Daily Reprieve

From Today’s Daily Reflections;

One exercise that I practice is to try for a full inventory of my blessings…  (As Bill Sees It, page 37)

What did I have to be grateful for? I shut myself up and started listing the blessings for which I was in no way responsible, beginning with having been born of sound mind and body. I went through seventy-four years of living right up to the present moment. The list ran to two pages, and took two hours to compile; I included health, family, money, A.A. – the whole gamut.

Every day in my prayers, I ask God to help me remember my list, and to be grateful for it throughout the day. When I remember my gratitude list, it’s very hard to conclude that God is picking on me.

END OF QUOTE

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I know that I am grateful for abstinence from alcohol, which gives me the opportunity for full blown sobriety, but I read in the words from the contributor a challenge to have a more extensive gratitude list that I can carry with me.  It sounds like a good idea.

From Today’s Daily Reflections;

Above all, take it one day at a time.   (As Bill Sees It, page 11)

Why do I kid myself that I must stay away from a drink for only one day, when I know perfectly well I must never drink again as long as I live? I am not kidding myself because one day at a time is probably the only way I can reach the long-range objective of staying sober.

If I determine that I shall never drink again as long as I live, I set myself up. How can I be sure I won’t drink when I have no idea what the future may hold?

On a day-at-a-time basis, I am confident I can stay away from a drink for one day. So I set out with confidence. At the end of the day, I have the reward of achievement. Achievement feels good and that makes me want more!

END OF QUOTE

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I look at the necessary perpetual discipline of an entire life lived without ever drinking again and the fear is overwhelming, until the plan of action is broken down into the small daily circle in which I live.  I have plenty of practice living out an entire day of my life, but zero experience living out my entire life.  I think people commit suicide when they attempt to live out their entire life on the theater screen of their minds and see potential tragedy as script already written.  Taking life one day at a time is a skill for processing all fear that presents itself as an inevitable tragedy.  It is one of the first tools in my spiritual toolkit.

So when my life is brought down to the raw basics of survival, I practice not giving into the fear.  I do not worry.  I take it easy.  The lowest, most base version of myself  tries to drive me into a mad rush lifestyle to secure shelter and necessities.  My Higher Power is quite aware of what I need.  Each day of small actions will begin to vindicate my decision to trust Gomu (God of my understanding).   If I focus on learning and living the principles of the program one day at a time, my survival from alcohol will be secured without any action on my part.  So says the Fellowship of AA.

“We will see that our new attitude toward liquor has been given us without any thought or effort on our part. It just comes! That is the miracle of it. We are not fighting it, neither are we avoiding temptation. We feel as though we had been placed in a position of neutrality – safe and protected. We have not even sworn off. Instead, the problem has been removed. It does not exist for us. We are neither cocky nor are we afraid. That is our experience. That is how we react so long as we keep in fit spiritual condition.”  (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 85)

I may make plans, but the focus of my action is on today.  Today has enough tasks and concerns to keep me busy and involved.  As my faith in Gomu develops, I simply refuse to worry about tomorrow.  One day at a time.

From Today’s Daily Reflections;

And he well knows that his own life has been made richer, as an extra dividend of giving to another without any demand for a return.   (As Bill Sees It, page 69)

The concept of giving without strings was hard to understand when I first came into the program. I was suspicious when others wanted to help me. I thought, “What do they want in return?” But I soon learned the joy of helping another alcoholic and I understood why they were there for me in the beginning. My attitudes changed and I wanted to help others. Sometimes I became anxious, as I wanted them to know the joys of sobriety, that life can be beautiful. When my life is full of a loving God of my understanding and I give that love to my fellow alcoholic, I feel a special richness that is hard to explain.

END OF QUOTE

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In the beginning I had problems trusting the assertion that the hand of AA was there without an expectation of payment or religious empire building.  I perceived that when people start throwing around the words God and Love,  they actually mean Social Control and Financial Leaching.  “I will pray for you” translated to “I feel pity for you,” or “screw you, your going to hell, may thy downward chute be well lubricated.”

