Daily Reprieve

From Today’s Daily Reflection;

We have entered the world of the Spirit.  Our next function is to grow in understanding and effectiveness.  This is not an overnight matter.  It should continue for our lifetime.  (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 84)

The word “entered” . . . and the phrase “entered into the world of the Spirit” are very significant.  They imply action, a beginning, getting into, a prerequisite to maintaining my spiritual growth, the “Spirit” being the immaterial part of me.  Barriers to my spiritual growth are self-centeredness and a materialistic focus on worldly things.  Spirituality means devotion to spiritual instead of worldly things, it means obedience to God’s will for me.  I understand spiritual things to be:  unconditional love, joy, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, self-control and humility.  Any time I allow selfishness, dishonesty, resentment and fear to be a part of me, I block out spiritual things.  As I maintain my sobriety, growing spiritually becomes a lifelong process.  My goal is spiritual growth, accepting that I’ll never have spiritual perfection.

END OF QUOTE

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I believe it is important not to lose sight of the magical descriptions of sobriety.  The “World of the Spirit” is one such description.  We can move from the drudgery of abstinence to this mystical dimension called the World of the Spirit.  That is the testimony of the founders of our fellowship.

As drinking was only a symptom of our disease and not its root, so these laundry lists of virtues are the fruit of our spiritual union with the Higher Power, and not an alternative focus to worldly things.  Striving for perfection based on someone’s idea of good behavior leads to religious egotism and isolation.   Perfection is unobtainable because it is destructive.  The care of God offers a lifetime process, a continuous quest, and an unending adventure.   Perfectionism is a fruit of fear, not faith.  Faith is an intuitive knowledge based on trust in one’s cooperative union with a Higher Power.  It grows as you build a track record of personal manifestation and power.

The obstacles to the spiritual growth of sobriety are isolated and distrustful selfishness (self-centeredness) and the powerlessness of being caged in a worldly focus.

“What used to be the hunch or the occasional inspiration gradually becomes a working part of the mind . . . we find that our thinking will, as time passes, be more and more on the plane of inspiration.  We come to rely upon it.”  (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 86)

From Today’s Daily Reflection;

On awakening let us think about the twenty-four hours ahead.  We consider our plans for the day.  Before we begin, we ask God to direct our thinking, especially asking that it be divorced from self-pity, dishonest or self-seeking motives.  (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 86)

Every day I ask God to kindle within me the fire of His love, so that love, burning bright and clear, will illuminate my thinking and permit me to better do His will.  Throughout the day, as I allow outside circumstances to dampen my spirits, I ask God to sear my consciousness with the awareness that I can start my day over any time I choose; a hundred times, if necessary.

END OF QUOTE

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I understand that I am seeking a “one day at a time” transformation.  My disconnected self has established patterns of thinking that are destructive to myself and others. They are normal behavior to me.  I need the help of my Higher Power to reveal and daily consent to their removal.

When God removes them and I am left with a hole in my life, what is there to replace them with?  Love?  No, that word is another bundle word in the English language and is far too broad to be useful.  I love cookies.  I love my family.  I love sexual intimacy.  I have just said three different things using that one word.  There is also the co-dependent love that equals enabling destructive behavior.

As the rock group Foreigner once said, “I want to know what love is, I want You to show me.”

I am alive and free of an alcoholic hell because I have turned my life over to the Love of God.  Whenever I see the Care of God  manifested in my life, I ask to emulate it in the lives of those around me.

In science, there is an extension of the Pauli exclusion principle that states “no two objects can occupy the same space at the same time.”   In other words, they would have to be the same object when occupying the same space at the same time.  I propose another extension of the exclusion principle stated thus; that two or more spirits performing and existing in the same frequency at the same time cannot remain disconnected.  If I can operate in God’s frequency of love with an awareness and surrender to His timing, I will begin to develop a natural union with the Infinite One with a natural flow of Infinite Power through me.  I will not find myself in stagnant waters drained of life.

