Endigar 90

I am supposed to develop the habit of reviewing my day prior to surrendering to the slumber slut (I prefer that image over being visited by the sandman). 

“When we retire at night, we constructively review our day.  Were we resentful, selfish, dishonest or AFRAID?  Do we owe an apology?  Have we kept something to ourselves which should be discussed with another person at once?  Were we kind and loving toward all?  What could we have done better?  Were we thinking of ourselves most of the time?  Or were we thinking of what we could do for others, of what we could pack into the stream of life?  But we must be careful not to drift into worry, remorse, or morbid reflection, for that would diminish our usefulness to others.  After making our review we ask God’s forgiveness and inquire what corrective measures should be taken.” – page 85 Big Book

My sponsor said he heard someone in a meeting say that this is basically asking “How did my disease try to kill me today?”

I carry a fear that I will be misunderstood.  And that misunderstanding will disappoint.  And the disappointment will rob me of any attempt to clarify.  And I will be alone, quietly shunned, eventually by all have who truly known me.  Or that the misunderstanding will create expectations of me that I cannot possibly fulfill, and then I will be seen as a repulsive fake. 

I shared in the meeting tonight about the wonderful unity of people who normally would not mix.  Was I too frivolous?  I said hello to a new female insuring that she felt received after risking opening up.  Did she think I was marking territory?  Was I?  Did I seem perverted?  Did she perceive me as a threat?  I laid out expectations to My slave.  Did I inadvertently strike at the core of who she is?  Will she still love and worship me in the morning?  I was impatient with sponsee one rather than relating to where he was at.  Did that flaw in my sponsorship shine through?  Did I just create a dangling participle for those of you who are reading to discard everything due to a lack of grammatical integrity?

What a ball of shit to carry around.  I want to drink so that I do not have to feel that fear.  I want to become comfortably numb.

The 4th Step prayer dealing with Fear on Page 68:

“The verdict through the ages is that faith means courage.  All men of faith have courage.  They trust their God.  We never apologize for God.  Instead we let Him demonstrate, through us, what He can do.  We ask Him to remove our fear and direct our attention to what He would have us be.  At once, we commence to outgrow fear.”

The Efficiency prayer on the bottom of Page 87:

“As we go through the day we pause, when agitated or doubtful, and ask for the right thought or action.  We constantly remind ourselves we are no longer running the show, humbly saying to ourselves many times each day ‘Thy will be done.’  We are then in much less danger of excitement, fear, anger, worry, self-pity, or foolish decisions.  We become much more efficient.  We do not tire so easily, for we are not burning up energy foolishly as we did when we were trying to arrange life to suit ourselves.  It works – it really does.”

I have no control over what others think of me.  I have impact, but not control.  And when its time to walk the dog, it really doesn’t matter what others think or how well they understand.  Listen to me, voices in my head!  I am not the Higher Power.  I am not my own source!  Something out there is working on me.  Something out there wanted me to exist at this moment and time, to unfold and live and express me.  I am one of the inevitabilities of the universe.  I think the Higher Power just told you to talk to the hand.

Please slumber slut, take me away, before I truly embarrass myself.

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