Daily Reprieve

From Courage to Change of January 24;

I will dare to be myself. I may be tempted to paste a smile on my face even though I am angry, in order to please another person. When turning down an invitation, I may want to make excuses so that nobody will be hurt. I may be inclined to cancel plans that I care about, without protest, because a loved one prefers to stay home and I don’t want to make waves. These may be perfectly acceptable choices, and I may opt for any or all of them. But today I will be honest with myself as I do so — I will not pretend to feel what I do not feel or to want what I do not want.

Al-Anon does not tell me how to behave. It doesn’t legislate right or wrong choices. But Al-Anon does encourage me to look searchingly and fearlessly at myself, my feelings, motives, and actions. I can only learn to love myself if I am willing to learn who I am.

Today’s Reminder

I have a right to want what I want and to feel the way I feel.  I may not choose to act on those feelings or desires, but I won’t hide them from myself. They are part of me.

“This above all: to thine own self be true.”

~ William Shakespeare

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I am a “double winner.” That is to say, I am qualified for both AA and Al-Anon. The 12 Steps in both Fellowships have provided ways for me to get to know myself, the true me. There was a me encased in diplomatic roles hiding away. There was a me that was rejected and replaced by my own alcoholic disease. The 12 Steps process helped separate the true me from the false, and coaxed the child in me from underneath the bed, hiding away from a world of uncontrollable chaos. I am not my shortcomings. I am not the enabler of self-destructive behavior in myself or others.

The words, “I will dare to be myself” are powerful only when I know who I am. An active alcoholic might say that their self-will run riot is just who they are. An active co-dependent might claim martyrdom as the truest reflection of their love. I have experienced the misery of letting this disease in myself and others define who I am. No more.

So I have been courting and encouraging my higher Self into the “Sunlight of the Spirit.” (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 66)  The exploration of this Self’s desires and feelings bring satisfaction, serenity, and often the ability to enjoy life. I am deeply grateful to the program and the Higher Power that loves me through this process, and introduces Me to me.

From Courage to Change of January 23;

In Step Three we “Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.” This is a big decision for those of us who have a tough time making even small decisions. Until I found Al-Anon, I tended to let others decide how I should live, where I should go, and what I should do. The paradox is that, though I took little responsibility for my own life, I saw myself as an expert on everyone else’s life and felt accountable for all that happened.

The order in which the first three Steps are written helps me to overcome these attitude problems. First, I accept my inability to control the disease of alcoholism and admit that my life is unmanageable. Next, I come to believe that a Power greater than myself can help. After taking these two Steps, it becomes possible, desirable, and even logical, to make the enormous decision to trust my life to a Higher Power’s care.

Today’s Reminder

At the start of each day I can make the decision to turn my will and my life over to the care of God. This way I begin my day with a strong assertion that I choose to accept the reality of my life. I am moving in a healthy direction, growing ever more able to live a good life and to love those I meet along the way.

“Decision is a risk rooted in the courage of being free.” ~ Paul Tillich

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I love this entry for its clarity and personal resonance. I also appreciate the introduction to Paul Tillich. I will have to learn more about him. What a great quote. I think I will post it in my kitchen along with other words of wisdom that have inspired me.

Often I felt this sense of responsibility for everyone around me. I hungered to establish peace in the home. As a young teenager I wrote a family constitution complete with bills, amendments, proposals for projects, and protocol for family meetings. I would tape-record our meetings and pushed for greater regulation of my brother and improved overall household management. My mother initially went along with this social experiment but soon retaliated at what she perceived as criticism of her parenting. My father remained silent and would not take the head chair I had designated for him. Instead my little brother took the exalted position. It just fell apart and became a family gathering with no hope of change.

What I failed to achieve with political proclamations I sought to gain through emotional manipulation and indirect communication. What an aggressive diplomat I have been.

Step three has taken the personal twist of turning my will and other’s lives over to the care of GOMU (God of my understanding). I work on myself and walk out the path made obvious to me by my Higher Power. I trust my God for the results. The results are not my responsibility. The work and the walking in anticipation of GOMU’s care and guidance is my responsibility. I live a much happier life seeking progress rather than perfection.

From Courage to Change of January 22;

I tried so hard to learn detachment. Living with active alcoholism was confusing , and the idea of detachment seemed vague. The alcoholic in my life was a restless sleeper who fell out of bed almost every night. Feeling it my duty, I would always help him back into bed. One night, after attending Al-Anon meetings for a while, I stepped over his body and got into bed, leaving him on the floor. Triumphantly, I went to my next Al-Anon meeting and told them, “I finally learned detachment!” “Well,” they said, “that’s not exactly what we meant. We meant detachment with love.”

