Daily Reprieve

Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.  (Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, page 42)

Step Four is the vigorous and painstaking effort to discover what the liabilities in each of us have been, and are. I want to find exactly how, when, and where my natural desires have warped me. I wish to look squarely at the unhappiness this has caused others and myself. By discovering what my emotional deformities are, I can move toward their correction. Without a willing and persistent effort to do this, there can be little sobriety or contentment for me.

To resolve ambivalent feelings, I need to feel a strong and helpful sense of myself. Such an awareness doesn’t happen overnight, and no one’s self-awareness is permanent. Everyone has the capacity for growth, and for self-awareness, through an honest encounter with reality. When I don’t avoid issues but met them directly, always trying to resolve them, they become fewer and fewer.

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What am I looking for when I am conducting a fearless moral inventory?  The contributor to today’s reflection say that I am seeking out Inner Liabilities, the Warped places in me produced by (Exaggerated) Natural Desires, my Inner Sources of Unhappiness to others and myself, Emotional Deformities, Unresolved Ambivalent Feelings, Personal Issues, and ways to resist the Temporary State of my Self-Awareness.

What happens when I know these things about myself?  What am I seeking to do about it?  The contributor says that I am seeking Correction, Sobriety, and Contentment. I am looking to build a Strong and Helpful Sense of Myself knowing that it will be a Long Term and Repetitive Process requiring willingness and persistent effort. I am seeking an Honest, Truthful Encounter with Reality to Foster Growth and Self-Awareness. I am to meet my personal Issues Directly and Attempt to Resolve them.

The moral inventory is a solitary intelligence gathering process. The sponsor is there to help keep me from being bogged down in morbid self-reflection or to give up in an old habit of denial. The power of the corrective action I take with my sponsor’s help will be proportional to the determined accuracy of my intelligence gathering mission.

From Today’s Daily Reflections;

On the A.A. calendar it was Year Two . . . A new-comer appeared at one of these groups . . . He soon proved that his was a desperate case, and that above all he wanted to get well. . . . [He said], “Since I am the victim of another addiction even worse stigmatized than alcoholism, you may not want me among you.” (Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, pages 141-42)

I came to you – a wife, mother, woman who had walked out on her husband, children, family. I was a drunk, a pill-head, a nothing. Yet no one denied me love, caring, a sense of belonging. Today, by God’s grace and the love of a good sponsor and a home group, I can say that – through you in Alcoholics Anonymous – I am a wife, a mother, a grandmother and a woman. Sober. Free of pills. Responsible.

Without a Higher Power I found in the Fellowship, my life would be meaningless. I am full of gratitude to be a member of good standing in Alcoholics Anonymous.

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I carry a bit of anxiety with me most of the time. It is taking longer than I would like to work on it and make serenity a way of life rather than of series a events. That anxiety often manifests most strongly in social situations. It is hard for me to connect. I imagine that is not an uncommon situation for the alcoholic / addict. I discovered that certain social rituals are meant to encourage members to risk opening up. “My name is Whoever and I am an alcoholic.” The group responds, “Hello Whoever.” We hold hands to establish our physical link to establish our circle of mutual protection during the prayer. In service and sponsorship we make connections and gain courage to share our reality and to taste the message of recovery. The 12 Step Fellowship has given me some of the closest friends I have ever had. I am hopeful.

From Today’s Daily Reflections;

“. . . sometimes the good is the enemy of the best.” (Alcoholics Anonymous Comes of Age, page 101)

I think these words apply to every area of A.A.’s Three Legacies:  Recovery, Unity, and Service!  I want them etched in my mind and life as I “trudge the Road of Happy Destiny” (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 164).  These words, often spoken by co-founder Bill W., were appropriately said to him as the result of the group’s conscience.  It brought home to Bill W. the essence of our Second Tradition:  “Our leaders are but trusted servants; they do not govern.”

Just as Bill W. was originally urged to remember, I think that in our group discussions we should never settle for the “good,” but always strive to attain the “best.”  These common strivings are yet another example of a loving God, as we understand Him, expressing Himself through the group conscience.  Experiences such as these help me to stay on the proper path of recovery.  I learn to combine initiative with humility, responsibility with thankfulness, and thus relish the joys of living my twenty-four hour program.

