Daily Reprieve

The Big Book

“read this book…” first three words on page 112

“To show other alcoholics precisely how we have recovered is the main purpose of this book.  For them, we hope these pages will prove so convincing that no further authentication will be necessary.  We think this account of our experiences will help everyone to better understand the alcoholic.  Many do not comprehend that the alcoholic is a very sick person.  And besides, we are sure that our way of living has its advantages for all.”  ~ FORWARD TO THE FIRST EDITION (page xiii)

“It is the purpose of this book to answer such questions specifically.  We shall tell you what we have done. (our experience)”  See this in context on page 20 to find out what the questions are.  Basically, why does alcohol make us so sick, and how have we recovered from a hopeless condition of mind and body.  The quote is from THERE IS A SOLUTION in the Big Book.

“…Well, that’s  exactly what this book is about.  Its main object is to enable you to find a Power greater than yourself which will solve your problem.  That means we have written a book which we believe to be spiritual as well as moral. ”  from WE AGNOSTICS (page 45)

I went to one of my favorite AA meetings a few days ago and picked up a couple of sayings.

” If you share more than three minutes nobody is listening except you.”

“If you believe that isolation is a cure for loneliness, you may be an alcoholic.”

“An alcoholic is an ego maniac with an inferiority complex.”

The last one I’ve heard before, but I like it.

There is another saying, “You’ve got to give it away to keep it.”  I remember, right before going on annual training, this was being discussed in that same meeting.  And this is something I really need to work on.  I need to start sponsoring as soon as I recover that year of sobriety.  “Both you and the new man must walk day by day in the path of spiritual progress.  If you persist, remarkable things will happen.”  ~ page 100 of the Big Book.

Our discussion also looked at discovering God’s will.  Many seem to struggle with this concept.  I can remember the first time that I quit looking at the will of the Higher Power as a Mapquest of directions from point A to point B.  I was laying beside my Yobo in Korea, Hae Suk Kim.  I was a young Airman in the US Air Force in the early eighties and I was confused about God’s Will for me.  I was meditating on the single light bulb hanging from Hae Suk’s ceiling.  It came to me that God’s will was like the light energy within the bulb.  It was the natural product of our own transformation.  Even then, during my season of heavy drinking and running the ville, I was aware of the need to connect to an energy, a Power greater than myself.

So I guess the will of God is to connect to a power socket, in order to conduct and release the energy.   The steps provide me with such a socket and the recovery community provides me an environment to conduct and release what is given to me.

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After writing this entry, I found myself wondering what would happen if I put my address into mapquest and entered the destination as God’s Will.  The first result was

The Chaplain’s Find

I have returned from my Army Reserve annual training. This year, like last, we flew all the way to California and settled in to work on our “fieldcraft,” as my commander likes to call it. Last year I was going through some major relationship issues and welcomed the trip into the wilderness of Fort Hunter-Liggett. It was three weeks with some major geographical distance from homeland insecurity. I imagined it would be like going on a date with my Higher Power.

I read a book called “Letters to Jenny,” and took pictures of the foreign landscape, and listened. Nature has always been the most spiritually resonant meeting place for me. The surrounding mountains became my sacred cathedral. At least, initially.

But as the time passed, Lady Loneliness came to me and tucked me into a bed of infirmity with a blanket of futility. I would bring home her lullabies of death and fall into another session of alcoholic relapse.

This year was different. I returned to the same fort, but a different FOB (Forward Operating Base). It was called Milpitas. Of course, the soldier slang name for it became “male peters.” I looked it up and found that it comes from an Aztec word meaning “little cornfields.” The dust was in a state of duress, being constantly kicked up by natural gusts of wind and unnatural movement of military vehicles. Many soldiers went to sick call for respiratory issues.

