Daily Reprieve

From Today’s Daily Reflections;

We want to find exactly how, when, and where our natural desires have warped us. We wish to look squarely at the unhappiness this has caused others and ourselves. By discovering what our emotional deformities are, we can move toward their correction.  (Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, page 43)

Today I am no longer a slave to alcohol, yet in so many ways enslavement still threatens – my self, my desires, even my dreams. Yet without dreams I cannot exist; without dreams there is nothing to keep me moving forward.

I must look inside myself, to free myself. I must call upon God’s power to face the person I’ve feared the most, the true me, the person God created me to be. Unless I can or until I do, I will always be running, and never be truly free. I ask God daily to show me such a freedom!

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There is a positive side to the moral inventory that is so very often overlooked.  There is a negative and positive aspect to freedom and both are needed.  “Freedom from” needs to be followed by “freedom to.”  Freedom from the tyranny of addiction needs to be followed by the freedom to dream, to become, to manifest my highest and most powerful form of Self.  If I never see what I am to become, then I become a professional judge promoting fear in what I was.  I become the crusty old timer whose nasty example of sobriety repulses me.  “I have been sober for over 20 years and I have protected the world from the horrible person I was, and am.”  The same could have been achieved by suicide, and often is.

I believe this is a missing aspect of sponsorship and it weakens recovery examples.  Showing the positive freedom of high-self manifestation is an important path from the purgatory of abstinence to the spiritual domain of sobriety.  Are we to become monks beating our backs with the whips of self-castigation?  No, I think not.  We are to take a business-like attitude and inventory what is harmful or of no benefit and take steps to remove that from the internal stock.  Then we get on with the business of life and identify what is strong and worthwhile and market that for the healing and empowerment of our species.

The moral inventory should lead us to the power and pleasure of being alive.

From Today’s Daily Reflections;

And, speaking for Dr. Bob and myself, I gratefully declare that had it not been for our wives, Anne and Lois, neither of us could have lived to see A.A.’s beginning.  (The A.A. Way of Life, page 67)

Am I capable of such generous tribute and gratitude to my wife, parents and friends, without whose support I might never have survived to reach A.A.’s doors? I will work on this and try to see the plan my Higher Power is showing me which links our lives together.

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I am grateful for the support of my Father and late Mother, my sisters and brothers, and . . . a submissive woman whose devotion to me during some of my worst times allowed her entry past my best defenses.  I love her and I am deeply grateful for her magical appearance.  I must also thank myself for refusing to give up, and for finding a reason to live on in a post apocalyptic world.  I can give outwardly only what I can accept inwardly.

I am grateful that my children have survived and now thrive beyond ground zero of the apocalyptic event of 2003, and that my former wife is now my friend.

From Today’s Daily Reflections;

We were having trouble with personal relationships, we couldn’t control our emotional natures, we were a prey to misery and depression, we couldn’t make a living, we had a feeling of uselessness, we were full of fear, we were unhappy, we couldn’t seem to be of real help to other people. . . . (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 52)

These words remind me that I have more problems than alcohol, that alcohol is only a symptom of a more pervasive disease. When I stopped drinking I began a lifetime process of recovery from unruly emotions, painful relationships, and unmanageable situations. This process is too much for most of us without help from a Higher Power and our friends in the Fellowship. When I began working the Steps of the A.A. program, many of these tangled threads unraveled but, little by little, the most broken places of my life straightened out. One day at a time, almost imperceptibly, I healed. Like a thermostat being turned down, my fears diminished. I began to experience moments of contentment. My emotions became less volatile. I am now once again a part of the human family.

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I collect magical moments that cause me to say, I healed.  Theses events get strung together as I continue to practice connecting.  Sometimes, it is a daunting process.  I need my tribe and my Gomu (God of my understanding).  I need my sacred places and times.  I need my night fires and the human grunting of binding stories.  I need to belong.

From Today’s Daily Reflections;

We have not once sought to be one in a family, to be a friend among friends, to be a worker among workers, to be a useful member of society. Always we tried to struggle to the top of the heap, or to hide underneath it. This self-centered behavior blocked a partnership relation with any one of those about us. Of true brotherhood we had small comprehension (Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, page 53)

This message contained in Step Four was the first one I heard loud and clear; I hadn’t seen myself in print before! Prior to my coming into A.A., I knew of no place that could teach me how to become a person among persons. From my very first meeting, I saw people doing just that and I wanted what they had. One of the reasons that I’m a happy, sober alcoholic today is that I’m learning this most important lesson.

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This is probably the most difficult lesson for me.  It is an ongoing challenge.  The fourth step has shown me some clues.  I think this social anxiety and distrust is what truly keeps me residing in the purgatory of abstinence, with only a few glimpses of spiritual and emotional sobriety.