One day at a time, I seek to foster this Infinite Union by emulating the Care of God.  If I fall into old habits of isolation, if I fail to emulate the Care of God, I will feel the disconnect and intuitively know that something is off.  I learn from it, and seek to adjust fire on my target.  The recovery program gives me a chemistry set to work in the laboratory of transformation.

A closed container cannot receive Infinite Power.  Only a container that knows how to become a channel, both receiving and transmitting, can experience it.  Nature resists a vacuum.  If I give away what is given me, I create a natural suction upon the Universe.  I do not have to continually beg to recover by seeking the cleaning out of the stagnant water of my isolated alcoholic mind and replacing it with the clean water of the Spirit.  The flow of God’s Love will become a way of life.

Therefore, the guiding question upon awakening for me is, “how can I copy the existence and activity of my Higher Power today?”

From Today’s Daily Reflection;

It is when we try to make our will conform with God’s that we begin to use it rightly.  To all of us, this was a most wonderful revelation.  Our whole trouble had been the misuse of willpower.  We had tried to bombard our problems with it instead of attempting to bring it into agreement with God’s intention for us.  To make this increasingly possible is the purpose of A.A.’s Twelve Steps, and Step Three opens the door.   (Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, page 40)

All I have to do is look back at my past to see where my self-will has led me.  I just don’t know what’s best for me and I believe my Higher Power does, G.O.D., which I define as “Good Orderly Direction,” has never let me down, but I have let myself down quite often.  Using my self-will in a situation usually has the same result as forcing the wrong piece into a jigsaw puzzle – exhaustion and frustration.

Step Three opens the door to the rest of the program.  When I ask God for guidance I know that  whatever happens is the best possible situation, things are exactly as they are supposed to be, even if they aren’t what I what or expect.  God does do for me what I cannot do for myself, if I let Him.

END OF QUOTE

It is my understanding that the concept of God as being Good Orderly Direction was bridge of pragmatism in the fellowship to cross the abyss of mystical expectations and disappointments.  We gain this spiritual guide in our lives by having a sponsor, listening to the network, and filtering all with accumulated wisdom of the reference literature such as the Big Book or the 12 & 12.

I think it is important to see that self-will as discussed here is different from the will power needed to face each day.  For instance, the writers of the above reflection rightfully exercised will power by

1. Trying to make our will conform with God’s.

2. Bring it into agreement with God’s intention for us.

3.  Ask God for guidance

4.  Implied is that when I knows what God’s will, intention, and guidance is, one will myself to follow it.

5.  Also implied is I will myself to know God’s direction.

I make, I agree, I ask, I know, I follow.

The misuse of my willpower is

1.  Reflexive bombardment of my problems – an aggressively reactive life.

2. Living without knowing what is best for me as a product of spiritual isolation.

3. Forcing my isolated self-will into the grand scheme of the Infinite Universe.

The fruit of this misuse, this exercise in isolation of self-will, robs one of self-confidence as you let yourself down, experiencing a life of frustration and exhaustion.

The Open Door of Step 3 is found in the writer’s faith assertion that seeking guidance of the Higher Power assures me that whatever my current situation is, it is exactly as it is supposed to be and is the best possible situation for me, because I will my life to be entrusted to the Care of God as I understand Him/Her.

From Today’s Daily Reflection;

. . . we invariably find that at some time in the past we have made decisions based on self which later placed us in a position to be hurt.  (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 62)

With the realization and acceptance that I had played a part in the way my life had turned out came a dramatic change in my outlook.  It was at this point that the A.A. program began to work for me.  In the past I had always blamed others, either God or other people, for my circumstances.  I never felt that I had a choice in altering my life.  My decisions had been based on fear, pride, or ego.  As a result, those decisions led me down a path of self-destruction.  Today I try to allow my God to guide me on the road to sanity.  I am responsible for my action – or inaction – whatever the consequences may be.