I arrived on site after I had just picked up 9 months sobriety (again). Last year’s relationship issues were on the mend. And I knew I was on a good path for me internally. When I got on the flight and there was a pretty little female in the seat next to me who was willing to talk, and she was showing cleavage, I knew the Goddess was smiling on me. Teacher at a local cosmetology school. Gets to travel to Cali in order to tweak her skills. I was envied by my comrades.

And yes, I always express gratitude to my Higher Power for the creation and display of cleavage. It is a sacred sign of blessing.

Yet, after my first week on site, the loneliness and sense of futility began to take me. I began to withdraw into myself, and silently scream into the invisible abode of God. “What is going on?!”

Then it dawned on me, or maybe was given to me. I am an alcoholic. This was a dry manifestation of my disease. I had a choice to make. I could attempt to white knuckle it like I did last year. Or I could seek help. I decided to choose differently. I asked to see the chaplain and told him I am an alcoholic, and I need to attend meetings if they are available. I think he was dumb-founded that someone was taking responsibility for their own spiritual life. But he assured me that he would check into it. I told him I would be willing to chair a meeting if I was unable to leave the site. I told him that if he could even find me a Big Book (yes, I left it behind – but it is on my packing list from now on), that would be helpful.

We parted ways and I continued to face my daily duties. But asking for help, regardless of the results, made a difference. It seemed to mark a spot in my psyche that proclaimed the value of my sobriety. I was able to connect with others again. The futility vanished. Another reprieve.

The chain of events: The meeting of a second chaplain while on assignment with battalion who wanted to hear my story – both chaplains finding a meeting on fort, the first holding the scribbled contact information like it was the Holy Grail – The second chaplain going with me to this meeting to learn and see if he could bring this back to his unit in Washington state – meeting the tall, bald, solitary gatekeeper who kept the meeting from going black, because this is what he does to stay sober even with 27 years under his belt.  His name was Vernon and I was so grateful he was there. We had a meeting with this gruff old-timer in his motorcycle vest, who waved his arms splattered with tattoos and periodically dropped f-bombs. I felt at home.  The chaplain asked him about his personal commitment to be there and Vernon gave the minister a Big Book and simply said, “page 181, I can’t say it any better than that.”

It is from Dr. Bob’s story and he had the chaplain read it out loud;

I spend a great deal of time passing on what I learned to others who want and need it badly. I do it for four reasons: 1. Sense of duty 2. It is a pleasure 3. Because in so doing I am paying my debt to the man who took time to pass it on to me. 4. Because every time I do it I take out a little more insurance for myself against a possible slip.

The next Sunday, I made arrangements with Vernon to go to another meeting off post in a rustic little Episcopal church. (www.stlukesjolon.org). There were about ten of us altogether, including a dog who was quite friendly and seemed to embody the wide open spirit of the land. They had coffee, and they passed around watermelon slices. I listened, I shared, I was refreshed. And my personal recovery network found a western connection, my own Manifest Destiny (historical reference, not illusions of grandeur), from Georgia to California – Atlantic to Pacific.

On the flight home, the Goddess blessed me with another pretty young female and an inspiring display of cleavage. We talked about her network of friends that allowed her to travel the world and her work at a Swedish furniture company in Philadelphia, that added to her litany of travels by sending her for training to Sweden. I never thought that a cosmetology school or furniture company could be a launching pad for travel and adventure.

I had been inspired by so many human connections because of my decision to take personal responsibility for my sobriety. I received two primary lessons for my recovery. First, that sense of loneliness and futility is the dry form of my disease and acts as a warning flag for possible relapse. The second lesson is in the power of taking action to value my sobriety and know that the action doesn’t require successful results to be effective. I gained faith that something out there cares specifically about me and will reinforce my actions toward sobriety with a sequence of events leading to spiritual freedom.

Oh, and just a side note…there was a mission I passed often in my commute from the FOB to the Battalion that I really want to visit. And I would love to be apart of the Archeological digs that I saw going on out there. (missionsanantonio.net).

