Endigar 312

I thought I had discovered another unuseful idea associated with so much resentment against myself.  “I will make stupid mistakes, use poor judgement, and as a result, I will hurt others.”  It has been haunting me for the past two weeks.  Well, it has probably haunted me all my life, but the past few weeks I was able to speak it out and identify what it was saying to me.

Yesterday was full of little hecklers reminding me of my inadequacies.  I got nowhere near being the “amazing” individual I want to be.  I was crumbling inside, and having great difficulty sleeping.  I had made myself responsible for someone’s happiness and felt that I had failed.

I awoke with a profound sense of futility, which is what I tend to use as a serenity substitute.  I am nothing.  So much is lost.  Lonely and frustrated.  Tired.  Depressed again.  I felt the impending doom of yet another judgment day.

I went to an AlAnon meeting and heard my thoughts expressed in the collective.  The profound fear of inadequacy, the sense of futility, the focus on situations and …I belong here, probably more than I do in AA.  This is where I need to find my next sponsor.  I have to make it to that Tuesday men’s group.  This may be why my 12 step progress has been limited.  Most of my resentments and damning experiences have little to do with my actual alcoholism.  It is likely more intimately intwined with my need to fix everything and everyone.

If the obsession of every abnormal drinker (alcoholic) is the idea that somehow, someday he will control and enjoy his liquor drinking, and the persistence of this illusion has led many into the gates of insanity or tragic death, then maybe there is a parallel obsession that I have been talking about here.  It is the persistent illusion that I can control and enjoy those in my intimate sphere and through this process find fulfillment.  I tend to pursue this illusion with suicidal tenacity as well.

I am a double-winner.  I am an alcoholic and an alanonic.

The words in the AlAnon meeting were so very resonant to me, and as a result, my raw emotion resurfaced.  Embarrassing.  I hate crying.  But I went out, got control, and returned to the group.  Because I know that I need to connect.  And I will.

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