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The human mind and heart can detect the good.  Sometimes we discover the better, but can anyone really see the best?  This sounds to me like another form of perfectionism.  In keeping with the spirit of  seeking progress rather than perfection, I reword the quote to say that sometimes the good solution perceived by the solitary mind is the enemy of the better solution revealed in the group conscience.  The best solution is something I suspect is visible only to the Infinite One, and often comes to me disguised as the better solution of the group conscience.  Is that because the best solution is wrapped up in being able to connect with each other and God?

From Today’s Daily Reflections;

They are servants. Theirs is the sometimes thankless privilege of doing the group’s chores. (Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, page 134)

In Zorba the Greek, Nikos Kazantzakis describes an encounter between his principal character and an old man busily at work planting a tree. “What is it you are doing?” Zorba asks. The old man replies: “You can see very well what I’m doing, my son, I’m planting a tree.” But why plant a tree,” Zorba asks, “if you won’t be able to see it bear fruit?” and the old man answers: “I, my son, live as though I were never going to die.” The response brings a faint smile to Zorba’s lips and as he walks away, he exclaims with a note of irony:  “How strange – I live as though I were going to die tomorrow!”

As a member of Alcoholics Anonymous, I have found that the Third Legacy is a fertile soil in which to plant the tree of my sobriety. The fruits I harvest are wonderful: peace, security, understanding and twenty-four hours of eternal fulfillment; and with the soundness of mind to listen to the voice of my conscience when, in silence, it gently speaks to me, saying: You must let go in service. There are others who must plant and harvest.

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What is the Third Legacy of Alcoholics Anonymous?  I had to go ask the Google Guru that question after reading today’s contribution to the Daily Reflections.  I found the following site:

[ http://www.silkworth.net/aahistory/billw2/3legacy.html ]

Basically, the First Legacy is the Twelve Steps designed to secure recovery for the individual members of AA. The Second Legacy is the Twelve Traditions designed to foster unity in the AA Fellowship. Finally, the Third Legacy is the General Service Conference in order to preserve and expand the functionality of AA service. In the 12th annual General Service Conference, the 12 Concepts for World Service were adopted.

First Legacy – 12 Steps – Individual Recovery

Second Legacy – 12 Traditions – Fellowship Unity

Third Legacy – 12 Concepts – World Service

The Zorba the Greek reference reminds me of a quote of Mahatma Gandhi; “Live as if you were to die tomorrow. Learn as if you were to live forever.”

From Today’s Daily Reflections;

Our membership ought to include all who suffer from alcoholism. Hence we may refuse none who wish to recover. Nor ought A.A. membership ever depend upon money or conformity. Any two or three alcoholics gathered together for sobriety my call themselves an A.A. group, provided that, as a group, they have no other affiliation.  (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 563)

Prior to A.A., I often felt that I didn’t “fit in” with the people around me.  Usually “they” had more/less money than I did, and my points of view didn’t jibe with “theirs.”  The amount of prejudice I had experienced in society only proved to me just how phony some self-righteous people were. After joining A.A., I found the way of life I had been searching for. In A.A. no member is better than any other member; we’re just alcoholics trying to recover from alcoholism.

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For me, there is no more “us and them.” I am not a part of a religious group that is sent forth to convert those in need of rescue. I am available to those who chose to quit drinking and wish to utilize the 12-step program. I do not preach dogmatic demands to filter and control those seeking help. I want to stay alive while still resident on Earth and that survival is wrapped up in being available to others who desire to live while they are alive.

It is such a relief to be freed of the burden of guilt that was my life as a churchian. “Why aren’t you getting out there and knocking on doors? Why aren’t you selling the exclusive path of salvation to those who might die tonight and burn in an everlasting torment because you wanted to watch TV? If you are ashamed and embarrassed to publicly proclaim Him, He will be ashamed and embarrassed of you when you get to Heaven. Be perfect and holy as your Father in Heaven is perfect and holy, because this is the only way you will have a relationship with Him, and the only way the world will be kept from hell fires. You are the only Bible some people will ever read.” I am not the threatening voice of the chosen One, that you must heed to escape a God with a really big grudge against and a psychopathic embrace of his creation.

We are in this together, as alcoholics and as fellow humans. I had a problem when I first entered the rooms and everyone held hands and recited the Lord’s Prayer. I overcame that by keeping my eyes open, and looking around at all of my fellows holding on to each other. We create our own infinity in that circle and our prayer is not based on dogma. It is based on the simple equality of working out this life together, evading the religious hijack of our spirituality through our own vision of Gomu (God of my understanding).