I heard yesterday in a meeting a simple concept of steps 2 through 7.  Steps 2 and 3 we establish the God of our understanding, and in so doing, the characteristics we attribute to that GOMU (“God of my understanding”) sets the standards for what we regard as perfection of existence.

In steps 4 and 5, we establish a clear, realistic picture of what we really are, good, bad, ugly.  And in steps 6 and 7, we establish what we want to be, and set out on our journey to reflect the perfection of our Gomu.

The implications for me is that Gomu might simply be our higher self.  It might be the echo of our own perfection speaking to us from an infinite coexistence.  Or it might be a Deity, an Infinite Entity that has encoded within us an awareness of and desire for its nature, a hunger and deep need to connect to this Gomu.  For me, the difficulty with the later is the unique expressions our perspectives of the divine manifest.

There was a mention that the Big Book didn’t actually say much about steps 6 and 7, but in the later publication of the 12 steps and 12 traditions, it was discussed in greater detail.  The phrase “more will be revealed” was used in the meeting.  I know I have heard this thought in my traditional Christian years, and I have heard it in the rooms.  I assumed it was in the Big Book somewhere, and attempted an internet search for it.  I found the following: [http://anonpress.org/faq/files/read.asp?fID=470].  It is another concept that is inferred or maybe paraphrased from the AA literature.  But it does point to the prospect that not only does our individual perspective alter, but the understanding of the group consciousness also changes as more is revealed by…the group Gomu.

So, the pursuit of perfection in the program is subjective and individualistic in its specifics, and it is tested by the utilitarian functionalism in the interactive environment by such important questions as, “Does it keep me clean and sober?”  “Does it improve the quality of my relationships?”  “Am I achieving the state of being happy, joyous, and free as promised in the text?”

Another implication of the standard of perfection for steps 6 and 7 being based on the concepts of Gomu established in steps 2 and 3 is that the path toward perfection may involve the altering of the standard to match our spiritual evolution in step 11.  Our step 10 inventory work may be to adjust our course and relinquish obsolete ideas of perfection.

Whatever adjustments we make it is important to keep the core principles of the program in sight.  I have heard that this is a disease of perception (a disease that profoundly affects and is affected by your perception).  The principles are inferred from the 12 steps of the program listed on pages 59 through 60 in the Big Book.  I do not find them listed by the founders anywhere.  That task was left to their spiritual beneficiaries.  So I refer to this site for a good listing: [http://www.barefootsworld.net/aaprinciples.html].  I have created a page to capture that listing in case this link ever goes dead.

In listening to myself share in the meeting, I fail to use the steps.  I have been in the program long enough so that my experience goes beyond escape from the alcoholic obsession, and should include my own clear guidance through the steps.  My sharing should go beyond the reflection of my ego and point to the steps of the program.  I will soon have my year back and desire to sponsor.

And I need to find my own sponsor in Al-Anon, and continue work with the moon guide.  It will probably be July before I can work on this in earnest.  Gomu keep me until then.

I thought I had discovered another unuseful idea associated with so much resentment against myself.  “I will make stupid mistakes, use poor judgement, and as a result, I will hurt others.”  It has been haunting me for the past two weeks.  Well, it has probably haunted me all my life, but the past few weeks I was able to speak it out and identify what it was saying to me.

Yesterday was full of little hecklers reminding me of my inadequacies.  I got nowhere near being the “amazing” individual I want to be.  I was crumbling inside, and having great difficulty sleeping.  I had made myself responsible for someone’s happiness and felt that I had failed.

I awoke with a profound sense of futility, which is what I tend to use as a serenity substitute.  I am nothing.  So much is lost.  Lonely and frustrated.  Tired.  Depressed again.  I felt the impending doom of yet another judgment day.

