Daily Reprieve

From Courage to Change of April 02;

I have heard that the time to be especially gentle with myself is not when I’m doing well, but when I’m doing poorly. I may be able to push myself hard when things are going my way, but I invite trouble if I try this when I’m already struggling to manage the basic activities of my life. I used to worry that if I didn’t push myself all the time, I would turn into a slug and nothing would get done. But my Fourth Step inventory showed me that the opposite is true. I tend to be very hard on myself, so hard at times that I make my own life unmanageable. As a result, I often accomplish less than I would if I took a more gentle approach. For me, the best antidote is the slogan, “Easy Does It.”

When I notice that I’m having trouble with my day, I try to slow down. And instead of automatically assuming I am wrong, I try to consider the possibility that I might be right on schedule.

Today’s Reminder

“Easy Does It” suggests not only that I learn to slow down, but also that I lean to lighten up. Today I will strove to take a more accepting attitude toward myself and to enjoy the day, regardless of what I achieve.

“Improving our own attitudes, and our own state of mind, takes time. Haste and impatience can only defeat our purposes.” ~ This Is Al-Anon

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There is a distinct difference in the aggressive positive selfishness needed to overcome addiction and the gentle self care necessary to navigate life with humans.

The first reality I have to embrace is that I am not God. I cannot mastermind the perfections of my fellow human beings according to the enlightenment of my personal experience. There is only one human being I am capable and thus responsible for perfecting through the actions of my free will and that is me. This is Self-to-self recitation.

The next thing I have had to grasp is that there is something or someone out there that seems to give a damn about humanity. This entity cares greatly about helping without overriding free will. Many use the variable term God to refer to this invisible and apparently intelligent force. It has both the power and desire to nurture the very best that we can be. I am not that being. And I can give up trying to be God because that position is already taken.

If I ever want to find this God/Goddess being, I involve myself in helping others, because that is where it really likes to hang out. I don’t help others to become their God, but to get to know and develop a relationship with the One who gives a damn about humans and life and freedom.

These realities help me to surrender to my own need for self-care, for Self-to-self recitation and nurturing.

From Courage to Change of April 01;

I’ve heard acceptance mentioned at meetings as one part of the “Three A’s” — Awareness, Acceptance, and Action. However, I am inclined to try to jump from awareness to action without even pausing for acceptance. My thinking goes like this: “Something’s wrong! Quick, let me fix it before I have to feel any discomfort.”

The problem is that until I accept the situation , defect, or memory that has come to my awareness, I can rarely take effective action or live serenely with the consequences. The action doesn’t work or it makes things worse, and I feel helpless and hopeless. Even if it does work, I am usually too full of self-doubt to realize it. Most of the time, I still have to go back, sit still, feel the feelings, and come to some acceptance. It helps to be reminded that my Higher Power already accepts me and my situation–and loves me on the bad days as well as the good.

Today’s Reminder

Moving from awareness to acceptance to action takes time, but the benefits are worth the wait. As I learn to accept my defects, circumstances, and feelings, I learn that I am a worthwhile human being just as I am. With that kind of self-acceptance, I begin to see my options, and slowly I can begin to take action, to change.

“. . . Someone suggested I stop concentrating on changing myself and think first about accepting myself. That gave me the boost I needed.” ~ Alateen–a day at a time

 

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During my first rehab, I was “prescribed” to read the section in the book, Alcoholics  Anonymous, that talked about acceptance being the solution to all my problems. I was to read it daily. I had issues I found unacceptable. Acceptance holds a central part in the Serenity Prayer as well.

To be honest, I do not recall ever hearing or reading about the three As of Al-Anon. It does not surprise me that acceptance is included. I think it is important that it is couple with awareness to prevent acceptance from fermenting into apathy. And I like the fact that it is linked with a destiny of some constructive action. It not a call to perpetual navel gazing nor a ticket to the isolated cell of morbid self-reflection. It is another manner in which we get to know ourselves, value our existence, and then to seek out a way to fulfill the mantra, “to thine own self be true.”