From Today’s Daily Reflections;

“This very real feeling of inferiority is magnified by his childish sensitivity and it is this state of affairs which generates in him that insatiable, abnormal craving for self-approval and success in the eyes of the world.  Still a child, he cries for the moon.  And the moon, it seems, won’t have him!”  (The Language of the Heart, page 102)

While drinking I seemed to vacillate between feeling totally invisible and believing I was the center of the universe.  Searching for that elusive balance between the two has become a major part of my recovery.  The moon I constantly cried for is, in sobriety, rarely full;  it shows me instead its many other phases, and there are lessons in them all.  True learning has often followed an eclipse, a time of darkness, but with each cycle of my recovery, the light grows stronger and my vision is clearer.

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(feeling of inferiority) childish sensitivity = (craving for self-approval and success in eyes of world) insatiable, abnormal = Immature child cries for the unobtainable and experiences a rejection he has manufactured.

|-invisibility| – |+center of universe| = drinking (0) in response to manufactured rejection

(|-invisibility| + |+center of universe|)/2 = balance in recovery

It appears to me that creating formulas of internal logic to prove to myself that I am significant is a common pathway for manufactured rejection.  I scream out to my surrounding universe, “I am either Everything, or I am Nothing, what is Your answer going to be!”

I hold myself hostage because I desperately want to be number one with something or somebody.  I carry within me a very frightened child.  The recovery program teaches me to turn the situation around, and look to the GOMU (God of my understanding) and ask that question of myself.  I give to the Universe what I desperately want to receive.  My new question then is, when I consider my God, can I give myself to an all-consuming everything relationship?  If I need to receive that, I need to learn how to give it.  I am an alcoholic, and I have approached life with an everything or nothing attitude.  By giving what i desire to have in my primary spiritual relationship, I will discover just how significant my existence is to my God.  Then I can find balance and learn from all phases of the Moon.

“When we became alcoholics, crushed by a self-imposed crises we could not postpone or evade, we had to fearlessly face the proposition that either God is everything or else He is nothing. God either is or He isn’t. What was our choice to be?” (page 53, Alcoholics Anonymous)

From Today’s Daily Reflections;

We finally saw that the inventory should be ours, not the other man’s. So we admitted our wrongs honestly and became willing to set these matters straight.  (As Bill Sees It, page 222)

Why is it that the alcoholic is so unwilling to accept responsibility? I used to drink because of the things that other people did to me. Once I came to A.A. I was told to look at where I had been wrong. What did I have to do with all these different matters? When I simply accepted that I had a part in them, I was able to put it on paper and see it for what it was – humanness. I am not expected to be perfect! I have made errors before and I will make them again. To be honest about them allows me to accept them – and myself – and those with whom I had the differences; from there, recovery is just a short distance ahead.

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For me, when I made my list of resentments, I primarily resented my own weakness and God’s apathy.  Everyone else played minor roles reflecting this primary inner conflict. Working the 4th step lead me to a personal list of damning expectations that I placed on myself, on God, and on others. I completed the 4th step three times over the course of several years, and on the final round my sponsor wrote in red ink, “Rule 62.” The story of Rule 62 can be found in the Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions talking about tradition 4, pages 146 – 149. It is simply a call for humility that will save the alcoholic / addict from the tyranny of these damning expectations. Rule 62: “Don’t take yourself too damn seriously.”

From Today’s Daily Reflections;

Demands made upon other people for too much attention, protection, and love can only invite domination or revulsion . . .  (Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, page 44)

When I uncovered my need for approval in the Fourth Step, I didn’t think it should rank as a character defect. I wanted to think of it more as an asset (that is, the desire to please people). It was quickly pointed out to me that this “need” can be very crippling. Today I still enjoy getting the approval of others, but I am not willing to pay the price I used to pay to get it. I will not bend myself into a pretzel to get others to like me. If I get your approval, that’s fine; but if I don’t, I will survive without it. I am responsible for speaking what I perceive to be the truth, not what I think others may want to hear.

Similarly, my false pride always kept me overly concerned about my reputation. Since being enlightened in the A.A. program, my aim is to improve my character.

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In the recovery rooms I have often heard my alcoholic disease personified.  King Alcohol.  Lower Power.  It wants to cut me off and kill me.  It desires this, like some living, snarling devil.

In my churchian days, I used to blame a lot on the devil.  It was a good way for me to avoid dealing with difficult issues head-on. I can remember telling my former wife when we argued that this was Satan working to rip us a part. So, we avoided issues that should have been brought out into the open. We had money difficulties and I framed it as our own personal martyrdom in the face of a devil that does not want us to prosper.  I gave to the church in hopes of a magical solution rather than working to change my approach to life.

I believe that the taproot of my addiction is a continuous level of anxiety. If the normal non-threat level of natural anxiety is a 01, I walk around with a 03. A stress producing event that ramps up that level by another 3 points would cause a normal person to be at 04 and would cause me to jump to a panic level of 06. This causes my emotions to have an exaggerated effect on me. Learning to find serenity is not just a good idea for me, it is life and death. I want what everyone else wants, I just want it more and quicker. I have to be able to process life on life’s terms as opposed to life on fear’s terms.

