Daily Reprieve

I did a 10th step inventory with the guidance of a friend.  She wrote down an unuseful idea that seemed to come out last night;

I will never be understood and if I try I will be deeply wounded.

I think I have something like that recorded already.  So, maybe that idea is the one I should work on with the moon guide.  Ah, here it is

From Endigar 282 & 277;

~ The concepts and thoughts that I value will be overshadowed by a stronger presence. The products of my mind and heart will be dismissed as insignificant in a crowd, and assaulted in the presence of a strong presentation. This idea moves me into withdrawal seasoned with a continuous, simmering, judgment or open and probably unwarranted aggression. People are usually surprised by the latter. Another idea that came out that seems related is that I would become nobody if not cloaked in some special ability.

~ Uncontrolled and spiritually undeveloped people will attack or hurt me. This leads me to create protective alliances by pretending weakness, vulnerability, or hurt. I call this the belly up manipulation. It is such an ingrained practice that I don’t realize when I am doing it.

Is this a root idea, or is it a resulting fear of something else? Is it related to the discussion of masculinity in Endigar 307? A couple of other ideas that seem to be close relatives to these are:

~ Personal assertions that are not wrapped in a mantle of pain, depression, and anguish will not be taken seriously. Assertions expressed with happiness will be seen as frivolous and thus, discarded. I realized I felt this at a Hoot Owl meeting this weekend when the topic was on laughter and not being a glum lot. It appears that this might create the deliberate manufacture of misery, a habit of morbid self-reflection, and the need to condemn simplicity.

~ Honesty is a social control mechanism and has very little to do with the discovery of truth. When I hear someone say, “I just want you to be honest with me,” I translate that to mean, “I just want you to give me enough personal information to ensnare you.” When I got my first Big Book, I attempted to go through and mark out and replace every mention of the word HONESTY with the word TRUTH. I gave up, because it was all over the place in my book.

The true powerlessness here belongs to the actual root idea, and I am just not sure what that is. I need to get with my guide and talk some more on this.

This entry was posted on January 22, 2012 at 7:14 pm and is filed under Uncategorized with tags Addiction, Alcoholism, Journal, Life, Personal, Recovery, Spirituality. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.