Endigar 92

Trusting my Higher Power with the financial care of my life has been a big leap for me.  A lot of magic has occurred since last I made that confession.  I served out a two week notice at my job without insuring that I have something waiting for me when the Walmart paycheck stops.  That is a violation of money morality.  Shame on me.  How irresponsible.

But I remember what it was like to cling to a job when my heart no longer supports the effort.  The money was too good.  The location perfect.  I began to chant the mantra that “A man’s gotta do what a man’s gotta do, no matter what.”  I turned to alcohol to empower me to work beyond the growing void of my heart.  It ended in pure humiliation and almost guaranteed my self-destruction. 

So, I really can’t be bothered too much by what the money morality police say.  I must be true to myself.  I was staying with a recovery job longer than I needed to.  It was time to move on.  So I made amends to myself, after I made amends to the co-workers I chewed up for being in the wrong place as my disease began manifesting through my short-comings. 

I was at peace with the decision and was encouraged because the State of Alabama had interviewed me for an IT operator’s position.

Then, I served my last day and was given an opportunity to take my daughter out with a friend and his daughter to the State Fair without paying a dime.  We were free to ride everything.  And riding the rides at amusement parks have become a metaphor for facing fears. 

I sought out my Higher Power.  I received intuitive inspiration that, since I had a new employer according to the Big Book of AA, I was to treat that as an absolute reality.  I was not unemployed, but had just walked into a full time job with the Higher Power.  I was to focus in on recovery related tasks, with around 3 hours of reading and around 6 hours of connecting.  The day was to begin with the 3rd and 7th step prayers, and seeking a 24 hour plan for the day.  It was to end with a review of the day, staying alert to where my disease might be trying to kill me.  How can I improve my life on a day to day basis? 

I drew circles with paintbrush on the computer to keep track of my activities, as if I were at a job.  I gave the completed days to my Higher Power in the process of review.  I have definitely not been perfect, but it motivates me, and activity seems to override fear.

Apart of my personal amends to the US Government, and the Military, was to offer my services once more, this time very much sober.  We are at war.  I have a lot of experience.  I have gained much as a service member.  How can I pay back the American people, and the US Government that I love so much. 

I gathered together and organized my records.  I created a portfolio of sorts, so that I could go to the recruiter and negotiate my return to service.  To say that I was nervous is an understatement.  But I entered the door and presented myself for service.

When I walked back out, my head was spinning.  It appears that I am on my way to San Antonio, Texas to go to medical training at Fort Sam Houston, maybe within a matter of weeks.  I am able to keep my rank.  The training will probably be a year or so.  I will be return to the Army Reserve so that I can re-serve.  I am getting a do over. 

My sponsor warned me that I will blow it again if I do not take proactive measures to insure I have contact with the recovery community in Texas, and find a sponsor in the home of the Alamo. 

I entered the military as an 18 year old on my first plain flight.  I was destined for Lackland AFB in San Antonio and now it appears that I am being allowed to close the circle by returning to this same place almost 30 years later. 

I know, I have to watch out for expectations that can set me up for resentments.  No contracts have been signed yet.  But I am pretty sure this is going to happen.  If not, I will attempt to remember that “acceptance is the answer to all my problems today.” (Page 417 BB).

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