Daily Reprieve

From Courage to Change of January 12;

Early one morning I stopped to watch a colony of bees. A little intimidated by the frenzied motion and intense buzzing, I reminded myself that if I didn’t poke my nose into their hive, I wouldn’t get stung. If I hose to maintain a safe distance from a dangerous situation, I would be fine.

To me, that is exactly the lesson that detachment teaches. The choice is mine. When I sense that a situation is dangerous to my physical, mental, or spiritual well-being, I can put extra distance between myself and the situation. Sometime this means that I don’t get too emotionally involved in a problem; sometimes I am physically leave the room or end a conversation. And sometimes I try to put spiritual space between myself and another person’s alcoholism or behavior. This doesn’t mean I stop loving the person, only that I acknowledge the risks to my own well-being and make choices to take care of myself.

Today’s Reminder

Now I know how to end an argument by simply refusing to participate, to turn to my Higher Power for help with whatever I’m powerless to change, to say, “No,” when I mean no, and to step back from insanity rather than diving into it. Detachment is a loving gift I continue to give to myself and to others.

“If a man carries his own lantern, he need not fear darkness.” ~ Hasidic saying

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Divorce. Exile. Isolation. Renunciation. Escape. Disassociation. . .

Detachment.

It is difficult to escape the damming connotations of the word detachment when the strategy of withdrawing from a volatile situation is not necessarily associated with well-being and gifts and spiritual lanterns. At times, it even seems cowardly.

Add to the mix that I am creating safe distance from someone I deeply love and the strategy becomes unbearable.

When dealing with a loved one’s choices that appear to be self-destructive and personally painful, I tend to fall into the choice of being a tyrant with intervention or fall prey to a victim’s world view. I believe detachment is an attempt to provide a third option.

This third option of detachment is not something easily navigated and should not be undertaken in isolation. I have to stay connected with a network of people who are invested in my higher self. In fact, I believe detachment in one relationship area should be balanced with attachment to others.

It is a work in progress for me not to stir the beehive nor grow apathetic to the taste of honey.

Artwork: Angry Blue

From Courage to Change of January 11;

I feel like the luckiest person in the world because I’ve found a second family, and I am a very real part of it. In my new family, I am accepted just as I am. I never have to pretend, or wear a mask over my feelings. I can speak freely and know that my words won’t leave the room.

In my new family, people empathize when I share my troubles. But instead of trying to solve my problems for me, they allow me the dignity to do so on my own. They do offer their experience, strength, and hope, and in this sharing  often hear just what I need to help me with a troublesome situation.

In my new family, love is not a point system. I don’t have to earn love from others – it’s given freely as a gift. I don’t have to earn my place in the sun, I can just relax and be myself.

Today’s Reminder

When a loved one’s alcoholism brought me to Al-Anon, I found a new, second family, a family that helped me discover the me that had been hidden for so long, a family that will always be there for me. Today I will enjoy having a place where I really belong.

“For me, alcoholism has proven to be a bittersweet legacy – bitter, because of the pain I suffered, and sweet, because if t weren’t for that pain, I wouldn’t have searched for and found a better way of living.” ~ Al-Anon Faces Alcoholism

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“See, your hard won wisdom is going to be invaluable to me.” The voice that spoke these words to me has walked closely with me in the “hard-won” part of the journey. She is dealing with someone she suspects is caught in the web of addiction. I am glad that she is here to share in the “wisdom.”

I am not sure that I have gained a second family as much as I have a second shot at family. And since I have had to work on myself in order to overcome both addiction in myself and others, I can move further with genuine intimacy. The purpose of the group helps me to become a better version of me, and thus that is reflected with the way I relate to others. As I become more truthful with myself, I can become so with others. And when I no longer see that truthfulness as a threat, I can accept it from others. I can care about others without losing myself in the process. And they can care about me without being taken hostage. It is an ongoing process to cultivate this bittersweet legacy of overcoming alcoholism and co-dependency.

From Courage to Change of January 10;

I suspect that if I reclaimed all the minutes, hours, and days I’ve sacrificed to worry and fear, I’d add years to my life. When I succumb to worry, I open a Pandora’s box of terrifying pictures, paranoid voices, and relentless self-criticism. The more attention I pay to this mental static, the more I lose my foothold in reality. Then nothing useful can be accomplished.

