Endigar 734

From Courage to Change of January 08;

I once emphatically told my family that their bickering was making our newly-sober loved one nervous and this might cause her to start drinking again. I was shocked when I was told, just as emphatically, “Well, let her!” I realized that I was still trying to make everything smooth and easy for the alcoholic, because I hadn’t accepted that I was just as powerless over alcoholism in sobriety as I had been during the active years.

It was then that I truly discovered ho beautifully letting go and letting God can work. When I flly understood how powerless I was over the situation, I was able to trust that the alcoholic has her own Higher Power and that, together, they can work out her future. I felt like a new person because I was free of the constant need to watch over her, free to live my own life.

I care about the alcoholic in my life more than I can say. I wish her health, happiness, and sobriety, but I cannot hand these things to her. She and her Higher Power are in charge of that. I can only love her, and when I stop to think about it, that is enough.

Today’s Reminder

Today I choose to place my trust in that Higher Power, knowing that all is well.

“If we supply the willingness, God supplies the power.” ~ The Al-Anon Family Groups–Classic Edition

 

END OF QUOTE

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The first four decades of my life were spent trying to control people in my intimate sphere so that I could have a feeling of control over my own life. I thought my powers of manipulation had made me a master diplomat. I was never happy with this role. I never really achieved a feeling of freedom or control over my own life. My dubious skills have robbed me of being able to take anyone’s words at face value. I carry a pit of anxiety trying to read faces and forestall the release of rabid emotional interactions. This is the civil war ever raging in my psyche. I awake and renegotiate a cease fire, with some mornings being easier than others.

This is my next level of this ongoing process of recovery. I must expel the vision of seeing relationships around me as potential volcanoes that I must plug. I will need to take turn the power of Step work on my codependency with the same determination I have for my alcoholism. I need to know what my heart truly desires, not just the reactive impulses of escapism. I need to apply my trust in a Higher Power for beyond the remission of my addictive disease. I need to be able to separate legitimate guilt from deeply indoctrinated shame.  It is a process made possible in the recovery from my alcoholism.

 

 

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