The developed skill of acceptance is a foundation for the capacity of tolerance necessary to help others. What I do to me, I will do to others. That is the reality this program has revealed to me. And I am grateful.

The laughter provided me today was my daughter’s attempt to surprise me with a visit, securing herself in the darkness of my kitchen. It was a fun laughter mixed with deep gratitude for the moment.

Tonight, the auto-correct function transformed “Poe’s influence” that I was talk-to-text writing into “hoes in Florence.”

I laughed. As did God and Poe.

From Courage to Change of March 31;

Al-Anon is where many of us who have lived with alcoholism begin to grow up for the first time. We learn to face the world as it really is and to take responsibility for our actions. We deal with our feeling and share honestly about our experiences. We learn about ourselves and nurture our spiritual growth and our physical and mental well-being. We become responsible adults.

An important part of the serious business of recovery involves recognizing our need to have fun–to take a tri, fly a kite, attend a concert, make noise, race down the street, or blow bubbles. Light-heartedness cn put troublesome situations into perspective. It reminds us that there is more to life than the problem at hand.

Taking ourselves too seriously won’t solve a problem any quicker. In fact, taking a break may help more than continuing to struggle–even Jello must be left alone in order to form as it should. A good laugh may be the best tool available to help us let go, and we’ll come back to our task refreshed.

Today’s Reminder

A well-developed sense of humor helps me detach from my personal struggles and triumphs. I will avoid taking myself too seriously today.

“One inch of joy surmounts of grief a span, because to laugh is proper to the man” ~ François Rabelais

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This is one of those times when the provided reading is right on target and is something I needed to hear, but not something I wanted.

Life in America lends itself toward some intensely dark seriousness. At least it does for me. And giggling seems like irresponsibility and social abdication.

I suppose humor, gratitude and satisfaction are the product of being able to trust my Higher Power. I really want to have that embedded within. Right now, I will chose to trust and to remain open for God’s laughter to manifest.

From Courage to Change of March 30;

When I heard that Al-Anon was a program in which we learn to keep the focus on ourselves, I wondered what others would think of me if I acted on that principle? Surely they would think me inconsiderate, thoughtless, and uncaring. Those were my complaints about the alcoholics in my life! I didn’t want to be that way. Instead, I tried to do things for others that seemed loving and generous, even when I didn’t want to do them. I couldn’t understand why I so often grew resentful after such actions.

My efforts to be selfless by trying to please everyone but myself weren’t working. The focus was on their response rather than on what seemed right for me to do. There was nothing unconditional about this kind of giving. My Sponser helped me to see that if I paid more attention to myself and to doing what I thought was best, I would be free to give without strings attached. Then I could truly be generous.

Today’s Reminder

The Al-Anon program works when I keep the focus on myself, attend lots of Al-Anon meetings, and make recovery my top priority. As I become more fully myself, I am better able to treat others with love and respect.

“We are best able to help others when we ourselves have learned the way to achieve serenity.” ~ The Twelve Steps and Traditions

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There is a paradox of selfishness in the 12 Step programs of AA and Al-Anon. I was introduced to it by the statements “This is a selfish program, not for those who need it, but for those who want it,” followed by “selfishness – self-centeredness! This is the root of our troubles. We must be rid of this selfishness or it kills us. Active addiction is fueled by self-will run riot.” Only a paradoxical solution allows both to be true. This was the beginning of something I desperately needed in my life. If the English language was more specific, we would have two separate words to resolve this apparent contradiction of our perspective on selfishness. As far as I know, we do not.

The “bad” selfishness is isolating and resistant to accountability. It attempts to control the world around it, distrusting all that interferes with that agenda. It prevents those who suffer from getting help. It prevents those who care from being useful. It is deadly.

The “good” selfishness is the fall down seven get up eight resilience that causes an individual to overcome personal fear and leave the familiar behind for a potential solution. It is the desire to truly live even if that requires entering a room full of strangers who have what I want.

