Daily Reprieve

The Big Book study went on for about three hours.  Ten men gathered.  Someone made a comment that I had not heard before, but made me think. 

“If you have been able to live a life that accommodates the disease of alcoholism or addiction, you have had to become very good at one skill in particular; the ability to lie to yourself, and convince you to believe that it is true.  The process of being free from the domination of the disease is the process of fearlessly facing truth and smashing self-delusions.  And we are so good at this one skill of self-deception, that we cannot be free of it on our own.  Effective truth can only be received in a context of trust and fearless self-appraisal.”

I am tired and am going to let this be the last word of the day.  I am exhausted.  But it has been a really good day.  Even if I missed seeing Dr. House.

I want to know if you can be with joy
mine or your own
if you can dance with wildness
and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes
without cautioning us
to be careful
to be realistic
to remember the limitations of being human.

I don’t know.  Sometimes.  Most of the time I am afraid of making a mistake, doing the wrong thing.  I second-guess. Double-check my motives.  alot.

How does someone become this free?  Can you just decide, screw it, I am going to be happy even if I don’t know how to explain why?  It is my understandering that according to the Big Book, it is the will of the Higher Power, that is, the strong desire of the Higher Power, that we be Happy, Joyous, and Free.  But there are a lot of folks who cannot or will not claim to be HJF.  Does that mean that the will of the Higher Power is limited by the expression of our will?

So wherever the Higher Power is, It has It’s own first step:

1.  I, the Higher Power, am powerless over making people Happy, Joyous, and Free and as a result everything has become unmanageable. 

Something is wrong with that picture.  I think the above strips the HP of omnipotence.  And if you are going to deal with a world full of drunks, addicts, and self-will run riot, you damn sure better be all-powerful.  Let’s try it a different way:

1.  I, the Higher Power, have CHOSEN to be powerless over making people HJF, and as a result everything has become unmanageable.

Hmm. What do you think?  Better?  But the final aspect of that statement does not engender trust.  Why would I want to take step three with an entity that abdicates power for some unknown reason, allowing everything to become unmanageable?  There must be …wait.  Who are you?

“I am HP and I have come to speak for myself thank-you.” 

Ok, but why do you look like Harry Potter? 

“We have the same initials and it is easier to get through airport security this way.” 

OKaaa.

“I, the HP, have decided to give you a shot at doing your own isolated disconnected thing if that is what you want.  I will not manage your life but will respond to the needs of the many over the needs of the few or the one.  Outgrow this life, don’t let it trap you.”

You know that “needs of the many” thing came from Star Trek. 

“Well didn’t you just get through saying in a meeting that you get a good deal of your gospel from the Star Trek and Rocky movies?  Besides, do you think you are the only one who has received a visit from Harry Potter?”

OKaaa.

“Rick, my friend, get some rest.  Remember that after work, your sponsor wants you to come over for a Big Book study.  He is trying to strengthen connections.”

But am I going to miss Dr House?  He is in recovery too, and I absolutely love what they are doing with this program.  Its going to be rainy too.

“Who do you think stands a better chance at being Happy, Joyous, and Free? – connected Rick, or isolated TV watching Rick?”

“Get some rest.  Connect and watch some real Hogwarts magic unfold.  Better yet, be that magic.  Happy, joyous, and free.”

ok.  Good night, Harry.

I want to know if you can sit with pain
mine or your own
without moving to hide it
or fade it
or fix it.

You mean learn to feel deeply, especially feel pain deeply, and not hit the emotional panic button?  That has taken some time.  In my earlier days of recovery I can remember that intense emotional pain would really trip the internal alarms and scream for an quick fix, or to numb it, or make it irrelevant by finding a way to disconnect from my emotions. 

I guess the first time I began to attempt sitting with my own pain in recovery was the grief I felt from the death of my Mother.  I wanted it to be fixed by seeing her come back as a ghost and let me KNOW that everything is alright.  Yet I found out that this deep agonizing pain was testimony to the significance of her life and presence in my own. 

I have begun to see that the power of my life is found in trusting an unknown presence, an entity that does care about and for me, and in that relationship confidently walking the path of not-knowing.  Its alright to move forward without having a printout of all the answers first.