I left that meeting with a new understanding that I put into proactive the very next time my loved one fell out of bed. When I found him in the floor, I still didn’t help him into bed. But I did put a blanket over him before stepping over his body and going to bed myself. This, to me, was detachment with love.

Today’s Reminder

With my Higher Power’s help, I will keep  loving blanket of detachment with me. I will cover my loved ones with it, whether or not they struggle with a disease, keeping in mind that when I am dealing with other human beings, I am dealing with children of God.

“Detachment is not isolation, nor should it remain focused on not enabling the sick behavior of the past. Detachment is not a wall; it is a bridge across which the Al-Anon may begin a new approach to life and relationships generally.” ~ Al-Anon: Family Treatment Tool in Alcoholism

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I suppose that if detachment becomes a passive-aggressive form of retaliation, it becomes an unhealthy way of processing resentment. Who does the practice of detachment benefit? Is it me or is it my actively addicted loved one? It benefits me, first and foremost, and if I cannot recognize the spiritual significance of my own life, then I am actively sick. I have to want to live. I have to desire life. My own life. Detachment is really attachment to me, true connection with the higher form of Self through the help of a Higher Power, a spiritual path to recovery from of a twisted and malfunctioning conscience and a maligned view of what love looks like.

Indirectly, my detachment well-lived will provide an example of valuing my own life, and if my alcoholic or addictive loved one is going to make it, they have to want to live. That is step zero for them. And for those of us who love them. It all begins with this healthy dose of positive self-care.

Art Credit: “Sleep” by aneteya on deviantart

From Courage to Change of January 21;

Before Al-Anon, I could never tell the difference between what was and was not my business. I felt I had to take care of everyone around me until I couldn’t stand it any more. I usually kept this up until I became physically ill. My body tried to tell me to pay attention to my own needs, but I simply wasn’t ready to listen.

Al-Anon helps me to listen and learn from my body, my soul, and my Higher Power. How do I do it? I try t check in with myself on a regular basis. Am I hungry, angry, lonely, or tired? If so, I can make a point of stopping what I’m doing long enough to attend to my needs.

When I pay attention to the messages I’m being given, I have a better chance of detaching from other people and situations, should that be appropriate. For me, this is the foundation of serenity.

Today’s Reminder

I no longer have to wait until my health, my financial situation, or my emotional state collapses before paying attention to my needs. Today I can practice becoming more aware of what my inner voice is trying to teach me. I can listen and learn.

“Don’t listen to friends when the Friend inside you says ‘Do this!'” ~ Mahatma Gandhi

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What does self-care look like? My first thoughts are images of a protracted vacation from life, with young island women fanning me on a beach while I read and enjoy the rumbling rhythm of the ocean waves before me.

There are elements of that image that might be true self-care, such as the detachment from the stress of trying to control life and its uncooperative players. Or maybe taking time to reflect and, if the waves represent the care of a Higher Power, finding the serenity of a relationship with the Infinite One. Yet I think it is important to recognize that the sacrifice I have given for others I must be willing to do for me. It takes carved out time to grow spiritually. My sacrifice is to carve away by making plans with this goal in mind. I have been willing to drive others to meetings. Now I must insure that I do this for myself. I have utilized finances to support others, I must be willing to save some for my own future.

My willingness to take care of myself gives permission and guidance for others to do the same, if they so chose. Self-care is probably the most effective thing I can do to benefit those I love.

From Courage to Change of January 20;

“Anonymity is the spiritual foundation of all our Traditions.” Anonymity makes it possible to leave not only our surnames, but all the labels and expectations with which we have been burdened, outside the Al-Anon rooms. Through our commitment to anonymity we can put aside what we are and begin to know who we are.

As I began to recognize how valuable this spiritual principle already was in my life, I understood why it was so important to protect the anonymity of others, including the alcoholic. If I want the benefits the program has to offer, I have an obligation to extend to others the same respect and courtesy that keep me feeling safe, free from labels, and free to be myself.

Today’s Reminder

In taking my place among the thousands of anonymous individuals who make up the Al-Anon Family Groups, I know that I never again have to be alone. I won’t jeopardize this valuable resource by violating its most fundamental spiritual principle.

“Each person should be able to leave an Al-Anon meeting secure in the knowledge that what he or she has shared will not be repeated.” ~ Why Anonymity in Al-Anon?

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“Anonymity is the spiritual foundation of all our traditions, ever reminding us to place principles before personalities.” The Twelfth Tradition.

When first I entered the recovery program I saw anonymity as a protective social mechanism to empower me to risk openness. In the beginning, I desperately needed such a safe place.

As time passed I was no longer in need of such sheltering. It became apart of my spiritual development in that it protected Me from me. It protected my connected and empowered spirit from my isolating and self-destructive ego. When I was in a military rehab facility, we expressed the importance of this anonymity by removing our shirts that contained rank, surname, and unit of service. All that was left was the assembled individuals and their stories coming together to heal. No expression of one individual was greater than the other. Anonymity morphs from protective privacy to a love for principles above our own personalities. Anonymity neutralizes the lethal, severed ego of the alcoholic and addictive community.