This good selfishness is more than self-care. It is a highly aggressive “hell yeah” to a fulfilling life. The fruit of this selfishness is inspiration and social utility. I become useful to others who want to live by tightly embracing the value of my own life. My example gives permission to others to do the same. My world becomes a better place when they do.

From Courage to Change of March 29;

It’s time I started being nicer to myself. The voices in my head that tell me I’m not good enough do not speak the truth; they merely reflect the damaged self-esteem that results from living with alcoholism. When I recognize that fact, I can tell them to be quiet! I will no longer listen!

Al-Anon recovery has given me gentler, loving thoughts. These remind me that I am lovable and I can learn to love myself. When I open my mind enough to hear that message, I can begin to hear all the other wonderful sounds of life, and the abusive thoughts vanish.

Today’s Reminder

Treating myself with kindness and respect helps me to challenge my own self-criticism. Today I will pay particular attention to any voice that speaks lovingly.

“We need to learn to live, to focus on something good or useful to our lives and let the rest of the world go about its business.” ~ How Can I Help My Children?

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I often hear a chorus of voices that fire off in my brain – that hate me and make no bones about it. I think this is one of the reasons why I get along with everyone. My most potent venom is directed inward.

My mother was an adult child of an alcoholic and that unresolved pain rippled to her children.

The demoralization of active addiction takes generations to overcome, and those of us who desire to extinguish the flames of a family curse have to break all the mirrors in the cranial cavern except for those that are invested, truly invested, in our well-being. The 12 Step program produces some of these empowering reflectors. I am grateful to have something to compete with that chorus of condemnation.

From Courage to Change of March 28;

What happens when I physically hold on tight to something? I turn my head away. I squeeze my eyes shut. My knuckles ache as my fists clench. Fingernails bite into my palms. I exhaust myself. I hurt!

On the other hand, when I trust God to give me what I need, I let go. I face forward. my hands are free for healthy, loving, and enjoyable activities. I find unexpected reserves of energy. My eyes open to see fresh opportunities, many of which have been there all along.

Before I complain about my suffering, I might do well to examine myself. I may be surprised by the amount of pain I can release by simply letting go.

Today’s Reminder

How much can God give me if I am not open to receive? When I hold onto a problem, a fear, or a resentment, I shut myself off to the help that is available to me. I will loosen my grip on something today. I will let go and let God.

“All I had to do was become the least bit willing to open my clutched fist a tiny, grudging bit and miracles happened. That’s God as I understand Him toady.” ~ As We Understood . . .

 

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What have I done with the gift of open hands? I petted the head of my fat and happy feline friend who displays her satisfaction with life by laying on her back in her roadkill pose. I have texted my children who live lives strong and free. I have those in my intimate sphere, to include my sponsor, that I touch base with as regularly as my sputtering discipline will allow. I do not milk my Higher Power like a cow when I am able to release my fearful demands. I honor the free will of those that surround me. I resist that sense of responsibility to hold my heart in a death grip of martyred control. I inhale and exhale with all the trusting faith that I find available in the rooms and in the faces of those who are also free to invest in others. I listen for the whispers of Lady Liberty, which is the Spirit of my Higher Power.

I imagine my addiction as a vine that wraps around a pole and uses its strength to climb, to intertwine with its surrounding and then to bare toxic fruit for myself and those I love.

The pole is a legitimate goal or pursuit. When it is embraced by the vine it is difficult to tell the two apart. The pole that my addiction finds greatest success in hijacking is my pursuit of happiness and satisfaction in the written word.

A little while back I discovered that Stephen King is a recovered alcoholic and addict. I read that there are writings such as “Christine” that he did not remember writing because it was a blur of chemical oblivion. His family and friends finally staged an intervention in the late 80’s.

My recovery applauded. My addiction looked at the work he did prior to his recovery. And then it whispered in my ear, “What about field testing that possibility? My recovery became the little boy with the Shining desperately repeating “Red Rum! Red Rum! Red Rum!” That message was only understood when I looked in the mirror.