To break the cycle of worry and fear, I’m learning to focus all my attention on this very moment. I can turn away from destructive thoughts and concentrate instead on the sights and sounds around me: light and shadows, the earth beneath my feet, the pulse of everyday living – all pieces of the here-and-now. These bits of reality help rescue me from “what ifs” and “should haves” by anchoring me in the present. Prayer and meditation, the slogans, and phone calls to Al-Anon friends are other sources of serenity that bring me back to this moment. As I shut out the noise, I am more receptive to my Higher Power’s will, and therefore much more able to work my way through difficult times.

Today’s Reminder

This day is all I have to work with, and it is all I need. If I am tempted to worry about tomorrow’s concerns, I will gently bring my mind back to today.

“The past has flown away. The coming month and year do not exist. Ours only is the present’s tiny point.” ~ Mahmud Shabistari

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It resonates with me, this realization that I have spent so much time in negative rumination.  I have felt the painful flames of shadow dragons. These visions of darkness and abandonment become real as I entertain their possibility. I know that my hope is to protect myself, to surround and fend off the . . . fill in the blank.

I have been listening to the audio set for Natalie Goldberg’s “Writing Down the Bones.” It is spiritually soothing for me to know about her writing practice that combines lessons learned in Zen meditation. Many of her suggestions to help writers to go ahead and write can be applied to the self going ahead and living in this moment.

I am learning to trust the way that is laid before me, to take responsibility for the tasks and let my Higher Power convert that raw material to fulfillment.  I will gently bring my mind back to today. Yes, I believe I will.

From Courage to Change of January 09;

How often I look outside myself for approval! The project at work is successful, but my good feelings depend on having that success acknowledged. The meal I fix at home is not as tasty when no one compliments the cook. I resent the favors I do for my children when they neglect to thank me.

We all need an occasional pat on the back. But when the applause of others becomes the reason for my behavior and necessary for me to feel satisfied, then I have given them power over me. People may forget to notice the terrific things that I’ve done or may not be comfortable praising me. I don’t have to take ti personally. Self-pity and resentment are not my only options. If I can learn to evaluate my own actions and behavior and to value my own judgement, then the approval of others will be enjoyable, but no longer essential to my serenity.

Today’s Reminder

Just for today, I will appreciate myself. I will not look to others for approval; I will provide it for myself. I’ll allow myself to recognize that I am doing the best I can. Today my best is good enough.

“Your vision will become clear only when you can look into your own heart.” ~ Carl Jung

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A great deal of my anxiety comes from trying to manage the perspectives others have of me. At the height of my co-dependent anguish, I withdraw into whatever protective image I can muster to become what I believe will make others emotionally domesticated in my presence. I have heard the phrase, “what others think of me is none of my business.” I have never been able to get in line with such dismissal of a potential threat. This childhood indoctrination caused me to lose any real concept of my own identity. I struggle to find an “acceptable self-expression.” I was terribly sensitive to any criticism. I would meet any sign of uncontrollable emotion with wrath or withdrawal. There was no middle ground.

Separating my true core from this icon of impossible diplomacy has taken a surgeon greater than myself. The Steps have been, in a sense, a dating session with me. I have to find safe places to lure myself into the open so that I and Me can know each other. Sometimes the desire for self-sabotage swells within. Yet I resist.  This is a very difficult process. I am hoping to establish centers of trust in Al-Anon, stronger than those I have sought but never gained in the recovery rooms. Right now, I am just working on stopping myself from running away. Just for today, I will work on a consistent presence among my fellow survivors.

From Courage to Change of January 08;

I once emphatically told my family that their bickering was making our newly-sober loved one nervous and this might cause her to start drinking again. I was shocked when I was told, just as emphatically, “Well, let her!” I realized that I was still trying to make everything smooth and easy for the alcoholic, because I hadn’t accepted that I was just as powerless over alcoholism in sobriety as I had been during the active years.

It was then that I truly discovered ho beautifully letting go and letting God can work. When I flly understood how powerless I was over the situation, I was able to trust that the alcoholic has her own Higher Power and that, together, they can work out her future. I felt like a new person because I was free of the constant need to watch over her, free to live my own life.

I care about the alcoholic in my life more than I can say. I wish her health, happiness, and sobriety, but I cannot hand these things to her. She and her Higher Power are in charge of that. I can only love her, and when I stop to think about it, that is enough.

Today’s Reminder

Today I choose to place my trust in that Higher Power, knowing that all is well.

“If we supply the willingness, God supplies the power.” ~ The Al-Anon Family Groups–Classic Edition

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The first four decades of my life were spent trying to control people in my intimate sphere so that I could have a feeling of control over my own life. I thought my powers of manipulation had made me a master diplomat. I was never happy with this role. I never really achieved a feeling of freedom or control over my own life. My dubious skills have robbed me of being able to take anyone’s words at face value. I carry a pit of anxiety trying to read faces and forestall the release of rabid emotional interactions. This is the civil war ever raging in my psyche. I awake and renegotiate a cease fire, with some mornings being easier than others.