“To us, the Realm of Spirit is broad, roomy, all inclusive; never exclusive or forbidding to those who earnestly seek.  It is open, we believe, to all men.”  (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 46)

From Today’s Daily Reflections;

We trust that we already know what our several freedoms truly are;  that no future generation of AAs will ever feel compelled to limit them. Our AA freedoms create the soil in which genuine love can grow . . .  (The Language of the Heart, page 303)

I craved freedom. First, freedom to drink; later freedom from drink. The A.A. program of recovery rests on a foundation of free choice.  There are no mandates, laws or commandments. A.A.’s spiritual program, as outlined in the Twelve Steps, and by which I am offered even greater freedoms, is only suggested. I can take it or leave it. Sponsorship is offered, not forced, and I come and go as I will. It is these and other freedoms that allow me to recapture the dignity that was crushed by the burden of drink, and which is so dearly needed to support an enduring sobriety.

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What if freedom is an out-of-body experience? What if the human species is a hybrid of energy and organic structure? What if the energy manifestation of our existence establishes our self-awareness and our hunger for this true freedom? The best dreams I have experienced are when I am flying. I never have wings, just a strong awareness of something within.

It seems to me that all of our technology is designed to tweek the wheelchair that escorts our organic structure, so that we might experience a reality akin to flying free.

The only time these dreams of flying become a nightmare is when I consider the possibility of falling. I remember my organic structure and its vulnerabilities. I fear, and I begin to descend.

There is a story I remember of a Messiah walking on water. From the pack of fearful disciples, one calls out  “If it is you, call to me so that I may come to you on the water.”

The classroom of the Universe gets quiet as he responds, “Come.”

A human mind became aware of the reality of its energy manifestation, its spirit, and stepped out on the water. Then he remembered his organic structure and its vulnerabilities. He feared.

The Messiah was wrought with disappointment as he rescued his student from sinking. Almost.  Humanity almost woke up to the reality of their powerful spirits.

The freedoms of AA are protective in nature.  It protects our opportunity for sobriety.  I look at sobriety as a spiritual freedom along a path of transformation. I wonder how many “almost” moments AA has given the Universe.

From Today’s Daily Reflections;

Abandon yourself to God as you understand God.  Admit you faults to Him and to your fellows.  Clear away the wreckage of your past.  Give freely of what you find and join us.  We shall be with you in the Fellowship of the Spirit, and you will surely meet some of us as you trudge the Road of Happy Destiny.  May God bless yo and keep you – until then.  (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 164)

These words put a lump in my throat each time I read them.  In the beginning it was because I felt, “Oh no!  The Teaching is over.  Now I’m on my own.  It will never be this new again.”  Today I feel deep affection for our A.A. pioneers when I read the passage, realizing that it sums up all of what I believe in, and strive for, and that  – with God’s blessing – the teaching is never over, I’m never on my own, and every day is brand new.

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I harvest the following magical ideas from this reflection:

The Fellowship of the Spirit in which I am never on my own,

The Road of Happy Destiny in which the teaching never ends,

And every day is made new by Gomu (God of my understanding),

one day at a time.

From Today’s Daily Reflections;

I try hard to hold fast to the truth that a full and thankful heart cannot entertain great conceits. When brimming with gratitude, one’s heartbeat must surely result in outgoing love, the finest emotion that we can ever know.  (As Bill Sees It, page 37)

I believe that we in Alcoholics Anonymous are fortunate in that we are constantly reminded of the need to be grateful and of how important gratitude is to our sobriety. I am truly grateful for the sobriety God has given me through the A.A. program and am glad I can give back what was given to me freely. I am grateful not only for sobriety, but for the quality of life my sobriety has brought. God has been gracious enough to give me sober days and a life blessed with peace and contentment, as well as the ability to give and receive love, and the opportunity to serve others – in our Fellowship, my family and my community. For all of this, I have “a full and thankful heart.”

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I wonder if it would be beneficial if, after writing out a gratitude list, it is followed by an emulation list. For instance, I am grateful that my Higher Power has helped me to stay sober. The way I would like to emulate my Higher Power is by helping other alcoholics find sobriety. It’s just a thought.