From Courage to Change of January 19;

Today I seek to become a little more accepting of myself, a little more comfortable in my own skin. Although it is important to recognize and admit my limitations and flaws, only my Higher Power can remove them.

Condemning my imperfections has never enhanced my appreciation of life or helped me to love myself more. Perhaps I can let go of all condemnation for this one day. I will recognize that I am on a spiritual path of self-improvement. Every tiny step I take on that path moves me closer to wholeness, health, and serenity.

If I become impatient with myself, I can examine my expectations. Perhaps I expect recovery to happen over-night. I will take time today to acknowledge my efforts and to trust the process of the Al-Anon program.

Today’s Reminder

Al-Anon is a gentle, healing program. I will remember to be gentle with myself today, trusting that the healing will come.

“Today I can accept myself for what I am because I know that whatever happens, I have a Higher Power and a group of people who will love me anyway. ”   . . . In All Our Affairs

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Through the recovery program, I am dating myself. I am getting to know me better. “To thine own self be true.” I also gain access to classified documents kept secret by my internal agency of self-destruction. These “documents” provide a full awareness and understanding of my flaws. They are kept hidden and if discovered, presented as strengths and unique personality quirks that make me interesting.

Recovery cuts through that crap and then further reveals that I am powerless to overcome my short-comings as an isolated individual.

These identified failings are not license for perfectionism. “Progress rather than perfection.” Perfection is another way to remain isolated.

No, I believe I am in need of short-comings that overpower me when I am cut-off to warn me to connect. Humility is a path toward relationship and when I humbly ask my Higher Power to remove my short-comings, I am actually seeking the intimate involvement of GOMU (God of my understanding) in my life.  A short-coming is removed. I am driven deeper only to discover a previously hidden flaw. I let it become an opportunity to embrace my God. I look around and see others walking, pushing, forging on the highway of destiny seeking union with the Infinite One. We are no longer isolated.

From Courage to Change of January 18;

When I first heard that the best way to help an alcoholic was to focus on myself, I thought Al-Anon was a heartless place where I would be forced to stop caring about my loved ones. I had decided never to return, but someone shared a thought that changed my mind. He said that although the desire to help another person can be well-motivated and compassionate, our old ways of “helping” don’t necessarily help. Al-Anon offers a new way to help.

I examined my version of helping the alcoholic. I saw that when I covered her bad checks or made excuses for her, I kept her from facing the consequences of her actions. I actually was depriving her of opportunities to want to change.

I also had to consider why I felt so desperate unless I was helping. When I took a look at my motives, I found that it was my anxiety I didn’t want to face.

Today’s Reminder

Is the help I offer truly loving or do I have other motives? Am I trying to change another person or get them to do what I want? Talking it over with my Sponsor can offer perspective. My best hope for helping those I love really does begin when I focus on myself.

“In Al-Anon we learn:

-Not to create a crisis;

-Not to prevent a crisis if it is in the natural course of events.”

Detachment

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I do not understand my own motives at times. I am often blind to what pushes and paralyzes me. It has been natural to live a life exhaling panic and inhaling apathy.

I know that I can take this concept of detachment and use it to withdraw into a puddle of morbid self-reflection. I know that I can take it as license to protect myself from pain only to find myself fearing all intimacy. Detachment cannot become isolation.

So what am I detaching from?

The active alcoholic/addict is a true personification of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. Ingest the chemical and Mr. Hyde is on center stage and the Doctor is a paralyzed captive.

I will not support the living death of an active, breathing Mr. Hyde, in myself or others. That is what detachment is to me. I do not want to inadvertently perpetuate the doctor’s captivity by paying Mr. Hyde’s ransom.

Detachment also requires attachment to an aggressive, positive selfishness on my part. I am not speaking of the isolating, suicidal selfishness. I have to want to live and prove it in my own acts of self-care. This takes time and practice and self-evaluation. I have to chose to carve out this time to grow or surrender to the waste of time involved in crisis management.

Art Credit: Manuel Bejarano of Spain

From Courage to Change of January 17;

Anyone who watched my interactions with the alcoholics in my life probably would have considered me the crazy one. I was the one who searched from bar to bar, made scenes in public places, and got hysterical over little things. I was also the one who agonized over the alcoholics’s behavior, lied, made apologies and excuses, and resented everything I was doing. Was this same?

Al-Anon was the first place where I ever thought to question my own sanity. I found that I couldn’t overcome the effects of this disease by force of will or reason. As they say, my best thinking got me here. But Al-Anon’s Second Step suggested that a Higher Power could restore me to sanity.

