Daily Reprieve

“Nothing pays off like restraint of tongue and pen. We must avoid quick-tempered criticism and furious, power-driven argument. The same goes for sulking or silent scorn. These are emotional booby traps baited with pride and vengefulness. Our first job is to sidestep the traps. When we are tempted by the bait, we should train ourselves to step back and think. For we can neither think nor act to good purpose until the habit of self-restraint has become automatic.”
Step 10. From 12 x 12, page 91.

I recently decided to make a personal covenant with the GOMU (God of my understanding).  It was based off of some work that I had done when I was Christian.  I was drawn to this Messianic Christian church and so I decided to go, to see if anything would happen.  The Torah lesson/discussion was led by Rabbi Solomon.  It just happened to be on the covenant, more specifically, the Covenant with Abraham.  I saw this as confirmation that the entity that cares about me saw the covenant, and focused in on the aspect of it that had to do with Abraham.

I had been so well received, had been honored in so many ways, that I thought I might attend, even if my beliefs I suspected did not match the church doctrines.  I decided to make contact through their website to ensure that I would not knowingly deceived the leadership.  What follows is our interactive correspondence:

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A quote from the character named Cypher Raige in the movie After Earth;

Fear is not real. The only place that fear can exist is in our thoughts of the future. It is a product of our imagination, causing us to fear things that do not at present and may not ever exist. That is near insanity. Do not misunderstand me; danger is very real, but fear is a choice. We are all telling ourselves a story and that day mine changed.

I am also in the process of changing my story.  This quote was worth the price of admission.

I reckon I will be going to South Suburban today.  I have called Friend #1.  I am trying to learn to acquire and nurture friendship.  My goal is to have seven of them total, drawn from within recovery and within the alternative community.  I left voice mail for Friend #1.  Now I go prepare for meeting.

My networking status as of June 3^rd:

I have run into another obstacle, perhaps insurmountable, in obtaining qualification for the Chemical Specialist position. It may simply be time to leave military life. I am attempting to relax and hear the intuitive voice of the Infinite One in this matter. I have a pulmonary condition that prevents me from completing the 74D course. I went to Fort Leonard Wood, and as they in-processed me for Phase 2 of my training, they saw my medical profile and sent me home. There is no known cure for this ailment, but its progression has been put into remission. I might be able to go back into military intelligence, but is that wisdom? Would I be useful? When I get HRC to acknowledge my documented time in service, I will probably have enough time for retirement. Is it time for me to just let go?

So I drove to Fort Leonard Wood, Missouri this week and got started with the first few days of the course, got sent home, with a long drive enveloped in solitude and disappointment. I have worked hard to get there. It is another situation outside of my control. Yet there is something in me that keeps fighting, wanting to push forward. Perhaps it is just another manifestation of my inability to accept life on life’s terms.

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COMMENTS

My platoon sgt:  “Never give up on anything, it way around all thing just find it”

Comrade who supported me during and AFTER my alcoholic meltdown: “You could have stopped or called it quits a few years back. Like I mentioned to you then… If you have been going this long and still have some fight left. DON’T STOP!!!”

My brother:  “ I agree with the other post here, my brother. You have always been a warrior. While the time may come to set that part of your life to rest, this may not be that time.”

I am finding it difficult to get back into meetings.  I am finding it difficult to reconnect with the network.  I took a break from it all to accommodate the scholastic pursuit of excellence, or at least survival.  It has been a bit of a saving grace that I have been court ordered to attend 12 classes at Alethia House.  Now that I am out of school for the summer, I have focused on completing some military training.  I continue to fight pre-performance anxiety that reaches insane levels and produces almost catatonic depression.  It is not so bad now.  I am only fighting disorientation.  I will be leaving next week to attend to my military training in Missouri.

Things I can do today:  Call Sponsor and look up locations of meetings in Missouri – touch base maybe.  I will do that now.

FOLLOW-UP (1738) ~ Made contact with sponsor;  I love the fact that he hates staying on the phone as much as I do.  It was a good contact.

(1743) ~ http://www.aa.org/lang/en/central_offices.cfm?origpage=373&cmd=getgroups&state=Missouri&country=United%20States

http://www.eamo.org/

http://www.aadistrict9mo.com/

  (573) 364-5154 / Answering service goes dead.  I sent an email request for help in finding local meetings to [dist9@eamo.org].

Now I must return to my preparations for departure.

I have been confronted with my “acceptance issues” from the very beginning of my pursuit of recovery.  That voice which submits to my will, she that I call My very own, has expressed this reality in a way that is powerful to me.  I have read it many times over to soak in its resonate truth.

You know that i believe in magic, and having practiced magic for years, i know that it is a matter of reaction rather than proactive intrusion from some outside source. Magic reacts to what You are putting out there – Your intention, Your will, Your focus, Your priorities. i think that is why Your magic is so very chaotic. Your energy is unfocused. You are all over the place because You haven’t yet made peace with the reality that You can’t have it all, not in this life. You can’t even have most of it.

🙂

i think, also, that You do not truly believe that this is only one of many lives, infinite existence. If You truly believed that, You would be happy to live the best You are able to on this plane and make Your peace with accomplishing other goals in other lives. Infinite souls existing in such a finite time span makes no sense. Dreamers who dream so big and want so much are doomed to live in frustration until they come to the Acceptance that life goes on, not even after we die, but especially after we die. This existence is just a drop in the ocean of our potential, our eternal existence.

i suppose the point i’m trying to make is that You have eternity to do it all. You have This Life to do Something. And i believe that this incarnation, this life, is specifically formatted and designed to teach beings with limitless potential to focus on accomplishing limited things. Your job is to decide what those few goals will be, how they can be made to allow You to live comfortably, and how You will reach them. Once Your energy is focused, THEN the Great Whatever will be able to work with You. Until then, You will experience chaos in Your messages, in Your magic, in Your life.

We three are connected to Gomu; the Master, the slave, and the scholar.  We will work together to fulfill the work of Gomu as it is revealed.  Ecology test tomorrow.