The foundation for the reconstruction of my perceptions was the realization that giving and service in AA was based on a mutual need for survival.  If we do not find a way to give away that which we gained through the recovery program, we begin to lose it.  I came in looking for the secret selfish motive that I believed all “givers” in society have.  Then I discovered it .  They want to stay alive, and then they want to enjoy living.

Ultimately, more is built upon that foundation of a daily reprieve.  It is so much more than survival.  It is the connection of  Friendship.  Miraculous transformations in life.  Seeing my faith in Gomu (God of my understanding) validated.  It is so much more than I expected.  It is an enrichment.

From Today’s Daily Reflections;

If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through. We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness.   (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 83)

My first true freedom is the freedom not to have to take a drink today. If I truly want it, I will work the Twelve Steps and the happiness of this freedom will come to me through the Steps – sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. Other freedoms will follow, and inventorying them is a new happiness. I had a new freedom today, the freedom to be me. I have the freedom to be the best me I have ever been.

END OF QUOTE

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Freedom is not all that it is cracked up to be.  Most views I hear on freedom are rather childish and filled with isolated selfishness.  Does anyone have an adult view of freedom anymore?  Children view freedom as “getting to do whatever they what to do.”  That is why it must be an event and not a lifestyle for them.

Negative Freedom is to be free FROM something that is threatening to us on some level.  Parents, governments, military, law enforcement, and first-responders all provide us with negative freedom.  It requires a power greater than ourselves to obtain and keep it.  Gomu (God of our understanding) provides us with negative freedom in recovery.  Freedom from alcoholic tyranny.

Positive Freedom is freedom TO do or be something.

Positive Freedom is what we as individuals give back to the group.  It is the development and empowerment of the individual to improve and grow.  Powerlessness was our problem.  No amount of negative freedom will be enough if we fail to pursue the positive expression of freedom in gaining individual power.  The freedom to…

The freedom to care about someone other than ourselves.

The freedom to grow and give away what we gain.  If we keep it to ourselves, it will die before we do.

The freedom to transform into a higher and more powerful version of ourselves to demonstrate the effectiveness of connecting to the Higher Power.

My negative freedom is abstinence from alcohol.  My positive freedom is complete sobriety.  The negative freedom proceeds the positive and the positive freedom feeds the negative.

It seems to me that in a free world, power and responsibility should be embraced as individual pursuits, and happiness and pleasure are group achievements.

I am grateful for the negative freedom I have surrounding me.  I hope to make those in my intimate sphere grateful for my expression of positive freedom.

Let us be happily enslaved to our new found freedom.

From Today’s Daily Reflections;

Under very trying conditions I have had, again and again, to forgive others – also myself.  (As Bill Sees It, page 268)

Forgiveness of self and forgiveness of others are just two currents in the same river, both hindered or shut off completely by the dam of resentment. Once that dam is lifted, both currents can flow. The Steps of A.A. allow me to see how resentment has built up and subsequently blocked off this flow in my life. The Steps provide a way by which my resentments may – by the grace of God as I understand Him – be lifted. It is as a result of this solution that I can find the necessary grace which enables me to forgive myself and others.

END OF QUOTE

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I feel very hopeful today.  I suspect that a life flowing with forgiveness might be more powerful than one bound by judgment, condemnation, and resentment.  I want discipline in my life that comes from a trust for God, myself, and those who dwell in my intimate sphere.  I am tired of the sad discipline that is gained from the harsh whip of an internal judge, that feeds me a steady diet of self-loathing and dreams of escape.

I promised in my last post that if I found a way out of my dilemma, that I would share it.  So here we go.

I decided that I could not stay in the dark place I found myself this morning, and so I got ready to attend a meeting in town.  My daughter showed up looking for instruction on how to get to a certain place.  It happened to be on the way to the meeting, so I told her to just follow me.  She stayed right on me until she was in familiar territory and then waved bye with her sweet smiling face and we parted.

