Endigar 240
I want to know if you can sit with pain
mine or your own
without moving to hide it
or fade it
or fix it.
You mean learn to feel deeply, especially feel pain deeply, and not hit the emotional panic button? That has taken some time. In my earlier days of recovery I can remember that intense emotional pain would really trip the internal alarms and scream for an quick fix, or to numb it, or make it irrelevant by finding a way to disconnect from my emotions.
I guess the first time I began to attempt sitting with my own pain in recovery was the grief I felt from the death of my Mother. I wanted it to be fixed by seeing her come back as a ghost and let me KNOW that everything is alright. Yet I found out that this deep agonizing pain was testimony to the significance of her life and presence in my own.
I have begun to see that the power of my life is found in trusting an unknown presence, an entity that does care about and for me, and in that relationship confidently walking the path of not-knowing. Its alright to move forward without having a printout of all the answers first.
And it has been very difficult, but very necessary, to learn to sit with another who is in pain and give them only my presence. I want to be someone who will not try and diminish the significance of their suffering, but to just stay with them. I know that when I lost my pre-born baby in Germany, I would not and did not want to be “comforted.” The life of that child was significant. If someone had told me it was the will of god, or that this death may have prevented greater suffering down the road, or that there is a purpose for everything, I would have been angry and hurt.
It is uncomfortable. And it is alright, sometimes even preferable, not to have all the answers. I guess that sometimes the only right answer is just being there.
Of course, I hope that you understand that I am not saying to coddle self-pity. There is no formula, only granted wisdom from an intuitive contact with the Higher Power, whatever that might be for you.
I have got to get that 8th step finished. Maybe I will have some personally productive time this weekend. I will quit rattling on. Good night.
PS: I made an entry on the Pegasusfleet blog tonight as well. [http://pegasusfleet.wordpress.com/]
Daily Reprieve 
October 7, 2009 at 9:04 am
When my good friend in Dallas told me he was diagnosed with HIV, he would not allow me to show my concern. He told me when we were high on ecstasy. I loved this man like he was my brother and he would not let me utter so much as “I’m sorry.” I understand today that self-pity is synonymous with selfishness, but to rob the ones we love of the need to comfort us is also selfish. I have lost touch with my friend. He was heavily into smoking meth and taking GHB when I last saw him, which I don’t guess bodes well for the effectiveness of HIV meds. He knew I was sober the last time we talked and I have no doubt that this is one of the reasons he did not keep up his half of our contact. I cannot imagine the pain of the harsh realization of HIV and AIDS. I’m sure one’s world becomes much smaller and that selfishness is almost a necessity. I’m also certain that there are a great many who would be quick to tell my friend that this affliction is the will of God, cast upon him for his SIN.
There is no answer. I love you C.