“Murder all that you are.”

“Murder all that you love.”

“Murder all that could have been useful to others who struggle.”

So, I remove the vine and the pole and plant instead an oak sapling. It is slower but stronger. There can be no more quick and easy vines to tend. It is a long road and I cannot shy away from the pain in the journey. This is and always has been the beginning of my Sacred Grove.

From Courage to Change of March 27;

I used to think that living meant surviving from crisis to crisis. I continued to function this way as an adult because it was the only way I knew.

Since that time, the Al-Anon fellowship has become like family to me. Our Twelve Traditions help me learn how a healthy family group functions. Today, when a problem involving other people arises, I turn to the Traditions for guidance.

They have made it possible for me to be part of a group that encourages my growth. They have led me to learn to detach, to respect other people’s privacy, and to find some release from my need to dominate and control. Because of the Twelve Traditions, I have discovered that I am an important member of any group in which I take part. I have a sense of my own value, as well as my limitations. As a result, I am developing “the wisdom to know the difference” between what I can change and what I must accept.

Today’s Reminder

Because the Traditions are based on spiritual principles, they often apply to personal matters as well as group concerns. When I get tangled up in problems with other people, the Traditions can offer guidance and perspective.

“The Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions embody principles that lead to recovery and personal growth, helping each of us to discover and become the person we want to be.” ~ Al-Anon Spoken Here

 

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A counselor once surprised me with the notion that family’s are supposed to improve the lives of their members and all of the individual efforts should be fashioned to achieve that goal. It made sense after he described this ideal to me. When I examined my own view of family, I saw wagons circled in the desert protecting us from the savage outsiders. Protected status in the home required me to know certain code words and behaviors to stay free of “friendly fire.”

I carried this skilled façade into the creation of my own family. There were things that we should have addressed that I blamed on Satan. Satan was code for repressed and forbidden conversations. Until there was an epic crisis completely out of my control, I remained in a state of religiously supported co-dependent self-delusion.

The Twelve Steps empowered me to quit blaming Satan and outsiders and take responsibility for the realities of my life. This is life on life’s terms for me. Although I am not currently able to colonize on that planet called Truth, I tighten my orbit every day. I examine my motives and refuse to accept fear as invincible. As a result, I have developed these three skills:

1. I have empathy for those who suffer directly and indirectly from addiction, whatever form it takes. That empathy includes allowing consequences to unfold according to the expression of free will.
2. I detach from the morbid condemnation of myself and others and objectively review the facts of obstacles in my life. Facts are our friends.
3. I seek to learn from failures and improve the way I live, testing fantasy against flesh, and offering, when asked, whatever lessons I have learned along the way.

From Courage to Change of March 26;

“Anything worth doing,” goes a slightly cockeyed version of the old saying, “is worth doing badly.” Perfectionism, procrastination, and paralysis are three of the worst effects of alcoholism upon my life.

I have a tendency to spend my life waiting for the past to change. I want to spend the first hundred years of my life getting all the kinks ironed out and the next hundred years actually living. Such an inclination to avoid taking risks, to avoid doing anything badly, has prevented me from doing some of the things I enjoy the most, and it has kept me from the regular practice that produces progress.

If I’m unwilling to preform a task badly, I can’t expect to make progress toward learning to do it well. The only task that I can pretend to perform perfectly is the one that I have left entirely undone.

Today’s Reminder

Al-Anon encourages me to take risks and to think of life not as a command performance but as a continuing series of experiments from which I learn more about living.

“All the beautiful sentiments in the world weigh less than a single lovely action”  ~ James Russell Lowell

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How do I live a life beyond critique? Hide. How do I avoid the pain of rejection? Remain silent. How do I mitigate the humiliation of failure? Attempt nothing beyond my bathroom or kitchen. Failure teaches. Rejection grants empathy. Critique rewards humility. I chose to embrace the pain of becoming something more than a consuming belly. Possibilities belong to those who risk upward flight.