I went to an AlAnon meeting and heard my thoughts expressed in the collective.  The profound fear of inadequacy, the sense of futility, the focus on situations and …I belong here, probably more than I do in AA.  This is where I need to find my next sponsor.  I have to make it to that Tuesday men’s group.  This may be why my 12 step progress has been limited.  Most of my resentments and damning experiences have little to do with my actual alcoholism.  It is likely more intimately intwined with my need to fix everything and everyone.

If the obsession of every abnormal drinker (alcoholic) is the idea that somehow, someday he will control and enjoy his liquor drinking, and the persistence of this illusion has led many into the gates of insanity or tragic death, then maybe there is a parallel obsession that I have been talking about here.  It is the persistent illusion that I can control and enjoy those in my intimate sphere and through this process find fulfillment.  I tend to pursue this illusion with suicidal tenacity as well.

I am a double-winner.  I am an alcoholic and an alanonic.

The words in the AlAnon meeting were so very resonant to me, and as a result, my raw emotion resurfaced.  Embarrassing.  I hate crying.  But I went out, got control, and returned to the group.  Because I know that I need to connect.  And I will.

I did a 10th step inventory with the guidance of a friend.  She wrote down an unuseful idea that seemed to come out last night;

I will never be understood and if I try I will be deeply wounded.

I think I have something like that recorded already.  So, maybe that idea is the one I should work on with the moon guide.  Ah, here it is

From Endigar 282 & 277;

~ The concepts and thoughts that I value will be overshadowed by a stronger presence. The products of my mind and heart will be dismissed as insignificant in a crowd, and assaulted in the presence of a strong presentation. This idea moves me into withdrawal seasoned with a continuous, simmering, judgment or open and probably unwarranted aggression. People are usually surprised by the latter. Another idea that came out that seems related is that I would become nobody if not cloaked in some special ability.

~ Uncontrolled and spiritually undeveloped people will attack or hurt me. This leads me to create protective alliances by pretending weakness, vulnerability, or hurt. I call this the belly up manipulation. It is such an ingrained practice that I don’t realize when I am doing it.

Is this a root idea, or is it a resulting fear of something else? Is it related to the discussion of masculinity in Endigar 307? A couple of other ideas that seem to be close relatives to these are:

~ Personal assertions that are not wrapped in a mantle of pain, depression, and anguish will not be taken seriously. Assertions expressed with happiness will be seen as frivolous and thus, discarded. I realized I felt this at a Hoot Owl meeting this weekend when the topic was on laughter and not being a glum lot. It appears that this might create the deliberate manufacture of misery, a habit of morbid self-reflection, and the need to condemn simplicity.

~ Honesty is a social control mechanism and has very little to do with the discovery of truth. When I hear someone say, “I just want you to be honest with me,” I translate that to mean, “I just want you to give me enough personal information to ensnare you.” When I got my first Big Book, I attempted to go through and mark out and replace every mention of the word HONESTY with the word TRUTH. I gave up, because it was all over the place in my book.

The true powerlessness here belongs to the actual root idea, and I am just not sure what that is. I need to get with my guide and talk some more on this.

Just started reading “How Al-Anon Works.”

For those of us who never even knew the drinker, recognizing the true nature of the problem can be even more difficult.  We may have been affected by the alcoholism of a grandparent or distant relative whom we barely knew, or by relatives or friends who have been sober as long as we’ve known them.  Yet the effects of this disease are no less profound and far-reaching.  Often, our relatives never recognized the effects of alcoholism and inadvertently passed on those effects to us.  We may, for instance, have picked up the struggle in the form of daily bouts with anxiety, or we may have difficulty trusting anyone or anything, always waiting for chaos or disaster to strike, even when all seems well.

This resonates for me.

Even if we have no idea whether or not anyone around us has had a drinking problem, we can see the effects of alcoholism in our own lives if we know what to look for.  We who have been affected by someone else’s drinking find ourselves inexplicably haunted by insecurity, fear, guilt, obsession with others, or an overwhelming need to control every person and situation we encounter.  And although our loved ones appear to be the ones with the problems, we secretly blame ourselves, feeling that somehow we are the cause of the trouble, or that we should have been able to overcome it with love, prayer, hard work, intelligence, or perseverance.

