Daily Reprieve

From Today’s Daily Reflections;

Let us resist the proud assumption that since God has enabled us to do well in one area we are destined to be a channel of saving grace for everybody.  (A.A. Comes of Age, page 232)

A.A. groups exist to help alcoholics achieve sobriety. Large or small, firmly established or brand-new, speaker, discussion or study, each group has but one reason for being: to carry the message to the still-suffering alcoholic. The group exists so that the alcoholic can find a new way of life, a life abundant in happiness, joy, and freedom. To recover, most alcoholics need the support of a group of other alcoholics who share their experience, strength and hope. Thus my sobriety, and our program’s survival, depend on my determination to put first things first.

END OF QUOTE

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Once A.A. became successful in countering alcoholism and the public began to take notice, the fellowship faced two potentially devastating advisories who might be jealous and territorial; the scientific and the religious communities.  In order to grow in power A.A. needed to evade controversy and limit its focus.  The medical community had given us the Disease Concept that counters religious guilt and the religious community had inspired the GOMU (God of my understanding) concept that resisted intellectual prejudice.  Like the founding fathers of the United States, A.A.’s infancy had to be protected from entangling alliances.  We had reasons to be grateful to and fear both camps.

An implication from the quote from A.A. Comes of Age is that the belief that an approach is “destined to be a channel of saving grace for everybody” is a prideful assumption.  Since there are groups in both science and religion that are infected with this false pride, A.A. needed a way to protect ourselves internally and externally.

Then too, it would be a product of false pride to believe that Alcoholics Anonymous is a cure-all, even for alcoholism. Here we must remember our debt to the men and women of medicine. Here we be friendly and, above all, open minded toward every new development in the medical or psychiatric art that promises to be helpful to sick people. We should always be friendly to those in the fields of alcoholic research, rehabilitation, and education. We should endorse none especially but hold ourselves in readiness to co-operate so far as we can with them all. Let us constantly remind ourselves that the experts in religion are the clergymen; that the practice of medicine is for physicians; and that we, the recovered alcoholics, are their assistants.
There are those who predict that alcoholics anonymous may well become a new spearhead for a spiritual awakening throughout the world. When our friends say these things they are both generous and sincere. But we of A.A. must reflect that such a tribute and such a prophecy could well prove to be a heady drink for most of us-that is, if we really came to believe this to be the real purpose of A.A., and if we commenced to behave accordingly. Our society, therefore, will prudently cleave to its single purpose: the carrying of the message to the alcoholic who still suffers. Let us resist the proud assumption that since God has enabled us to do well in one area we are destined to be a channel of saving grace for everybody. (A.A. Comes of Age, page 232)

There are now many groups that pattern themselves after the 12-step recovery program forged in Alcoholics Anonymous.

[ http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_twelve-step_groups ]

As we have grown, attacks from intellectuals and zealots alike rail against the validity of this program, but to no avail for we are no longer an infant entity.

We have also faced internal conflicts for we are “erratic alcoholics”  (Alcoholics Anonymous, page xviii) who had to find a way to work together.  The fact that we did should be testimony to the Higher Power present among us.

I know that within myself I have a lazy skeptic who will use my intellect to become a professional critic, with no solution offered to fill the void of powerlessness.  I am also vulnerable to the religious hijack of my simple faith in Gomu to counter the burden and fear of an isolated self.

To those still suffering I will stand along side with a single purpose; recovery from alcoholism.  I hope we will be able to help shield each other from the crossfire between religion and science.

From Today’s Daily Reflections;

We will make every personal sacrifice necessary to insure the unity of Alcoholics Anonymous. We will do this because we have learned to love God and one another.   (A.A. Comes of Age, page 234)

To be self-supporting through my own contributions was never a strong characteristic during my days as a practicing alcoholic. The giving of time or money always demanded a price tag.

As a newcomer I was told “we have to give it away in order to keep it.” As I began to adopt the principles of Alcoholics Anonymous in my life, I soon found it was a privilege to give to the Fellowship as an expression of the gratitude I felt in my heart. My love of God and of others became the motivating factor in my life, with no thought of return. I realize now that giving freely is God’s way of expressing Himself through me.

END OF QUOTE

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It all centers around the big IT.  When I am wanting IT in the beginning of my journey, I am finding opportunities to give IT away.  When I have acquired IT, I feel gratitude and give IT to the fellowship where I found IT.  When I become IT, I no longer look for IT to be given to me.   Gomu (God of my understanding) and I become one and loving is as natural as breathing.

Tag, you’re IT.