This is my next level of this ongoing process of recovery. I must expel the vision of seeing relationships around me as potential volcanoes that I must plug. I will need to take turn the power of Step work on my codependency with the same determination I have for my alcoholism. I need to know what my heart truly desires, not just the reactive impulses of escapism. I need to apply my trust in a Higher Power for beyond the remission of my addictive disease. I need to be able to separate legitimate guilt from deeply indoctrinated shame.  It is a process made possible in the recovery from my alcoholism.

From Courage to Change of January 07;

“Just for today I will have a quiet half hour all by myself and relax.” How simple that sounded until I tried to do it. I found it difficult to spend even a little time alone –  thirty quiet minutes out of my busy schedule were far too many! So I started with five minutes. In time I was able to find ten, and then twenty, and then thirty minutes for myself.

Amazingly, these quiet half hours are restoring me to sanity. It is through these times with myself, much of which is spent in prayer and meditation, that I find the peace and power of God.

As a result, I have learned to tolerate and even enjoy my own company, now, no matter what is going on, I need this half hour every day to get a perspective on my life. By sitting quietly in the midst of turmoil, I find that I an not alone. If I take the time, my Higher Power sends the message.

Today’s Reminder

I care enough about myself to take a quiet half hour to relax. But if a half hour is more that I can manage, I can let that be all right. Whatever time I give to myself will be a step forward. If I can stop the wheels from turning for even a few moments, my Higher Power can take charge and steer me in the right direction.

“Take rest; a field that has rested gives a beautiful crop.” ~ Ovid

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I have experienced many ways of approaching quiet time for myself. I think this is an individual path and very much part of one’s spiritual development. No one size fits all. If quiet time becomes a place of depression inducing rumination, that is, when it becomes a time that I dwell on repetitive negative thoughts, then I must find some way to brake that rumination with engaging activity. I can think of eight different paths I have taken to still my mind while staying away from rumination. I have quilted pieces of all these disciplines into something that generally works for me.

1. Meditation on Christian scripture, with memorization and paraphrase writing
2. Praying in the Spirit with writing of any inspiration, while I remain disengaged in thought
3. Practical Sufism – difficult for me, but I hope to get better on some of its disciplines
4. Visualized spirit travel to My secret place through study of Witchcraft
5. Trying to mimic the trans state achieved by Edgar Cayce through self hypnosis
6. Yoga and it subsequent resting point
7. Writing practice learned in Natalie Goldberg’s “Writing Down the Bones”
8. Taking a nap in the afterglow of sexual release.

My quiet time has improved, and my time spent doing it is a necessity for a clear head and the ability to retain serenity. I encourage you, fellow human, to explore and find what works to restore you.

From Courage to Change of January 06;

Between meetings, I need to keep in close touch with other Al-Anon members by telephone. Like may who have been affected by alcoholism, when I came into the program I was tremendously overburdened. Lots of patient listening at the other end of the line continues to help me get these burdens off my chest.

Sharing Al-Anon recovery by telephone allows me to reach out to someone else for support. The person I am talking to is not my counselor, confessor, or problem-solver. Nor is he or she obliged to sit and listen to all my sob stories.

Instead, this person may help me reason things out. Sometimes I’ll be reminded of an Al-Anon idea or tool that will enable me to gain some perspective on my situation. I am not given advice about what I should or should not do — that is for me to decide. By the time the conversation is over, I’ve usually found some relief from the problem that had seemed so enormous while it stayed trapped inside my head.

Today’s Reminder

It is my responsibility to solve my own problems with the help of the God of my understanding. Since God often speaks through other people, when I reach out and make an Al-Anon call, I become willing to receive that help.

“We cannot climb up a rope that is attached only to our own belt.” ~ William Ernest Hocking

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I think it is important to update this idea of communicating via telephone to include chatting via computer. This will be helpful, I think, to those in the program who are introverted. I personally despise talking on the phone, and only use it for conducting business. It is my least genuine form of communication. If I get a chance to think about what I am going to say, I can search for that elusive and hard won honesty and for me, this is better achieved via the written banter of computer chat. If I am in an urgent situation and I need to find some source of immediate help, using the phone is a good path to take. Some people are able to conduct real exchange via the telephone, but not me. It has been rare for me to find it personally beneficial. Face to face conversations are better because the full spectrum of communication is in place. Body language, facial expression, and contextual clues all add to the discourse. Yet I understand the benefit of having the greater frequency of contact and accountability found in technologically enhanced communication. I must build a web of interaction to remain connected.