END OF QUOTE

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The word SELF is a true bundle word in English, holding so many different denotations and connotations.  This is problematic for those of us who have a broken guilt-a-meter and deal with rabid shame roaming through our psyche.  I feel guilty for everything on some level, and yet feel no remorse for that which maybe I should.  When the above says that in the past I had always blamed others, either God or other people, I can only partially relate.  When I came to 12 step recovery, I blamed God and myself.  I despised my own weaknesses and what I allowed to happen in my life.  There were very few people in my internal courtroom that were as guilty as I.

I believe that was because my Mother was an adult child of an alcoholic father who drank himself to a tragic death when she was 17.  Her parenting was filled with fear that she would be abandoned.  She would often tell me how much I looked like him.  I had an image of love and support that I had to fulfill and hated myself when I could not meet that standard.  Of course, how I responded to that was my side of the street.  As I became an adult, it was my fault that I continued to get lost in that image.  I did not need A.A. to show me that. I just needed them to help me release god-like responsibility for others and quit being afraid of changing.  It is all right to let the image die.

My SELF preservation was a good thing when it led me into recovery.  The program helps me to chisel away at images I created in my life that led me to become a God for other people in their sickness.  It provided a safe place where I could find the true SELF, my unique individuality that can truly be responsible.  God created the true SELF.  The fearful self protection created the false SELF.

The internal laundry list of ideals and desires I have created to protect my pinnacle of isolation is the SELF that must fall away if I am to recover, so that I can follow the mantra “to thine own self be true.”  This is how I resolve the paradox I hear when someone says, accurately I believe, that this is a selfish program and yet we must be rid of selfishness.

” Today I try to allow my God to guide me on the road to sanity.”

From Today’s Daily Reflection:

Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understand Him. (Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, page 34)

No matter how much one wishes to try, exactly how can one turn his own will and his own life over to the care of whatever God he thinks there is?  In my search for the answer to this question, I became aware of the wisdom with which it was written: that this is a two-part Step.

I could see many times where I should have died, or at least been injured, during my previous style of living, and it never happened.  Someone, or something, was looking after me.  I choose to believe my life has always been in God’s care.  He alone controls the number of days I will be granted until physical death.

The matter of will (self-will or God’s will) is the more difficult art of the Step for me.  It is only when I have experienced enough emotional pain, through failed attempts to fix myself, that I become willing to surrender to God’s will for my life.  Surrender is like the calm after the storm.  When my will is in line with God’s will for me, there is peace within.

END OF QUOTE

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When I think about the 3rd Step, there are two phrases that stand out to me and they are “OUR will and OUR lives” and the other is “to the CARE of God.”  The Step could have been written in this manner;

I made a decision to turn my will and life over to God as I understand Him.  It would have been an impossible step for me to take if it had been.

My isolated and isolating self-will is detrimental to my life and welfare, and is of no value to my God or my fellows. The recovered self-will is a product of connection with others and my Higher Power.  It is our will and our life because we are in this together.  I cannot do this on my own, and as time goes on, I discover that I drank because I never really wanted to do this or anything in isolation.  Isolation is different from privacy and meditative solitude.

The second phrase says that we are choosing to turn our will and lives over to the CARE of God.  We are choosing to trust in a loving God.  We are not surrendering to the JUDGEMENT of God.  We are not surrendering to the PERFECTIONISM of God.  We are not surrendering to the TRAUMATIC FEAR of God.  We are surrendering to the LOVE of God and letting the miraculous success of our lives demonstrate that there is something or someone out there greater than us, who loves and cares about us.  It is to that entity or force that we surrender.

Within this context, I surrender to and trust the God of my understanding.

From Today’s Daily Reflections:

Every man and woman who has joined A.A. and intends to stick has, without realizing it, made a beginning on Step Three.  Isn’t it true that in all matters touching upon alcohol, each of them has decided to turn his or her life over to the care, protection, and guidance of Alcoholics Anonymous? . . . Any willing newcomer feels sure A.A. is the only safe harbor for the foundering vessel he has become.  Now if this is not turning one’s will and life over to a newfound Providence, then what is it? (Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, page 35).