And it has been very difficult, but very necessary, to learn to sit with another who is in pain and give them only my presence.  I want to be someone who will not try and diminish the significance of their suffering, but to just stay with them.  I know that when I lost my pre-born baby in Germany, I would not and did not want to be “comforted.”  The life of that child was significant.  If someone had told me it was the will of god, or that this death may have prevented greater suffering down the road, or that there is a purpose for everything, I would have been angry and hurt. 

It is uncomfortable.  And it is alright, sometimes even preferable, not to have all the answers.  I guess that sometimes the only right answer is just being there. 

Of course, I hope that you understand that I am not saying to coddle self-pity.  There is no formula, only granted wisdom from an intuitive contact with the Higher Power, whatever that might be for you.

I have got to get that 8th step finished.  Maybe I will have some personally productive time this weekend.  I will quit rattling on.  Good night.

PS:  I made an entry on the Pegasusfleet blog tonight as well. [http://pegasusfleet.wordpress.com/]

It doesn’t interest me how old you are.
I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool
for love
for your dream
for the adventure of being alive.

I have taken this risk for all three.  And I would do it again.  Not impulsively, but if I was sure that it was a risk worth the taking, I would force myself forward.  But all my risks have been somewhat sullied by a persistent fear of living life in the open.  I am not consistently courageous.  I hope this is something that the program will work into me.

I had a strange desire to fight tonight.  There was something called “fight night” at the Iron Horse Cafe’ that really intrigued me.  I set in the parking lot for a short time.  This was not wisdom.  This is one of those times when Think, Think, Think (or pause, pause, pause, if you prefer) came into play. 

I went home and got dressed for the gym instead.  I worked out and felt somewhat better.  Now I am going to go to bed and talk to my sponsor about this episode tomorrow.  Good night.

It doesn’t interest me what planets are squaring your moon…
I want to know if you have touched the centre of your own sorrow
if you have been opened by life’s betrayals
or have become shrivelled and closed
from fear of further pain.

Yes, I believe I have been opened.  But I think this is an ongoing process, that fluctuates from day-to-day.  To me, this is one of the amazing aspects of recovery.  That I can be opened by life’s betrayals.  I am getting very tired now.  I must sleep.

I ache for the empowerment of my personal mythology.  And I ache for the empowerment of yours as well.  Of course, I believe that one feeds the other.

And yes, I do dare to dream.  Some days I am more daring than others.

It doesn’t interest me what you do for a living.
I want to know what you ache for
and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart’s longing.

How many times have I been asked, “so what do you do?”  And the correct, expected answer is for me to describe my job, what I do for a living.  And my identity is carved from whatever quick and easy label was arroused by my response.  And to be truthful, I prefer a quick response, a professional distance to most people who come up and inquire, “knock, knock, who’s in there?”

But what happens when I ask myself that question, when I look in the mirror, and I am tempted to give the same answer.  So, what do I ache for?

The first thing that comes to mind is that I hunger to know truth with clarity.  I want to be able to rise high above it all, and say, “Wow, so that is what it is all about.”  I want to be able to bring it all together, the micro and macro universes, the internal and external pulse of life.  But, is that more of a method than the actual pursuit?

Rick, what do you ache for?  The truest answer is that I don’t know what I ache for right now.  I have been disconnected from me for so long, I just don’t know.   I want to change that.  I do not want to be spiritually lazy and just “throw up my hands,” as they say in We Agnostics. 

What do you ache for?

There is a poem written by Oriah Mountaindreamer called the Invitation.  Her site is [http://www.oriahmountaindreamer.com/].  My daughter had it up in her room.  I have it up in my kitchen now.  I have decided to take that poem as a challenge to take another kind of personal inventory. I don’t really know where this is going.  I am not sure why I am going here, except for the birthday dilema that my slave founds herself in, approaching an age milestone that causes you to review…everything.  So here I go:

It doesn’t interest me what you do for a living.
I want to know what you ache for
and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart’s longing.

It doesn’t interest me what planets are squaring your moon…
I want to know if you have touched the centre of your own sorrow
if you have been opened by life’s betrayals
or have become shrivelled and closed
from fear of further pain.

It doesn’t interest me how old you are.
I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool
for love
for your dream
for the adventure of being alive.

I want to know if you can sit with pain
mine or your own
without moving to hide it
or fade it
or fix it.

I want to know if you can be with joy
mine or your own
if you can dance with wildness
and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes
without cautioning us
to be careful
to be realistic
to remember the limitations of being human.