“Death is not a permanent separation.”   It still hurts, though.

I got in the meeting and listened to a topic on self-will and how easily it deceives, and can use even what we perceive to be noble motives.

I said nothing.  I held onto my chair and kept myself as present as possible.  I stayed.

Someone arrived late, whisperd a greeting to a friend, and sat down right in front of me, leaning back so that I felt her back approaching my face.  I sit up and see that she is wearing scrubs and her top is on inside out.  The tag says “Children’s Hospital.”

“I do care.  I want you to care with Me.”

I wanted to leave, because of the periodic tears, but  I stayed.  Suddenly I knew I had something to share in the meeting.  I was being given an opportunity to connect.  This meeting was not just about my pain.  The room was filled with others who wanted to live.  I shared in spite of my darkness.  Someone thanked me after the meeting.

Once I was willing to give, I received these words;  “Grieving is not just a way of saying good-bye, it is a way of forgiving Me.”

I need to grieve.  I could not truly weep because I have been so furious with the God who allowed it all to happen.  I need to grieve.

My fourth step is not God’s moral inventory, it is mine.

So I must add the fourth column to my resentment.

WHAT WAS MY PART (Page 67 of Big Book)

“Referring to our list again.  Putting out of our minds the wrongs others had done, we resolutely looked for our own mistakes.  Where had we been

selfish,

dishonest,

self-seeking,

and frightened?

Though a situation had not been entirely our fault, we tried to disregard the other person involved entirely.  Where were we to blame?”

I have had the experience of hearing how alcoholics who have been abused as little children work through this.  They did nothing wrong in the situation but were definitely impacted by the traumatic events of their childhood.  The question for them became, “How did I react and continue to react to the situation that is unuseful and destructive?”  I think it applies in this situation.  Regardless of whether God did or did not abuse me as His child, I perceived it as such.

As a result, I was frightened – petrified really.  I define selfishness as Isolated Self Concern and Reliance.  Most certainly I disconnected from God and others and attempted to gain control over those in my environment.  I developed a self-seeking approach to life.  I define self-seeking as scheming for Isolated Fantasy Production and Enforcement.  I suspect that I developed a habit of dishonesty with myself about what I expected in my relationship with God.

I am at a better place and can continue the moral inventory.  I look forward to finishing and doing the fifth step.  I do want to finally, truly grieve the loss of my sons, and forgive God.  I am not there yet, but I think I am closer.

I covet your thoughts and prayers in my behalf.

My paraphrase of the 3rd step prayer;

God, I offer myself to You – to build with me according to Your will.

Relieve me of the bondage of my isolated lower self so that I may better do Your will.

In the care of my life, take away my difficulties so that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help by drawing from Your power, Your love, and Your way of Life.

From Today’s Daily Reflections;

Often it was while working on this Step with our sponsors or spiritual advisers that we first felt truly able to forgive others, no matter how deeply we felt they had wronged us. Our moral inventory had persuaded us that all-round forgiveness was desirable, but it was only when we resolutely tackled Step Five that we inwardly knew we’d be able to receive forgiveness and give it, too.  (Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, page 58)

What a great feeling forgiveness is! What a revelation about my emotional, psychological and spiritual nature. All it takes is willingness to forgive; God will do the rest.

END OF QUOTE

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I do not know if I should share my truth with you today.  Maybe I should wait until I re-finish the fourth and fifth and sixth and seventh steps and hope that I have something better to say.

I AM RESENTFUL AT:  God

THE CAUSE:  The death of my infant son Josiah, and my grown son, Zach.  It personalized what I feel are crimes against humanity.

AFFECTS MY:  Everything; Self-Esteem, Pocket Book, Personal Relations, Ambition.  It affects my sobriety.  (FEAR)

There is a movie called God on Trial and I remember one quote in particular;  “God is not good, he has only been on our side.”

How do you trust God to help you forgive God?  My solution has been to use my imagination to hide this anguish away and embrace GOMU (God of my understanding).  I think this is why I feel the need to permanently remove my father-heart from my chest, get a transplant and become like the Sociopathic Deity who finds a benefit in the murder of his own son and the condemnation of all humanity to eventual death.