Submission to God was the first step to my recovery.  I believe our Fellowship seeks a spirituality open to a new kinship with God.  As I exert myself to follow the path of the Steps, I sense a freedom that gives me the ability to think for myself.  My addiction confined me without any release and hindered my ability to be released from my self-confinement, but A.A. assures me of a way to go forward.  Mutual sharing, concern and caring for others is our natural gift to each other and mine is strengthened as my attitude toward God changes.  I learn to submit to God’s will in my life, to have self-respect and to keep both of these attitudes by giving away what I receive.

END QUOTE OF DAILY REFLECTIONS

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I looked up some useful definitions of the word SUBMIT.

– to give (a document, proposal, piece of writing, etc.) to someone so that it can be considered or approved.

– to stop trying to fight or resist something : to agree to do or accept something that you have been resisting or opposing.

– to defer to or consent to abide by the opinion or authority of another.

To give to Someone.  To stop trying to fight and resist Something.  To defer to or consent to Another.

Someone, Something, Another…A Higher Power.

Step Three carries an implied expectation of Magical Manifestation.  It asks you to believe in the magic of the recovery process.  It asks you to believe in the magic of connecting with others.  It asks you to believe in the magic of your own existence.  Ultimately, it asks you to believe in the magic of an Infinite Someone, Something, that is Another Being and it is not the finite you, but loves you more than you are able to love yourself.

In the beginning we flee the hell of addiction.  We find relief in the purgatory of abstinence.  If we can overcome our distrust and isolated self-will, we find the spiritual awakening of Sobriety.  Once we have connected to this spiritual experience of the ultimate Union, we will never be deceived by the evangelists  of addiction’s hellfire again.  I have abstinence and have glimpsed sobriety.  I hope and trust that the paradox expressed at the end of the Daily Reflection is the key to a permanent transformation; ” giving away what I receive.”  I can gain freedom through submission and keep it by giving it away.

Theoretically smart, functionally stupid

Afraid of being revealed

Sick of being dismissed

Repulsed at eliciting sympathy

Disconnected from myself and others

Making responsive noises for social camouflage

Short of breath, crowded in by fat, lazy dreams

Targeted for natural selection but God’s not cleaning up the gene pool

Keep moving.  Stay strong.  Ignore judgment.

The thoughts pounding in my head this morning…”I distrust others.  I despise myself.  I hate being alone, and I hate being with others.  I hate that tasks grow and my energy decreases.  I am angry.  I want to lash out.”

Response:  I really need to silence my mind.  Drink?  NO!  Go to meeting, angry or not.

In meeting much discussion on facing the reality of life, on this clash making us angry.  There was also a discussion that there is a thin line between denial and acceptance.  Denial is not about “not knowing” as much as it is knowing the problem and doing nothing to answer it.  Acceptance is knowing the will of the Higher Power and focusing on that fulfillment, releasing all other schemes.  It is important to be able to tell the difference because it is a trap to believe you are in acceptance when you are actually in denial.

My sponsor quoted this from the 3rd step prayer:  “Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do Thy will.”

Page 63 in the Big Book.

Now, to get to work in fulfillment of the will of my Higher Power.

How can I help another alcoholic?  I truly am concerned that I will be a threat to the struggling heart and mind of the newcomer. My faith is like a light bulb with a short in it.  It seems to be turned on, but my wiring is not predisposed to dependable lighting.  Yet, this is the major point of imbalance in my recovery.  I need to be able to help other alcoholics.

I went to the South Suburban meeting yesterday and the topic was primarily on the necessity of helping other alcoholics.

The topic leader started off talking about the profound spiritual experience that Bill Wilson had, and then pointed to the intuitive thought that came to him right after that experience while he was still in the hospital.

Page 14 of the Big Book:  “While I lay in the hospital the thought came that there were thousands of hopeless alcoholics who might be glad to have what had been so freely given me.  Perhaps I could help some of them.  They in turn might work with others.”