Yes, I have felt this.  Hurt and worried.  Frustrated.  Resentful.

We urge you to try our program.  It has helped many of us find solutions that lead to serenity.  So much depends on our own attitudes, and as we learn to place our problem in its true perspective, we find it loses its power to dominate our thoughts and lives.

Maybe.

Page 28, the 12 & 12;

Sometimes A.A. comes harder to those who have lost or rejected faith than to those who never had any faith at all, for they think they have tried faith and found it wanting.  They have tried the way of faith and the way of no faith.  Since both ways have proved bitterly disappointing, they have concluded there is no place whatever for them to go.  The roadblocks of indifference, fancied self-sufficiency, prejudice, and defiance often prove more solid and formidable for these people than any erected by the unconvinced agnostic or even the militant atheist.  Religion says the existence of God can be proved; the agnostic says it can’t be proved; and the atheist claims proof of the nonexistence of God.  Obviously, the dilemma of the wanderer from faith is that of profound confusion.  He thinks himself lost to the comfort of any conviction at all.  He cannot attain in even a small degree the assurance of the believer, the agnostic, or the atheist.  He is the bewildered one.

Page 29;

Finally , when all our score cards read ‘zero,’ and we saw that one more strike would put us out of the game forever, we had to look for our lost faith.  It was in A.A. that we rediscovered it.  And so can you.

LOTR Quote;

From the ashes a fire shall be woken,

A light from the shadows shall spring;

Renewed shall be blade that was broken,

The crownless again shall be king.

God grant me the Serenity to flow like water

The Courage to stand like stone

And the Wisdom to know balance

I met with the Moon Guide yesterday evening.  We talked again of masculine and feminine energy, and in particular, my problems with their interaction within me.  Our conversation traveled to the Tao, with its metaphor of stone and water.  We considered the assertion that all gender does not limit the use of energy from either source.  And we established that I use the feminine energy when I operate in empathy and sensitivity with others.  I have regarded my empathy as weakness, when in fact it can be a great and needed gift.  I use masculine energy as well, but seem to get frustrated with the way in which I use it.  What I appreciate about masculinity is its ability to cut through obstacles of confusion and provide direct guidance.

As we talked, I began to see that it is the development of manipulation as a method to assert these two energies.  It appears most common in the use of the feminine energy and it appears to me that it breeds delusion.  And it is most repulsive to me when masculine energy is expressed in this way, becoming an annoying  passive aggressive intrusion to true confident strength.

I love the unrepentant expression of masculine and feminine energy.  It is this manipulation that I cannot stand, and that I seem to fall prey to myself.  And then I become the target of my own disgust.

I have recently experienced being forthright and truthful, and that seems to secure sanity.

The Moon Guide mentioned ground-hog day, that there is plenty of empirical evidence throughout human history that we relive some situations over and over until we get it right.  I am not sure that I have ever seen that movie, but know the premise of it.  He said this to counter my tendency to yawn at life and believe that it might be better to go ahead and close this iteration because I have experienced all the primary joys of life.

The Moon Guide discussed the failings of human will, and that what recovery and other spiritual pursuits seem to point to is the power of perception.  A change in perception can gain access to motivation.  For human beings, motivation equals power.  I have heard him say that he does not believe in lazy people, only unmotivated ones.

The Moon Guide mentioned, and this was brought up by my slave, that they believe I might have Asperger’s Syndrome.  But he said that if I do, that it is to a low degree.  He said that the systems I have developed would make some good fictional writing.

And as far as the steps go, I need to get an active sponsor and finish step nine.  He said he doesn’t believe that I need to start over.  All and all, I think it was a rather fruitful conversation.