I knew that I felt more rational in an Al-Anon meeting than I did at any other time, and so I turned for help to the Power that seemed to flow through those meetings. From time to time I still have my irrational moments, but I no longer blame my erratic behavior on anyone else. I now know exactly where to turn when I am ready to find sanity once more.

Today’s Reminder

Today I will focus on my own behavior, If it could stand some improvement, I will ask a Power greater than myself for help.

“If we do not change our direction, we are likely to end up where we are headed.” ~ Ancient Chinese proverb

 

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Fear makes me crazy. I have played the part of hero in a story with no narration or plot. Can I stop the self-destruction of those I love? Not without their consent. Isn’t it possible to raise my crazy to a frequency that will override theirs? Doing nothing in the face of perpetual tragedies and humiliations is unacceptable.

Yes, indeed it is. I must work hard. On me.

It seems to me that when I connect with my Higher Power and gain some sanity in my own life, it gives those close to me permission to do the same. I cannot save them, but I can improve their chances by trusting the process of personal transformation through truthful self-evaluation and connecting to a community invested in my sanity, not my crazy.

From Courage to Change of January 16;

There was a time when, if a thought entered my mind, it automatically came out of my mouth. Even if I wasn’t sure that what I was saying was true, the words poured out of me. In Al-Anon I have learned to “Think” before I speak.

When I’m tempted to respond to angry accusations with accusations of my own, I stop and “Think.” When I have an urge to betray a confidence, to gossip, or to tell something extremely personal to a total stranger, I stop and “Think.” And when my opinion about another person’s business has not been requested, I take the time to “Think” before I get involved. That way I make a conscious choice about how I will respond.

Perhaps I will decide to say nothing, or choose a more tactful way to proceed, or question whether I really mean what I have been thinking. I may decide that this is not an appropriate place to discuss what is on my mond. Or I amy choose to go right ahead and speak up in a very direct manner. Regardless of which option I select, today I am willing to accept the consequences of my actions because I have taken the time to make a choice.

Today’s Reminder

Today I will let my words serve my best interests. I will choose them with care.

“I don’t let my mouth say nothin’ my head can’t stand.” ~ Louis Armstrong

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This is one of the early AA slogans along with “Easy Does It” and “One Day at a Time.” I have heard many interpretations of its meaning and speculations of its history. Because the quote capitalizes and puts in quotes the word “Think,” I imagine the author of those words is making reference to this slogan.

I have been told that the reason the iteration of think in the center of the quote is larger than the other two and has a large red T is because this represents a supernatural form of thinking guided by union with one’s Higher Power. It was common to red letter words spoken by God in the Bible, and this follows that idea.

I then go back to the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous to find a description of the type of thinking this slogan is talking about:

FIRST THINK: (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 86)

“On awakening let us think about the twenty-four hours ahead. We consider our plans for the day. Before we begin, we ask God to direct our thinking, especially asking that it be divorced from self-pity, dishonest or self-seeking motives. Under these conditions we can employ our mental faculties with assurance, for after all God gave us brains to use. Our thought-life will be placed on a much higher plane when our thinking is cleared of wrong motives.”

SECOND SUPERNATURAL THINK: (Alcoholics Anonymous, pages 86 – 87)

“In thinking about our day we may face indecision. We may not be able to determine which course to take. Here we ask God for inspiration, an intuitive thought or a decision. We relax and take it easy. We don’t struggle. We are often surprised how the right answers come after we have tried this for a while. What used to be the hunch or the occasional inspiration gradually becomes a working part of the mind. Being still inexperienced and having just made conscious contact with God, it is not probable that we are going to be inspired at all times. We might pay for this presumption in all sorts of absurd actions and ideas. Nevertheless, we find that our thinking will, as time passes, be more and more on the plane of inspiration. We come to rely upon it.”

THIRD THINK: (Alcoholics Anonymous, pages 87 – 88)

“As we go through the day we pause, when agitated or doubtful, and ask for the right thought or action. We constantly remind ourselves we are no longer running the show, humbly saying to ourselves many times each day “Thy will be done.” We are then in much less danger of excitement, fear, anger, worry, self-pity, or foolish decisions. We become much more efficient. We do not tire so easily, for we are not burning up energy foolishly as we did when we were trying to arrange life to suit ourselves.”

I suppose this is my very favorite part of the Big Book because it provides a discipline for thought transformation through the development of a two way communication with my Higher Power. It really doesn’t matter what I call that infinite entity that pervades the Universe and yet seems to care about me and the unfolding of my life. The labels I put on GOMU (God of My Understanding) tell more about me than about that strange Lover of my life. The will of GOMU is to transform in thought and action through conscience contact. May we all find our way to “Think … Think … Think.”