Daily Reprieve

From Daily Reflections of 10 September;

They [the Promises] will always materialize if we work for them.   (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 84)

Sometimes I think: “Making these amends is going too far! No one should have to humble himself like that!” However, it is this very humbling of myself that brings me that much closer to the sunlight of the spirit. A.A. is the only hope I have if I am to continue healing and gain a life of happiness, friendship and harmony.

END OF QUOTE

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The goal expressed is happiness, friendship, and harmony in ever increasing exposure to the Sunlight of the Spirit.  The requirement is that I work for it, and endure the humility with cleaning up my side of the street.  It is a steady and persistent forward momentum with this goal in mind that leads me to take possession of each day’s reprieve.  Be prospered in your journey.

From  Daily Reflections for September 9th;

They [the Promises] are being fulfilled among us — sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly.   (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 84)

The Promises talked about in this passage are slowly coming to life for me. What has given me hope is putting Step Nine into action. The Step has allowed me to see and set goals for myself in recovery.

Old habits and behaviors die hard. Working Step Nine enables me to close the door on the drunk I was, and to open new avenues for myself as a sober alcoholic. Making direct amends is crucial for me. As I repair relationships and behavior of the past, I am better able to live a sober life!

Although I have some years of sobriety, there are times when the “old stuff’ from the past needs to be taken care of, and Step Nine always works, when I work it.

END OF QUOTE

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I hate those promises the actors spout off in movies; “Everything is going to be all right, I promise.”  “I will not let anything happen to you, I promise.”  “Things will get better, I promise.”  It has been my experience that these are empty words when it comes to dealing with life on life’s terms.  It only makes sense when you are in a well choreographed performance.  Interactive life feels a lot more impromptu.  Miracles are irrelevant until they have happened.   I think that it is more important to have Intent Expressed than Promises Awaited.  Thus, my intent is to be painstaking about this phase of my development until I am amazed.  My intent is to know a new freedom and a new happiness.  My intent is to be free of regret so that my past can become something I am connected to in strength.  My intent is to comprehend and experience serenity.  My intent is to become useful to others, leaving behind the feeling of uselessness and self-pity.  I will lose interest in adorning a world of isolated selfishness and intend to connect to others in a way that is empowering to them.  I intend to stop self-seeking in fear that I will not be cared for.  I intend to have a completely different and more powerful outlook on life without fear of economic insecurity.  I intend to stay devoted to the habitual listening to the intuitive guidance of Gomu (God of my understanding), no longer dominated by situations that used to require me to ruminate and worry throughout the day.  It is my intention to recognized that God is doing for me what I cannot do for myself.  These are my intentions, and require my involvement.  They are not empty promises that come to me in passivity.  They paint a picture of the kind of life I am to expect as a result of my progressive spiritual awakening.

From Today’s Daily Reflections;

We asked His protection and care with complete abandon.   (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 59)

I could not manage my life alone. I had tried that road and failed. My “ultimate sin” dragged me down to the lowest level I have ever reached and, unable even to function, I accepted the fact that I desperately needed help. I stopped fighting and surrendered entirely to God.

Only then did I start growing! God forgave me. A Higher Power had to have saved me, because the doctors doubted that I would survive. I have forgiven myself now and I enjoy a freedom I have never before experienced. I’ve opened my heart and mind to Him. The more I learn, the less I know — a humbling fact — but I sincerely want to keep growing. I enjoy serenity, but only when I entrust my life totally to God. As long as I am honest with myself and ask for His help, I can maintain this rewarding existence.

Just for today, I strive to live His will for me — soberly.

I thank God that today I can choose not to drink.

Today, life is beautiful!

END OF QUOTE

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I want my trust of Gomu (God of my understanding) to be a once and for all absolute decision.  I want the Infinite One to be happy with me and to communicate intimately to me in a way that I can hear.  I am thankful for the reality that I can chose not to drink.  I wish that I could live a life of consensual non-consent in an absolute surrender to the God who loves me. I am afraid of my own will when I am alone with a mind that I can never totally trust.  For some reason, my Higher Power seems to trust me.  I am not so sure that is a good idea.  I will take what I have and attempt to trust and be trustworthy.  I am very grateful.

