’  We are then in much less danger of excitement, fear, anger, worry, self-pity, or foolish decisions.  We become much more efficient.  We do not tire so easily, for we are not burning up energy foolishly as we did when we were trying to arrange life to suit ourselves.  It works – it really does.”

I have no control over what others think of me.  I have impact, but not control.  And when its time to walk the dog, it really doesn’t matter what others think or how well they understand.  Listen to me, voices in my head!  I am not the Higher Power.  I am not my own source!  Something out there is working on me.  Something out there wanted me to exist at this moment and time, to unfold and live and express me.  I am one of the inevitabilities of the universe.  I think the Higher Power just told you to talk to the hand.

Please slumber slut, take me away, before I truly embarrass myself.

Under intuitive inspiration I forged out a 3rd step prayer that I could honestly offer to the Higher Power, and still be true to myself.  I had to paraphrase what was in the book, because the book’s version was too religious for me.  My paraphrase ended with the phrase, “Thank-you for one more apple to eat, a bite at a time.”  I really found that curious, sense I am not much of an apple eater.  I like them.  Just don’t seek them out that often. 

I was watching the movie “Phenomena” with John Travolta a few days ago.  John was trying to comfort a couple of children about his upcoming death.  He had an apple in his hand and after taking a bite said that if he dropped that apple on the ground, it would rot, waste away.  Something of the sort.  Then he said that if you took a bite of the apple, it becomes apart of you.  He encouraged them to take a bite.  The little girl did so.  But the little boy could not release his hurt at the thought of losing someone again.  Then John told him, “Everything is going somewhere, everything.”  And the boy took the bite. 

There have been so many times that I have been given a fresh new apple by the universe, by this Higher Power that loves my existence, and I just let it drop to the ground.  I want to recognize each day as a fresh new gift, and learn to live in the moment of each bite, make it apart of me.

I have never successfully trusted my Higher Power in the financial arena, and I am afraid to do so now.  But I haven’t done such a good job at it myself.  Alcohol isn’t the only thing that makes me powerless.  The pursuit of money also strips me of the power to control my environ and it becomes a taskmaster over me, issuing its own code of morality.  I must be loyal to a company that doesn’t give a damn about me as a person.  Or I must spend my mental resources researching and perfecting financial skills even if that has nothing to do with the passions of my life.  And it doesn’t.  I am not a businessman.  I am creative and idealistic.  Yet I must put on a Richard Simmons smile and I must demonstrate that I am a good cog for the machine. 

If I succeed at marketing myself, I fail at being myself.  I am trapped, unless…

Step One:  We admitted we were powerless over money – that our lives had become unmanageable.

Step Two:  Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to capitalistic sanity.

Step Three:  Made a decision to turn our financial will and our economic lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.

Step Four:  Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of financial lives.

Step Five:  Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.

And thus the Higher Power has another cycle of empowering the powerless one.  Of transforming a victim into a victor.

I try to remember that my Higher Power has helped me to stay sober for over a year now.  Surely this God of my understanding will not turn from me now.  But I am afraid that my expectations will turn to resentments and unravel me.

This appears to be the next step for me.  If I cannot trust my Higher Power here, how can I turn my life over to Him-She – It?  So, I surrender.  I have come face to face with powerlessness once more.  In that surrender, I can relax.

3rd Step Promises on Page 63:

“When we sincerely took such a position, all sorts of remarkable things followed.  We had a new Employer.  Being all powerful, He provided what we needed, if we kept close to Him and performed His work well.  Established on such a footing we became less and less interested in ourselves, our little plans and designs.  More and more we became interested in seeing what we could contribute to life.  As we felt new power flow in, as we enjoyed peace of mind, as we discovered we could face life successfully, as we became conscious of His presence, we began to lose our fear of today, tomorrow or the hereafter.  We were reborn.”

I love being able to live out my Dominant inclanations without guilt or the fear of witchhunts.  And finding a peaceful cohabitation with this program’s demands for self examination, with a religious hunger for self-efacement can be a very challenging balance to achieve.  But the reality that sobriety is like a glass jar that holds everything I value in it has driven me forward.  This time last year, I was in a treatment facility for the second time missing the very special birthday of my slave.  We were debating whether I should release her.  And I was bracing myself for this possible consequence.  But the dynamic has powerfully bound us together, and another reality surfaced.  If I go down, I will take my slave with me.  This shattered any thought that I could crawl off into a hole somewhere and be forgotten while I self destructed.  it was always a delusion, but this really brought it home for me.  Her birthday approaches, and I am here.  I am sober.  And I am Dominant over her.  Self-enthronement will kill me and leave its aftershocks of destruction ever after.  But self-manifestation, that which is strong and rewarding about me, must manifest.  I was not built for a sobriety monastery.  The sabbath was made for the man, not man for the sabbath.  So I’ve heard.

“Acceptance is the answer to all my problems today.”  From page 417 of the Big Book.  It was prescribed to me in my first time through treatment.  I have acceptance issues.  I found many situations unacceptable in my life.  It was a declaration that I would not release the impossible to change category into that category.  I might still be able to undo this and make it closer to the way it is supposed to be.  The text goes on to say, “When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing, or situation – some FACT OF MY LIFE – unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing, or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment.” 

I am going to go to several military recruiters initually, following my intuitive understanding, and continue to knock on the door of opportunity.  Will it be answered by civilian or military officials?  I have impact, but I do not have control on how that impact will play out.  Letting go is a difficult process for me.  Going to bed and accepting that the day is OVER.  I cannot do anything else.  Slow down emotional responses if I cannot stop them altogether.  Become alert to the flow of things, move with them, grasshopper.  OK, goodnight.

Well, sponsee number two fired me tonight.  He said that he just wanted to let me know that he got a new sponsor and that the reason he hadn’t been calling me is not because he had gone back out.  I think he felt that I was neglecting him, not staying in contact as I should.  I was having problems with going to that Celebrate Recovery group.  My own personal baggage.  I was obviously taken aback, but I caught myself  to assure him that he was doing the right thing to realign himself with someone new if he felt he wasn’t getting what he wanted from me.  Yet I truly felt that he was attempting to control me, to judge me.  I guess I should talk to my sponsor about this.  I bought a book on sponsorship.  All I can do is work on my side of the street and do my best to improve.

I have updated the “Quips & Quotes” page.  I am still feeling a little woozy from this virus.  But it is definitely in remission.

I picked up a stomach virus, with all the wonderful symptoms of flu.  My sick mind reverts back to some of my old religious perspectives and I begin to wonder what I am being judged for.  Then comes the dark feeling of being absolutely alone.  I am judged and ignored, left to live out a tragic comedy for the royal assemblage in heaven.  Where the hell does this crap come from!  It took some work to get out of it.  Sponsee 2 called and left a message.  “I heard that you have gotten that stomach flu that everyone is coming down with.”  I am not being picked on.  And it is giving me some much needed time off from work to get my military records together.  To focus on life beyond Wal-mart.  My Higher Power may be working on a re-integration program.  Getting me back into life.  Either way, I really do have acceptance issues.