In order to find serenity, I have to know the truth about me. I must learn to process my emotions as servants, not masters. If I do this, the presence of a devil is irrelevant. My addiction is unplugged at the source.

Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.  (Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, page 42)

Step Four is the vigorous and painstaking effort to discover what the liabilities in each of us have been, and are. I want to find exactly how, when, and where my natural desires have warped me. I wish to look squarely at the unhappiness this has caused others and myself. By discovering what my emotional deformities are, I can move toward their correction. Without a willing and persistent effort to do this, there can be little sobriety or contentment for me.

To resolve ambivalent feelings, I need to feel a strong and helpful sense of myself. Such an awareness doesn’t happen overnight, and no one’s self-awareness is permanent. Everyone has the capacity for growth, and for self-awareness, through an honest encounter with reality. When I don’t avoid issues but met them directly, always trying to resolve them, they become fewer and fewer.

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What am I looking for when I am conducting a fearless moral inventory?  The contributor to today’s reflection say that I am seeking out Inner Liabilities, the Warped places in me produced by (Exaggerated) Natural Desires, my Inner Sources of Unhappiness to others and myself, Emotional Deformities, Unresolved Ambivalent Feelings, Personal Issues, and ways to resist the Temporary State of my Self-Awareness.

What happens when I know these things about myself?  What am I seeking to do about it?  The contributor says that I am seeking Correction, Sobriety, and Contentment. I am looking to build a Strong and Helpful Sense of Myself knowing that it will be a Long Term and Repetitive Process requiring willingness and persistent effort. I am seeking an Honest, Truthful Encounter with Reality to Foster Growth and Self-Awareness. I am to meet my personal Issues Directly and Attempt to Resolve them.

The moral inventory is a solitary intelligence gathering process. The sponsor is there to help keep me from being bogged down in morbid self-reflection or to give up in an old habit of denial. The power of the corrective action I take with my sponsor’s help will be proportional to the determined accuracy of my intelligence gathering mission.

From Today’s Daily Reflections;

On the A.A. calendar it was Year Two . . . A new-comer appeared at one of these groups . . . He soon proved that his was a desperate case, and that above all he wanted to get well. . . . [He said], “Since I am the victim of another addiction even worse stigmatized than alcoholism, you may not want me among you.” (Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, pages 141-42)

I came to you – a wife, mother, woman who had walked out on her husband, children, family. I was a drunk, a pill-head, a nothing. Yet no one denied me love, caring, a sense of belonging. Today, by God’s grace and the love of a good sponsor and a home group, I can say that – through you in Alcoholics Anonymous – I am a wife, a mother, a grandmother and a woman. Sober. Free of pills. Responsible.

Without a Higher Power I found in the Fellowship, my life would be meaningless. I am full of gratitude to be a member of good standing in Alcoholics Anonymous.

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I carry a bit of anxiety with me most of the time. It is taking longer than I would like to work on it and make serenity a way of life rather than of series a events. That anxiety often manifests most strongly in social situations. It is hard for me to connect. I imagine that is not an uncommon situation for the alcoholic / addict. I discovered that certain social rituals are meant to encourage members to risk opening up. “My name is Whoever and I am an alcoholic.” The group responds, “Hello Whoever.” We hold hands to establish our physical link to establish our circle of mutual protection during the prayer. In service and sponsorship we make connections and gain courage to share our reality and to taste the message of recovery. The 12 Step Fellowship has given me some of the closest friends I have ever had. I am hopeful.

From Today’s Daily Reflections;

“. . . sometimes the good is the enemy of the best.” (Alcoholics Anonymous Comes of Age, page 101)

I think these words apply to every area of A.A.’s Three Legacies:  Recovery, Unity, and Service!  I want them etched in my mind and life as I “trudge the Road of Happy Destiny” (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 164).  These words, often spoken by co-founder Bill W., were appropriately said to him as the result of the group’s conscience.  It brought home to Bill W. the essence of our Second Tradition:  “Our leaders are but trusted servants; they do not govern.”

Just as Bill W. was originally urged to remember, I think that in our group discussions we should never settle for the “good,” but always strive to attain the “best.”  These common strivings are yet another example of a loving God, as we understand Him, expressing Himself through the group conscience.  Experiences such as these help me to stay on the proper path of recovery.  I learn to combine initiative with humility, responsibility with thankfulness, and thus relish the joys of living my twenty-four hour program.

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The human mind and heart can detect the good.  Sometimes we discover the better, but can anyone really see the best?  This sounds to me like another form of perfectionism.  In keeping with the spirit of  seeking progress rather than perfection, I reword the quote to say that sometimes the good solution perceived by the solitary mind is the enemy of the better solution revealed in the group conscience.  The best solution is something I suspect is visible only to the Infinite One, and often comes to me disguised as the better solution of the group conscience.  Is that because the best solution is wrapped up in being able to connect with each other and God?