(Picture is Hand of God sculpture in London, sculptor is Lorenzo Quinn)

From Today’s Daily Reflections;

We are there to sweep off our side of the street, realizing that nothing worth while can be accomplished until we do so, never trying to tell him what he should do. His faults are not discussed. We stick to our own.   (Alcoholics Anonymous, pages 77-78)

I made amends to my dad soon after I quit drinking. My words fell on deaf ears since I had blamed him for my troubles. Several months later I made amends to my dad again. This time I wrote a letter in which I did not blame him nor mention his faults. It worked, and at last I understood! My side of the street is all that I’m responsible for and — thanks to God and A.A. — it’s clean for today.

END OF QUOTE

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If I focus only on sweeping my side of the street, will the credibility of my cause be lost?  If I don’t diminish the dirt in my life by pointing out the filth in theirs, will I become the world’s scapegoat?  If people want to improve their lives and overcome their own transgressions, watching me take responsibility for mine gives them a nudge to do the same.  If my fellow humans have felt guilty but afraid to deal with the source of that guilt, my act of courage will present the possibility of doing the same.  If others are not moved by my amends, they most certainly will not be won by my vengeful proclamations.  I think it is human nature to desire to give as good as we get.  Thus what we have the habit of sowing into other lives will tend to be what we reap socially.

It is one of my first acts of trust in Gomu (God of my understanding).  It is turning away from a world of relationship wars and woes and embracing potential serenity and happiness.  It is my broom, my side of the street, and my public display of transforming humility.

From September 6th’s Daily Reflections;

. . . except when to do so would injure them or others.   (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 59)

Step Nine restores in me a feeling of belonging, not only to the human race but also to the everyday world. First, the Step makes me leave the safety of A.A., so that I may deal with non-A.A. people “out there,” on their terms, not mine. It is a frightening but necessary action if I am to get back into life. Second, Step Nine allows me to remove threats to my sobriety by healing past relationships. Step Nine points the way to a more serene sobriety by letting me clear away past wreckage, lest it bring me down.

END OF QUOTE

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I resonate with this contribution for the Reflections.  Like the perfection of freshly fallen snow, although tempted, I do not wish to mess it up with my meandering footprints.  I just want to take it in.  Yes.  This is so true.

From September 5th’s Daily Reflections;

Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, . . .  (Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, page 83)

When I survey my drinking days, I recall many people whom my life touched casually, but whose days I troubled through my anger and sarcasm. These people are untraceable, and direct amends to them are not possible. The only amends I can make to those untraceable individuals, the only “changes for the better” I can offer, are indirect amends made to other people, whose paths briefly cross mine. Courtesy and kindness, regularly practiced, help me to live in emotional balance, at peace with myself.

END OF QUOTE

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The untraceable individuals, citizens of my alcoholic past who left no forwarding address, have become symbols of a life I once viewed as acceptable.  Alcohol describes me as one type of person, and Gomu is showing me another.   It is a process of securing my God life over my tragic one.  The attempt to achieve Emotional Balance and Serenity remind me of Bob Lind’s song, Elusive Butterfly of Love.  Yeah, I’m that old.

From September 4th’s Daily Reflections;

Yes, there is a long period of reconstruction ahead. . . .   (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 83)

The reconstruction of my life is the prime goal in my recovery as I avoid taking that first drink, one day at a time. The task is most successfully accomplished by working the Steps of our Fellowship. The spiritual life is not a theory; it works, but I have to live it. Step Two started me on my journey to develop a spiritual life; Step Nine allows me to move into the final phase of the initial Steps which taught me how to live a spiritual life. Without the guidance and strength of a Higher Power, it would be impossible to proceed through the various stages of reconstruction. I realize that God works for me and through me. Proof comes to me when I realize that God did for me what I could not do for myself, by removing that gnawing compulsion to drink. I must continue daily to seek God’s guidance. He grants me a daily reprieve and will provide the power I need for reconstruction.

END OF QUOTE

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Reconstruction may be the primary goal for some people.  Restoration of marriages and family may be the path for some members of this fellowship.  There are some of us that simply cannot restore what has been lost.  Making amends becomes a way of accepting that reality and letting it go.  It may involve construction of things we have never experienced before.  An open mind, a willing heart and a living spirit is the primary goal of my recovery.