From Today’s Daily Reflections;

Every A.A. group ought to be fully self-supporting, declining outside contributions.   (Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, page 160)

When I go shopping I look at the prices and if I need what I see, I buy it and pay. Now that I am supposed to be in rehabilitation, I have to straighten out my life. When I go to a meeting, I take a coffee with sugar and milk, sometimes more than one. But at the collection time, I am either too busy to take money out of my purse, or I do not have enough, but I am there because I need this meeting. I heard someone suggest dropping the price of a beer into the basket, and I thought, that’s too much! I almost never give one dollar. Like many others, I rely on the more generous members to finance the Fellowship. I forget that it takes money to rent the meeting room, buy my milk, sugar and cups. I will pay, without hesitation, ninety cents for a cup of coffee at a restaurant after the meeting; I always have money for that. So, how much is my sobriety and my inner peace worth?

END OF QUOTE

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When it is about money, it is never about money.  Coin and paper are elements in a very serious game we play.  When I chose to surrender the money under my control, there is a spiritual reason.  When I withhold by choice or neglect, there is a spiritual reason.

For me, the inability to release the dollar is associated with the powerlessness of a fearful life.  I am trained to flinch and react to the urgent rather than deliberately move toward the important.  The urgent eats up the important.  The good overwhelms the best.  There is always something in my head driving me with a primal whip like a captive beast and the Captains of Industry capitalize on that reality.

When I am experiencing spiritual empowerment and the inner peace necessary to focus on and support the most important aspects of my life, I am generous.  When I am afraid and feel cut-off, I respond and  pay tribute to the most threatening voices in my life.  I pay for the cup of coffee at the restaurant because it is enforced by law and the social expectation of a lot of angry people.  I do not pay for the coffee in A.A. because it is one place where I am free, even if I am not yet connected.  It is a refuge.  When I transform from cringing beast to an empowered steward of life, no one will have to guilt me into giving.  It will be the product of my new nature.  So, my giving habits can be a litmus test to my place in the spiritual food chain.  For me, that is the important take-away of today’s daily reflections.

From Today’s Daily Reflections;

For us, if we neglect those who are still sick, there is unremitting danger to our own lives and sanity.   (Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, page 151)

I know the torment of drinking compulsively to quiet my nerves and my fears. I also know the pain of white-knuckled sobriety. Today, I do not forget the unknown person who suffers quietly, withdrawn and hiding in the desperate relief of drinking. I ask my Higher Power to give me His guidance and the courage to be willing to be His instrument to carry within me compassion and unselfish actions. Let the group continue to give me the strength to do with others what I cannot do alone.

END OF QUOTE

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Helping others is not natural for me.  I have to be made aware that my own life and sanity is on the line.  The ability to deceive myself is a well honed skill that will cause me to forget my own suffering.  For that skill to be successful, I must also diminish the reality that others still suffer and are in a desperate situation.  I must believe they are out there enjoying the comfort and power of that sweet burn running down the throat.

I counter this self-delusional skill by opening my mind and heart to the reality of others suffering, with the intent of sharing my experience, strength, and hope.  They are facing a tragic and humiliating death from which they cannot save themselves.  Just as I was.  I must focus on this reality and turn to the Infinite One who cares for us to be equipped with the potential for compassion and unselfish actions.  Another truth I must be confronted with is that I need this connection to Gomu (God of my understanding) to be useful.  I also need the fellowship of A.A. to activate the gift of potential from my Higher Power.  While reaching beyond my isolated nature to help others, I am in the closest orbit to truth I can achieve as a recovered alcoholic.

From Today’s Daily Reflections;

Our very lives, as ex-problem drinkers, depend upon our constant thought of others and how we may help meet their needs.   (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 20)

Self-centeredness was my problem. All my life people had been doing things for me and I not only expected it, but I was ungrateful and resentful they didn’t do more. Why should I help others, when they were supposed to help me? If others had troubles, didn’t they deserve them? I was filled with selfpity, anger and resentment. Then I learned that by helping others, with no thought of return, I could overcome this obsession with selfishness, and if I understood humility, I would know peace and serenity. No longer do I need to drink.

END OF QUOTE

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I really do not relate to this contribution to the Daily Reflections, as much as I dig down and try.  I am sorry.  I want to be helpful.

It seems to me that I have always been repulsed at the idea of being helped by others and left with a lingering sense of self-loathing when that was the only answer I could find.  It is part of the difficulty of this program for me.  It is part of the reason I tend to cherish ideas that involve isolated self-reliance.

Helping others also arouses great feelings of futility when those that willingly take aid seem to be a black hole of continuous dependency.

That is why the concept that this is a selfish program was such a saving grace for me.  I can trust the primal instincts of self-preservation in myself and others.  I can help others because it helps me.  That is simple and liberating.  I can accept help from others who are also bent on self-preservation.  I think this is why it is easier for an alcoholic to trust another alcoholic.

If my rabid self-protecting altruism actually helps others, and I actually begin to care about others, well… that is the magic of the program and a gift from Gomu (God of my understanding)  It is not me.

