Endigar 234

I like the things I have roaming inside my head.  I don’t want you or anyone messing with my secret world.  I want you to help me find a way to make them live.  All of them.  Please don’t tell me to throw it all away and walk around empty-headed. 

Perspective.  I need to get perspective.  Let me look at the process I put myself through, the internal tasks I demand of my mind, heart, soul;

1.  THE SYNCHRONIZING DUMP.  When I was a teen, I read a Reader’s Digest blurb about the different ways people process information and thus interpret their environment, face life.  There were those who were creative and intuitive, doing whatever inspired them at the moment.  There were those who analyzed information by breaking it into smaller parts and looking in detail at each part.  The one I related to was the Synchronizer.  This is one who gathered all the parts and pieces of information he possible could, and then finds a unifying theme that seems to be present in all things.  As I live life, I am handed bits and pieces of information, and I tuck them away in various storage facilities in my brain.  As the days pass, I feel the burden of the clutter, and I absolutely must have a sabbath to dump all these gathered pieces and fix the puzzle until I have a revised, more perfect perspective of the whole picture. 

2. THE INSPIRED, INTUITIVE LEAD.  Once I have the picture, I am free from the clutter of these little parts.  And armed with the perfect picture, I turn it into a new vision.  I inspire myself, motivate me to move in union with the universe that I now have a better grasp of.  At this point, I become dependant on the empowerment of my emotions.  As the days wear on, I become an emotional wreck.  The futility of life makes my picture a burden rather than a rallying point.  The energy fades. 

3.  THE SIMPLIFYING PURGE.  I face the horror that I do not have enough life energy to make everything live, to fulfill all dreams, to realize all goals.  I just cannot do it.  I become stoic and cruel to myself.  Nothing is sacred.  The forces of tyranny march into the streets and began rounding up the hapless citizens of my hidden world.  My goal is to simplify my life, to gain as much focus as possible.  I begin quitting.  I withdraw.  I terminate projects and tell myself to grow up.  I hate the embarrassment of my impotence.  I desire militaristic effectiveness. 

4.  RITUALISTIC SCHEDULING.  When I am convinced that I have burned away the chaff, I consider my new-found focus and establish priorities.  I make plans.  I consider every angle.  I issue the orders to move forward. 

5.  SELF-AWARE BEAST.  I am devoted to the plan, and the schedule is making me look good to everyone.  Except me.  I lose me.   I am a beast of burden going through the motions and I look up at the stars and ask, what is the purpose?  What is this all about?  Who?  When?  Where? Why? and most importantly, So What?  As I trudge in and out of the days, I ask, I try to understand.  And I begin to pickup bits and pieces of information.  And I tuck it away.  Soon to be synchronized.

And the cycle continues.  It is all futility and the best answer I have ever come up with for this game is oblivion.  Chemically re-inforced oblivion.  The paradise moment of my first drink was the internal silence that washed over me. 

This was my fortress.  This was my prison.  The 3rd step prayer says “relieve me of the bondage of self.”  If I thought I was powerless over alcohol, I am infinitely more powerless over this self-tyrany and cyclic-futility. 

1.  I am powerless over …me?  And as a result my life has become unmanageable.

2. Came to believe that a power greater than OURSELVES could restore us to sanity.

3.  Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of GOMU (God of my understanding).

My time has run out.  I don’t want the day to end.  I want it to suddenly halt and let me catch up.  But I am going to try and just stop, relax, and connect with the Higher Power in meditative sleep.

2 Responses to “Endigar 234”

  1. sofreelygiven Says:

    Why do some never even consider oblivion an option? It’s something I have never come to understand. Conversely, it’s something many have never come to understand about me. Black, white; the pendulum can swing so very far in either direction for me. I have been able to keep it in that center area so very seldom.

  2. sofreelygiven Says:

    Those possibly related posts can be so far out there.

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