It doesn’t interest me if the story you are telling me
is true.
I want to know if you can
disappoint another
to be true to yourself.
If you can bear the accusation of betrayal
and not betray your own soul.
If you can be faithless
and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see Beauty
even when it is not pretty
every day.
And if you can source your own life
from its presence.

I want to know if you can live with failure
yours and mine
and still stand at the edge of the lake
and shout to the silver of the full moon,
“Yes.”

It doesn’t interest me
to know where you live or how much money you have.
I want to know if you can get up
after the night of grief and despair
weary and bruised to the bone
and do what needs to be done
to feed the children.

It doesn’t interest me who you know
or how you came to be here.
I want to know if you will stand
in the centre of the fire
with me
and not shrink back.

It doesn’t interest me where or what or with whom
you have studied.
I want to know what sustains you
from the inside
when all else falls away.

I want to know if you can be alone
with yourself
and if you truly like the company you keep
in the empty moments.

My tarasha, happy birthday.  Or contemplative conception day.  Or, just know that the heart of your Master is with you, day.

I like the things I have roaming inside my head.  I don’t want you or anyone messing with my secret world.  I want you to help me find a way to make them live.  All of them.  Please don’t tell me to throw it all away and walk around empty-headed. 

Perspective.  I need to get perspective.  Let me look at the process I put myself through, the internal tasks I demand of my mind, heart, soul;

1.  THE SYNCHRONIZING DUMP.  When I was a teen, I read a Reader’s Digest blurb about the different ways people process information and thus interpret their environment, face life.  There were those who were creative and intuitive, doing whatever inspired them at the moment.  There were those who analyzed information by breaking it into smaller parts and looking in detail at each part.  The one I related to was the Synchronizer.  This is one who gathered all the parts and pieces of information he possible could, and then finds a unifying theme that seems to be present in all things.  As I live life, I am handed bits and pieces of information, and I tuck them away in various storage facilities in my brain.  As the days pass, I feel the burden of the clutter, and I absolutely must have a sabbath to dump all these gathered pieces and fix the puzzle until I have a revised, more perfect perspective of the whole picture. 

2. THE INSPIRED, INTUITIVE LEAD.  Once I have the picture, I am free from the clutter of these little parts.  And armed with the perfect picture, I turn it into a new vision.  I inspire myself, motivate me to move in union with the universe that I now have a better grasp of.  At this point, I become dependant on the empowerment of my emotions.  As the days wear on, I become an emotional wreck.  The futility of life makes my picture a burden rather than a rallying point.  The energy fades. 

3.  THE SIMPLIFYING PURGE.  I face the horror that I do not have enough life energy to make everything live, to fulfill all dreams, to realize all goals.  I just cannot do it.  I become stoic and cruel to myself.  Nothing is sacred.  The forces of tyranny march into the streets and began rounding up the hapless citizens of my hidden world.  My goal is to simplify my life, to gain as much focus as possible.  I begin quitting.  I withdraw.  I terminate projects and tell myself to grow up.  I hate the embarrassment of my impotence.  I desire militaristic effectiveness. 

4.  RITUALISTIC SCHEDULING.  When I am convinced that I have burned away the chaff, I consider my new-found focus and establish priorities.  I make plans.  I consider every angle.  I issue the orders to move forward. 

5.  SELF-AWARE BEAST.  I am devoted to the plan, and the schedule is making me look good to everyone.  Except me.  I lose me.   I am a beast of burden going through the motions and I look up at the stars and ask, what is the purpose?  What is this all about?  Who?  When?  Where? Why? and most importantly, So What?  As I trudge in and out of the days, I ask, I try to understand.  And I begin to pickup bits and pieces of information.  And I tuck it away.  Soon to be synchronized.

And the cycle continues.  It is all futility and the best answer I have ever come up with for this game is oblivion.  Chemically re-inforced oblivion.  The paradise moment of my first drink was the internal silence that washed over me. 

This was my fortress.  This was my prison.  The 3rd step prayer says “relieve me of the bondage of self.”  If I thought I was powerless over alcohol, I am infinitely more powerless over this self-tyrany and cyclic-futility. 

1.  I am powerless over …me?  And as a result my life has become unmanageable.

2. Came to believe that a power greater than OURSELVES could restore us to sanity.

3.  Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of GOMU (God of my understanding).