From Today’s Daily Reflections (Late Night 23rd);

“I pray that you now remove from me every single defect of character which stands in the way of my usefulness to you and my fellows.”   (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 76)

Having admitted my powerlessness and made a decision to turn my will and my life over to the care of God, as I understand Him, I don’t decide which defects get removed, or the order in which defects get removed, or the time frame in which they get removed. I ask God to decide which defects stand in the way of my usefulness to Him and to others, and then I humbly ask Him to remove them.

END OF QUOTE

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I guess the morsel for meditation here is that there are some of my defects that are more obstructive than others to my usefulness to God and others.  The relevance to me is that I do become aware, ask for removal, and then live my life as usefully as possible.  I do not critique God’s process of removal with expectations about what short-comings get targeted first, how they are prioritized, or how quickly they get removed.  Those expectations may turn to disappointment and resentment that erode my simple spiritual trust in Gomu (God of my understanding).

From Yesterday’s Daily Reflections;

“My Creator, I am now willing that you should have all of me, good and bad.”   (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 76)

The joy of life is in the giving. Being freed of my shortcomings, that I may more freely be of service, allows humility to grow in me. My shortcomings can be humbly placed in God’s loving care and be removed. The essence of Step Seven is humility, and what better way to seek humility than by giving all of myself – good and bad – to God, so that He may remove the bad and return to me the good.

END OF QUOTE

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Is it possible that the good (the useful and constructive) that is in me has grown intertwined with and interdependent on the bad (the useless and destructive)?  Maybe this is why the removal of my short-comings are usually a process rather than an event.  When I drank, I could express myself freely and confidently.  Some of my intellectual, creative, and social gifts would manifest during intoxication along with my arrogance, insecurities, and self-pity.  In abstinence my short-comings are being removed, but I am disappointed when my gifts and skills seem to suffer as well.  Through humility I surrender the burden of self, and my Higher Power nurtures the wounded good things within and makes them apart of my day to day living, independent of my short-comings.  It is another way in which a life of sobriety can make the dark magic of mind altering chemicals obsolete.

From Today’s Daily Reflections;

By this time in all probability we have gained some measure of release from our more devastating handicaps. We enjoy moments in which there is something like real peace of mind. To those of us who have hitherto known only excitement, depression, or anxiety – in other words, to all of us – this newfound peace is a priceless gift.   (Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, page 74)

I am learning to let go and let God, to have a mind that is open and a heart that is willing to receive God’s grace in all my affairs; in this way I can experience the peace and freedom that come as a result of surrender. It has been proven that an act of surrender, originating in desperation and defeat, can grow into an ongoing act of faith, and that faith means freedom and victory.

END OF QUOTE

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QUIET

Late night search for ancient souls. I am baptized in frivolous meditations of which hole in the leaky dike needs to be plugged. Can I claim freedom without finding catastrophe? Can I walk away while the world sleeps, and find the crack in the mundane long enough to believe in the Quiet? Oh the silence of judgment, the cessation of stupidity, the peaceful openness to the Infinite caress. I surrender to the silent, hungry romance of my God. The spirit gazes in the mirror and smiles upon the sexual reflected back.  Let this dynamic play out its course, and each of us find our place in its irresistible flow.

From Today’s Daily Reflections;

But now the words “Of myself I am nothing, the Father doeth the works” began to carry bright promise and meaning.   (Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, page 75)

When I put the Seventh Step into action I must remember that there are no blanks to fill in. It doesn’t say, “Humbly asked Him to (fill in the blank) remove our shortcomings.” For years, I filled in the imaginary blank with “Help me!” “Give me the courage to,” and “Give me the strength,” etc. The Step says simply that God will remove my shortcomings. The only footwork I must do is “humbly ask,” which for me means asking with the knowledge that of myself I am nothing, the Father within “doeth the works.”

END OF QUOTE

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So the words of bright promise and meaning seem to be a misquote.  By correcting this misquote, the concluding statement of the daily reflections contributor should read as follows;

The only footwork I must do is “humbly ask,” which for me means asking with the knowledge that of myself I can do nothing, the Father within “doeth the works.”

At no point am I ever identified as “nothing,” even when I am isolated.  During my times of isolated selfishness, I am something of value to God that is unable to truly do anything useful.  Even with my shortcomings, I am something to Gomu (God of my understanding).  It appears that God desires our awareness and consent to transform our lives.  It has been made our choice to cherish or relinquish the identified shortcomings.  That is what I see.

I have one more post by Alanis Morissette that I need to include, because it is the first good response to the turmoil in my own soul concerning gender-based violence.  I also think the discussion of processing our emotions is very relevant for the alcoholic/addict.

She was asked “What do you think we can do to address gender based violence in our culture?  How do we get to the root of healing this violence in our society?”

This was her answer;