From Courage to Change of January 05;

I was terribly confused about the meaning of “compassion ” when I came to Al-Anon. I thought it meant making excuses for the alcoholic or covering bad checks. Al-Anon helped me to find another word for this behavior: “enabling.” I learned that when I cleaned up the consequences of alcoholic behavior, I enabled the alcoholic to continue drinking comfortably and acting out without having to pay the price. A more compassionate way to respond to those I love might be to allow them to face the consequences of their actions, even when it will cause them pain.

How do I know whether a particular action is enabling? While this is not always clear, I find it helpful to look carefully at my motives. Am I trying to interfere with the natural consequences of a loved one’s choices? Am I trying to do for someone what they could do for themselves? Am I doing what I think is best for me? Do I resent what I am doing? If so, is it really a loving choice? Sometimes the most compassionate thing I can do is to let others take responsibility for their behavior.

Today’s Reminder

Today I will remember that I have choices, and so does the alcoholic. I will make the best choices I can and allow others in my life to do the same without interference.

“I must learn to give those I love the right to make their own mistakes and recognize them a theirs alone.”

Al-Anon Faces Alcoholism

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It is difficult to separate the enabling from genuine compassion, particularly when the two have been a hybrid creature indoctrinated into my psyche from childhood. I learned to dance around trip wires, to attempt face-reading to understand what was really being communicated, to distrust outsiders, to play diplomat and keep the peace. We were different and isolated because we were superior as a family, and I was to champion that reality. This infected my spirituality as well, since I expected God to be in need of appeasement and that love and attention would be withdrawn if I inadvertently offended Him. I lived hidden inside an icon of acceptability, knowing that if anyone discovered the creature inside, I would be a source of disgust and disappointment.

The aggressive form of self-care necessary to recovery from alcoholism is also good in helping me sever the twin headed beast, that enabling-compassion hybrid. It also takes time as well as fearless and truthful self appraisal. I have to accept the fact that my guilt-o-meter has been damaged and I am going to need outside connections to help me correct my perspective. If this does not lead me to healthy connections, that is, others in my life who desire my most potent self-expression, then I must re-evaluate. If this causes me to gravitate toward isolating selfishness in its many forms of self-destruction, I must re-evaluate.

I do not want to get buried in the icon of appeasement for a severed ego, mine or anyone else’s.

From Courage to Change of January 04;

When I first found Al-Anon I was desperate and lonely. I yearned for the serenity that others in the meetings so obviously possessed. When members shared about the tools that had worked for them, I paid close attention.

Here is what I heard: Go to meetings and share when you can; work all the Steps, but not all at once — start with Step One; get a Sponsor; read some Al-Anon literature every day; use the pone to reach out between meetings. Gradually I took each of these suggestions and began to see real changes in my life. I began to believe my life could amount to more than a string of painful days to be survived. Now I had resources that helped me to deal with even the most difficult situations. I came to see that , with the help of my Higher Power, I could handle anything that cam to pass and even grow as I did so. In time, the tools and principles of the program helped me gain the serenity I had long desired.

Today’s Reminder

Al-Anon gives me tools I can use to achieve many goals, including serenity, sanity, and detachment with love. And Al-Anon members who share their experience, strength, and hope show me how to put these tools to work in my life.

“Daily vigilance will turn out to be a small price to pay for my peace of mind.” ~ The Dilemma of the Alcoholic Marriage

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The tools of Al-Anon and Alcoholics Anonymous are the same. The Steps represent a practical guide for establishing spiritual healing and growth. The one difference I have found is this idea of “detachment with love.” This is not code for abandoning the ones we love when addiction moves in and takes them hostage. The world of the active alcoholic or addict is an inverted life, in which rewards become damning and consequences become a saving grace. This requires those bound to the alcoholic or addict to resist covering or enabling and allow the consequences to come. Detachment for me means to change the focus from the spiritual welfare of the loved addict or alcoholic to my own. It requires that I develop a certain kind of selfishness or aggressive self-care that will insure my own survival and life improvement regardless of what my qualifying addict or alcoholic chooses to do. This means that my heart may break as they reap consequences, but I will live through it. And if they decide to seek the sanity of truthful self evaluation, they will have my life as an example of thriving in the midst of chaos storms.

I am free to love, but I will not let my love be twisted into a call for martyrdom. Even the story of the Messiah is not a story of slaughter embraced but death overcome. I prefer the image of an empty tomb to the exaltation of a device of torture and tyrannical control.