Maybe I am in a place where I can deal with this now.  I really don’t know.

I hope you will forgive me for not being able to stay quiet.  If I find a solution to this dilemma, I will be quick to share that as well.

From Today’s Daily Reflections;

It is plain that a life which includes deep resentment leads only to futility and unhappiness. . . . But with the alcoholic, whose hope is the maintenance and growth of a spiritual experience, this business of resentment is infinitely grave.   (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 66)

Know God;
Know peace.
No God;
No peace.

END OF QUOTE

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I have been working on filtering out the disguised voice of fear, that pretends to be my Higher Power.  I am getting better at this, but it takes practice.

My sponsor called me this morning and had me read the following from the 12 & 12, page 49;

“All these failings generate fear, a soul-sickness in its own right.  Then fear, in turn, generates more character defects.  Unreasonable fear that our instincts will not be satisfied drives us to covet the possessions of others, to lust for sex and power, to become angry when our instinctive demands are threatened, to be envious when the ambitions of others seem to be realized while ours are not.  We eat, drink, and grab for more of everything than we need, fearing we shall never have enough.  And with genuine alarm at he prospect of work, we stay lazy.  We loaf and procrastinate, or at best work grudgingly and under half steam.  These fears are the termites that ceaselessly devour the foundations of whatever sour of life we try to build.”

He then directed me to read the Daily Reflections for May 12th (Endigar 411).

He told me that he believes those readings would help with what is eating at my gut.  I share this with you as a follow-up to yesterday’s post on answered prayer and to be helpful to anyone else who may be on a similar path.

In reference to the request for prayer I sent out in Endigar 413, I may have gotten an answer.  I have been taking notes from the Big Book as I move along with the inventory.  I finished notes on the resentment section and then got the thought that it would be good to get notes from the 12 & 12 as well.  I came across the following;

“Instincts on rampage balk at investigation.  The minute we make a serious attempt to probe them, we are liable to suffer severe reactions”

I did not remember reading this before.  The next paragraph on page 45 really caught my attention:

“If temperamentally we are on the depressive side, we are apt to be swamped with guilt and self-loathing.  We wallow in this messy bog, often getting a misshapen and painful pleasure out of it.  As we morbidly pursue this melancholy activity, we may sink to such a point of despair that nothing but oblivion looks possible as a solution.  Here, of course, we have lost all perspective, and therefore all genuine humility.  For this is pride in reverse.  This is not a moral inventory at all; it is the very process by which the depressive has so often been led to the bottle and extinction.”

On page 46 it continues;

“At this stage of the inventory proceedings, our sponsors come to the rescue.  They can do this, for they are the carriers of A.A.’s tested experience with Step Four.  They comfort the melancholy one by first showing him that his case is not strange or different, that his character defects are probably no more numerous or worse than those of anyone else in A.A.  This the sponsor promptly proves by talking freely and easily, and without exhibitionism, about his own defects, past and present.  This calm, yet realistic, stock-taking is immensely reassuring.  The sponsor probably points out that the newcomer has some assets which can be noted along with his liabilities.  This tends to clear away morbidity and encourage balance.  As soon as he begins to be more objective, the newcomer can fearlessly, rather that fearfully, look at his own defects.”

After I read this, I looked down at my cell phone and saw that I had a text message from an intimate friend;  “my curiosity – have you told your sponsor exactly how this fourth step makes you feel and why?”

I had the recurring thought that I should call my sponsor and talk to him about this, but I had put it off because I wanted to be able to tell him that I am finished and ready to take the 5th.  (The 5th step, not the amendment).

So I called my sponsor and left a message on his voice mail.  I think it would probably be a good idea to include an asset list, but I am awaiting confirmation.  I am doing my best not to direct the show.

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Sponsor: “Don’t get stuck in the paralysis of analysis.  Just get it down on paper and we will deal with it.”