From September 2nd’s Daily Reflections;

The willingness to grow is the essence of all spiritual development.   (As Bill Sees It, page 171)

A line from a song goes, “. . . and I look to find a reason to believe . . .” It reminds me that at one time I was not able to find a reason to believe that my life was all right. Even though my life had been saved by my coming to A.A., three months later I went out and drank again. Someone told me: “You don’t have to believe.  Aren’t you willing to believe that there is a reason for your life, even though you may not know yourself what that reason is, or that you may not sometimes know the right way to behave?” When I saw how willing I was to believe there was a reason for my life, then I could start to work on the Steps. Now when I begin with, “I am willing. . . ,” I am using the key that leads to action, honesty, and an openness to a Higher Power moving through my life.

END OF QUOTE

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Early in sobriety I was seeing a counselor, looking for some resolution to my acceptance issues.  In all my verbal splashing about he observed, “you really want to believe.”  The desire to be able to trust a Gomu (God of my understanding) was still there fighting for life.  The counselor gave me a prayer that appealed to me in its genuineness;

“My Lord God, I have no idea where I am going. I do not see the road ahead of me. I cannot know for certain where it will end. Nor do I really know myself, and the fact that I think that I am following your will does not mean that I am actually doing so. But I believe that the desire to please you does in fact please you. And I hope I have that desire in all that I am doing. I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire. And I know that if I do this you will lead me by the right road though I may know nothing about it. Therefore will I trust you always though I may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death. I will not fear, for you are ever with me, and you will never leave me to face my perils alone.”

(Thomas Merton, Thoughts in Solitude)

Note:  I realize that I got the 2nd and 3rd mixed up.  Sorry about that.

From September 3rd’s Daily Reflections;

We feel a man is unthinking when he says sobriety is enough.   (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 82)

When I reflect on Step Nine, I see that physical sobriety must be enough for me. I need to remember the hopelessness I felt before I found sobriety, and how I was willing to go to any lengths for it. Physical sobriety is not enough for those around me, however, since I must see that God’s gift is used to build a new life for my family and loved ones. Just as importantly, I must be available to help others who want the A.A. way of life.

I ask God to help me share the gift of sobriety so that its benefits may be shown to those I know and love.

END OF QUOTE

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This contribution to the Daily Reflections has a little bit of a religious hijack in it, when the contributor says that he must be content with “physical sobriety,” when only thinking about his own life.  The only time he is justified in wanting more out of life than abstinence from alcohol is when he can reason that others will benefit.  This is the martyr’s approach to AA and it runs counter to the reality that alcoholism is a primary disease and not a criminal conspiracy.  I feel religious shame is inappropriate.  I can gain permanent physical sobriety without the 12 steps by committing suicide if that was my only goal for my life.

This program is not for those who need it, but for those who want it.  This is a selfish program, meaning that its success hinges on the alcoholic having a good sense of self-preservation.  I want this life first of all, for me.  Then I have something to give to others.  So, I agree that a man is unthinking when he says sobriety (abstinence) is enough for others or for himself.

“He is like the farmer who came up out of his cyclone cellar to find his home ruined. To his wife, he remarked, ‘Don’t see anything the matter here, Ma. Ain’t it grand the wind stopped blowin’ ?’ ” (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 82)

There is one qualification to my assertions here.  The disease may not be my fault, but it is not the fault of those that love me or who have invested in my life either.  I must take responsibility for the damage my disease did to others and thus help in their recovery where I can.

From Today’s Daily Reflections;

If more gifts are to be received, our awakening has to go on.   (As Bill Sees It, page 8)

Sobriety fills the painful “hole in the soul” that my alcoholism created. Often I feel so physically well that I believe my work is done. However, joy is not just the absence of pain; it is the gift of continued spiritual awakening. Joy comes from ongoing and active study, as well as application of the principles of recovery in my everyday life, and from sharing that experience with others. My Higher Power presents many opportunities for deeper spiritual awakening. I need only to bring into my recovery the willingness to grow. Today I am ready to grow.

END OF QUOTE

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For me, there is a difference between initial abstinence from alcohol and the sobriety of a spiritual awakening.  I need abstinence to gain sobriety which in turn protects abstinence, the only known physical cure for this disease.  Abstinence is an event that can be marked as a milestone with tokens and applause.  Sobriety is marked with milestones of greater spiritual awakening.