The topic leader said that he reached out to and attempted to help many, many alcoholics for his first six months of sobriety and despaired to his wife that none of them stayed sober.  But then she pointed out to him that HE was staying sober in the attempt.  Then our topic leader turned to page 129 and read the bottom paragraph:

Though the family does not fully agree with dad’s spiritual activities, they should let him have his head.  Even if he displays a certain amount of neglect and irresponsibility towards the family, it is well to let him go as far as he likes in helping other alcoholics.  During those first days of convalescence, this will do more to insure his sobriety than anything else.

He emphasized that this “helping of other alcoholics” is conducted during those first days of convalescence.  He made the point that we do not wait until we get to the 12th step to start helping others, because it is the MOST important thing to do to insure our own sobriety.  Helping other alcoholics need not take the form of actual sponsorship, but should involve some form of service for the sake of the group and individuals of AA.

The topic leader then turned to page 159 of the Big Book which talked about the first fellowship’s development, and read the following;

These men had found something brand new in life.  Though they knew they must help other alcoholics if they would remain sober, that motive became secondary.  It was transcended by the happiness they found in giving themselves for others.

His point was that, although it begins as a means of alcoholic survival, it is transcended as a source of happiness.  He speculated that the very thing he sought in the bottle was answered by helping other alcoholics.

He then described his own recovery process in the beginning, that he was quite self-absorbed, and said that he began having problems with relapse after 13 years sober.  He was then sober for 2 years, and relapsed, then for six months, and relapsed, and then began to collect a succession of 30 and 60 day chips.   Finally, he had a sponsor that emphasized his need to help others.  Once he got to six months he was told to chair a meeting.  He realized that in that first 13 years, he had never chaired.  He was required to sign up for a month at a  time.  He showed up an hour ahead of time for his first meeting.  As he was preparing the coffee, he realized that he was alone and that no one else was there to help him.  He said that by the time the meeting begin, he was mad with anger believing that he was being taken advantage of and scheming of how to get out of the rest of his commitment.  As the meeting progressed, he calmed down and considered all those times he drank AA coffee without helping to make it.  Did he believe that it had just magically appeared?  It was a turning point for him.  He said that he has trouble with a roller coaster of moods, and that many times his sponsees would call just in time to keep him from diving into himself.

The topic was released to the group, and I heard things like “I had believed that I had to be fixed before I could help others; I just did not realize that helping others is a part of the process of getting fixed.”

Several periods of quiet erupted and the chair-girl of the meeting began calling on people to contribute.  With the last few minutes of the meeting left, she said, “What about the guy in black back there.”

“Damn!”

“Hello, Damn…” laughter.

I confessed that this is a weak point in my recovery, and that I related greatly to the topic leader.  Then I admitted that I had thoughts of drinking several times this last week, particularly this weekend.  I had pushed away that reality.  I had no thought of it until these words came spilling out of my mouth.  This last Saturday was my deceased mother’s birthday which is traditionally difficult. I also had to finish up level one anti-DUI courses for Shelby County.  Hearing those who are still using express defiant devotion to their drug of choice seemed to stir secret thoughts considering the possibility of a short periods of “controlled drinking.”  I felt my disease wrapping around old grief and resentments.  My last class at Aletheia House pointed out that the brains of alcoholics and addicts are permanently damaged by their abuse of chemical toxins.  There are certain levels of physiological recovery that are possible over time, but our tendency to jump head long into risky behavior is the result of neuro-pathways that have been permanently severed from chemical usage.  Thus we need each other and we need to develop habits that buy us time.

That meeting was a life-saver, and I truly was not conscience that my life needed saving.  I went to the meeting to work on connecting, but my connectives need to facilitate the helping of others.

My sponsor called me this morning, asking about me.  He cared.  That is so significant to me.  It was a big-little thing for me.  Maybe I can do big-little things for others.