My time has run out.  I don’t want the day to end.  I want it to suddenly halt and let me catch up.  But I am going to try and just stop, relax, and connect with the Higher Power in meditative sleep.

I am quoting another recovery blog.   I discovered it because of her comment on Endigar 230.  I thought the recent entry entitled “Noteworthy” may provide a balance to my last entry, and so I quote it here.  I think it was published on 9/11 in her blogsite [http://sofreelygiven.wordpress.com/]. 

I often tap things into my iPod, during meetings, when I listen to speakers, etc.

For instance:

I had no idea until quite recently that the program of Alcoholics Anonymous was based on the biblical book of James.  Early AA’s would go into hospitals and present the book to suffering alcoholics.  Upon further research I have found that our fundamentals also come from 1 Corinthians 13 and also Emmet Fox’s work “The Sermon on the Mount”.  These were our ‘literature’ before our Big Book existed.

Fox’s secretary was the mother of a man who worked closely with Bill W.  It was partly because of this connection that early AA groups went to hear Fox and also why his writing subsequently became so popular in AA.

The following notes are from Father Meletios Webber’s “The 12 Steps of Transformation.”  Fr. Webber is an Eastern Orthodox Priest who is himself in recovery.  I paraphrase wildly:

Yes, but means no.  Everything I say after “but” negates what I said before.  “I love you, but you make me angry” means only “you make me angry.”

Spiritually speaking, the most valuable thing a person can do is admit their brokenness.  (Step One.)

We can tie God’s hands.  (To me, this means I can pray that God show me his will but I will get in his way regardless.  I put up the roadblocks.  Where is God?  Why isn’t he helping me?  But all the while I am playing God.)

Step 1-I Can’t       Step 2-You Can      Step 3-Please Do

Moral=Honest (Step 4)

There is only one prayer to begin–Thy will be done

*A favorite*  There are 3 criteria for talking:  That it be TRUE, That it be NECESSARY, and That it be KIND

When I have spoken unkindly, my heart was not in front of my mouth.

On the subject of ego:  The ego doesn’t actually exist. It’s just a collection of thoughts titled “Yes but what about me?”  “How the world has let me down.”

Heard in meetings:

Pride keeps me sick.

Am I important enough for this power to care about.  (Good for me to hear, as I suffer from low self-esteem.)

We fail forward.  (I use this often with my sponsees.)

I didn’t come to AA because I saw the light, I came because I felt the heat.  (not necessarily the law!)

Defenses of character (They are like our armor, aren’t they?)

I must turn over my knowledge of right and wrong to God.  (What a tall order!)

If someone tells me something I’ll forget it, if someone shows me something I’ll remember it, if someone involves me in something I’ll remember it.  (I have since learned that this is a Chinese proverb, and my experience shows this to be true.)

Fear is a dark room where negatives are developed.  (Heard on a Searcy W. speaker tape.)

I conditionalize my happiness.  This is because of my lack of acceptance.  (Not me!)

Jump into the lap of God.  (Yeah baby!)

Robbing people of their emotional sobriety.  (Causing them worry, etc.  I am an expert at this.)

The 12 steps are terms of surrender.  They smash my ego.  (But it rebuilds itself, that’s why I never stop working them.)

Humility=surrender

When I lay down at night and I go to sleep fairly fast I am doing well.  (Relative.)

If the quality of your life diminishes faster than you can lower your morals, you might be an alcoholic!

Giving rather than getting will become the guiding principle.  p.128  (I wrote this down because I can be such a GETTER!)

I do have a problem with the casual way the word surrender is used in the program and thus feel compelled for clarity’s sake to add my own qualifications.  I have served in the military for a while.  And there, the word surrender means that you have been captured by the enemy.  Your life is being preserved only for the benefit of someone that hates you, your home, and your way of life.  Any soldier will be looking for a way of escape from the captivity that such a surrender has brought them to.  “I am powerless over alcohol.”  I am acknowledging that I have been defeated by alcohol, and have surrendered to its power over me.   If surrender was the goal, then why resist the powerlessness of alcohol?  Why not make alcohol my Higher Power?  This sort of defeated non-consentual belly up surrender to an exploitive parasitical tyrant is not the kind of surrender I believe leads to recovery.

The kind of surrender I pursue in the program is to seek connections with a power greater than myself, that cares about me.  I am seeking intuitively inspired stewardship for my life.