From Today’s Daily Reflections;

Man is supposed to think, and act.  He wasn’t made in God’s image to be an automaton.  (As Bill Sees It, page 55)

Before I joined A.A., I often did not think, and reacted to people and situations.  When not reacting I acted in a mechanical fashion.  After joining A.A.,  I started seeking daily guidance from a Power greater than myself, and learning to listen for that guidance.  Then I began to make decisions and act on them, rather than react to them.  The results have been constructive; I no longer allow others to make decision for me and then criticize me for  it.

Today – and every day – with a heart full of gratitude, and desire for God’s will to be done through me, my life is worth sharing, especially with my fellow alcoholics!  Above all, if I do not make a religion out of anything, even A.A., then I can be an open channel for God’s expression.

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Gomu (God of my understanding): “I taught you much when you were still content to be a slave.  I taught you endurance and honor.  And I waited for the day that you outgrew those chains.  Then the slave became a zombie moving about the darkened streets of a post apocalyptic world.  You drank from the pool of liquid death to silence the screams within.  When finally you collapsed and your limp form was brought before Me, to the Temple of Agnostos Theos, I hungered to see you recover.”

Me:  “Is it because you value my indoctrination as a slave?”

Gomu:  “I value your life as a friend.  I do not wish to command you as a slave.  I desire to help you become the most powerful and true version of yourself, free from fear-soaked masks.  Follow Me if you also desire this friendship and  if you want to truly live.  Everyday, it is your choice.  I love you.”

This is not a passive relationship.  It is full of passion and promises to be lived out.  Today I chose friendship with Gomu.

From Today’s Daily Reflections;

We have seen the truth again and again: “Once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic. ” . . . If we are planning to stop drinking, there must be no reservation of any kind, nor any lurking notion that someday we will be immune to alcohol. . . . To be gravely affected, one does not necessarily have to drink a long time nor take the quantities some of us have. This is particularly true of women. Potential female alcoholics often turn into the real thing and are gone beyond recall in a few years. (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 33)

These words are underlined in my book. They are true for men and women alcoholics. On many occasions I’ve turned to this page and reflected on this passage. I need never fool myself by recalling my sometimes differing drinking patterns, or by believing I am “cured.” I like to think that, if sobriety is God’s gift to me, then my sober life is my gift to God. I hope God is as happy with His gift as I am with mine.

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Choose not to urinate today. Save it all until it is time for you to go to bed. Imagine that if you do not, you will lose your job and family and may even be locked away for special bladder discipline treatment.

Choose not to eat for a month. Drink only water. Supposed that you know that if you do not abstain from eating, your children are likely to starve.

Choose not to drink liquid for a week. Imagine that there is the distinct possibility that you will lose your mind if you do.

Go one step further. Do not think about voiding your bladder, eating food, or drinking liquids during these times of abstinence. You will be working against your body, against your primal brain. The more highly developed intelligence will be looking for ways to accommodate the primal desires and needs. It will be seeking a loophole to escape the restrictions placed upon the body.

Somehow, I think alcoholism hard wires into our primal brain. When I first entered recovery, I was seeking abstinence. The fellowship and the first three steps helped me exit the hell of addiction and enter the purgatory of abstinence. In this place, reservation demons wisped around my head.  “There is power in the bottle, don’t give up five minutes before you become invincible.” In purgatory I become all too familiar with my weakness. My shortcomings are paraded before me, while those damn reservations beckon me toward some temporary relief.

In this purgatory of abstinence, I have to decide to seek the fourth dimension of the Spiritual world because I must find sobriety. The only way for me to kill those lurking notions of power over alcohol is to move forward in my spiritual life demonstrated by my willingness and ability to help other alcoholics.

In active addictive thinking, I have no defense against the first drink. In the temporary refuge of abstinence, I have no long-term defense against these primal reservations that lead to that first drink.

My goal is to obtain Sobriety from my connection with Gomu (God of my understanding). I must develop the skill of listening to the intuitive leading of my Higher Power. I must develop a spiritual power that overcomes my primal powerlessness before alcohol.

“Lack of power, that was our dilemma. We had to find a power by which we could live, and it had to be a Power greater than ourselves. Obviously. But where and how were we to find this Power?  Well, that’s exactly what this book is about. Its main object is to enable you to find a Power greater than yourself which will solve your problem.”  (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 45)